Is it always so agonising?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 06, 2010 11:35 PM GMT
    I'm using you guys as a last resort, everyone I've tried to talk to right now is being completely useless, love them to bits but I need something more solid or just need to hear something different, I dun know.

    I know in the last few years my relationship with my ex wasn't great, we were on and off and all those things and now after spending extra weeks thinking about everything (at both our requests) we ended it last wednesday (it's currently friday)

    We were both on the same page and it went fantastically well, calm, no sadness by the time I left his place we were both laughing and smiling and although sad we knew we were doing the right thing.

    after it ended I was on this incredible high, I felt good, sad that something that was so important for so long had ended but very happy about having a new life.. I knew it wouldn't last but I never thought I'd crash this fucking hard.

    Every morning since (twice now obviously) Ive woken up with these horrible feelings that I can't adequately explain, it's like dread, loss, pain I dun know, I can't put it into words, I miss him dearly, I don't want him back but christ these feelings of not having him there are killing me in everything and nothing I'm doing is helping settle the nerves..

    I eventually run out of everything and I level off but it's still not a good feeling inside of me and I'm completely lost on what I'm suppose to do, I've things that need to be done and all I wanna do is just lay in bed and cry stupidly..

    And the worst thing, I don't get hugs anymore, it's stupid that I'm misssing those so much but damn it I am, I knew that huge so well and it always made me feel a little better..

    I think I'm just frustrated
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 06, 2010 11:44 PM GMT
    darling: you are experiencing grief.

    if you aren't familiar with the stages of it, you might look them up. it's good that you parted ways on a positive note; however, i would argue that the acceptance and euphoria you felt at first was the stage that comes toward the end after "acceptance." now you will go back to the beginning and experience all the steps that were skipped, and you will come back around eventually to the relief you were feeling two days ago.

    although it may sound terribly cerebral, understanding grief may help you navigate it. and do not think for a moment that it is strong/manly/wise/good to avoid these feelings and processes. this is part of the healing cycle, and it requires that you experience it fully. you will come out of this far healthier and better adjusted if you give yourself the time and compassion you need. suppressing and/or avoiding grief is NOT going to help, and may even make you worse off in the long run.

    i will not say i hope you heal soon, but i will say i hope you heal completely.

    xoxo
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 06, 2010 11:53 PM GMT
    Uh...yeah...what dancerjack said.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 07, 2010 12:04 AM GMT
    Yeah ... I have to agree with the other guys on this
    It is a grieving process
    and you'll feel some sadness some dread some anger
    but you'll get over it
    This is the same as when someone dies
    instead in this case
    a person didn't die the hope and the familiarity of having this relationship did

    Unfortunately there isn't anyway to sidestep this issue but there's a silver lining in that no one ever died from it either icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 07, 2010 12:11 AM GMT
    jprichva said
    GQjock said no one ever died from it either icon_wink.gif

    Tell that to the composers of operas.

    "We live in such a licentious age
    That no one dies for love but on the stage."

    Henry Fielding, Tom Jones, the History of a Foundling, 1749
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 07, 2010 12:15 AM GMT
    My friend, this is withdrawal from a hormone that used to be present when you were sexual, physical or close with your ex.

    Most common signs of withdrawal are the ones you've listed, actually, particularly depression.

    As you've rationalized the circumstances of your breakup, you know the decision was right. It will take your synapses a little longer to get there.

    Cures: time, ultimately. If it does not go away, see a therapist, and they may recommend some medication. Meantime, find non-destructive ways to boost your dopamine levels...which could be smoking a little weed, licking Popsicles, mixing a Bloody Mary, or dancing with friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 07, 2010 12:26 AM GMT
    ...or all of the above at once.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 07, 2010 12:40 AM GMT
    yes, what dancerjack said and others...it's a grieving process...give yerself a break, buddy! And time.

    Be with people you love.
    Do more things you love to do.
    Make sure you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel.
    Ultimately, that will help make the process go faster, I believe, when you let the normal feelings occur to a point...

    Counseling helps, too!

    I don't know you, but I feel compelled to respond b/c I read your posts almost every day.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 07, 2010 2:01 AM GMT
    Thank you everyone for your advice and comments, it's very much appreciated, while I've never experienced a breakup, I am finding some things rather difficult, I've been through some bad things in life but have always managed to find my way through and at least if not the same person something better for my self..

    I did learn many things with my ex, about having a relationship, having a partner, being a partner, about my self and about other people, I've also grown up a lot too in those years, I've many wonderful memories and great stories that hopefully one day will make me laugh or smile.

    I know I'll be good eventually but the pain I'm going through is a lot more then I ever anticipated or prepared my self for, thankfully even with everything, I don't feel depressed and am kinda of excited about the future, it's just a really big struggle trying to deal with everything in the morning..

    MMTM, when my sex drive comes back, bed hockey there will be heh and lots of it icon_razz.gif

    I'm going to the gym this afternoon and I'm going to throw everything I got at it, need that little injection of what ever my body puts out to help clear my head..
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    May 07, 2010 2:08 AM GMT
    If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 07, 2010 2:19 AM GMT
    Bill says the grief you feel speaks of the love you gave. You love a lot, and deeply. This tells me a lot about you.

    admiring -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 07, 2010 2:22 AM GMT
    dancerjack saiddarling: you are experiencing grief.

    if you aren't familiar with the stages of it, you might look them up. it's good that you parted ways on a positive note; however, i would argue that the acceptance and euphoria you felt at first was the stage that comes toward the end after "acceptance." now you will go back to the beginning and experience all the steps that were skipped, and you will come back around eventually to the relief you were feeling two days ago.

    although it may sound terribly cerebral, understanding grief may help you navigate it. and do not think for a moment that it is strong/manly/wise/good to avoid these feelings and processes. this is part of the healing cycle, and it requires that you experience it fully. you will come out of this far healthier and better adjusted if you give yourself the time and compassion you need. suppressing and/or avoiding grief is NOT going to help, and may even make you worse off in the long run.

    i will not say i hope you heal soon, but i will say i hope you heal completely.

    xoxo


    This sums grief up nicely, Jack - and I can't add anything new. Well stated. Ben - just know guys are thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way to hopefully help you get through this tough time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 07, 2010 2:53 AM GMT
    Agonizing perhaps but a great sense of release for sure! there is an old saying "No pain no gain" and if you don't believe me when you go to the gym you will notice how your muscles will hurt a lot until eventually they will get passed the pain! well so does grieving as that strenuous exercise the loss you feel now needs in order to get your emotions back into shape! well that is if you understand that your emotions are the muscles of your psyche!?

    Buddy I went through those feelings of loss and bursts of tears not too long ago, so I understand what you are going through, having said that don't be surprise if that state of mind will stay with you for a while, in the meantime all you can do is learn to deal with it until eventually I assure you will stop hurting. Good luck to you, and thank you for sharing your pain with us, you are not alone!!


    Leandro ♥
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 07, 2010 3:37 AM GMT
    Tank, google "Kubler-Ross stages of grief". Knowing the natural progression of these emotions can sometimes help.

    I'm kind of going through these stages now in my preparation to relocate to San Francisco. It's bittersweet leaving Hawai'i. But I know it's the right thing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 07, 2010 3:39 AM GMT
    This is normal what you're experiencing
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 07, 2010 3:42 AM GMT

    I was in a 8yr relationship and a day has not went by yet that I have not felt weird, scared and lonely. I miss trips, The smell of prell shampoo, arguing over foot prints on the passenger side dash board of my car. Movies, Dinners and find myself totally weirded out by our friends (couples) that we doubled dated with. I tried to escape those feelings last summer and dated a sweet talking MANipulator. (I knew better) but wanted to move on. Allow yourself a time to grieve and a time to re-build your life solo. Much of what you know is as a couple. find solace in your new independence. don't rush anything it might make matters worse.

    Take your time to feel better. Much Love, Hill.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 07, 2010 5:25 AM GMT
    128746391138729665.jpg
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    May 07, 2010 6:26 AM GMT
    It's perfectly okay to put off those things that need doing so you can wallow around in bed and cry stupidly. Give yourself a break. The crying is part of the process of letting go. You're going to be okay. Don't figure out what you're "supposed" to do quite yet. A lot of us value you here. You'll be back on your feet soon. Hugs from way over here!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 07, 2010 8:40 AM GMT
    Sounds like a typical break-up to me. It sucks big time but the only way out is through.

    So wallow for a while, cry in bed, watch sh*tty movies and eat ice cream, maybe even go out and get drunk once in a while (but don't start hitting the bottle hard, it won't help long term).

    Eventually the crushing pain begins to lift and you start to emerge into the next phase of your life. Think of it as a rebirth, and as your mum will tell you, when you were born the first time it wasn't painless!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 07, 2010 9:12 AM GMT
    I wouldn't usually comment on this one, but your break up seemed so similar to the last I had. Being with him was so beautiful from beginning to end and I did feel good immediately after and not so good the next few days.

    I believe the most important thing is being conscious of what is happening; not tuning out your feelings but also keeping in mind that "this too will pass".

    If you feel sadness, acknowledge there is sadness, allow it to be, it shall pass; it you feel frustration, acknowledge there is frustration, allow it to be it shall pass... in a nutshell: don't resist the process.

    Also, you can use the concepts of the grief stages dancerjack shared, and/or the very practical perspective of "hormone withdrawal" and "synapses realignment" of Mickeytopogigio to see it from a more detached perspective: you're not your feelings, nor your thoughts even if they can be overwhelming; with time you can take a string of decisions to have different thoughts and feelings.

    Take good decisions. And take care.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 07, 2010 10:54 AM GMT
    It's completely normal, especially when you end the relationship on a positive note. It's hard to go through the process when you take anger out of the formula, but the way you're doing it is the best way to tackle the situation. Sadly, most choose the more immature way out.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    May 07, 2010 10:56 AM GMT
    Agony aside, I'm jealous. Consider yourself lucky. To have had something that elicits agony when ending is very nice, and doesn't come around that often.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    May 07, 2010 2:01 PM GMT
    DCEric saidIf it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

    everyone does experience grief at some point. but, no, not everyone takes the healthy steps to take their focus away from what is missing in order to open their eyes to what is now in front of them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 07, 2010 2:05 PM GMT
    This may sound crass, but think of it like cancer. You have to go through the hell of chemo to get over it, emerging as a new person whether you want to or not.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    May 07, 2010 2:06 PM GMT
    lilTanker said

    And the worst thing, I don't get hugs anymore, it's stupid that I'm misssing those so much but damn it I am, I knew that huge so well and it always made me feel a little better..


    I am probably one of the newest members here but here goes.
    hugs05.jpg