Personal - My feelings, why do I feel the way I do etc.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2010 1:54 AM GMT
    This will be a long post, proably shouldn't even post it here, but I couldn't find another website with this "general area". Prety much it's about my feelings, how it's started and what not - aain this will be a long post.

    I'm gay, 22, etc. I'm out to everyone in my family except my dad - which he makes homophobic remarks and I could care less what he thinks.
    A few days ago I was looking on Youtube for music to listen to when I came accross David Archuletas crush song. I watched the montage someont had with it and it was about Luke and Noah from As The World Turns. So I started to watch that show. Watched just the Luke and Noah portions of the story on another site (had youtube videos linked) and just watched it.
    Now for some other info - I can sympathize with Luke falling for a "str8" guy. I've been in that situation ... well a few times... and my best friend started dating the str8 guy I liked (the most recent last time). I fell hard, but did the opposite of Luke, I wanted to talk to him I wanted to get to know him more even though I knew he was with my best friend. Anyways, all that turned into is pain and torture - I come from a small town, where I feel like I'm the only gay guy - internet wise all the other gay guys are like in their 50s - , and I went to college (where the last event happened at) in a small town like the one I'm in. - I pretty much would walk at nights, try an calm down, but if the pain became too unbearable I would actually find a razor and cut myself. It was horrible, anti-depressants didn't work, no one else knew, and all in all I ended up losing half my friends from college of the whole thing. Anyways, I guess in that portion I just want to say I'm extremely sensetive, have very low self-esteem and it seems like all these little things get to me - like the show ATWT. Low self-esteem I'll be honest, my teeth are broke in the front, haven't had the funds to go to a dentist, my face is horrible, bad acne that I think is scars now, 200 lbs, no build, hairy, etc - so I don't hold myself high in any regards with my appearance. .... Sorry.... So how this is all working in together, watching the show ATWT brought up some old memories, old wounds that never healed, and actually has been torture/hell for me again, but worse I guess you could say. I'm getting to where I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, just want to give up my dreams - at work everyone tells me I do a great job and has given me extra tasks/projects to help with - , I want to leave this town, I hate feeling this way, I actually believe it's all my fault I've been pushing hard on mysel saying, why didn't you take care of this when you were younger, why didn't you do that and literally just beating myself up over everything. Right now I'm trying not to bawl as everyone is home and that. Well for anoher thing, I don't have a vehicle so I can't go anywhere... well I don't have a license either... trying to get it, but don't really care anymore - my fault for not pushing harder to get it I guess. I just wonder what it would be like if I just moved away, ignored everyone and just left the state, left the city, leave the country even. I feel so dark and alone on the inside it's pathetic, I feel horrible for even typing this here cause I don't feel it'a appropriate and will get bashed on and just make it worse, but somethings telling me to... I don't know...

    I've chatted with guys on the internet, but I'm scared to leave my parents as I get the 20 questions and lectures and how do you meet these guys and all that so I feel trapped in my parents house, I don't even dare go for a walk in the mornings cause I'll get 20 questions, are you sure you're not going with a guy, what's his name, where'd you meet him, where you going, etc. I'm 22 but still feel like I'm being controlled, horribly. I get guilt tripped when I want to leave town to go visit my friends; they act all pissed and say so your friends are more important, etc.

    So I feel my lifes ****ed up, my friends can't hang out on the weekends and I work full time during the week, my other friends live in different cities, I feel trapped, no one else knows what I've typed here, and I just want to sleep, and sleep till I have to go to work on monday so I can ignore these feelings, I use the computer as I love computers its what I use what I do what not, but even that is being to irritate me and push me down harder, ultimately I feel alone but mask it so no one else can see how miserable I am.

    I guess my main question is with all this, where am I going wrong in my life, why do I feel like this, what should I do - therapy isn't an option as it costs quite a bit per session. I feel a little better now that I've typed this, but still not that grand.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2010 2:12 AM GMT
    Well, you're in some ways in a good place - here. You'll find inspiration, but you'll need to get a few nerves of steel for RJ comments. Be patient with yourself, and work on yourself. Crushes and the like can wait a bit. Don't beat yourself up (though many of us do it, so you;re hardly alone, my friend).

    Life's what we make it, so make yours something interesting to feel satisfied about. Small steps, and one day at a time! You shine at work, and that's something to consider with self-worth.

    -Doug of meninlove

    PS Expect your parents to feel the way they do, and it gets easier. There's nothing like an internal eye roll , like this, icon_rolleyes.gif to help see the humour of their foibles. They can't help it; you're their son, and you know no one gets a manual on how to raise a child the right way. icon_wink.gif


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2010 4:33 AM GMT
    dark_inferno_22 saidI want to leave this town, I hate feeling this way, ... I'm scared to leave my parents... I feel trapped in my parents house, ...I'm 22 but still feel like I'm being controlled, horribly. I get guilt tripped when I want to leave town to go visit my friends; they act all pissed and say so your friends are more important, etc.

    So I feel my lifes ****ed up...ultimately I feel alone but mask it so no one else can see how miserable I am.

    I guess my main question is with all this, where am I going wrong in my life, why do I feel like this, what should I do - therapy isn't an option as it costs quite a bit per session. I feel a little better now that I've typed this, but still not that grand.



    First of all, ALWAYS LISTEN TO THE "MENINLOVE". They're some of the most active and positive-energy contributing members of this online community.

    Next, don't give up hope on having a great life. From what you share, it sounds like your situation is driving you to suicide. Suicide is never the answer. Never. When you get these thoughts and feeling, call The Trevor Project at 1-822-4-U-TREVOR. The Trevor Project has telephone counselors that can help you to understand what you are feeling in the context of being a gay/bi/questioning young person. And, they can help you get more help. Program that number into your phone NOW so that you can call it when you're really feeling down.

    Like the meninlove said, "Life is what we make of it." Right now, your life is miserable. But it doesn't have to stay that way. Start planning your escape now. Don't tell anybody who is going to poo-pah your ideas or guilt trip you. Remember, it's an "escape plan". Keep it your own treasured secret. Think about it when you are feeling like there is no hope. Act daily on making your escape plan a reality. Make it the complete focus of your life from the moment you wake up, to the moment you go to sleep at night.

    Also, seriously consider the benefit of getting out of Orem and getting to some major city that is gay friendly on a coast. The closest one to you is San Francisco...."Gay Mecca".

    It takes balls and guts to just pick up with virtually nothing and leave. I know. That's what I did when I came to Honolulu. Now, that's what I'm doing as I prepare my own "escape plan" to (Guess where???!!!) San Francisco!

    It can be done, and getting there is 1/2 the fun and adventure. It can be exciting to change your life and start a new chapter!

    Just remember, it's all up to you. It's always your choice on what to do, or what not to do. The "default choice", which is the outcome if you do not make a choice, is that you will continue to go along in the same pattern that you are in now, and it may get worse.

    Also, getting away from the family and local friends for a while can actually help build stronger, healthier relationships with them in the long run.

    So, use your free will and make choices that are going to give you the great life that you deserve!

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan

    P.S. If you're "out" to the rest of your family, your Dad probably knows and he's just not telling you.




  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 19, 2010 5:45 AM GMT
    Wow.. The first thing you need to understand is that your life has just started so stop saying to yourself: "why didn't you take care of this when you were younger"... 22 is just a small portion of your life, and in no way represents your future.. you are the owner of your life.. you rule your life, therefore is up to you to start making those changes to get to the point you want to be.. If your hometown sucks and you are suffering because of it then screeaam and run from there!!! Move! Or at least start making some plans and goals in order to get out of there. And please stop watching soaps! Those are the most fucked up shit on tv. Btw I broke all my front teeth too while I was doing martial arts, Until I managed to get the money to get them fixed.. Now i got a porcelain smile, literally! icon_biggrin.gif Life will give you a bit of everything happy times, sad times, friends and enemies.. Life will give you everything.