Just starting to date men at age 45: any advice?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2010 8:13 PM GMT
    Leaving a 21 year marriag (to a woman) It's been intense, and a lot of emotions to sort through over the last year. I'm excited to be OUT and embarking on a new life.

    I worry about not having enough experience with gay sex. I like the idea of being versatile, seems hot to do both with your man. As the inexperienced new guy, I've defaulted to being the bottom, but two of the guys commented that I'm probably a top. Ive been with a handful of men but am lacking the technique I had with women. I am a good kisser, that carries over, lol. Any advice as I start dating men? (not reallly starting a top/versatile/bottom thread here... More looking for advice as a new gay man starting to date.

    Thanks!
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    May 20, 2010 8:18 PM GMT
    Men are people. Treat them respectfully and honestly. I don't think it's any different than when you date a woman. If you ask someone out for a meal or an event, expect to pay for everything since you are the one that asked.

    As far as how to meet them in the first place, I can't really help you there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2010 11:00 PM GMT
    wow, congrats, that must have been a handful .

    there's no set pattern for dating. Some guys meet in saunas and go on dating and become partners, others need dinner etc. first and sex comes after.
    think you can skip the flower bit...

    i find one thing is different: 2 guys together can easily get competitive over the most menial things...
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    May 21, 2010 12:18 AM GMT
    Thought I've not had your experience (I came out when I was 16), but I would say to keep a very open mind about who to date. When I first came out I had a very definitive idea of what kind of guy I wanted. Flash forward to me spending a lot of time alone for many years. In my mid-20s I made a pact that I would go out at least once with anyone who was interested or receptive. I dated a LOT of guys and, yes, mostly they were not the right one. (And, yes, I might have been a little slutty but always safe.)

    The lesson for me was that you don't always know what will work for you. I learned a lot about myself and a lot about men.I learned that sometimes you are attracted to people after you get to know them. I learned that sometimes hot guys lost their hotness because they're assholes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2010 12:54 AM GMT
    Don't worry about your experience or lack thereof. Sex is just a tiny part of dating men. If you find a man who loves you, he won't mind if you suck in bed. Pun intended. icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 21, 2010 1:16 AM GMT
    Everybody who has posted so far has been right on the money.

    Christian definitely has it right with the encouragement to put aside preconceived ideas of who you think you may find attractive. Stay out there and keep an open mind.

    Timberoo is definitely right with the 'people are people' angle.

    And xassantex has it right when he warns about the competition angle. I've underestimated that one to my cost exactly once.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 21, 2010 1:23 AM GMT
    How awesome! Congrats for taking the plunge and striving to make your life richer and more fulfilled.

    My suggestion to you is that you remain true to yourself. You're still billyboystl... with all the facets that make you a unique person. My suggestion is not to try and "blend in", but rather seize the moment and explore in a way you are comfortable. Refute pressure, make it on your terms and above all.... enjoy life.
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    May 21, 2010 1:25 AM GMT
    I think you should call me icon_smile.gif
  • tazzari

    Posts: 2937

    May 21, 2010 1:28 AM GMT
    I can only add to all the good and sensible things everyone has already said. Be you, be open, honest, respectful - and eventually the right guy will come along. Don't worry about "technique" - if there's love and/or attraction, that will work out.

    I've actually met some good guys on craigslist; for the rest, post here, so people can get to know you a bit. Connexions is also good.

    Congratulations, and very best wishes!

    Nat
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 21, 2010 1:28 AM GMT
    Don't start labeling yourself .....
    so you're inexperienced ... that means that everything is new and FUN
    Sometimes I wish that it will all be new again

    Remember ... if it seems like fun do it
    as long as no one gets hurt and nobody can be called in to testify icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2010 1:35 AM GMT
    well your certainly hot enough hahaha

    Lots of guys, especially older ones (like, 30 and up) are pretty good to get into the sack when you haven't a clue what your doing (and they know what they are going of course), they are more inclined to take there time, give you little suggestions (a lot with there hands) and generally try to make what will be a nervous experience for you a far more comfortable one.. I say 30 and up because most guys my age and younger are very much "stick it in and move it around, then blow" although that isn't to say everyone younger then 30 is, it's just a far sight more rare to find someone that really understands what having sex is.

    Anyway.. being a bottom takes experience too, not just to handle taking a cock but to working your arse on his cock as much as you can plus finding all the right angles that work just right can take time too.

    being a top, well, as unfortunate as it is, lots of bottoms require a top to be kinda experienced, however you usually don't have to be awesome BUT, even better is when you find that bottom who'll take the time to show you the things you're gonna need.. ie, training hehehe THEY are freakin awesome guys, cause they want you to be as best as you can be and have absolutely no problems showing you the ropes and letting you practice icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 21, 2010 3:28 AM GMT

    The best part about any experience is being open to the possibility of having one whatever that might be. Don't feel as tho you have to make up for lost time as you might make rash decisions. You have the rest of your life time to discover you and that journey will be what you make of it. You will kiss a few frogs before you kiss your prince but that's to be expected as nothing good comes easy.

    Best to you
    Hill
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    May 21, 2010 4:28 AM GMT
    WOW, I'm happy to see so many men chime in! Thanks to each of you. It encourages me to see the depth of responses and they make sense to my own natural instincts of being myself, believing in myself and going with the flow. Thanks for all the kind words and taking the time.

    Others can still add their comments, I just wanted to insert a quick thanks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2010 5:22 AM GMT
    Keep on kissing.

    In terms of techinique....use the same tenderness and kindness that you did with women. But also men like to jazz it up with more strenght so you don't have to wory about hurting them physically when you have sex.

    Grabe em.....move em......turn them upside down and rub muscles and hair and it's ok if you sweat and smell.

    Have fun and express yourselficon_biggrin.gif






  • TonyD

    Posts: 168

    Jun 10, 2010 3:39 PM GMT
    Thanks for revealing this about yourself.
    Not many guys would be so forthcoming.

    Over the years, I've learned to find men that bring out a feeling in me. That feeling (empathy) creates a sexual attraction that is more connected , rather than disconnecting than with a hot body.
    I'll explain...

    Often, when younger, I'd date someone that looks good or represents something i thought i needed. I'd 'think' my way into a relationship..and wondered why I wasnt as 'functional' sexually as I'd like. I blamed myself.

    Today, if I am relaxed and feel cared for and understood, then I can be good in any sexual position. it's amazing...of course, this takes a certain level of intimacy 'before' sex.

    Contrary to what many gay men believe,
    having a d*** in someone's a** does not create 'intimacy'.

    For me, 'empathy' and bonding on deeper factors/issues in life is what makes me aroused for longer than the initial 'OMG, what a body, d***, a**, whatever' that constitutes initial sexual attraction.

    For instance, I met a guy who doesnt like to be alone...neither do I..of course, there are reasons for this, and this issue (not wanting to be alone) can be 'worked on' to improve, however, the bonding comes from the mutual issue, not from the 'let's work on it and make ourselves better'...sometimes issues do not need to worked on...just having a respect for each other is all that's needed... and for this issue, in particular, 2 guys who do not like to be alone, and know it, can bond on this issue and be together, which can help solve the issue!

    Also, I steer away from guys who say (online profiles) they dont 'need' anyone, are complete in themselves, and 'want', but don't need another guy. In my opinion, this is a denial of human need....and people ten to be afraid of the word 'need'..it's too close to the word needy.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2010 3:54 PM GMT
    Christian73 saidThought I've not had your experience (I came out when I was 16), but I would say to keep a very open mind about who to date. When I first came out I had a very definitive idea of what kind of guy I wanted. Flash forward to me spending a lot of time alone for many years. In my mid-20s I made a pact that I would go out at least once with anyone who was interested or receptive.


    lol- I'd never be able to do that.


    Congrats OP- practice makes perfect.icon_wink.gif

    Communication is the key.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2010 4:16 PM GMT
    WELCOME to the dating seen! I been single since I split Chris. Chris and I been a marrage couple for 6 years. He was mine first stud at the time I was living with Chris, Chris used to had a funk/rock band very known in the Bay Area in CA (Mosty SF, East Bay,South Bay and North Bay). When I found out he cheat on me and lie I end it on Feb 2009. This year will be a year I split with Chris. I perf dating Bayboys or badbass badboys with a band. I wanted dram and great sext I do love hairy chest and supper hung guys from 8" cut and bigger. Guys I date is wealth hunk. Mine age I date is 28 y/o to 50 y/o. MUST be fit, muscler.

    There ALOT of horny men out in the sea's. BUT in FL what I am seeing is girl, femal guys YUCK icon_evil.gif !

    I know mine ex-bf Chris so well. He never stop loving me nor I can't stop thinking of mine detest clever devil Chris for sure. He been showing off ALL mine hide outs just naming a few. I may never get over with mine badbass badboy-ex band lead singer. I do miss his dirty grin and his beautfull 11.5" hung of his! Yes it was safe sex if you like to know! icon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gif


    BW
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2010 4:28 PM GMT
    billyboystl said
    I worry about not having enough experience with gay sex. I like the idea of being versatile, seems hot to do both with your man. As the inexperienced new guy, I've defaulted to being the bottom, but two of the guys commented that I'm probably a top. Ive been with a handful of men but am lacking the technique I had with women. I am a good kisser, that carries over, lol.


    If you have lived with women, you probably know how to take charge in sex. That should carry over to topping guys. Just adore their bodies like you would a woman's and then confidently top them, and they will be happy. Remember, you are in charge, so don't be afraid of rearranging their position or telling them what you like them to do for you. Some bottoms love to be lifted up and manhandled a little. But basically, most bottoms get off on pleasing the top, so just be sure that you enjoy yourself and show it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2010 4:44 PM GMT
    I wouldn't worry too much about lack of experience. I think some guys would even find it charming. Just be yourself and open to exploring new things and you'll be fine.

    And congratulations for making the decision to be true to yourself!
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jun 10, 2010 5:10 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidDon't worry about your experience or lack thereof. Sex is just a tiny part of dating men. If you find a man who loves you, he won't mind if you suck in bed. Pun intended. icon_biggrin.gif
    Quoted For Truth! icon_cool.gificon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2010 7:56 PM GMT
    My advice is to.........

    Call me anytime you come to DC icon_wink.gif