Abusive Gay Relationships

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    May 12, 2010 6:53 PM GMT

    I just joined this great site although I have lurked here for a few weeks as an outside observer and after reading some awesome forum posts I'm hoping for some helpful advice from members here. I have been in a monogamous relationship for the last 21 years and as it progressed my partner has become more and more abusive to me both mentally and physically and I feel totally trapped and can't get out. I am beyond miserable at this point and as I live in a small community in the south with no gay support groups or anywhere to turn to for help I just need to vent a little here and ask for some help and advice. The abuse is more mental than physical but I have been hit and knocked around several times recently and the verbal abuse has really escalated in the last couple of years. Even though I am the main income provider (90% to 10%) I am unable on my small salary to save enough money to even move away. We live paycheck to paycheck so its tough. We have two cars but both are in my partners name and the least little thing I do that he thinks is wrong he threatens to take the car I use away from me. If he did that I couldn't get to work as public transportation here is non existent and taxis are cost prohibitive from where I live to where I work. I pay all the bills out of my checks except for car insurance which he pays. I could go on and on with much detail but I'd really like to just talk with someone who can help me find a way out. PLEASE someone talk to me and help me figure out how to work my way out of this.
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    May 12, 2010 7:10 PM GMT
    Kick his ass...hard...no mercy.
    Seriously. An assault charge is much less expensive and less trouble than trying to go through the court system to get rid of him. Plus, the court system is not setup to handle "domestic violence" of same sex couples. And a restraining order is a fucking joke...all that would do is make him liable for hurting you, but it won't stop him. Just kick his ass and be done.

    Yes I know that's easier said than done, but at least now it's been said.

    I was in an abusive relationship and WISH someone had given me that advice. It woulda saved me lots of money and trouble.
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    May 12, 2010 7:33 PM GMT
    first and foremost you need to remove yourself frm any hostile environment. You are obligated to live a fulfilled life sharing your greatness w/ those who value and respect you. You've committed yourself to a man for 21 yrs who has progressively become physically and emotionally aggressive. I don't know what your breaking point is, but I say leave now. I understand your rationalization (finances and wrk) but if you factor in homicide (worse case scenario) why gamble w/ those odds?

    P.s. Your handle is hopefulguy. Keep that spirit and move forward!
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    May 12, 2010 7:40 PM GMT
    It's not easy to get out of an abusive relationship. You aren't trapped and you can get out, no matter what you think. You have to get the mindset that you will be able to get out of the situation and start making your plans. There is always a way out.

    The main reason I started working out a lot in college is because I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. He was was stronger than me but I worked out every day and got to the point where I wasn't afraid of him and I could get him in a headlock (which I needed to do a couple of times). Once I could take him physically, I forced him to move out. I was scared for my life between the time when I told him to move and when he left, but I was proud of myself for standing up to him. I don't advocate violence, but I do advocate defending yourself.

    Find a really good therapist who has a sliding scale, get some allies, and start taking steps to get him out of your life. If you had cancer, wouldn't you take the necessary steps to stay alive, no matter what the cost? You have to take charge of your life int the same way and recognize that you have to do whatever it takes to be safe.

    I wish you the very best and I hope you are able to get this destructive man out of your life.
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    May 12, 2010 7:45 PM GMT
    I know it's easier said than done but you definitely should leave. At least take the steps necessary to prepare for leaving. Do you have anyone that you can go to help you temporarily get on your feet until you can live on your own?

    In any case, there's actually a good article on RealJock that discusses domestic abuse and the rights of the abused partner. That might be a good source for you to start.

    http://www.realjock.com/article/1635/
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    May 12, 2010 11:04 PM GMT
    Wake him up one night with his dick nestled between the blades of a pair of gardening sheers and say you’ve got two days to be out.
    I know easier said than done.
    I’ve always had a hard time rapping my mind around a partner being abusive and you’ve been together 21 years. Damn.
    I wish I lived closer so I could help.
    I moved in with my sister a few years ago when she was having problems with he now ex. I only had to kick his ass once.
    The only thing I can suggest is making a stop by our local sheriff department and try to find out what your options are. Sounds like you should be able to evict him, since you’re paying all the bills.

    super big HUG
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    May 12, 2010 11:23 PM GMT
    Seek out a local Domestic Abuse/Violence counseling center. They will be able to inform and guide you through the process of reclaiming your dignity and life.
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    May 12, 2010 11:47 PM GMT
    hopefulguy saidPLEASE someone talk to me and help me figure out how to work my way out of this.

    You have already made clear what you need to do. The question is how to accomplish it. Some here have mentioned counseling, but I suspect you are past that. What seems to be blocking you are the monetary and practical aspects of parting.

    Therefore, what you need is a domestic attorney. Find out if one is near you, who possibly offers a free initial consultation. Because this involves a gay couple in a rabidly homophobic Red Southern State, you might consult with Lambda Legal to locate a gay or gay-friendly legal office.

    The issues of the cars and other property may not be the obstacles you think they are. Don't let mere possessions compel you into directions you don't want to go. A smart attorney may show you ways to have your gay cake and eat it, too. So do get a legal consultation, to see what all your options are. And best of luck to you!

    http://www.lambdalegal.org/
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    May 13, 2010 3:02 PM GMT

    I wrote this as an email response to someone who emailed me, but thought I should post it generally as well so I could elaborate more on what I'm going through.
    Thanks so much for your input and I agree wholeheartedly with your and the others views as to what I should do. However, what I should and can do at the moment are two different things. If I may elaborate more on what is going on perhaps you can all understand even better my situation. My partner has very real anger issues not just with me, but with lots of things. Unless I could leave without him knowing, which would practically be impossible as he only has a part time job and his home all but 3 or 4 hours per day he would destroy everything that I own. He has threatened to break the tvs, computer, phones, dishes, etc. if I try to leave or even overly piss him off. Physically he is much bigger than I am..definitely stronger and to be honest I am scared of him. I did go once a few years ago to the police about his abuse, but they informed me they do not get involved in "homo" incidents unless I press charges after being physically attacked which I try my best to avoid things going that far. My partner should have been a lawyer as if I try to point things out differently than what his perspective is, he shuts me up immediately by physical threats and screaming that he is talking and I am not allowed to interrupt him. When he finishes his tirade I try and speak, but again, he threatens me and says he doesn't need to hear what I want to say as he's right and I'm wrong so it doesn't matter what I feel.
    Then this morning at work I learned my job is being discontinued within a month so now I am really at loose ends. I've always been an optimistic person but now I just don't know how much more I can take. I've never ever contemplated ending my life before, but I'm wondering now what is the point of going on? I have no money to speak of, no future, and my life is miserable. Most of the friends we have are blinded by him and they don't know what life and living with him is truly like.

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    May 13, 2010 3:19 PM GMT
    "Most of the friends we have are blinded by him and they don't know what life and living with him is truly like." I'm willing to bet that would change if they knew he'd struck you, or if they heard/saw a recording of him acting out.

    Leave. When this happened to me, it was also the last time it happened to me. If you're the breadwinner, those cars will do him no good without money to run them. Go stay with a friend or family. If he trashes the place what good will it do him?

    If he strikes you again go straight to ER or a doc and get examined so there's a record.

    -Doug

    suicide is NEVER the answer. That man isn't god, he's a flake.
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    May 13, 2010 3:23 PM GMT
    Get online
    Google GMHC ( Gay Mens Health Crisis) In NYC
    Call them. Email them. Contact them.
    Its not only for talking advice. They may be able to help you on other ways.

    Physical and mental abuse is complex. But you HAVE to reach out.

    The first thing is to stop blaming yourself.

    Good luck.
  • lozano86

    Posts: 293

    May 13, 2010 3:27 PM GMT
    Move back in with family or friends until you can get your own place. Your not trapped and you CAN get out. But this 21 years of attachment? Thats going to be hard and your going to have to step up and leave if you don't like anymore.
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    May 13, 2010 3:34 PM GMT
    Call this number: 1-800-832-1901 IMMEDIATELY. AS IN - RIGHT NOW!!!

    Check these pages:
    http://www.gmdvp.org/
    http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/lesbianhealth/a/DVResources.htm

    DO YOU HAVE ONE FRIEND/FAMILY MEMBER YOU TRUST? SEE IF YOU CAN STAY WITH THEM - BUT IN NO WAY TIP OFF YOUR PARTNER TO THEIR LOCATION. HE WILL FIND YOU IF YOU DO. JUST TAKE THE CAR AND LEAVE. STOP THINKING ABOUT MONEY, ETC. YOUR PERSONAL BELONGINGS DON'T MATTER NOW. YOU NEED TO LEAVE. LEAVE AS SOON AS YOU CAN. DO NOT LOOK BACK.

    The amount of time you've been with this person has no value. Look forward, not back.

    2. Talk to someone you trust.

    Tell a close friend or family member what is going on in your relationship. You can ask this person to help you make a safety plan or help you find services.

    3. Talk to a counselor.

    Try to find a counselor who has experience with domestic violence, and better yet, gay and lesbian issues.

    4. Make a Safety Plan.
    > Find a place you can go to if you need to leave quickly - a friend’s house, family member, hotel or domestic violence shelter.
    > Have an idea of how you will get out of the home (a window, fire escape, etc.)
    > Try to stash some money away that your partner cannot have access to. Open your own bank account or have a trusted friend hold some of your money.
    > Plan how you will get away. Drive? Bus? Taxi?
    > Have a bag ready with important documents, like your I.D., credit cards, insurance cards, medicine, bank info, passport, any legal documents, like restraining order and medical records.
    > Have a bag packed for your children as well. You may want to stash these with a trusted friend.
    > Arrange with a friend to have an "emergency phrase" that your partner will not recognize. For example, set in up in advance that if you ask, "How's your dog," that your friend will know to call the police.
    > Sometimes domestic violence shelters are full, so have a safe back up plan.
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    May 13, 2010 3:36 PM GMT
    As much as Id like to I'm nit going to tell you what to do. You're not really going to listen to anyone or do anything to better your situation untill you really want to. So instead let me tell you a story...
    Once there was a boy who moved to Ohio. He moved there because he had no where to go. Dropping out of college in Maryland, his father from over seas disowned him. The boy only had his friends that he moved to Ohio with.
    After living there for a few weeks and getting a job, his friends moved back to Maryland. He was left alone. He met a guy at the dock ( dance bar ) named mike. Mike was a muscle man and showed "boy" some attention during a pool tournament... They started to date after mike showed "boy" that he was wanted infront of the whole club, flirting and kissing. Soon they moved in together. "boy" thought he was in love. 6 months later at anither pool tournament "boy" was getting drinks for mike and himself.. When "boy" came back, mike was showing another guy the same attention he'd once shown "boy"... Not knowing what to expect or say "boy" asked "something wrong? Who's this? What aren't you telling me?". Mike yelled at "boy" and had the boy take him home. When "boy" was unlocking the door to his apartment that mike was living in.. 5 seconds after the door closed came the fists. One after another till the boy was knocked unconcious. When the boy woke up in the hospital he started to freak out. Not remembering what had happened he told the doctors he'd gotten drunk and fell down somestairs.. In his head the boy thought he did something wrong. When he saw mike he apologized. 1 month layer same scenario although mike waited this time for the boy to go to sleep. "boy" thought everything was fine after the love making before bed. Went to sleep. Woke up in the hospital a second time.. 9 chipped teeth, broken nose, two black eyes, concussion, two broken wrists and 4 bruised ribs.. When the boy woke up to the sound of his sisters voice.. Saying that "boy" should
    move to Seattle or else, the boy gave up. He tried to press charges however the cops at the time said there was no domestic violence for gays. When boy was discharges and finished with his medical and dental rehab.. He packed his stuff and moved with nothing less than his car and his clothes.

    If the boy would have stayed, he may very well have died...

    Just food for thought. There is a saying that I believe is true, once an abuser... Always an abuser. But do what you want. Only you can really make your decision. If you're scared to be alone, don't be. You'll be sad, alone. But you will have your soul and your freedom back. Be strong.
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    May 13, 2010 3:47 PM GMT
    res_ident saidCall this number: 1-800-832-1901 IMMEDIATELY. AS IN - RIGHT NOW!!!

    Check these pages:
    http://www.gmdvp.org/
    http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/lesbianhealth/a/DVResources.htm
    Thanks!
    I just added those to the Suicide and Violence Help Thread.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    May 13, 2010 4:08 PM GMT
    Coincidentally, this was published today out of Winston-Salem:

    http://www2.journalnow.com/content/2008/sep/17/getting-help-hard-gay-domestic-violence-victims/news/

    I'm in your neck of the woods. I'm trying to get in touch with a local gay couple that might have info for you, but it's difficult to get in touch with them this week because one of their fathers died this week. After reading your post, I was actually wondering if it was one of them posting this thread, but it's not.

    http://www.nccadv.org/
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    May 13, 2010 4:22 PM GMT
    You guys are wonderful. Thank you for your support of hopefulguy.

    And hopefulguy - you deserve a better life. Just look how many people are willing to help you or give advice and they haven't even met you. Start talking about it to people you trust. I always kept my abuse a secret because I was ashamed and felt like it was my fault. As I mentioned in my e-mail to you, I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by my family. I kept it a secret for years and thought it was my fault, but it wasn't. Therapy and friends helped me see that I can't change what happened in the past, but I can change the present and I don't need to subject myself to abuse from anyone. I pray that you can get out of your situation and start having a life of your own where you are treated with respect and dignity.
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    May 13, 2010 6:37 PM GMT
    Guys,

    Thanks so much for the advice and I am truly taking it to heart. I have one friend here that is MY friend much moreso than his and will be talking to them tonight about my situation and see if they can help me out. I have never told anyone else I know or work with of my situation although I suspect some of our friends may know that things are not right as most are aware of my partners temper and his flareups but have never witnessed his abuse of me except verbal snaps at times when they come over to watch videos or we play cards or something.. It may take me a few weeks to gather my resources (I just got a part time job on Saturdays that I can save some money from) and that will help as I need to get my own place. I would really like to leave this town I live in, but no place to go as my immediate family have all passed away (mom, dad, brother) but I will survive. I'll keep posting as time progresses and hopefully out of this situation sooner than later.
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    May 13, 2010 7:04 PM GMT
    By the time I got to the point where I realized that I was being abused, I'd be out of the relationship...But that's just me...