Help! I've turned into the jealous friend and don't know how to get out of it!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 02, 2010 8:36 PM GMT
    Need some advice people..
    I moved in to a great house with a friend 2 years ago. I didn't know him all that well, but we soon became amazing friends - he's like the brother I never had. There is no sexual attraction between us, but we have gotten very comfortable with each other and act like an old married couple sometimes... share groceries, cooking, take trips together, etc.
    It's become easy to forget about looking for a 'serious' relationship, and we've both had our share of hookups with other people in the past couple years, but recently he started dating someone and they are getting along famously. Great, I am happy for him... but all of a sudden I am back to doing things on my own and they are off doing the stuff we used to do together - or worse, doing it right in front of me... I am seriously struggling:
    1. I don't really like the guy that much, he's 'nice' and all - but not someone I would choose to hang out with myself.
    2. My friend wants me to get along with him and be great buddies, but I can't stand the guy (mostly cause he's taken my best friend away from me).
    I know how this stuff works, I need to be happy for him and not make him choose between us, and I need to get on with my own life like he has... but man it all hurts so much right now I can't see straight. Losing sleep over it and feeling horribly lonely.
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    May 02, 2010 8:58 PM GMT
    Hey nickd1975..oh owww, I've been there (mind, that was a loonnnggg time ago) but got some great advice from Mom n Dad. It sounds like your friend is in love, so during this time when they're bonding and discovering each other you're going to feel like that third wheel. Dad said,
    "Doug it's time to make new friends."

    Mom's advice was that I'd put all my eggs in one basket, which she said is fine for demonstrating dedication to a partner-in-life but not so great with friends because she said,
    "You have to expect for friends what you'd expect for yourself. Doug, when you fall in love you'll want to experience all the things friends share plus the depths of being in love. You'll want your friends to understand that, and give you room to do so." She suggested I consider my friend that had (horrors) abandoned me for a lover, worth giving this room to, and to encourage it. She said he'd be back once the initial period of getting to know each other was over in about 6 months. She told me the more I embraced this idea and let my buddy go to it with my enthusiastic support, the better the outcome would be.

    She was right.

    -Doug

    PS My own condensed version of the above is to give the guy everything as far as space and good feelings go, because your own turn will come. icon_wink.gif
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    May 02, 2010 9:35 PM GMT
    Thanks Meninlove... you hit it spot on. I guess the tough part is that he's still clinging to our friendship in the same way, but getting all the new experiences too... monday-friday it's just like old times and i forget all about it... then the weekend comes and buddy shows up with his toothbrush and all of a sudden i'm the third wheel. i guess i have to ask him to give me a bit of space too. this is going to take some courage i'm not sure i have...... i'm not good at making new friends, but will take your advice and stew on it a few days..
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    May 02, 2010 9:44 PM GMT
    I have been there. My best friend and I have known each other for 19 years and lived together for the last 10 years and are very close. During this time, various boyfriends, his and mine, have come and gone. In the beginning I would be jealous. One of his boyfriends was really not a nice person and I was really having a hard time worrying about my friend for two years. Now I just feel relieved that he is seeing someone much nicer.

    Don't withdraw or anything. You still have your friend the whole week. Just find something to do on your own on the weekends. With time you'll get used to it.
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    May 03, 2010 12:38 AM GMT
    viveutvivas saidI have been there. My best friend and I have known each other for 19 years and lived together for the last 10 years and are very close. During this time, various boyfriends, his and mine, have come and gone. In the beginning I would be jealous. One of his boyfriends was really not a nice person and I was really having a hard time worrying about my friend for two years. Now I just feel relieved that he is seeing someone much nicer.

    Don't withdraw or anything. You still have your friend the whole week. Just find something to do on your own on the weekends. With time you'll get used to it.



    This is great advice, and on the weekends meet new people. I think if you withdraw he'll feel bad and have those feelings about having to choose between friend and BF.
    Perhaps try and think of how it would be if you were the one with the BF that makes you head over heels giddy and how you'd want your best friend to be about it. I think you'd want your best buddy to cheer you on. icon_wink.gif

    ...and hey both Viveutvivas and I have walked in your shoes, so already you're not alone!
    -Doug
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    May 03, 2010 12:59 AM GMT
    My best friend is my roommate, and when I do things on my own he gets very jealous. It's caused a lot of problems between us. The only advice I can offer up from the other end is... that's just life. You gotta accept that. The other advice you've been given on here is great. But it all points to you being supportive of your friend, and you developing a life outside of your friendship with your bud.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    May 03, 2010 1:24 AM GMT
    All very sound advice, and spot on.

    However, I think you are a little bit in love with him. I don't discount your statement that there is no sexual attraction between the two of you, but I think if you look long and hard you'll find that a part of you would LOVE to be that new BF, and wonders "why him and not me?" After all the things you've done together, it would be very hard not to have feelings that go beyond best friends. That's a pretty good thing, actually, and shows that you're capable of looking beyond the sexual for finding depth and connection with someone you care about.

    If, after pondering this, you find that little piece of your heart is his, it's perfectly understandable. That's the part that once it's been acknowledged, will likely open a floodgate of understanding and happiness for what your best bud has found in his life, and leave you a lot more room to find it in yours.

    The heart wants what the heart wants. If it wants what it can't have, it makes it very difficult. Acknowledge it, if it is true, and then, release it.

    I feel your frustration. Truly.

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    May 03, 2010 4:51 AM GMT
    Ya MCB, I guess this is as close to a real relationship (outside of the sex) I have ever been in for so long... I do care for him alot, but I guess not enough to say so. And Your right, I do wish it was me a bit - maybe not with him but with someone! I guess it was easy to feel like I wasn't going to be alone the rest of my life and now that possibilty is back. I'm more confused now! Lol