"Actually I don't have a girlfriend... I date guys" When is the sexuality declaration appropriate?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2010 3:14 PM GMT
    .
    I am a regular guy who doesn't "speak gay" or behave "gay" aside from the fact that everyday I dress the way I do when I go to modeling calls, and I get a manicure every week.... (kinda telling). Anyway still get hit on by girls, guys with girlfriends, and whenever I meet a person or a new group of any sex its like the whole group can't pin point my sexuality so they preemptively bring up the word girlfriend or some hint to sexuality and I get surprisingly awkward for a guy who is out to close friends and most family.

    In my defense I get awkward because I am a career and academic driven guy and I don't want sexuality to affect perception of my success, but also sometimes people speak of that so early I just think uh that discussion is actually none of your f***ing business!

    So when and how do you drop the I'm actually more into guys bomb?
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    May 21, 2010 4:17 PM GMT
    Jay0416 said.

    So when and how do you drop the I'm actually more into guys bomb?


    Unless they are asking because they want to suck your dick it's really none of their business.

  • May 21, 2010 4:35 PM GMT
    Jay0416 said.
    I am a regular guy who doesn't "speak gay" or behave "gay" aside from the fact that everyday I dress the way I do when I go to modeling calls, and I get a manicure every week.... (kinda telling). Anyway still get hit on by girls, guys with girlfriends, and whenever I meet a person or a new group of any sex its like the whole group can't pin point my sexuality so they preemptively bring up the word girlfriend or some hint to sexuality and I get surprisingly awkward for a guy who is out to close friends and most family.

    In my defense I get awkward because I am a career and academic driven guy and I don't want sexuality to affect perception of my success, but also sometimes people speak of that so early I just think uh that discussion is actually none of your f***ing business!

    So when and how do you drop the I'm actually more into guys bomb?


    Well, unless you're bi, you're not "more into guys," you're "into guys," and it's okay to say just that.

    The fear that being out (that is, publicly out, not just to your inner circle) will affect your success is precisely the reason for the push for all of us to be more open. The experience is similar for straight guys when they meet new people and groups, especially if they're attractive, fit, and look like they have a good job. If somebody didn't Put a Ring on It, people are going to be curious. And if you've got a ring, they're going to ask about your wife. I wear one, and have to correct assumptions all the time.

    My advice is to stop making it a big deal. Yes, it's a bit brash for a person you just met to ask if you're currently fucking somebody (depending on where you're meeting), but the world is full of those types. It doesn't have to be dramatic, you can just smile and say, "I'm gay, actually." It's unfortunate that oppression and prejudice has made it necessary to be more forthcoming about our sexuality, but the more of us who are publicly out, the more we move forward to a time when we're not uncomfortable to be so.
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    May 21, 2010 4:49 PM GMT
    Cue the Realjock trolls who obsess over the topic of "acting gay."
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    May 21, 2010 4:57 PM GMT
    Allathlete saidCue the Realjock trolls who obsess over the topic of "acting gay."


    ....Hopefully that's not where this discussion goes, because that won't be of any help to my initial question, or maybe I should make a point to say my opening sentence about speaking and acting gay has minimal relevance!
    icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2010 5:11 PM GMT
    I can relate. I have a friend who likes to out me to groups of strangers or old acquaintances. She's a vegan-hippy from a small town who thinks it should be simple.

    Before I would hate her for it, but now I'm finding I can roll quicker with the punches, being infinitely witty...

    Still. Finding the right words are different pending the different people you encounter.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2010 5:20 PM GMT
    Honestly if someone asks what my type is I just say football players. That usually clears things up.
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    May 21, 2010 5:26 PM GMT
    At any time where it'd be appropriate for a heterosexual male to disclose his sexuality.

    A simple "are you seeing anyone?" question usually gets the straight guys blabbing on about their girlfriend... why should it stop you from talking about any guy you may be seeing?

    As far as being career driven... again. If it's appropriate for a straight person to talk about their relationships in the same situation, go for it.
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    May 21, 2010 6:24 PM GMT
    fastfreddie said
    Jay0416 said.

    So when and how do you drop the I'm actually more into guys bomb?


    Unless they are asking because they want to suck your dick it's really none of their business.


    Baloney. You don't have to drop it into conversation "I'm gay" becaue people don't say "I'm straight". There's no equivalence because most straight guys don't get asked "are you straight?"

    I'm talk about my partner with the frequency and affection I would talk about my girlfriends, there's really no difference. We, as gay men, shouldn't have to be ashamed of sharing things that we would share about our significant other if it was a woman and not a man.

    So, talk about it in the same way you would talk about a girl. If someone asks you "How was your weekend?" and you would respond "I went out on a date with this really nice girl", then you should be equally comfortable saying "I went out on a date with this really nice guy." If they didn't know before, they know now, and it may open the door to some good conversation and even a friendship that would have never developed had you withheld for fear of droping the "I'm gay" bomb.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    May 21, 2010 6:31 PM GMT
    GwgTrunks saidAt any time where it'd be appropriate for a heterosexual male to disclose his sexuality.

    A simple "are you seeing anyone?" question usually gets the straight guys blabbing on about their girlfriend... why should it stop you from talking about any guy you may be seeing?

    As far as being career driven... again. If it's appropriate for a straight person to talk about their relationships in the same situation, go for it.



    QFT
  • mtneerman

    Posts: 476

    May 21, 2010 7:30 PM GMT
    if your not completely comfortable telling strangers your gay for whatever reason, when they bring up the issue just say your too busy focusing on your career right now to think about dating, then change the subject. it's your life, and your career, you don't owe it to anyone to out yourself. until your comfortable with everyone knowing then keep your private life private.
  • stevendust

    Posts: 398

    May 21, 2010 7:39 PM GMT
    That's your decision to make, not ours.
  • shoelessj

    Posts: 511

    May 21, 2010 7:58 PM GMT
    yeah, i'd go with the 'don't make a big deal out of it' guys. and unless people ask in an accusatory tone, just that they are generally curious, there's not a lot of reason to get upset with them. if you don't want to volunteer info and aren't comfortable volunteering it, then don't. but my deal is, if people ask, then tell. you don't have to go into a big song and dance with disco balls and strobe lights, just say something like the guy who said 'i'm into football players.' or make a little joke of some sort, like 'you are sexy, got a brother?' or if someone asks, 'why don't you have a girlfriend?' just say, 'because i'm looking for a boyfriend.' and give them a little smile or something. and relax. you'll be OK.
  • FredMG

    Posts: 988

    May 21, 2010 8:11 PM GMT
    I'm a horrible flirt, but I'll drop the 'gay bomb' when:

    - If I feel some chick is on the verge of asking me out.

    - it feels like some guy is hitting on me and wants confermation.

    I really have other things to do that go around wearing my sexuality on my sleeve and I'm in work environments where it isn't a big deal but I don't feel the need to advertize.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2010 8:33 PM GMT
    Allathlete saidCue the Realjock trolls who obsess over the topic of "acting gay."


    Cue the ironic self-referential trolls first!
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    May 21, 2010 8:48 PM GMT
    Ciarsolo said
    Allathlete saidCue the Realjock trolls who obsess over the topic of "acting gay."


    Cue the ironic self-referential trolls first!


    * ears perk up *
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2010 9:04 PM GMT
    First, I think every situation is different: the mix of people involved, the setting, the topic, etc, etc. I don't reveal my orientation unless it's relevant to that moment and circumstances, and that can be highly variable, and yet I can do so very easily when I think it's appropriate.

    Last year a female sales rep sat down next to me at a gay bar, and asked me if I might have some information on the local businesses she was visiting that afternoon. She was just getting a quick bite of food to eat there, BTW.

    So I tried to help her out, but then I thought she was starting to hit on me, or maybe she just hoped I'd pay for her lunch. So as part of giving her local info I asked if she realized this was a gay bar. Indeed she did, she knew the whole area is. But then she said it didn't look like many gay men were there that day, plus there were some women present, too.

    Oh, yes, I assured her, I know almost everyone here, and I don't see a single straight person. For instance, that woman over there is actually a man in drag. And then I added: "And of course I'm gay, too," so she wouldn't expect more from me than I would be delivering.

    And she was surprised, maybe even a little suspicious, perhaps thinking I was using a false excuse to cut her plans for me short. She spent some moments questioning me, almost stubbornly, to convince herself I was really gay. Well, I began to lose patience, and as my drink was finished anyway, I gave her a cordial good-bye and left her at the bar, with what I hoped were some useful local business references.

    Yet I wouldn't have mentioned my being gay to some other woman sitting next to me under circumstances where I felt no particular need. I've also told the story elsewhere about my dropping the "announcement" on a guy who was having drinks with me at a straight bar, and who suddenly started slamming gays.

    I remained pleasant & unflustered, and allowed myself to finish my drink, then as I was leaving told him he'd been socializing with 2 gays guys who lived together (my partner was with me). What was even better was his wife had joined us midway through our 30-minute chat, finding us already all chummy, and I made sure she heard me. icon_twisted.gif
  • safety43_mma1...

    Posts: 4251

    May 21, 2010 11:05 PM GMT
    it is simple for me if they ask i will tell them yes but really my sexuality does not define me. i like doing all the same stuff as when i wasnt out. it isnt that i am not proud of who i am but there is more to me then just that.
  • ChilaxinJOCK0...

    Posts: 1513

    May 21, 2010 11:09 PM GMT
    Jboegz saidHonestly if someone asks what my type is I just say football players. That usually clears things up.


    haha i like that! im going to start using that one
  • GmniPete

    Posts: 26

    May 21, 2010 11:15 PM GMT
    I am out and pretty open about my sexuality. It doesn't define me as a person. Most of my co-workers are straight and Alot of them didn't know my sexuality when they first started working with me. I did not make it a point to tell them, because I'm not just a gay man, there is more to me. If someone asks, I don't deny it though. And they still question if I am really gay, because I do appreciate a beautiful woman. Not to say I necessarily would go out with one, but if I do see a woman that is hot, I let it be known that I think she's hot....just don't let a hot guy walk in right behind her, because then they say... ok, you're still you, lol.
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    May 22, 2010 6:03 AM GMT
    GmniPete saidI am out and pretty open about my sexuality. It doesn't define me as a person. Most of my co-workers are straight and Alot of them didn't know my sexuality when they first started working with me. I did not make it a point to tell them, because I'm not just a gay man, there is more to me. If someone asks, I don't deny it though. And they still question if I am really gay, because I do appreciate a beautiful woman. Not to say I necessarily would go out with one, but if I do see a woman that is hot, I let it be known that I think she's hot....just don't let a hot guy walk in right behind her, because then they say... ok, you're still you, lol.


    I do the same thing.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 22, 2010 12:20 PM GMT
    Unless you are being sexually harassed at work
    I don't see any instance of where that question would appropriately come up icon_neutral.gif
  • gsh1964

    Posts: 388

    May 22, 2010 12:35 PM GMT
    I don't think you should hide, your sexuality... I did it for 38 years and it wasn't fun.

    I will probobly guarantee you that people already figure it out. Now adays, people's "gaydar" is pretty fine tuned. If it's not and someone is hitting on you, just be open and honest and don't worry about it.

    FYI, the majority of the gay community is "str8" acting. The feminine type of guy is the minority. That was the big shocker for me when I came out 7 years ago. it freaked me out about how many gay guys act masculine/butch and I would of never guessed they were gay... still to this day.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 22, 2010 12:45 PM GMT
    I just don't effing care anymore on the personal side. Professionally it doesn't come up with clients at all.

    Every so often some middle aged or older woman, some old enough to be my mother will ask if I'm married yet. Depending on the circumstances, I just say "I'm not" and if they ask if I'm seeing someone, I usually just say "yes". "When are you going to get married"?, they will ask.

    Twice I've said, "depends on a couple of things".. but the big one is if he proposes".

    They were shocked and I chuckled.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2010 12:45 PM GMT
    If you're modeling, being gay will HELP your career. I've seen way too many aspiring straight models get pushed to the side before their career ever launches, just because they refuse to model for anything that "might" be marketed to the gay crowd.

    As for when it's appropriate: Whenever you feel like it. Personally, I'd rather get it out in the open as soon as possible with new people, simply because that's when they're least likely to ask a fuckton of questions. If you wait 'till they know you, then they're more apt to wonder why you "changed."