Closeted married men

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2010 11:11 PM GMT
    I've always been under the impression that for every openly gay man in the western world there is at least two closeted gay men whom are married to women, or at least bisexual married men, even today.

    My friend's uncle came out last year just after divorcing his wife of ten years and a "relative" of mine has recently told me he was bisexual and his wife knows, but doesnt act on it.

    So I was just wondering if some of the more experienced members on here could enlighten me on there own estimates from there own previous lovers that were or are married to women and just sleep with guys on the side.

    .

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    May 11, 2010 11:22 PM GMT
    All but one of the guys I've dated had been married before coming out.
    In fact, I'd be willing to bet that over 50% of all married men have some homosexual tendencies, regardless of whether or not they act on it. I mean, just look at all the hot guys on this site. What that many hot guys around, who the fuck could be completely straight? icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 11, 2010 11:32 PM GMT
    I think the 1 to 2, sounds about right; more dependent on location. A local search of my area would make it more like 1 to 10.
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    May 11, 2010 11:56 PM GMT
    id have to agree with the fifty percent figure..

    Dustin Im originally from a small town in Texas..pop. 268. trust me the numbers are higher than you might guess. especially when your out camping and or hunting and the beer comes out.

    " Im not gay just keeping in practice for my GF" " you mean your legs are in the air when your doing it with your girlfriend.. kinky man really kinky" LOL.

    LOL I bartended at a gay bar in Houston for a while, and lived in a small town outside. and I ran into customers on a daily basis in my town and those close by. all with their wives and girlfriends.

    id get this " dont speak, please dont speak " look when I would see them. I never outed them. Id say about half my customers were married men or bisexual men in the closet.
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    May 12, 2010 12:04 AM GMT
    i think it's very easy to start to think everyone is gay. sure, there are some men who are married and probably shouldn't be...but then there are some men who are married to one woman and probably should be married to 5 or 6...

    to me, if the situation becomes dysfunctional, THEN you need to get the divorce. otherwise, if you like living in the shadow or "dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight," then by all means...

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    May 12, 2010 12:11 AM GMT
    outdoorsbiguy saidid have to agree with the fifty percent figure..

    Dustin Im originally from a small town in Texas..pop. 268. trust me the numbers are higher than you might guess. especially when your out camping and or hunting and the beer comes out.

    " Im not gay just keeping in practice for my GF" " you mean your legs are in the air when your doing it with your girlfriend.. kinky man really kinky" LOL.

    LOL I bartended at a gay bar in Houston for a while, and lived in a small town outside. and I ran into customers on a daily basis in my town and those close by. all with their wives and girlfriends.

    id get this " dont speak, please dont speak " look when I would see them. I never outed them. Id say about half my customers were married men or bisexual men in the closet.


    I know the numbers are higher here. The reason I don’t list my city in my profile is because of the number of them.

    I certainly wouldn’t be able to tolerate it as you have; I’d want to out them all.
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    May 12, 2010 12:44 AM GMT
    Dustin..

    I have to say I dont approve of what they do. but Im not going to ruin some ones life either.. sooner or later, what goes around comes around. Maybe thats wrong of me. but thats just how I am.

    you folks have a good one.
  • JayDT

    Posts: 390

    May 12, 2010 1:07 AM GMT
    When I was in college this good looking slightly older guy asked me out, offered to buy me dinner go back to his place watch a movie. He said it was a first date no sex blah blah blah. After dinner back at his place he admits he's married. He works in one city but his family live elsewhere and he spends his weekends with them. Then he took off his pants. I'm a man, I wanted it. But I also didn't approve of what he was doing. So I left BIG FAT BLACK HICKEYS all over his thighs. In places that it was obvious he'd been getting a bj. The next weekend I was at the video store and there he was, holding a womans hand and a little girls hand. I walked right up planted a kiss right on him and asked if those hickeys had cleared up yet. Then introduced myself to wifey. Neither said a word but she looked like she was ready to drop dead of a heart attack. Clearly she'd seen the marks and clearly he'd told her he messed around with someone else. He obviously hadn't mentioned the part about me being a man. I know to this day he probably hates me, and maybe she does too. But better she find out direct from me, than after he's fucked lord knows who and given her an std.
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    May 12, 2010 1:14 AM GMT
    Freud said that we are all born bisexual. I think that its pretty true.
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    May 12, 2010 1:15 AM GMT
    JayDT saidWhen I was in college this good looking slightly older guy asked me out, offered to buy me dinner go back to his place watch a movie. He said it was a first date no sex blah blah blah. After dinner back at his place he admits he's married. He works in one city but his family live elsewhere and he spends his weekends with them. Then he took off his pants. I'm a man, I wanted it. But I also didn't approve of what he was doing. So I left BIG FAT BLACK HICKEYS all over his thighs. In places that it was obvious he'd been getting a bj. The next weekend I was at the video store and there he was, holding a womans hand and a little girls hand. I walked right up planted a kiss right on him and asked if those hickeys had cleared up yet. Then introduced myself to wifey. Neither said a word but she looked like she was ready to drop dead of a heart attack. Clearly she'd seen the marks and clearly he'd told her he messed around with someone else. He obviously hadn't mentioned the part about me being a man. I know to this day he probably hates me, and maybe she does too. But better she find out direct from me, than after he's fucked lord knows who and given her an std.


    You didn't approve of what he was doing so rather than to leave and not be a part of it, you went along with it and then you outed him in such a cruel manner? This logic escapes me.
  • JayDT

    Posts: 390

    May 12, 2010 1:35 AM GMT
    BigDude6ft6 said
    JayDT said


    You didn't approve of what he was doing so rather than to leave and not be a part of it, you went along with it and then you outed him in such a cruel manner? This logic escapes me.


    I'm not saying it was right, nor am I saying I am ashamed. Clearly not I just shared it with the world. But did I potentially stop a cheater from cheating on his wife or maybe help the wife to realize what kind of man she was married to? I hope so. My dad cheated on my mom left and right with all sorts of women including the house maid from Sri Lanka and his secretary who he's currently married to. If anyone would have at least had the balls to say something rather than my mom discovering because he gave her chlamydia, it would have been easier on her. Instead my mom spent 26 years married to a liar and 8 years after that in and out of mental hospitals for depression with 4 botched suicide attempts. She's fine and healthy and sane now. But she does say that if someone had just told her years before and she hadn't speant 26 years married to a man who didn't love her, she might have had a chance at finding real love. Hopefully the wife of that guy got out of that marriage and found a man that was straight and faithful. Or that they had a completely honest talk and figured out a way to make it work so that they could both be happy.
  • Lozzano

    Posts: 526

    May 12, 2010 1:36 AM GMT
    JayDT saidWhen I was in college this good looking slightly older guy asked me out, offered to buy me dinner go back to his place watch a movie. He said it was a first date no sex blah blah blah. After dinner back at his place he admits he's married. He works in one city but his family live elsewhere and he spends his weekends with them. Then he took off his pants. I'm a man, I wanted it. But I also didn't approve of what he was doing. So I left BIG FAT BLACK HICKEYS all over his thighs. In places that it was obvious he'd been getting a bj. The next weekend I was at the video store and there he was, holding a womans hand and a little girls hand. I walked right up planted a kiss right on him and asked if those hickeys had cleared up yet. Then introduced myself to wifey. Neither said a word but she looked like she was ready to drop dead of a heart attack. Clearly she'd seen the marks and clearly he'd told her he messed around with someone else. He obviously hadn't mentioned the part about me being a man. I know to this day he probably hates me, and maybe she does too. But better she find out direct from me, than after he's fucked lord knows who and given her an std.


    I'm speechless... I can understand if you approve or not fucking a married man, but I cant understand where did you find your right to do that in front of his wife.

    Anyway, I don't want to judge you. In any case, I admire your courage.
  • JayDT

    Posts: 390

    May 12, 2010 1:40 AM GMT
    Lozzano said
    JayDT said


    I'm speechless... I can understand if you approve or not fucking a married man, but I cant understand where did you find your right to do that in front of his wife.

    Anyway, I don't want to judge you. In any case, I admire your courage.


    Thank you, I was just trying to stop a cheater. It wasn't mature or thought out or even planned. It wasn't my right to do that, not at all. But it was her right to know what kind of man she was married to and since I had first hand knowledge of his actions, I was qualified to inform her.
  • Lozzano

    Posts: 526

    May 12, 2010 1:47 AM GMT
    JayDT said
    Lozzano said
    JayDT said


    I'm speechless... I can understand if you approve or not fucking a married man, but I cant understand where did you find your right to do that in front of his wife.

    Anyway, I don't want to judge you. In any case, I admire your courage.


    Thank you, I was just trying to stop a cheater. It wasn't mature or thought out or even planned. It wasn't my right to do that, not at all. But it was her right to know what kind of man she was married to and since I had first hand knowledge of his actions, I was qualified to inform her.


    I read your story, I'm so sorry about your mom, Nice to know that she is ok now... It's hard to be sure and clear to do some actions... I mean, if I do not agree going out with a married men, I prefer to say no, rather than do those sort of things... Think that maybe that women -or maybe the girl- could be now suffering depression or something... I guess was hard to perform the action you did, but in any case I'm sure you did it thinking it was the best you could do.

    And let me say it again: Your courage its admirable.
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    May 12, 2010 1:49 AM GMT
    Jay


    What you did is worse that what he was doing, in my opinion. IF you thought what he was doing wrong you should have left. He didn't need you to play his std gaurdian angel role.

    I'll keep my entire opinion of how you handled it to myself.........
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    May 12, 2010 2:04 AM GMT
    I won't honor what you did with additional comments other than to say that I don't think it was a courageous thing to do. But it's done.

    Nevertheless, you can see in my profile that I was married for many years, have grown kids and yet found myself sexually attracted to other men. Over time I cheated on my wife by having sex with other men, and I'm not proud of that. I didn't handle it very well.

    Nevertheless, this is what I concluded from that time.

    1. A LOT of married men are curious about gay sex. One of them -- a very close pal -- said to me he was envious of the amount of sex he assumed I was getting. His assumption was accurate.

    2. A LOT of married men are cheating with other men on the side. On the DL.

    3. I learned a lot about sex, and some of the fun stuff I brought home to my marital bed I learned with other men. A lot of it brought pleasure to my wife, so in a funny way, I'm grateful to the men I spent time with for showing me a lot I might not have seen otherwise.

    Luckily, I never brought an STD home to my former wife.
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    May 12, 2010 2:09 AM GMT
    JayDT saidWhen I was in college this good looking slightly older guy asked me out, offered to buy me dinner go back to his place watch a movie. He said it was a first date no sex blah blah blah. After dinner back at his place he admits he's married. He works in one city but his family live elsewhere and he spends his weekends with them. Then he took off his pants. I'm a man, I wanted it. But I also didn't approve of what he was doing. So I left BIG FAT BLACK HICKEYS all over his thighs. In places that it was obvious he'd been getting a bj. The next weekend I was at the video store and there he was, holding a womans hand and a little girls hand. I walked right up planted a kiss right on him and asked if those hickeys had cleared up yet. Then introduced myself to wifey. Neither said a word but she looked like she was ready to drop dead of a heart attack. Clearly she'd seen the marks and clearly he'd told her he messed around with someone else. He obviously hadn't mentioned the part about me being a man. I know to this day he probably hates me, and maybe she does too. But better she find out direct from me, than after he's fucked lord knows who and given her an std.

    You're disgusting. What a colossal prick you are.
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    May 12, 2010 2:43 AM GMT
    Caslon14000 said
    JayDT saidWhen I was in college this good looking slightly older guy asked me out, offered to buy me dinner go back to his place watch a movie. He said it was a first date no sex blah blah blah. After dinner back at his place he admits he's married. He works in one city but his family live elsewhere and he spends his weekends with them. Then he took off his pants. I'm a man, I wanted it. But I also didn't approve of what he was doing. So I left BIG FAT BLACK HICKEYS all over his thighs. In places that it was obvious he'd been getting a bj. The next weekend I was at the video store and there he was, holding a womans hand and a little girls hand. I walked right up planted a kiss right on him and asked if those hickeys had cleared up yet. Then introduced myself to wifey. Neither said a word but she looked like she was ready to drop dead of a heart attack. Clearly she'd seen the marks and clearly he'd told her he messed around with someone else. He obviously hadn't mentioned the part about me being a man. I know to this day he probably hates me, and maybe she does too. But better she find out direct from me, than after he's fucked lord knows who and given her an std.

    You're disgusting. What a colossal prick you are.


    caslon you really need to stop beating around the bush.
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    May 12, 2010 5:19 AM GMT
    JayDT saidWhen I was in college this good looking slightly older guy asked me out, offered to buy me dinner go back to his place watch a movie. He said it was a first date no sex blah blah blah. After dinner back at his place he admits he's married. He works in one city but his family live elsewhere and he spends his weekends with them. Then he took off his pants. I'm a man, I wanted it. But I also didn't approve of what he was doing. So I left BIG FAT BLACK HICKEYS all over his thighs. In places that it was obvious he'd been getting a bj. The next weekend I was at the video store and there he was, holding a womans hand and a little girls hand. I walked right up planted a kiss right on him and asked if those hickeys had cleared up yet. Then introduced myself to wifey. Neither said a word but she looked like she was ready to drop dead of a heart attack. Clearly she'd seen the marks and clearly he'd told her he messed around with someone else. He obviously hadn't mentioned the part about me being a man. I know to this day he probably hates me, and maybe she does too. But better she find out direct from me, than after he's fucked lord knows who and given her an std.


    Well aren't you the paragon of virtue to KNOWINGLY have sexual relations with a MARRIED man and then play the part of JUDGE, JURY and EXECUTIONER in front of his wife, out in public.....What he did was wrong and was his own business, what you did was self-serving, vindictive and reprehensible and served no purpose other than spite.....Wow ...hope your current friends are aware of your history so they can keep themselves safe from your moral interpretations... DAMN!...That was COLD! icon_eek.gif
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    May 12, 2010 8:17 AM GMT
    Hey guys thanks for the responses, really interesting views and stories, just like to say for notice: NO JUDGEMENT PLEASE.

    I tried to write this thread as matter of fact and unbiased.

    I don't see married men or formerly married men as the bad guys, they are society's victims, and negative past experiences of other members shouldn't be scrutinized, we all make mistakes.
  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    May 12, 2010 10:48 AM GMT
    Living in Italy where homosexuality is very much frowned upon (despite the ridiculous looking straight guys that walk around looking like the queeniest fashionistas!) - so many gay people here are married, and in the younger generations many have girlfriends and are engaged. It is very sad.
    I have come across many men who are married and personally it makes me very uncomfortable, and I feel bad for them. I'm not passing judgment, but I feel bad that both the man and the woman will never be able to have the relationship they want. My poor roommate from Pakistan was gay and he thought he'd be much more accepted in Italy, he thought it was a very free thinking country but unfortunately he got a bit of a shock. This is going a bit off topic I realize, but I think the more a society tries to repress homosexuality, which so often pressures people into marriage, so many people get hurt, and the more secret and hidden your sexual desires become, the more risky and extreme sexual encounters become. If everyone talks about it more in the open, it will take some of the sting and the fear out of society's pressures that still exist.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 12, 2010 11:18 AM GMT
    One of my Ex's worked as a massage therapist
    and he was CONSTANTLY having married men come to him
    for a massage and ask for more than just a massage

    He'd always refuse
    because that's an immediate way to lose your license
    but they'd always tell him that they were gay or bi and need some kind of outlet
    sad if you ask me
  • beaujangle

    Posts: 1701

    May 12, 2010 11:27 AM GMT
    i have met quite a few married men, some stay married, some (older ones) are planning for divorce.

    I was told that some of them don't want to be gay (yes, sometimes it's a choice), and wish to be 'normal' as in to live a normal married life with children. I guess they have their outlets, like mentioned on this thread eg going for massages, etc.
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    May 12, 2010 12:20 PM GMT
    Look, I don't know how true this assumption is, but I do know that gay men seriously piss me off with their insistence that there are so many guys in the closet (usually the good looking ones), that loads of straight guys have gay tendencies (usually the good looking ones), and that there are oh so many closeted gay movie stars (ALWAYS the good looking ones).

    How many of us, for example, would insist, or even care if someone minging like Stephen Fry (who I very much admire, by the way) was gay, if he wasn't out of the closet?

    It's a bit pathetic lads, really.

    Teenage fantasy syndrome, and I admit I'm guilty of it myself when oggling guys in the gym. Sad nonetheless.

    How many of you genuinely have "latent" heterosexual tendencies? Eh? Thought not. And I'm not talking about getting all excited and swoony over Lady GaGa/Madonna/Barbra Streisand (depending upon your age). OK so noone would get swoony over Streisand, but I digress.

    Maybe it's different in the US, but over here, only in very specific circumstances (usually related to ethnicity and non-British heritage/cultural values) would a guy feel the need to stay closeted.


    Oooooh, he's gay you know, he keeps it secret to protect his career but I know someone who knows someone who blah, blah, blah ...

    stephen-fry.jpg
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    May 12, 2010 1:07 PM GMT
    Brit_Bloke said OK so noone would get swoony over Streisand, but I digress.


    it depends...is babs singing or talking?

    btw, excellent post. i love your take on hetero tendencies...

    being gay, turns out, is not entirely about sex. it has to do with the desire to share intimacy with a same-sex partner and just who you feel comfortable with. sure looks figure into it (damn genes), but ultimately we are mindful creatures and sex accounts for a small amount of who and what we are.

    so, some "gay" men are married. i guess it depends on what you mean by "gay."