Guys in their 20's = Too Dateable?

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    Apr 27, 2010 3:28 AM GMT
    Two nights ago, I went out on a date with this guy. It went pretty well, we seemed into each other, we came back to my place and fooled around some.

    Today, I asked him for a second date, and he said that he had fun but I "don't seem like I'm looking for a long-term relationship." The dude is 24! What the hell kind of 24 year old is obsessed with settling down?

    This isn't the first time. I stopped dating for a while because I ran into a string of guys who, on the first date, either asked me "So, where is this going? I mean, how long is your lease?" or outright professed love and asked if I loved them in return. All of them in their early 20's. (And batshit crazy.)

    I'm not opposed to long-term relationships. Een though I'm 22 and by common agreement should be fucking my brains out and acting like a retard, I would actually like to be in one. But I'm not actively hunting. I think they should just develop. Go on a few dates, see how things go, then proceed from there. I can't imagine asking a guy, before I barely know him, what color he wants for the nursery walls.
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    Apr 27, 2010 12:50 PM GMT
    Maybe you are just such a great catch that they don't want to lose you ? I actually say that kindly, not sarcastically. Or, maybe the 20something trend is to settle now for fear of getting old and becoming unwanted/ unappealing. Regardless, keep moving forward. YOUR intentions are to meet, get to know, form a relationship over time. That is a good thing. Along the way, you will hopefully find a good catch.
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    Apr 27, 2010 12:54 PM GMT
    This is why I go for guys 35 or older.
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    Apr 27, 2010 1:10 PM GMT
    SAHEM62896 saidThis is why I go for guys 35 or older.


    Lots of guys 35 and older behave very much the same way, so there's really no science to this, unfortunately.

    It's actually refreshing, Stoney, to see your post.. not because I relish in your relationship frustrations, but it's nice to hear even anecdotally that there are guys in their early 20's who are able to think critically about what they want and aren't afraid to admit it. Ultimately, I think you have to do what you're already doing - just keep getting out there and meeting people and see what happens.

    I disagree fundamentally with the whole "your 20's are for being a whore, just go be one" mentality that lots of people have. My parents got married at 22 and 23 and just celebrated their 41st wedding anniversary. The duration of your or anyone else's relationship will have nothing to do with how old you are when you enter it, but how committed you are to it - just like anything else in life.
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    Apr 27, 2010 1:14 PM GMT
    That's the primary reason I prefer hookup bars over mainstream clubs. There's nothing more frustrating than finishing up a hot lay, then being told "I love you & want a LTR with you" while you're getting dressed to leave.

    When that happens, I automatically think that they're simply borderline homeless and looking for a place to stay.

    I'll stick with my FWBs thank you very much. They have their own places. icon_biggrin.gif
  • shirty

    Posts: 290

    Apr 27, 2010 2:37 PM GMT
    Seems to me like you're actually afraid of settling down, which is perfectly understandable. You may be attracting exactly the thing you fear the most. There are so many messages out there telling you that you're ridiculous if you're monogamous in your twenties, and that relationships never work out at your age. The truth is there is a lot to learn from relationships, even if they only last a few years.

    Just because you don't want a long-term relationship (and you clearly don't even if you say you wouldn't mind one) doesn't mean that others your age won't feel differently.

    I used to be scared shitless of commitment and attracted a lot of obsessive types. One day something clicked and I realized there was so much freedom in a solid relationship that it was actually more liberating than being single and randomly hooking up with people.

    Personally, if the guy wants to fool around with me the first date that's not someone I want to spend my time with. I'd rather get to know them a little first.

    All of this is, of course, just my opinion.

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    Apr 27, 2010 2:40 PM GMT
    You are free to pursue the relationships you want. They are free to pursue the relationships they want.

    You got a date and a lay. You got exactly what you want. What is the problem?
  • CuriousJockAZ

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    Apr 27, 2010 2:40 PM GMT
    I don't think it's any more fair to make generalizations about dating younger guys in their 20's than it is dating older guys. It's all about the chemistry between two people and the level of communication between them regardless of the age.
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    Apr 27, 2010 2:43 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidThat's the primary reason I prefer hookup bars over mainstream clubs. There's nothing more frustrating than finishing up a hot lay, then being told "I love you & want a LTR with you" while you're getting dressed to leave.

    When that happens, I automatically think that they're simply borderline homeless and looking for a place to stay.

    I'll stick with my FWBs thank you very much. They have their own places. icon_biggrin.gif


    I find it highly doubtful that anyone not under the influence of a drug or other substance (or with mental illness) would say "I love you & want a LTR with you" after a hookup. If they do, shame on you for your anonym-ass selection!
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    Apr 27, 2010 2:50 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidI don't think it's any more fair to make generalizations about dating younger guys in their 20's than it is dating older guys. It's all about the chemistry between two people and the level of communication between them regardless of the age.


    sounds like you want to date a younger guy. icon_razz.gif
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19133

    Apr 27, 2010 2:57 PM GMT
    Voice22 said
    CuriousJockAZ saidI don't think it's any more fair to make generalizations about dating younger guys in their 20's than it is dating older guys. It's all about the chemistry between two people and the level of communication between them regardless of the age.


    sounds like you want to date a younger guy. icon_razz.gif



    I've always dated younger guys. Not necessarily a choice, it's just the way it has worked out. Most of the guys I have met my age (not all, but most) don't seem to have the energy level I still have, so I have always felt a bit more in sync with younger guys.
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    Apr 27, 2010 3:00 PM GMT
    I particularly like the guys on dating sites in their 20's saying "Not after a relationship, but not saying no to a relationship".

    More and more, guys are wanting perfection, to find a guy that passes in every department. I've been guilty of it myself.

    Although I tend to shy away from guys who are too clingy too quickly, I do like to know that someone I go out with is relationship oriented, so I know there is a possibility of a future if it works out.

    I do like how the guy was at least upfront though, however I think he should have given you a chance to respond before discounting you as not wanting to develop it further.

    I also think it works out better not jumping into the sack in the first couple of dates at least. Spend some time getting to know eachother, and see if there are feelings there.

    Many more younger people seem to be more upfront with establishing what they want/are after- however many are also having communication difficulties as they are used to doing these things online...

    All in all, you can't tell how a person is going to respond, but best policy is to upfront and honest, spend the time in getting to know eachother (offline)before jumping in the sack and hopefully you will have something mroe fulfilling. If you're just after a shag, then you're better off finding someone who is after the same.
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    Apr 27, 2010 3:02 PM GMT
    Voice22 said
    CuriousJockAZ saidI don't think it's any more fair to make generalizations about dating younger guys in their 20's than it is dating older guys. It's all about the chemistry between two people and the level of communication between them regardless of the age.


    sounds like you want to date a younger guy. icon_razz.gif


    you say that like it's a bad thing.
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    Apr 27, 2010 7:42 PM GMT
    rangard said
    Voice22 said
    CuriousJockAZ saidI don't think it's any more fair to make generalizations about dating younger guys in their 20's than it is dating older guys. It's all about the chemistry between two people and the level of communication between them regardless of the age.


    sounds like you want to date a younger guy. icon_razz.gif


    you say that like it's a bad thing.


    hahah of course not a bad thing. it was jsut funny.
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    Apr 27, 2010 7:45 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ said
    Voice22 said
    CuriousJockAZ saidI don't think it's any more fair to make generalizations about dating younger guys in their 20's than it is dating older guys. It's all about the chemistry between two people and the level of communication between them regardless of the age.


    sounds like you want to date a younger guy. icon_razz.gif



    I've always dated younger guys. Not necessarily a choice, it's just the way it has worked out. Most of the guys I have met my age (not all, but most) don't seem to have the energy level I still have, so I have always felt a bit more in sync with younger guys.


    hahah yeah i was jsut messing with ya i tottaly agree age is jsut a number younger guys "tend" to be less mature and "tend" to not be into long term relationships. older guys "tend" to be more mature and "tend" to be looking for more serrious relationships.
    but theres always an exception to every rule.
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    Apr 27, 2010 7:51 PM GMT
    Here's my take on it - from someone who settled down (unexpectedly) at 21 and remained in a relationship for nearly 10 years.

    Gay relationships are more mainstream. We have gay marriage (kinda), gay relationships play out on TV (brothers and sisters) and more established gay couples are folding into every day life. This is a generation of gays who grew up with less stigma than the one before. And frankly, take being out and living open for granted (as they should). If you talk to a woman in her 20's, marriage is a topic that comes up over and over again. Its the same with guys.

    I do have to say, I wish there were more gays out there that were willing to just date casually and let nature take its course. But that's also the place I am as 32 year old. Perhaps my outlook will change.
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    Apr 27, 2010 7:57 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidYou are free to pursue the relationships you want. They are free to pursue the relationships they want. You got a date and a lay. You got exactly what you want. What is the problem?

    He said the same thing too. The thing is, at no point did I ever say "All I want is sex." Apparently, if you don't want a long-term relationship, all you want is to get in people's pants.

    I think there's a middle ground. I think you can date someone without picturing the condo you're going to buy together. Maybe it'll go there, maybe it won't. But why is there nothing inbetween? Since when are you either a whore or committed? Can you date someone just to have a good time, to have companionship and fun? And yes, sex?

    I'm not even objecting to guys who want LTR's, I just think that the first date is not the time to say "Listen, my biological clock is ticking. We gonna hop a plane to Massachusetts or what?"
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    Apr 27, 2010 8:24 PM GMT
    stoneymcpuffnpass said
    MunchingZombie saidYou are free to pursue the relationships you want. They are free to pursue the relationships they want. You got a date and a lay. You got exactly what you want. What is the problem?

    He said the same thing too. The thing is, at no point did I ever say "All I want is sex." Apparently, if you don't want a long-term relationship, all you want is to get in people's pants.

    I think there's a middle ground. I think you can date someone without picturing the condo you're going to buy together. Maybe it'll go there, maybe it won't. But why is there nothing inbetween? Since when are you either a whore or committed? Can you date someone just to have a good time, to have companionship and fun? And yes, sex?

    I'm not even objecting to guys who want LTR's, I just think that the first date is not the time to say "Listen, my biological clock is ticking. We gonna hop a plane to Massachusetts or what?"


    i think the ONLY way this is possible, is to develop a friendship with the person first.

    i've tried to find this happy medium... but i've come to the conclusion the space between a "hook up" and a "relationship" is just a fantasy, unable to be attained.
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    Apr 27, 2010 8:44 PM GMT
    I find it interesting that guys in their 20's too datable and guys in their 20's not datable are both in the top discussion board thing.

    Anyway. This is one of those things that all the chick flicks focus on. Girls being psycho on the first date and wanting to introduce you to the parents on the third. It's weird. Sometimes i find people can't help but to put themselves in that mentality. I usually tell them i want to move a lot slower than they're thinking. If they accept we go on more dates, if they don't i start dating someone else. If someone wants to married that bad eventually they'll find someone who wants to be married just as bad.
  • JayDT

    Posts: 390

    Apr 27, 2010 11:01 PM GMT
    Batshit Crazy comes in all ages, shapes, colours, and credes. I wish that people understood the idea of organicly growing a relationship into something stable, but it doesn't seem that they are. Stay true to what you know you want (not a crazy pseudo intimate relationship that rushes too quickly towards the nursery room) and you will eventually find it. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.
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    Apr 28, 2010 1:12 AM GMT
    Bens77 saidHere's my take on it - from someone who settled down (unexpectedly) at 21 and remained in a relationship for nearly 10 years.

    Gay relationships are more mainstream. We have gay marriage (kinda), gay relationships play out on TV (brothers and sisters) and more established gay couples are folding into every day life. This is a generation of gays who grew up with less stigma than the one before. And frankly, take being out and living open for granted (as they should). If you talk to a woman in her 20's, marriage is a topic that comes up over and over again. Its the same with guys.

    I do have to say, I wish there were more gays out there that were willing to just date casually and let nature take its course. But that's also the place I am as 32 year old. Perhaps my outlook will change.



    What are you doing when my boyfriend leaves me? I mean, you wanna grab a bite?

    J/K. But seriously, I think, from my humble experience, that guys are guys. Gay or straight. They really Don't wanna settle down unless they were raised in a VERY pro-family family, and had exceptional relationships with their mothers. Again, just in my opinion, I think these guys strive to be the best homemaker they can be, working or not, they want to make a nest, and like to try and land the husband type that they feel they can trust to support their needs (mostly emotional) and entertain the likelihood of future offspring.

    The rest of the anti-monogomous out there that have any chance of settling usually come around once they get hurt by someone (i.e. someone that they thought they could treat disposably wises up and leaves), or they realize they are not always gunna be so pretty, and quickly approaching 40 (though I don't personally consider this OLD) they should probably try and land that one wayward 23 year old that thinks "guy's my age are sluts".

    It's called Forced Settling. The youngen thinks he's too good to mingle with dudes who are still searching, and the elder thinks he's gotta get it while the gettin's good. In this case, however convoluted, they're probably perfect for each other.

    Those are just case study examples though. As a whole, I don't think older guys are neccesarily any more serious than younger guys. These traits come from family upbringing, and personal self-worth/stability brought on by early experiences in love. I, personally, have found older guys more desperate than Ready to try and settle down with me. Maybe I'm just a catch too icon_wink.gif

    To Bens77, I'm sure it was a whirlwind of emotions, but I hope you came out wiser and more apt to know what you Really seek out of a butt buddy. Ten years sounds like a Lifetime of lessons in love, so you now get to be on top of your game. As in, you probably know where Not to waste your time, but I hope you're out there casually dating again. Cuz you're sexy and look like a killer lay.

    To the OP, dudes are dudes. The hardest thing about getting to know a dude is having him be honest about his intentions and feelings. Even for a gay guy. You'd think, "oh they're so open and opinionated, they'll say whats on their mind". But I think fear of fumbling and losing is inherant in men, and so they try and remain stoic so they can't be blamed for failures.

    If the guy really was cool, but saw your advances on the first date as a red flag, he's a hypocrite and needs to evaluate himself before placing his insecurities on You for going after what you want. I'd assume he's been hurt, has already been a slut himself and so he knows the ropes, or he keeps a lot of slutty company, and so he see's all guys as such.

    But, dating is just that. If he's worth another shot, tell him you think so, and you're willing to date monogamously. It feels good on both sides to be able to see someone, NOT fuck, leave, and know that they didn't go straight out to drain their blue balls. It's safer too, and could reduce STD transmittance. It's not a fuckin marriage proposal, it's saying "I trust myself enough, and you, to try and see if this should even go anywhere". If you see another dude in 2 days you just HAVE to have inside of you, either you're Way not ready, or you guys have to start talkin' 3-ways.

    I personally was a serial dater for most of my 20s, Never overlapping sex partners, but always had a pretty serious crush. I learned to overlook stereotypes and what I had originally thought was my "perfect catch". I (basically) gave ANY jackass who tried a chance, and if he wasn't worth a damn, I threw him back into the pond before he started talkin' marriage... (Although, Mitch from Hawaii, I lost your number, but I may still take you up on that offer).

    The 3 dudes I thought I loved that "cheated" on me did so because I didn't stake my claim. I was truthful about what I wanted in a relationship, but never pressing about how I expected them to feel or act. (Hint: this is the quickest way to get someone to show their true colors). They strayed, and so I got to move on, without any Real pain or ripple effect. I could say they were pieces of shit, but I'd rather say they weren't deserving of me. (And yes, All 3 have tried, be it a month or 5 years later, to get me back. I've got that Magic Stick, I guess.)

    HOLY SHIT, I'm still writing! Just tryin to avoid Algebra a bit longer. Nah, but seriously, Conduct yourself in every inter-personal relationship as if that person will one day be in charge of your funeral, and you will always be able to hold your head high through whatever close-knit gay district you stroll through. Good Luck!
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    Apr 28, 2010 1:46 AM GMT
    Yeah.. the only long term relationship I'm interested in is with a guy I've known for 5 years.. so I think that qualifies.

    We've been broken up for a bit though.. and I've sorta started to date around. But definitely not playin the crazy card with anybody. So far it's been all.. hookups and only-first dates.
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    May 10, 2010 9:41 PM GMT
    sexyactionnick said
    MunchingZombie saidYou are free to pursue the relationships you want. They are free to pursue the relationships they want. You got a date and a lay. You got exactly what you want. What is the problem?

    He said the same thing too. The thing is, at no point did I ever say "All I want is sex." Apparently, if you don't want a long-term relationship, all you want is to get in people's pants.

    I think there's a middle ground. I think you can date someone without picturing the condo you're going to buy together. Maybe it'll go there, maybe it won't. But why is there nothing inbetween? Since when are you either a whore or committed? Can you date someone just to have a good time, to have companionship and fun? And yes, sex?

    I'm not even objecting to guys who want LTR's, I just think that the first date is not the time to say "Listen, my biological clock is ticking. We gonna hop a plane to Massachusetts or what?"


    Of course, there's a middle ground. But fooling around with someone one the first date says "I just want sex" more than anything else. If that's not the message you want to send, you might want to keep your pants zipped until date 5 or 6. Or 10. ;)