So he's gained some weight....

  • Cndpup

    Posts: 30

    May 12, 2010 1:27 AM GMT
    Say your significant other gained some weight...not to much of a biggie right? So what happens if they gain enough weight that you find your attraction to them dwindling? Would you stay with this person based on love alone and try to encourage them to get back to a weight you found more attractive? Is this concept selfish?

    I'm in this situation and my bf feels I'm pushing him to hard and I really don't think I'm asking for much but he thinks otherwise...

    there is definately a change in physical attraction towards him on my part and I feel that -if- he chooses to loose the weight it won't be for a long long time...

    any suggestions on how to motivate him without hurting his feelings? It's very hard to get in the mood with him due to the physical changes...I love the guy so much but yeah...dunno what I can do to help fix things!
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    May 12, 2010 1:31 AM GMT
    This has happened to me before. When it comes down to it, he has to want to change. And, if he's happy just the way he is...then he's happy just the way he is. You will than have to make the choice as to whether or not you can continue the relationship, or if the relationship needs to be renegotiated along particular dimensions.

    I suggest involving a third-party therapist or counselor to help both of you work through this challenge.

    Best wishes!

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan
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    May 12, 2010 1:47 AM GMT
    How much weight are we talking here? Tomorrow he could get a haircut that's a complete turn-off. He could have a stoke that paralyzes one side of his body. Would the relationship be over then?

    -Doug
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    May 12, 2010 1:54 AM GMT
    It's selfish to get out of shape knowing your partner was originally attracted to you for being in shape.
    This is a situation that requires brutal honesty on both ends: You need to tell him what your feelings are; and he needs to tell you why he let his body go.
    I won't speculate on either, but I have experienced this in a relationship. The relationship ended shortly after that because I simply could not be sexual with him anymore, and I opted to leave rather than cheat.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 12, 2010 2:11 AM GMT
    What you can do is make healthy living and exercise part of BOTH of your lives
    and yes

    If this guy gains the weight and you find him unattractive you have every right to leave him
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    May 12, 2010 2:12 AM GMT
    From another of your posts, you mention that he has been through some challenges and may be using food like a drug. Addiction to anything is simply an avoidance of facing some kind of internal issue that is causing pain, by "fixing" with something that "feels good".

    Have you considered going to an Overeater's Anonymous meeting either by yourself or with him? www.oa.org

    The reason why I say "by yourself" is because if he is not ready to go, the you might need to go and find out what it's about so that you can be a supportive partner. Twelve step programs can be quite effective and anybody addict or not can benefit from the principles learned in the rooms.

    Sadly, a person who is not willing or open minded about changing an active addictive habit will tend to choose the "drug" over anything or anybody else. If he will not change, he will not change.

    Whatever you do, make sure you keep letting your guy know you love him. If you have genuine concerns about his health, then let him know...but don't nag. It will get neither of you anywhere.

    Keep trying. Both of you will either come through this together and stronger, or you'll know when you've had enough.

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan

    P.S. And yes, I've been in a relationship with an "addict" before.


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    May 18, 2010 8:47 PM GMT
    Wow. You are a harsh crowd. I have gained more than 50 pounds since first meeting my boyfriend 8+ years ago. I was a little underweight at the time, but due to a range of stresses, and getting older I got a bit fat. I then lost 30 of it and kept it off for about a year and a half. Then again stress and gained it back. Since January, I've nearly lost the 30 pounds again.

    Admittedly, being overweight messed with my head and, though my boyfriend didn't find me unattractive, I did.

    Frankly, I think meninlove said it best when they asked if you would leave your lover over a stroke, or a disease, or if he were in an accident. This idea that someone gains weight - which most of the under 40 guys on this site will in the next decade or so - you leave them is despicable.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    May 18, 2010 8:55 PM GMT
    His health should be the most important thing, not his appearance. People's appearances change as they years go by. If your attraction is dwindling, then you probably weren't very attracted to him as a person to begin with.
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    May 18, 2010 8:56 PM GMT
    I had a similar problem where my ex started gaining weight too. I felt that it wasn't fair to me that I was staying in shape for him but he wasn't giving me the same courtesy. Your weight is something you can control, so I feel a relationship can end because of it. Im not only attracted to man who is shape because he looks great, but it also shows that he isn't lazy and cares about his appearance. I think one of the most unattractive things in a guy is one who lets himself go especially when he is in a relationship.
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    May 18, 2010 8:58 PM GMT
    make his fatass loose the weight icon_smile.gif, easy as that
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    May 18, 2010 9:00 PM GMT
    meninlove said How much weight are we talking here? Tomorrow he could get a haircut that's a complete turn-off. He could have a stoke that paralyzes one side of his body. Would the relationship be over then?

    -Doug

    I think these are bad comparisons. A bad haircut lasts a short amount of time and a stroke is a medical condition that can't be helped. I agree with others that if he gains weight to the point where you're not attracted to him anymore, especially if it's a danger to his health, and you talk to him and tell him your concerns, it's a legitimate reason to cut off the relationship.

    A better comparison would be if you were with someone for a long time and they suddenly changed and developed a bad attitude, should you be expected to stay with them?
  • HankFit247

    Posts: 205

    May 18, 2010 9:10 PM GMT
    WOW, I’m amazed as some of the responses. I think GAMRican hit it on the head. “From another of your posts, you mention that he has been through some challenges and may be using food like a drug. Addiction to anything is simply an avoidance of facing some kind of internal issue that is causing pain, by "fixing" with something that "feels good".”

    Professional Help is needed to identify and address the underlying issue.

    In the mean time, Try a gentle nudge, like starting to cook more LEAN or LEANER.

    Slowly remove the trash foods, replacing them with healthier choices.

    In the end it is his decision, and quite truthfully, this could be his way of saying I’m over you.

    Good Luck,
    Peace.
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    May 18, 2010 9:18 PM GMT
    Christian73 saidWow. You are a harsh crowd. I have gained more than 50 pounds since first meeting my boyfriend 8+ years ago. I was a little underweight at the time, but due to a range of stresses, and getting older I got a bit fat. I then lost 30 of it and kept it off for about a year and a half. Then again stress and gained it back. Since January, I've nearly lost the 30 pounds again.

    Admittedly, being overweight messed with my head and, though my boyfriend didn't find me unattractive, I did.

    Frankly, I think meninlove said it best when they asked if you would leave your lover over a stroke, or a disease, or if he were in an accident. This idea that someone gains weight - which most of the under 40 guys on this site will in the next decade or so - you leave them is despicable.



    Question: why is stress your queue to overeat? Can't you direct stress out of yourself in other ways other than gluttony?

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    May 18, 2010 9:21 PM GMT
    Dump the zero and get with the hero. icon_wink.gif
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    May 18, 2010 9:36 PM GMT
    bluey2223 said
    Christian73 saidWow. You are a harsh crowd. I have gained more than 50 pounds since first meeting my boyfriend 8+ years ago. I was a little underweight at the time, but due to a range of stresses, and getting older I got a bit fat. I then lost 30 of it and kept it off for about a year and a half. Then again stress and gained it back. Since January, I've nearly lost the 30 pounds again.

    Admittedly, being overweight messed with my head and, though my boyfriend didn't find me unattractive, I did.

    Frankly, I think meninlove said it best when they asked if you would leave your lover over a stroke, or a disease, or if he were in an accident. This idea that someone gains weight - which most of the under 40 guys on this site will in the next decade or so - you leave them is despicable.



    Question: why is stress your queue to overeat? Can't you direct stress out of yourself in other ways other than gluttony?



    Stress eating is usually subconscious and is triggered by feelings of a lack of control in ones life or simply as a means of feeling good. Food taste good and makes us feel good, some people use drugs others use food.

    In other words, you really shouldn't be so quick to judge.
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    May 18, 2010 9:39 PM GMT
    Well, you're not married to him.

    I guess I wonder what people would say to you if you were legally wed though. If someone is your "partner" I think dumping him because he's too fat is shallow.
  • BeingThePhoen...

    Posts: 1157

    May 18, 2010 9:52 PM GMT
    Hubby and I have been together for 10 years. when we got together, we were both much slimmer. I was 130lbs and he was 230lbs. Neither of us was very health consious at the time and we both smoked at the time.

    Now, I am 180lbs and he is like close to 300lbs. While I intentionally bulked up, his was not so intentional. Since we got together, I have quit smoking and started working out (though not as regularly as I want to). He, on the other hand, has does not want to start smoking and due to some heart related health problems is unable to work out.

    He doesn't have the body I fell in love with, but he is the same person I fell in love with. I would like for him to be more health consious, but I can't begrudge him for not wanting to. All people change over time. Sometimes those changes alter your feelings toward you lover and sometimes they don't.

    Of course, that doesn't mean I can't spy my fill of eye candy...lol. icon_cool.gif
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    May 18, 2010 9:57 PM GMT
    If you find yourself no longer attracted to your significant other because he gained some weight, do him a huge favor. Move on and let him find someone who is not so superficial.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    May 18, 2010 9:59 PM GMT
    I do believe that meeting a partner's sexual needs is part of a healthy relationship and, hence, an obligation of each partner. If body type plays into sexual attraction then it's perfectly reasonable to ask the person to (for example) lose weight [taking into account their own needs of course].
    If the person stopped having sex with you it would be reasonable to tell them that you need more regular sex. I don't think the issue is fundamentally different. For some people body type is "sacrosanct", but if it's something you can willfully control then it's ultimately a choice your partner is making...

    Disease and injury are generally not choices someone makes (there are exceptions) so the analogy a couple posters made between those changes and letting one's health slide is poor.

    One other factor: This may not be an issue for you (it is for me), but athleticism, the desire and will to push your body and be healthy is a big part of the attraction for me (much more important than body aesthetics actually). Both because I respect it and because it's something I want to share; I "give blood" to my endeavors and I want someone who can relate to that (and someone who can keep up, frankly).
    If the person is out of shape it is almost certainly not just a physical change. It's a psychological change and that matters too...


    I'd be supportive in this sort of situation (taking up a shared sport like rockclimbing or biking is a good option) and recognize that this is a difficult issue for a lot of people. But if my partner wouldn't work with me on the issue I would ultimately consider leaving (specifics and 'level' of the relationship being taken into account) just as I would if their personality changed for the worse or they began neglecting my needs in other ways--I think that's justified.
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    May 18, 2010 10:10 PM GMT
    WOW... SO many arseholes so little time!!!!

    Let me make a broad statement, this is directed at the men who say they'd leave..




    Your a bunch of shallow self serving arrogant pricks who are better off dating each other then any of the good people out there who actually feel LOVE for a partner... You'd leave cause he gained weight... *snorts* ya pathetic!

    If he was my partner as I did with my last, I'd encourage him endlessly to lose weight, I'd help him make the right decisions, I'd encourage the weight loss and as he was losing weight I'd make the whole thing an enjoyable experience as possible.. he is my partner, despite the weight I'd still love him and be inlove with him since I have taken him as my partner it's my responsibility as well as his to find out why and what the cause of all of these things are and help him reduce or remove the reasons..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 18, 2010 10:14 PM GMT
    Liltanker, wish there were more people like you around.
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    May 18, 2010 10:17 PM GMT
    Christian73 saidWow. You are a harsh crowd.

    Frankly, I think meninlove said it best when they asked if you would leave your lover over a stroke, or a disease, or if he were in an accident. This idea that someone gains weight - which most of the under 40 guys on this site will in the next decade or so - you leave them is despicable.


    Absolutely right. Fitness and health are important, but if you love someone you love them unconditionally.... fat, thin, or otherwise. The gay world is notoriously superficial - and the whole thing about just wanting to be "healthy" is a crap excuse/defense 90 percent of the time - because you can be healthy and you might not have a ton or muscles or whatever.

    This isnt just a gay man issue though. Its a man issue. GQJock said that you have every right to leave a guy if he gets fat and you become unattracted to him. And he's right - but I could also choose to dump a significant other for all sort of (stupid) reasons:

    Like.... because he wears clothes I think are ugly.

    Or because he's left handed.

    Or because he drives a Honda and not a Mercedes (Why doesnt he work harder to get a Mercedes!?!?!)

    This is indeed a lifestyle choice that he COULD change. But if you've been someone for a long time and you love them, you truly love them, you aren't gonna leave because they got fat.

    If you do, then.... its a sad world...
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    May 18, 2010 10:17 PM GMT
    viveutvivas saidLiltanker, wish there were more people like you around.


    AMEN to that! Well said Liltanker!
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    May 18, 2010 10:19 PM GMT
    I don't know that it's so much about the weight but the self-destructiveness of fat asses that are the huge turn off.
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    May 18, 2010 10:22 PM GMT
    catfish5 saidIf you find yourself no longer attracted to your significant other because he gained some weight, do him a huge favor. Move on and let him find someone who is not so superficial.


    Harsh, but kind of what I was thinking.

    If you love somebody, you should love them no matter what they look like. I love my man and if he gained some weight I would just be happy that there would be more for me to love! I'm attracted to him as a person, not as an object or just his body. Of course, I would try to keep him active and healthy, but the main reason would be for his health and to keep him with me as long as possible!

    The fact that you would think about leaving somebody because of their physical appearance says a lot about your character, and maybe you need to think about the things you are placing value on in your relationship.