I'm In Tears -- Just Learned About My Birthday Present

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    May 12, 2010 10:26 PM GMT
    So we're in our car a little while ago, coming home from a successful meeting where a gay club owner agreed to host a fundraiser for our HIV/AIDS charity. And my partner tries to tell me about needing to set aside another date on our calendar. And I tersely tell him not now, tell me when we get home, and I'm at my computer, because I can't keep these things in my head while I'm driving.

    We get home, and he stands over my shoulder while I'm sitting here at the KB, and he starts giving me the event details. And it's on my birthday, an open bar reception with a large group of our friends, at another gay club (Geogie's Alibi, for those who know it). And I naively ask (aka major clueless) what the occasion is.

    "Your birthday," he replies.

    "WHAT??? This is for my BIRTHDAY? An open bar for that many people? At the Alibi???"

    Well, seems he's made all the arrangements, several hours of an open bar for a mob, that will cost thousands, with live entertainment, too, and no doubt there'll be a cake & presents. I don't how to react to such things. I HATE receiving gifts & attention, I really do.

    And the only reason he told me now, unlike the surprise party he threw for me last year when I turned 60, was because he was afraid I'd learn about it from the Alibi staff or our friends, too many people to keep a secret. Plus he knows I hate celebrating my birthday, and sometimes go off and hide out for the day all by myself.

    So what am I supposed to do? I dunno. I've got a great partner, and I've gotta play the birthday boy, which I can manage, I won't sulk or disappoint him. I'm just so conflicted.

    I suppose "go with the flow" is the thing here, and accept his love, but I HATE being the center of attention. Yet his love is so strong, so obvious, so insistent, what choice do I have?

    (BTW, for those who do their math, I will now be turning 61, though that's already what I've been calling myself. But for a number of years, as I've mentioned here before, I add a year on January 1st, to simply things for me. When you get this old, what's 6 months? Like Queen Elizabeth II, I have an official birthday, and a natural birthday. I figure what's good enough for the Queen of England is good enough for the Queen of Wilton Manors. LOL!)
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    May 12, 2010 10:34 PM GMT
    It looks to me that your partner wants to exalt you in front of others, maybe for showing him love and goodness, and he want everyone to know about it.
    You hate to receive positive attention?
    I'll swop my place for yours.
    Because I would REVEL in it!!!
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    May 12, 2010 11:08 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa said...So what am I supposed to do? I dunno. I've got a great partner, and I've gotta play the birthday boy, which I can manage, I won't sulk or disappoint him. I'm just so conflicted.

    I suppose "go with the flow" is the thing here, and accept his love, but I HATE being the center of attention. Yet his love is so strong, so obvious, so insistent, what choice do I have?
    ...


    Happy Birthday, RV! You deserve and have earned the honor of your partner and friends. Your gut is telling you the right thing. Go with the flow, enjoy the sight of all the ones whom you love sharing a good time, and know that you are the one who has brought them all together.

    Maybe that will help you get through the evening.

    Be grateful you're not doing this in Honolulu. You'd end up inside a ring of lei! And you would HAVE to wear them all night long!

    pict1796-1.JPG

    Yes, that's a person underneath that stack!


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    May 12, 2010 11:17 PM GMT
    Wow, way to set the bar high; your man rocks.
    Yes it seems that as we age birthday parties are more for the ones that love us then they are for us; a way for them to show how much they care.
    You are truly blessed—go with the flow.

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    May 12, 2010 11:20 PM GMT

    It's a bit early for me to say Happy B-day as well as have a drink on me when your bf purchased 1st 2nd and 3rd rounds! ENJOY!
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    May 12, 2010 11:22 PM GMT
    RED! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!...you lucky bastard! You have the love and care of a wonderful partner...sometimes the "GIFT" isn't in what you are getting, but allowing the other person to give......have a great time and then take your private time later to "recoup" from the spotlight......ENJOY and be grateful...I would kill to have a relationship like that......icon_cool.gif
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    May 13, 2010 1:14 AM GMT
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
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    May 13, 2010 1:23 AM GMT
    You guys are too kind!. My birthday is weeks away yet, I think 3, in early June. Same as Cole Porter actually, and missing Judy's by a day.

    I've always hated my birthday, rejected & ignored it, and now I've got a guy who insists on making some kind of big deal out of it. So I'm torn between not hurting his feelings, and going against what I really want.

    Well, your partner always comes first. As I believe he does with me. That's what makes a couple, and not just boyfriends. So sometimes you have to gracefully concede the point, and not make an unseemly fuss. It's always what suits the both of US, not ME.

    He's too good to me, more than I deserve. And now what the HELL am I gonna do for his birthday, which follows in July? Damn his hide, I'm gonna hafta match him, or better outdo him. Damn him! What a challenge!
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    May 13, 2010 2:14 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidDo like I did 50, don't even give it a thought till it's over. You'll be glad you did....icon_cool.gif

    Well, the difference is that this time I know it's coming, the when & where.

    Last year for my 60th I didn't. He told me he was going down to our condo clubhouse to help someone else with their own party, which wasn't on my own birthday, a few days difference. My suspicions weren't raised.

    And then he phoned me from there, saying they needed some orange juice, and to please bring a container from our frig. So OK, I grabbed it and went down.

    I walked in, and kinda saw a crowd from the corner of my eye, but tried not to look or stare, since it wasn't my party. I'm very strict with myself about not eavesdropping on things that don't concern me.

    And then everyone yelled the traditional "Happy Birthday!" and I was blown away. All our friends, a massive crowd. Afterwards everyone kept asking me didn't I suspect, but I honestly answered not a bit.

    I can be so stupid & clueless. I had seen my partner carting stuff down from our place, but he told me it was to help out with this other party, and I just accepted that. He does that a lot, so why would I think otherwise this time?

    I am the most fucking dense person on the planet! LOL! icon_redface.gif
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    May 13, 2010 2:37 AM GMT
    He's doing it because he loves you.

    I would go along and try to make the best of it.

    Then, about a month from now, sit him down and tell him that you appreciate all the work he went to in planning an elaborate birthday celebration for you, BUT, as you have said here, you don't want to be the center of attention, and you don't even want to celebrate your birthday. Let him know that you're serious. Tell him not to make any plans for your future birthdays.

    Then, next year, if he does it anyway, refuse to attend.
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    May 13, 2010 2:43 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidWell Red,, trust me,, I knew mine was coming too. I just didn't care when or where.
    Love,, there is so nothing we can do about ageing except go gracefully forward. Don't give it another thought! It's aging you by the minute! Go have yourself a nice stiff one and quit worrying about it. Really.. the day after, you'll wonder what all the fuss and worry was about. If it makes it any easier.. tell your man to not even bring it up till it's over and just find something else to think about. Remind yourself Red,, it really no different than going out to the club with a bunch of friends or over to someone else's party..
    It's just that.. A party. Don't dread it... Have fun with it!

    Well, all true. But the focus is gonna be ME. That's not the same as "someone else's party." I'm gonna hafta be in the spotlight, the center of attention, and I HATE that.

    I'm not shy about being in public, far from it, I thrive in public. But not when the focus is ME. I don't like the spotlight on me. I prefer to operate behind the scenes, to make things happen without acknowledgment, to simply get the job done for the pure pleasure of knowing what I did. Public praise does not interest me, in fact, it repels me.

    So that a big public birthday party is contrary to everything I believe. But, my partner has already planned it, so I must be gracious and grateful, regardless of what I may privately feel. It will be an interesting challenge for me.
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    May 13, 2010 2:52 AM GMT
    Mark Twain said this, " I do not make any pretense that I dislike compliments. The stronger the better, and I can manage to digest them. I think I have lost so much by not making a collection of compliments, to put them away and take them out again once in a while."

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    -us
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    May 13, 2010 3:10 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor said
    Webster666 saidHe's doing it because he loves you.

    I would go along and try to make the best of it.

    Then, about a month from now, sit him down and tell him that you appreciate all the work he went to in planning an elaborate birthday celebration for you, BUT, as you have said here, you don't want to be the center of attention, and you don't even want to celebrate your birthday. Let him know that you're serious. Tell him not to make any plans for your future birthdays.

    Then, next year, if he does it anyway, refuse to attend.

    You know Red.. I completely respect your wishes and I think Webster has laid out a really healthy plan for your future birthdays.. Surely your man will understand... Are you sure it's too late to skip this one? You did say June.. yes?

    No, because we've already been through this cycle, when he did my surprise party last year. And 2 years before, when I totally disappeared for the whole day, so he couldn't do anything. But he persists in doing these parties, which I've told him I don't like, and don't want.

    So what do I do? Hurt his feelings? Insult our friends he's invited? And as I said in my topic, it does bring tears to my eyes to get such attention. Except I don't WANT it! And he won't listen to me, the same way he cooks for me, when I tell him not to, and I've gained 50 pounds since we met.

    He simply will not listen to me, that I love him for who he is, not for what he does for me. He doesn't have to do anything, I need nothing but what he is. Spoiling me is not the way to my heart, and I've gotta make him understand that. Yet when he does it from his own heart, what am I supposed to do? I have a problem here... icon_confused.gif
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    May 13, 2010 3:26 AM GMT
    I am not in the best position to offer advice since I am not in a close, long term relationship such as yours...

    But maybe next time around, you can take a trip somewhere for your birthday instead? It would give you a valid excuse for not having another birthday extravaganza if you were out of town, and would also give you a memorable birthday with your partner.

    I understand where you are coming from, though--I would feel incredibly awkward to have such an extravagant party like that. Good luck with the upcoming party.

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    May 13, 2010 3:29 AM GMT
    Happy belated Birthday my dear friend! it is nice to feel appreciated on what you do for others isn't it!! but your man did something that is just as nice and admirable, and that is his show of gratitude. You are lucky to have someone in your life who is gracious enough to show his gratitude when you helped nurse him back to health. My Birthday was a little over two weeks ago on April 28th, and I was hoping someone would remember it, but I guess you have to have a certain level of popularity on RJ!? oh well!!


    Leandro ♥
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    May 13, 2010 4:00 AM GMT
    ALEZANDAR saidHappy belated Birthday my dear friend! it is nice to feel appreciated on what you do for others isn't it!! but your man did something that is just as nice and admirable, and that is his show of gratitude. You are lucky to have someone in your life who is gracious enough to show his gratitude when you helped nurse him back to health. My Birthday was a little over two weeks ago on April 28th, and I was hoping someone would remember it, but I guess you have to have a certain level of popularity on RJ!? oh well!!


    Leandro ♥

    My dear Leandro, old friend from another site. You are not being belated, my birthday is still a few weeks away, in early June. I just learned today about the party my partner has planned for me, that I don't want.

    It's the same way he serves me food all the time, that I don't want to eat, because it's making me grossly fat. And when I point out how fat I've become, he says it has nothing to do with his food, it's because of my martinis.

    Well, I was drinking martinis long before I met him and I was 155 lbs. Now I'm about 205. But he insists his food is not a factor. Despite my telling him I never ate so much before, and please don't demand I eat all this stuff you cook and put in front of me, nor insist we go out to eat at least 4 times a week, including lunch, dinner, and sometimes breakfast. I never did that before. I know what I've eaten, yet my gaining 50 lbs is because I have a martini?

    So likewise, I've gotta just accept when he does these other things for me. He's Italian, and you can't refuse what he thinks is a gift, even if I don't want it. He's literally killing me with kindness. But it's his way, and nothing I say or do will change that.
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    May 13, 2010 4:20 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    ALEZANDAR saidHappy belated Birthday my dear friend! it is nice to feel appreciated on what you do for others isn't it!! but your man did something that is just as nice and admirable, and that is his show of gratitude. You are lucky to have someone in your life who is gracious enough to show his gratitude when you helped nurse him back to health. My Birthday was a little over two weeks ago on April 28th, and I was hoping someone would remember it, but I guess you have to have a certain level of popularity on RJ!? oh well!!


    Leandro ♥

    My dear Leandro, old friend from another site. You are not being belated, my birthday is still a few weeks away, in early June. I just learned today about the party my partner has planned for me, that I don't want.

    It's the same way he serves me food all the time, that I don't want to eat, because it's making me grossly fat. And when I point out how fat I've become, he says it has nothing to do with his food, it's because of my martinis.

    Well, I was drinking martinis long before I met him and I was 155 lbs. Now I'm about 205. But he insists his food is not a factor. Despite my telling him I never ate so much before, and please don't demand I eat all this stuff you cook and put in front of me, nor insist we go out to eat at least 4 times a week, including lunch, dinner, and sometimes breakfast. I never did that before. I know what I've eaten, yet my gaining 50 lbs is because I have a martini?

    So likewise, I've gotta just accept when he does these other things for me. He's Italian, and you can't refuse what he thinks is a gift, even if I don't want it. He's literally killing me with kindness. But it's his way, and nothing I say or do will change that.



    Well don't feel bad nor guilty my dear friend for the extra pounds you've gained! I am one of those who will never complain about how much or what kind of food is served to me, because whenever I am ready to say "no that is enough, thank you" I think of how many people are going hungry or starving in the world to have to refuse the generosity and kindness of others.

    I burn out enough calories on my daily exercise routine to not worry how much calories I need to consume a day, besides when I feel the urge to eat something I don't give it a second thought and just enjoy eating it. I hope you have a wonderful Birthday, you sure deserve it!


    Leandro ♥