Roommate constantly insists "I'm not embracing my gayness"

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    May 18, 2010 12:25 AM GMT
    My direct roommate in college has been snapping at me recently for "hating being gay." I don't understand why he keeps getting pissed at me especially this was after we left a gay club. (I stayed with him until close)

    I am definitely more masculine than he is, which I only see as a personality difference that shouldn't matter. He insults my clothing (ecko jeans with an old navy shirt), hisses when I turn on the TV for sporting events, harasses me for trying to buy a Honda Accord rather than "nice car." He wants me to buy expensive things I can't afford to "improve my status." (I'm 22)

    The kicker is I came out before him, started seeing guys before him, and have been in a year-long committed relationship before he has ever slept someone more than twice. I don't insult him for ding drugs or going on Grindr either. I let him be who he is. I love the guy because he's hilarious and a a good guy to be around, but his snapping is getting to be a bit much.

    Sorry for the vent, but I want to know if any guys have similar issues with their friends or think the way my roommate does. I'd like to hear both sides.

    P.S. I DO NOT want a masc. vs. fem debate.
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    May 18, 2010 12:32 AM GMT
    Tell him you're glad you're not dating him because you'd rather be with a man. icon_wink.gif
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    May 18, 2010 12:35 AM GMT
    oh he's being one of those "stupid conforming gays" and thinks it's making him happy... he'll wake up in a few years hopefully.

    Otherwise, start insulting his clothing, bitch at him when he turns on the TV for his stupid TV shows and so forth

    OR do what I'd do, tell him to go screw himself if he doesn't like it!

    Why isn't a honda accord a nice car????

  • May 18, 2010 12:35 AM GMT
    Yep I get that alot too...for example often times because I don't go crazy for showtunes or love all the "quintessential" pop diva singers. *rolls eyes*
  • tituspullo197...

    Posts: 203

    May 18, 2010 12:41 AM GMT
    if you have sex with guys, you're embracing your gayness. everything else is a subculture predicated on conformity, fear and a profound lack of depth. like what you like and do what you see as reasonable.
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    May 18, 2010 12:47 AM GMT
    lilTanker said

    Why isn't a honda accord a nice car????


    I snapped back at him for this. It's been a car of the year. The one I want has leather and heated seats. He said I shouldn't get a Honda for "status purposes."

    But he puts a lot of effort into his clothing and image. I find it funny because he is liked is spite of those reasons and because his sense of humor makes up for it.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    May 18, 2010 12:50 AM GMT
    Some people would rather let others define them rather than boldly live through individuality.
    I'm wearing A&F whilst typing this! icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 18, 2010 12:51 AM GMT
    Sounds like your friend needs a good dickin' to get the bitch out of him. HA.

    Your friend is having a moment which seems like an eternity among those who are basically unhappy with themselves and hate seeing those who are. You don't need to change to make him happy and if he continues to be disrespectful towards you then clearly he isn't a good friend and you are more then welcome to give him a reality check.

    Also it might sound like he has a crush on you and doesn't know how to handle it so he is venting to get your attention. That's just a theory though.
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    May 18, 2010 12:52 AM GMT
    Damn man where do you live? I need someone like you! Honda? go for it!!
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    May 18, 2010 12:54 AM GMT
    elgringo77 saidMy direct roommate in college has been snapping at me recently for "hating being gay." I don't understand why he keeps getting pissed at me especially this was after we left a gay club. (I stayed with him until close)

    I am definitely more masculine than he is, which I only see as a personality difference that shouldn't matter. He insults my clothing (ecko jeans with an old navy shirt), hisses when I turn on the TV for sporting events, harasses me for trying to buy a Honda Accord rather than "nice car." He wants me to buy expensive things I can't afford to "improve my status." (I'm 22)

    The kicker is I came out before him, started seeing guys before him, and have been in a year-long committed relationship before he has ever slept someone more than twice. I don't insult him for ding drugs or going on Grindr either. I let him be who he is. I love the guy because he's hilarious and a a good guy to be around, but his snapping is getting to be a bit much.

    Sorry for the vent, but I want to know if any guys have similar issues with their friends or think the way my roommate does. I'd like to hear both sides.

    P.S. I DO NOT want a masc. vs. fem debate.


    I would go for you anyday hotness!!
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    May 18, 2010 12:56 AM GMT
    Tell him to stop trying to change you and get over it. Same advice we've been giving Christians for years.


    Seriously though.. I've gotten that attitude before from others. No exaggeration.. %100 of the time it's rooted in something else. I bet your gayness isn't even the real issue.
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    May 18, 2010 12:57 AM GMT
    Sounds like he is upset with himself. From what you explained, his misgivings about you could just be an outward expression of his displeasure with his current status in life.

    That is just my guess.
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    May 18, 2010 12:59 AM GMT
    Guy101 said
    Also it might sound like he has a crush on you and doesn't know how to handle it so he is venting to get your attention. That's just a theory though.


    Interesting theory. I'm sure he wanted to hook-up with me freshman year, but I haven't felt anything since then. (we've had mutual friends since then and always known each other in college)

    My theory is he's projecting his hatred of himself on me. My bf's old roommate did similar things to him because we like to go to dive bars and hang out with straight guys.
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    May 18, 2010 1:00 AM GMT
    flatstate2010 saidSounds like he is upset with himself. From what you explained, his misgivings about you could just be an outward expression of his displeasure with his current status in life.

    That is just my guess.


    Sorry, I typed my message before I read this. But I agree.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    May 18, 2010 1:03 AM GMT
    yeah, I had similar experiences in college, but I never had a gay roommate to harass me about my "gayness" or lack there of. I've had gay friends/acquaintances complain about the fact I don't go 'clubbing' and buy 'gay' clothes, sunglasses, etc. I like to keep things relatively simple, and only 'splurge' on art supplies and things I need to paint - otherwise I don't buy absurd things like a $80 pair of jeans because someone might think less of me without them.

    Frankly, I don't want to be around those types of people, and I have had the misfortune of finding/arguing with a few on RealJock. I am just not easily manipulatable by other people or the marketing machine we find ourselves surrounded by in the 21st century. I also think it is all about priorities - and I think you know where your friend's priorities are. icon_neutral.gif Bottom-line, you are a non-conformist, and I think it's admirable in this age of mostly fake and sallow people (literally and figuratively)
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    May 18, 2010 1:03 AM GMT
    i love my honda icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 18, 2010 1:06 AM GMT
    MYJ21 saidi love my honda icon_biggrin.gif


    I agree. I had a 2001 prelude in HS and hated when we sold it when I moved 3000 miles to college. I can't wait to drive one again.
  • Razzmaniac

    Posts: 240

    May 18, 2010 1:07 AM GMT
    elgringo77 saidMy direct roommate in college has been snapping at me recently for "hating being gay." I don't understand why he keeps getting pissed at me especially this was after we left a gay club. (I stayed with him until close)

    I am definitely more masculine than he is, which I only see as a personality difference that shouldn't matter. He insults my clothing (ecko jeans with an old navy shirt), hisses when I turn on the TV for sporting events, harasses me for trying to buy a Honda Accord rather than "nice car." He wants me to buy expensive things I can't afford to "improve my status." (I'm 22)

    The kicker is I came out before him, started seeing guys before him, and have been in a year-long committed relationship before he has ever slept someone more than twice. I don't insult him for ding drugs or going on Grindr either. I let him be who he is. I love the guy because he's hilarious and a a good guy to be around, but his snapping is getting to be a bit much.

    Sorry for the vent, but I want to know if any guys have similar issues with their friends or think the way my roommate does. I'd like to hear both sides.

    P.S. I DO NOT want a masc. vs. fem debate.


    There is no such thing as "embracing gayness". . its not in the contract i signed. I play hockey, other sports, love cars and can fix them, dont go to clubs and have alot of str8 friends, yet i will fall in love with another man and have sex with another man. I get a kick out of how some guys whos lives revolve around the rainbow flag and gay cruises hiss at those of us who would rather be wearing a jersey at our favorite teams game, drinking a beer, whooping and hollaring at the refs and get a woody at the sound of the guy next to you in the parking lot reving his V-10 lifted pickup.
    Heterosexual people dont have a flag or a triangle or equal sign. . . .they are just .. . .themselves. . . drawing attention to yourself to prove a point is pretty obnoxious to both the hetero and homosexual lifestyles. Some people didnt just come out of the closet. . .they busted the hinges out of the door jams. . .
  • italguynj

    Posts: 250

    May 18, 2010 1:12 AM GMT
    Shit, what would he think of me? I have a 1998 Honda accord and I am not giving it up to there is nothing left of it!
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    May 18, 2010 1:13 AM GMT
    Your room-mate sounds pretty ridiculous. Don't even consider for a moment what he tells you about 'not being gay enough' and similar clap-trap. You seem to be a real catch.

    Roomie seems to be a living gay stereotype, obsessing about all the wrong things, convinced that his way is the ONLY way. If he wanted to, he could learn a lot from you about what's really important, live-and-let-live and how to keep a man.

    I think, the 2 of you should hug it out.
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    May 18, 2010 1:17 AM GMT
    bernd said
    Roomie seems to be a living gay stereotype, obsessing about all the wrong things, convinced that his way is the ONLY way. If he wanted to, he could learn a lot from you about what's really important, live-and-let-live and how to keep a man.

    I think, the 2 of you should hug it out.


    I like this suggestion because I honestly like being his friend. We're both moving to LA, (probably not living together) and I would love to hang out with him.
  • cowboyathlete

    Posts: 1346

    May 18, 2010 1:24 AM GMT
    elgringo77 saidMy direct roommate in college has been snapping at me recently for "hating being gay." I don't understand why he keeps getting pissed at me especially this was after we left a gay club. (I stayed with him until close)

    I am definitely more masculine than he is, which I only see as a personality difference that shouldn't matter. He insults my clothing (ecko jeans with an old navy shirt), hisses when I turn on the TV for sporting events, harasses me for trying to buy a Honda Accord rather than "nice car." He wants me to buy expensive things I can't afford to "improve my status." (I'm 22)

    The kicker is I came out before him, started seeing guys before him, and have been in a year-long committed relationship before he has ever slept someone more than twice. I don't insult him for ding drugs or going on Grindr either. I let him be who he is. I love the guy because he's hilarious and a a good guy to be around, but his snapping is getting to be a bit much.

    Sorry for the vent, but I want to know if any guys have similar issues with their friends or think the way my roommate does. I'd like to hear both sides.

    P.S. I DO NOT want a masc. vs. fem debate.
    He needs his head examined.
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    May 18, 2010 1:29 AM GMT
    You're roomate is just a bit unsecure. He made his choices about what he think is the right way to be gay, but you,a good friend, make other choices.

    He wants you to share his lifestyle in oder to get validated.

    You're obviously more mature than him, give him time to grow up.

    Just tell him there is thousand of way to be gay, but the only one you should embrace is the one wich makes you feel good about yourself.
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    May 18, 2010 1:34 AM GMT
    I kicked mine because I don't deal with his selfish issue
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    May 18, 2010 1:40 AM GMT
    He is uncomfortable with himself, is conforming to a certain standard that makes him feel part of something, and is projecting.

    He'll grow out of it, in the mean time, stay friends, but work on getting your own place, tactfully ("I think I'm ready to have my own place").