Flattered or insulted?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2010 10:33 PM GMT
    So, I meet this guy at a party and although he is somewhat a bit older than I would normally consider a date but we have a great conversation.

    After a great conversation we decide to keep in touch as friends and enjoy more conversations on the same level and perhaps form a friendship.

    On our second meet up we are having this great chat and towards the end of the evening he pops the statement (not question) that I am now going to take him home.

    There is that awkward silence.

    Now let's rewind to the first meeting. As I said he is not someone I would consider a date for myself but given the opportunity I would most likely have taken advantage of the moment but second time round I'm just not interested.

    It's not the first time his has happened lately and to be honest I seem to be just turned away by guys who seem to be more interested in sleeping with me than forming what could be a great friendship.

    Am I making wrong judgements here or just being a snob? I'm not out to give people the wrong idea at all but it always ends up this way.
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    May 10, 2010 11:33 PM GMT
    he obviously wanted more then what you did, many guys use that whole "friendship" bullshit to weasel there way in.. next time just say no.
  • GQjock

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    May 10, 2010 11:43 PM GMT
    On our second meet up we are having this great chat and towards the end of the evening he pops the statement (not question) that I am now going to take him home.

    I don't get why you didn't bust out laughin'

    laughing.gif

    Listen ... this is one of the things that piss me off to no end
    If you're going to be a friend then be one .... don't play games and think mebbe I'll change my mind or somethin'

    Guys do this all the time
    be honest and up front .... but you're gonna see a lot of guys disappear that way too icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2010 11:46 PM GMT
    Hobbs I love you icon_sad.gif
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    May 10, 2010 11:52 PM GMT
    ...you are a big boy - the situation just needed handling - and a good friendship is still possible once the boundaries are known and understood..

    ...curious though as to why you say ' I am now going to take him home' when you are referring to yourself?

    - could it be this has never happened to you and you are just trying to start a thread???

    hobbs would have a good laugh over that icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2010 11:52 PM GMT
    ...you are a big boy - the situation just needed handling - and a good friendship is still possible once the boundaries are known and understood..

    ...curious though as to why you say ' I am now going to take him home' when you are referring to yourself?

    - could it be this has never happened to you and you are just trying to start a thread???

    hobbs would have a good laugh over that icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2010 11:56 PM GMT
    That man is a crashing boor. You were right to react with stunned silence. Even if I had been interested before, that would be a game changer probably.
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    May 10, 2010 11:57 PM GMT
    sydney_cider saidAm I making wrong judgements here or just being a snob? I'm not out to give people the wrong idea at all but it always ends up this way.


    What kind of judgements are you making? Aren't men thinking about sex every seven seconds, or something like that. It seems likely that if a guy is both chatting with and attracted to you he wants to have sex with you.

    I don't think there's anything snobbish about just wanting to be friends with a guy.
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    May 10, 2010 11:58 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidhe obviously wanted more then what you did, many guys use that whole "friendship" bullshit to weasel there way in.. next time just say no.

    lilTanker usually nails it pretty well. And some guys take a more aggressive approach. You have to be prepared to know what your answer will be, whether yes or no. An example:

    I briefly met this guy at a gay club and was smitten by him. I wanted to ask him home, but I was kinda unsure of myself, always insecure because of my unattractive looks. Before I knew it, he was going out the door with another guy, and I went home alone.

    OK, so next week, I see him there again, and I say hello. This time I'm not gonna lose this guy, and as the night drew to a close, I screwed up my courage, and said very casually: "So, you wanna come home with me?" How blunt!

    Well, he did! He coulduv said no, drop dead, all kinds of things. But ya know, if you lack the courage, you might as well stay home. I rely on the other guy to choose for himself, and the best I can do is ask the question.

    (BTW, he was fantastic, we stayed together for years, I still have some regrets we broke up, still in regular touch as good friends)

    So alright, our OP had someone drop the question bluntly. I like that! Bravo! Be just as blunt in your answer: yes or no.

    And why not jump into the sack? Another way of finding out if a guy & you are compatible. I used to call it my "bed test": when sex was done, if I could sleep next to this guy, we had potential. If I felt uncomfortable with him lying next to me, we had no potential. Crude, but effective, and totally automatic on my part. I trust to my instincts.

    But first I have to give my instincts a chance. I find relationships like baseball, where you can't be afraid to stand up to home plate, and sometimes strike out. If you don't believe a home run is in your future, you have no business being in the game. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2010 12:32 AM GMT
    you should of laughed it off & made a sarcastic reply....you know play it off :d

    thats just me though, conscidering I hate akward moments...especially the silent moments :i
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2010 12:40 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidhe obviously wanted more then what you did, many guys use that whole "friendship" bullshit to weasel there way in.. next time just say no.


    Well that's what I said. I just said no. Crazily enough I'd made it clear prior to the second meetup I'm not looking at dating this guy just stick to being friends.

    He just kept coming back with "I want I want I want" not once was there the question of what I'd want.

    Quite simply I replied to him, that's not what I want and guess what, he hasn't called since.

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    May 11, 2010 12:42 AM GMT
    ozmuscle2 said...you are a big boy - the situation just needed handling - and a good friendship is still possible once the boundaries are known and understood..

    ...curious though as to why you say ' I am now going to take him home' when you are referring to yourself?

    - could it be this has never happened to you and you are just trying to start a thread???

    hobbs would have a good laugh over that icon_confused.gif


    Just to correct, it went
    Me: So that was a nice chat, what did you want to do now?
    Him: I'm going to go back to your place.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2010 12:45 AM GMT
    ozmuscle2 said
    - could it be this has never happened to you and you are just trying to start a thread???


    The fact is it just seems to be happening more frequently lately. I meet someone, I get on with them, they want to sleep with me. Since when did a great conversation about world politics (as an example not literal) turn into "I want to sleep with you"?

    Okay, maybe a bit obvious, but can't people get the hint it's just a conversation?

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    May 11, 2010 1:15 AM GMT
    sydney_cider saidWell that's what I said. I just said no. Crazily enough I'd made it clear prior to the second meetup I'm not looking at dating this guy just stick to being friends.

    He just kept coming back with "I want I want I want" not once was there the question of what I'd want.

    Quite simply I replied to him, that's not what I want and guess what, he hasn't called since.


    I'm not surprised to be honest that he hasn't called, he was trying to get in via the friendship route, except he wasn't very classy about it!

    Unfortunately it happens and it happens a lot, lots of guys can't settle them self just to a friendship, especially straight away with a guy they are excited about.. not much you can do about it except to be honest
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2010 1:19 AM GMT
    Your immediate response should have been, "great, so I can change into my PJs and we can continue chatting on my couch!"
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    May 11, 2010 1:24 AM GMT
    EastCoastNAZ saidYour immediate response should have been, "great, so I can change into my PJs and we can continue chatting on my couch!"


    Segueing a date into PJs and couch time sounds seriously awesome to be frank.
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    May 11, 2010 1:26 AM GMT
    I would have chuckled, said thanks and stated that I only want to be friends. Simple as that.
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    May 11, 2010 3:20 AM GMT
    sydney_cider saidMe: So that was a nice chat, what did you want to do now?


    Well, DUH! You led him on with THAT question! You might as well have said, "Well, we've certainly had a lively discussion and I wish to bring it to a close. However, I am not finished with your company so what say you, we should do from here thereon? I shall do so at your bidding."

    Him: "I want sex."

    You: "My, that certainly is a flattering offer but I certainly did not anticipate that fresh response. I tell you what. I wish to take back my offer and say that we should call it a night. Thank you for your pleasant albeit awkward company. Toodle-loo!"

    Just be forthright and polite. Say, "That was a nice chat." Look at your watch and say, "Oops. Look at the time. I would love to chat with you again, say over coffee tomorrow at Starbucks?" You're letting him know that you want to remain on friendly terms with him by sticking to pleasant conversations in public places. He can get the hint.
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    May 11, 2010 3:30 AM GMT
    You could always be a fair weather friend and just hit and then quit it.LOL. I'm teasing.

    Yeah it's is kinda of a dick move to pull the "I wanna be friends"card when in reality all they wanna just do is have sex with you. Most guys would be better off just coming forward and honest and saying they wanted sex from the get-go instead of procrastinating and bullshitting themselves and you. It's a lame tactic and you are way better off not entertaining a guy who can't come clean and basically man up about his wants.

    Granted the forward and brutal honest approach isn't always the best way but at least it's honest and I know I'll have more respect for the guy even though nothing is gonna happen vs. the guy who lies and tries pulling a fast one with some tall tale of wanting to just be friends but secretly has every intention of just wanting to "bang and bounce out".

    Even when looking for a friend with benefits you at least become friends and discuss the possibility of taking it further and still just being friends.

    "Man up or bitch out but either keep it real."
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    May 11, 2010 3:42 AM GMT
    Yeah, the whole "Wanna go home with me" thing more often than not ends up poorly.

    On very rare occasion have I "felt the vibe" where the statement "Let's get outta here" is met with an eager and coordinated move towards the door.

    Usually, there is ambiguity in the situation. If I feel like the guy is really hot and hot for me, then I might say something like, "I think I might like to get out of here. What would you like to do?" That message signals both that I'd like to change the venue, and I'm subtly signaling that I would I'm interested in what the guy wants to do.

    If the guy wants to leave as well, we then head for the door and talk about what we want to do or where we want to go. Sometimes, instead of directly home, it might be to go to a diner or something to get to know each other more. It can go as fast or as slow as both partners to the dance wish to proceed.

    If the guy wants to stay (or has to stay for some reason), then I can ask a follow on question like, "Would you like to grab a bite to eat or go hiking (or whatever) sometime?" An exchange of phone numbers and other contact information can then happen and I have the green light to make contact. The guy can certainly give me fake contact information if he's a coward. That's happened and it's fine with me. It's all part of the dance.

    So, that's how I handle it. I'm usually flattered when guys want to go home with me. I'm cool with it and don't take offense, even if it's a guy who does absolutely nothing for me...except if he's a creep. Then, "Click, dial tone, good-bye. Yes, on your merry way!"

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan

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    May 11, 2010 3:51 AM GMT
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    May 11, 2010 4:52 AM GMT
    bigeasydude said
    sydney_cider saidMe: So that was a nice chat, what did you want to do now?


    Well, DUH! You led him on with THAT question! You might as well have said, "Well, we've certainly had a lively discussion and I wish to bring it to a close. However, I am not finished with your company so what say you, we should do from here thereon? I shall do so at your bidding."

    Him: "I want sex."

    You: "My, that certainly is a flattering offer but I certainly did not anticipate that fresh response. I tell you what. I wish to take back my offer and say that we should call it a night. Thank you for your pleasant albeit awkward company. Toodle-loo!"

    Just be forthright and polite. Say, "That was a nice chat." Look at your watch and say, "Oops. Look at the time. I would love to chat with you again, say over coffee tomorrow at Starbucks?" You're letting him know that you want to remain on friendly terms with him by sticking to pleasant conversations in public places. He can get the hint.


    So final assumption should be anything that finishes "What would you like to do now?" instantly segue-ways into sex. Great. I'll remember that for future reference.

    Good to know the world runs on sex before friendship.


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    May 11, 2010 5:24 AM GMT
    If he wants the honor and company of your freindship then put him in his place and tell him you are interested in something other than sex.

    If he wants nothing to do with you after that, then he was using you and playing games.

    Stand your ground and offer him more than just a roll in the hay.

    Especially since he is older. It doesn't mean he knows everything.

    Speak up. Often you will be admired and appreciated when you do. Otherwise you are just a sexual object no matter how smart or good you are.

    You can't blame him for having the hots for you....in fact it's flattering. But since you don't want that it's up to you to shift the focus onto something else. Personally, I've dealt with this situation constantly.

    Never have sex with anyone for their their acceptace or condition of friendship. You have more to offer than that nonsense. You have a right as a human being to be appreciated for something other than your body, dick or face even if you are both gay.
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    May 11, 2010 5:30 AM GMT
    C'mon, don't play dumb.

    Apparently, you both enjoyed each other's company immensely. At one point, you decided to end the conversation but still you wanted more of him by GIVING him the option (implication) to choose whatever he wants to do with you. Well, HELLO! How the hell do you think he would answer?!

    If you said to me, "Well, that was a nice conversation. What would you like to do?", I'd cock my eyebrow and think, "Is this little slut coming on to me?"

    So vague, so easily misconstrued and yet inviting.

    Next time, be clear and make your intentions known. "Well, we certainly had a great conversation. Perhaps we can talk more over coffee another day. I do have to run and meet "Bradley" but it certainly was a pleasure meeting you."

    You leave no hint that there will ever be any sex between the two of you but I seriously doubt that you needed me to spell all that out for you.

    Duh. icon_rolleyes.gif


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    May 11, 2010 6:18 AM GMT
    next time someone suggests you stay in touch and become friends just tell him " nah, i'm really just looking for sex " and cards will be laid on the table right there and then .
    easy.