Family Involvement

  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2387

    Apr 25, 2010 9:51 AM GMT
    So I am at a time in my life where I am starting to transition from college to the real world. I want to get a good part-time or full time job that I can have for more than just on season or period of a semester. I want to find my own apartment and get a car as well.

    I am not particularly close with my family like a lot of people seem to be. My parents live across the country and have been really good about it. They let me do things on my own and they give advice and listen to me. They don't tell me things and expect me to listen to every word, they know I can make my own decisions. I even go to them for more advice than I have ever before.

    The problem is with my aunt here. I really liked her before moving here and since I have been here, her and I have had some incident that caused us to not speak to each other for a while. Basically, I feel like my parents and her have switched roles. My mom has this idea about something for me and my dad has a different idea and so does my aunt.

    I used to really take into consideration all their ideas but now I realize that I have to start living for me, not them. Ultimately, it is my decision of what I do with my life right? I jsut hate it how my aunt with say something to me likes it advice that I have to take?!?! And if I don't then she gets mad cuz her way is supposedly the best. I understand that she cares about me and just wants to help but I feel like what she wants is what SHE WANTS, not what I WANT.

    So how should I handle this, since they are my family and I can't just abandoned them? Have you guys had this problem??

    (this has NOTHING to do with being gay at all so don't turn it into that please)
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    Apr 25, 2010 11:33 AM GMT
    They should (ideally) be able to understand that of all times this is the most opportune for you to go your own direction.
  • allatonce

    Posts: 904

    Apr 25, 2010 1:07 PM GMT
    You should speak to them about it. Say you are growing older and you really appreciate their advice and that they care about you and are doing what they can to help but you need to be allowed to live your life. You need to be allowed to make your own decisions and possibly make mistakes just like they have.

    You are your own person and need to live your life, not the one they imagine for you. Tell them that you love them but if they keep pushing you to do things their way and influence your life, the end result will not be helping you but affecting your relationship with them and you don't want that to happen.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16415

    Apr 25, 2010 1:16 PM GMT
    I'd start out by saying, "I appreciate your advice and your caring enough to give it to me". I'd probably make a remark about your being an independent man that
    considers all well meaning suggestions and in the end will make the decision(s) that are most appropriate for you.

    I know what you mean. When I was a little younger I got tired of "suggestions" by
    parents being the key point. Let me say, many times I have sought out my parents advice... my Dad has always been helpful.. but when I'm asking, not when he's "telling" me how it is.
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    Apr 25, 2010 1:58 PM GMT
    Jmuscle33 said
    So how should I handle this, since they are my family and I can't just abandoned them?
    Yes you can. Ok not really "abandon," but at least do your own thing. Your aunt will eventually get over it and realize your life is ultimately your decision.
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    Apr 25, 2010 2:33 PM GMT
    lol, how about just nod and smile and say things like "I see your point and it's worth my consideration.' then go ahead and do whatever you want to do. icon_wink.gif

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    Apr 25, 2010 2:39 PM GMT
    If it is important to you for her to know this, then ask her to sit down with you, prepare what you want to say and simply discuss it with her.Tell her you appreicate the advice, but offer your way of thinking, and discuss your plans for the future with her.

    If you can't come to agreement, don't get angry, just let her know you still appreciate her and will respect her, but you must follow your own path.

    The biggest problem to any relationship, be it family or otherwise, is communication. The more fluidly you can discuss your concerns the better you are at resolving conflict.
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    Apr 25, 2010 3:08 PM GMT
    You could remind her that she's a mere woman and subsequently her opinion is of no consequence.
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    Apr 25, 2010 3:27 PM GMT
    I think you are doing the right thing by making decisions for yourself. Your sense of independance is an important part of what makes you grow and experience life, it has obviously lead you to finish college education, etc. so I would say that it seems as though you have a good, capable head on your shoulders.

    You know it always perplexes me that parents, aunts, etc. want to take control of people's lives beyond the age of 18. They should be happy that some who is 20 wants to make their own choices and are not dependent upon them.

    On the other hand, their opinions can be a warning that you might be getting yourself into something that you have little experience and could bring you harm. So, heed the warnings, listen to the protests, probe into why someone does not want you to do something, but ultimately you MUST live your own life. While you listen to them, if you see errors in their roadmap for how you want to live, then please please ignore their advice, and feel no guilt, remorse, or otherwise. I can applaud you for making your own decisions, but sometimes just listening to others can save you from some hard times. I still listen to people, and I welcome that, and then I say, "please don't be offended, but I am going to do it this way instead, but I appreciate you looking out for me."

    I have a friend that is in his late 30's and his mother still does the same as your aunt, and I tell him: "So when are you going to put a stop to this? Or are you going to live your life as a child forever?" The more you "allow" this, the more you will have to put up with it. Personally, my own mother takes my advice these days, and she is not offended at all if I tell her "No, I am not doing that, but I appreciate you looking out for me"

    If that does not work, then teach her that she's not the only one that can dole out advice! Start telling HER what you want her to do with her life. Make it unreasonable enough to give her a taste of her own medicine, and get angry back when she does not listen. I have always found that people become more reasonable when they have to eat their own cooking, so to speak.
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    Apr 25, 2010 3:49 PM GMT
    PAJohn saidMaybe your family would treat you like an adult if you could express yourself more clearly and write like the 20 year old college student you are rather than a 12 year old child.
    iv ceen 20yo colage studants rite wurs then him
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2387

    Apr 25, 2010 11:02 PM GMT
    Thanks guys

    Out of the times that I have tried to talk to my aunt about things that she does that makes me upset or bothered, she just says like, "ahh, how ridiculous." Like I am the person in the wrong. She thinks the way I feel is dumb because, well I don't know why. I really love my aunt and I hate to make her upset or mad, but maybe that's part of the problem.

    Meninlove, that's kind of what I have been doing is just smiling and saying yes, of course.
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    Apr 25, 2010 11:15 PM GMT
    I assume your living in her home? you paying rent? paying bills? if you are... shuddup, she's your Family, she's older, she thinks she knows best.. if you aren't, shuddup, she's your family, she's older, she thinks she knows best..

    Seriously, older people always think they know best and they want to tell you, not because they want to control you, but because they don't want you to make the same mistakes they've made, the thing is most older people don't stop to think that you'll end up making your own mistakes anyway and that they need to be there to help you understand and overcome your mistakes.

    More importantly, they want you to listen to them, even if they them self didn't listen to there elders that isn't a thought that crossed there mind and you listening to her probably isn't a thought that crossed yours.

    There is more to listening then just hearing her words, listening involves taking them in and actually thinking about it, prompt her with questions, use her as a sounding board, allow her to throw things back at you, while older people may not full remember what it was like at your age (and I highly suspect they view it through rose coloured glasses) they can be an incredible wealth of advice when you give them a real chance to do it, unless they are mean, bitter or cruel..

    So listen to your Aunt, let her speak, question what she says, go to her for advice.. She loves you, wants nothing but the best for you.. Hence the sudden role change once you came into her home and are under her care.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2387

    Apr 25, 2010 11:21 PM GMT
    No I am not living in her home. I did for the summers but I do not want to anymore. That's a whole different issue icon_razz.gif