"I knew all along" and Coming out

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  Jan 29, 2008 5:52 AM GMT

  I've been talking with some gay friends recently, and most, if not all, have similar stories of some of their friends and family saying "I've known all along" (or something similar) when they've come out.
  
  I'm a strong believer that the only way you can know if someone is gay is if they tell you. Otherwise you have witch hunts, may force someone further into the closet, or a myriad of other things.
  
  So, I was wondering, for those of you who share my belief, how do you counter-argue the "I've always known" view? My instincts tell me that that particular view is weak and wrong, but I can't pinpoint why or put words to it.
  
  What do you guys think?
  
  (sorry for the loaded and lengthy question!)
  

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  Jan 29, 2008 5:59 AM GMT

  i think "i always knew" isn't the right sentence
  
  "i always assumed" "i always thought you might be..."
  
  if people are observant to the fact that some guys, don't have girlfriends, or just don't show genuine interest in girls, they start to think. sometimes they're wrong. i'm not offended that some of my friends sorta figured "maybe he's gay and that's why he hasn't been with anyone at a school where you can't sneeze without getting laid" (actual quote)

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  Jan 29, 2008 6:42 AM GMT

  Not out... YET.
  
  But I think it'll be what I'll be hearing too.
  
  I've been rumored as being gay once when this girl came on to me and I didn't really return the affection.
  
  Plus the fact that though available (and have had several opportunities) I never had a girlfriend (nor ever will LOL)

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  Jan 31, 2008 8:28 PM GMT

  I agree with your sentiment that you wouldn't feel offended by someone saying they "i always assumed." However, my selection of "i always knew" was deliberate and "the right sentence," for the purpose of what I wanted to discuss.
  
  Both of you more or less cite that if guys don't have girlfriends that sooner or later they'll be ID'd as being gay. But that is only one situation a closeted person could be in, I know of lots of other situations of closeted individuals who have had, or have currently, girl friends. (There's a term for this, I think its called a "beard" or something, which is defined as a female that a closeted male dates to hide his sexuality.)
  
  
  
  
  

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  Jan 31, 2008 8:33 PM GMT

  I believe it's an easy/soft way out for them to say as opposed to "No shit?" or something abrasive. Plus it allows them to rationalize it & any thoughts that MAY have crossed their minds or feelings in their gut.

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  Feb 02, 2008 6:19 PM GMT

  That makes some sense, that maybe they're denying themselves any immediate and sudden surprise that could leave them a little insecure so they come off strong instead of weak. In a way, its more for them than it is a response to the person coming out.

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• mcwclewis
  
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  Feb 02, 2008 6:46 PM GMT

  Everyone pretends they already knew.
  
  I had one guy actually jump back, wide eyed, and immediately after, he said "Oh I knew..."
  
  Yeah, they actually mean "I've thought it may have been a possibility, but didn't dwell on it long enough to come to a conclusion."

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  Feb 02, 2008 7:33 PM GMT

  Maybe you could think of it this way - they're saying that they thought you were gay, but didn't care and stayed your friend anyway. Maybe it's an unconcious way of giving comfort.
  
  Did you see that episode on gay children on American 60 Minutes? The children showed a lot stereotypical characteristics of gay people and I'd expect their friends to say, "I always knew."

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  Feb 02, 2008 9:30 PM GMT

  as my mom said "i've had my assumptions. but i gave you the benefit of the doubt until you we're gonna affirm it"
  
  and apparently most of my buddies' girlfriend assumed as well.

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• maximumrisk
  
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  Feb 02, 2008 9:38 PM GMT

  I once told it to a group of my Friends at once and all of them answerd at the same time "We already knew".
  That was some surprise. The normal reaction I get (and hope to get) is "Are you kidding me?".

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  Feb 02, 2008 10:14 PM GMT

  ya i agree with maximum. it would almost feel better if people we're shocked. make you feel less bad about worrying about the outcome and feeling like a fool for hyping it up so much by yourself.

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