First time heartbreak... I know get over but what if it's changed your life?

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    Apr 29, 2010 12:22 AM GMT
    I fell for a guy within a month of being with him. Guy said he was seeing other guys, and I was at the top, so I wanted to win him over. But when later told me that my moods and negativity were too much for him but he was willing to try harder until something could be resolved. I said ok. It wasn't until the end when he told me he had been seeing other guys on the side and that his friends didn't even like; though they still didn't know, that I decided to let him go. At one point he told me that my instability was making it difficult for him. So I decided at our last encounter at a downtown barhop filled with lots of intensity that if he was bothered by me anymore that I'd let him go so I knew that even though I just found out I was FALLING for him=), the fact that my instability and affection toward made me sensitive towards what would really make him happy. So I pushed him away and broke his heart. I've been crying, and am right now cause of my decision. I tried texting him a couple times in the several days, but have gotten no response. I don't even know what to do with myself. I want to go to where he's at and talk to him, but fear only that he is done with me completely. I need advice. I need someone to relate to one this, and I need to know what the RIGHT thing to do is, so I don't fuck this up any more.
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    Apr 29, 2010 12:28 AM GMT
    The hardest thing to let go of is a new toy. Been there...
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    Apr 29, 2010 12:49 AM GMT
    It's called a breakup because it's broken. Read the book.
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    Apr 29, 2010 1:11 AM GMT
    You need to leave him alone right now, no contact at all, because you're making it worse for both of you. If you're making contact he'll be reminded why it was hard to be with you and you'll be reminded that he's someone you can't be with, you're too emotionally invested and not thinking rationally.
    You can't change the way someone feels about you despite how much you feel about them, it's up to him and you're not giving him space to do that. Tell him what's happening to you and that you won't contact him until he does first and leave it at that. Don't think about what went wrong, think more constructively.

    I've been there a few years ago and tried to patch things up for months and they guy wasn't interested and I made it worse. I tried to win him back by every measure I could think of (working out to the extreme, going out of my way to invite him out, every time I saw him tried to talk to him) but if you look from the outside in, it makes it worse to have someone cling to you like that and I became a creep. I didn't even realise I was still sleeping on one side of the bed for 11 months.
    I knew I couldn't be friends with him because I wanted more so I just cut him off to stop me going crazy and it helped a lot. The working out was the best misguided goal I ever had though.
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    Jun 05, 2010 7:30 PM GMT
    jim_e saidYou need to leave him alone right now, no contact at all, because you're making it worse for both of you. If you're making contact he'll be reminded why it was hard to be with you and you'll be reminded that he's someone you can't be with, you're too emotionally invested and not thinking rationally.
    You can't change the way someone feels about you despite how much you feel about them, it's up to him and you're not giving him space to do that. Tell him what's happening to you and that you won't contact him until he does first and leave it at that. Don't think about what went wrong, think more constructively.

    I've been there a few years ago and tried to patch things up for months and they guy wasn't interested and I made it worse. I tried to win him back by every measure I could think of (working out to the extreme, going out of my way to invite him out, every time I saw him tried to talk to him) but if you look from the outside in, it makes it worse to have someone cling to you like that and I became a creep. I didn't even realise I was still sleeping on one side of the bed for 11 months.
    I knew I couldn't be friends with him because I wanted more so I just cut him off to stop me going crazy and it helped a lot. The working out was the best misguided goal I ever had though.


    Thank you for the honest first hand advice. I've been struggling to understand all of this for a long time. Letting go has been the hardest thing to do yet. Never having felt or connected this way is hard to forget. Though there is wisdom in letting go. I'm in the process of overhauling my life, for the shear fact that I've been needing to for years, and it will help keep me from having time to think about him. Only drawback is having to be in the University as him. He's leaving state in about year or so; so it won't be an issue for long. Can't wait to be free of the pain associated with all this. To be honest I'll always cherish "the one that got away" and will look back smile and laugh. Maybe we'll talk again someday, or not. But you're right. Time to move on or die waiting for nothing.
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    Jun 05, 2010 7:52 PM GMT
    sokolowski, I'm actually in a really similar situation so this post hit home for me. I recently got into and out of my first serious relationship and it just really sucks that it ended like it did. Meeting another guy that actually likes me and ares about me seems like an impossiblity right now, I never felt what I had before so losing it is the scariest thing thats ever happened to me. It's just like, after being aalone so long and then finally knowing what a relationship feels like, I can't go back to casual hookups. God this sucks.

    jim e u had really good advice and your words are makin a lot of sense to me right now. that gives me a lot of perspective so thanks.
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    Jun 05, 2010 8:09 PM GMT
    jc_ginger saidsokolowski, I'm actually in a really similar situation so this post hit home for me. I recently got into and out of my first serious relationship and it just really sucks that it ended like it did. Meeting another guy that actually likes me and ares about me seems like an impossiblity right now, I never felt what I had before so losing it is the scariest thing thats ever happened to me. It's just like, after being aalone so long and then finally knowing what a relationship feels like, I can't go back to casual hookups. God this sucks.

    jim e u had really good advice and your words are makin a lot of sense to me right now. that gives me a lot of perspective so thanks.



    From hear what I'v heard:
    The truth is that you and I both will have to move on and learn to be open with time. If you don't find the strength to honestly move on you're going to be dead from the inside out living in an unending cycle of woulda-shoulda-couldas finding yourself dressing in all your best clothes, jewels, hair and make-up at your once favorite shared bar, waiting for him to return to you, in vain. You don't want to have your heart, mind and soul locked in the past. It's up to you to live here and now.

    Be hopeful for the future my friend. There will be a time that you can see other guys. You may be apprehensive at first and that's okay. It'll take time, but you'll eventually find yourself noticing that you're back on track, only stronger and wiser about the whole thing. Love yourself damn it - it shows! (=
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    Jun 05, 2010 8:09 PM GMT
    It's tough, but you have to move on. My last ex walked away from me after two years. I find I don't like hanging out with him because there are too many hurt feelings. I never did try to get back together with him, breaking up was the best thing he ever did for me.

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    Jun 05, 2010 8:10 PM GMT
    sokolowski and jc_ginger, to get where we are, we each went through what you're both going through now.

    This is growth and it's sometimes all hurty, just like building your body, but in this case it's your heart (ability to give love, receive love, and understand love).

    lol, 'The sleeper awakens'. This is just the beginning of new life with considerably more depth.

    jim_e has given dazzling ( if I may say so ) advice.

    -Doug

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    Jun 13, 2010 9:02 PM GMT
    meninlove said sokolowski and jc_ginger, to get where we are, we each went through what you're both going through now.

    This is growth and it's sometimes all hurty, just like building your body, but in this case it's your heart (ability to give love, receive love, and understand love).

    lol, 'The sleeper awakens'. This is just the beginning of new life with considerably more depth.

    jim_e has given dazzling ( if I may say so ) advice.

    -Doug



    Now what if you have a rep cause he's told everyone how you ruined his life and always hangs around or has friends who do that just stir up the pain of remembering how stupid you once were? Now what do I do?
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    Jun 13, 2010 9:31 PM GMT
    Marilyn Monroe once said "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." To me.. this is about the work we have to put into our relationships (friends and lovers alike) to preserve them. BE THERE when the important people in your life need you. One day, you'll need them.

    This philosophy makes me feel that the "I love you so I'm setting you free" angle is bullshit. Relationship don't get handed to you. They take sacrifice and work. Whatever you choose you have to be a man about it. Shit or get off the pot. If you love him, and want him, be with him and do anything to keep him happy. If you can't/won't change for him, then leave him alone and let him move on.

    Decide. Do.

    This works both ways. If he can't/won't give you what you need to be happy, maybe you need to make the decision to leave him. Be realistic about the challenges that face you.
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    Jun 13, 2010 9:34 PM GMT
    jim_e saidYou need to leave him alone right now, no contact at all, because you're making it worse for both of you. If you're making contact he'll be reminded why it was hard to be with you and you'll be reminded that he's someone you can't be with, you're too emotionally invested and not thinking rationally.
    You can't change the way someone feels about you despite how much you feel about them, it's up to him and you're not giving him space to do that. Tell him what's happening to you and that you won't contact him until he does first and leave it at that. Don't think about what went wrong, think more constructively.

    I've been there a few years ago and tried to patch things up for months and they guy wasn't interested and I made it worse. I tried to win him back by every measure I could think of (working out to the extreme, going out of my way to invite him out, every time I saw him tried to talk to him) but if you look from the outside in, it makes it worse to have someone cling to you like that and I became a creep. I didn't even realise I was still sleeping on one side of the bed for 11 months.
    I knew I couldn't be friends with him because I wanted more so I just cut him off to stop me going crazy and it helped a lot. The working out was the best misguided goal I ever had though.


    ditto.
    word by word.
    this happened to me, and i did the same thing, cut him off, and in the process of this break up, i found myself icon_smile.gif.
    best break up ever.
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    Jun 13, 2010 9:48 PM GMT
    sokolowski said
    Now what if you have a rep cause he's told everyone how you ruined his life and always hangs around or has friends who do that just stir up the pain of remembering how stupid you once were? Now what do I do?


    So am I to understand; you didn’t take the advice and now he is going around saying you are ruining his life?
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    Jun 13, 2010 9:51 PM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidLeave the guy alone... you've sent texts. His silence means something. Accept that, no matter how much it hurts.
    If it was meant to be.. he will return your notes in time.
    Pushing it any more right now is only pushing him further and further away.
    Give it time so you can both heal...icon_cool.gif


    The thing is I have left him alone. I stopped texting about a month ago when I met with him last. Sure my mind and heart were more dominating over my logic, but now I'm just trying to move on cause it's the only option I've got, but he's here and it's annoying as hell. I don't invite him. I live here. And everywhere: the bus, the library, wherever there are people whom won't stop talking shit about what I did! It's annoying the hell out of me>(