Wit's End

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2010 3:22 AM GMT
    So, at the risk of sounding like a complete idiot on this thing... I need some major relationship advice from the cyber world of homos.

    I met a guy on a hookup which oddly escalated into fireworks of emotional connection and soon after a committed relationship. The huge issue was I lived 3 hours away from him and had no car. He made sacrifices to visit me often, we fought a lot but I think most of that was due to the distance problem.

    Our relationship lasted just 4 months with a little 2 week break in the middle and then ended 3 months ago. He is my first love. He met my mom, dad, and grandma... which was huge. I fought desperately to convince him not to end things but there was little I could do over the phone to change his mind and we never did get to talk face to face. The awful breakup happened in half friendly half hostile phone conversations, emails, and text messages. It was confusing.

    There are some personal issues I'm facing that the relationship taught me. I went to counseling and am learning a lot about myself. I could have been a better boyfriend for sure... but was doing my best. Word has come back to me that he has said he was only dating me for sex...uh, wtf? Nope. We had more than that. Uh, denial.

    I live close to him now and my efforts to contact him were ignored until he finally wrote an email that he is afraid to see me or talk to me and asked me to completely leave him alone. Two weeks ago I emailed him asking if we could meet (not to date again or even be friends, but just to meet in person one time and talk). He ignored the email but contacted a mutual friend (that he hasn't talked to in 2 months) to tell him he's been busy with life and his new boyfriend he's been seeing for the past 2 months. Uh, rebound.

    A piece of me wants desperatetly to move on from him and yet I also want to make him face me, face his feelings, and kick rebound boy to the curb.

    Feedback? Be as brutally honest as you see fit.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2010 3:59 AM GMT
    Why did he break up with you?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2010 4:04 AM GMT
    Move on. He has.

    Accept his 'no thanks' for what it is and don't become a stalker. There are so many great guys out there. It is very likely that you will find love again with someone else.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2010 4:08 AM GMT
    Sounds like he has made it pretty clear he doesn’t want to see you; kind of cowardly, but his choice.
    The first loves are the hardest to get over; some may say they never have.
    Let him go and move on, really there can be no good in meeting him one last time; you will most likely make a fool of yourself.
    Good luck to you.
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    May 23, 2010 4:24 AM GMT
    unfounded7 saidWhy did he break up with you?


    That's a pretty long story... But he got a little rowdy at a club without me there which started an argument that ended in a breakup. I was pretty vicious about it and he felt guilty and withdrew.
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    May 23, 2010 4:53 AM GMT
    Does getting rowdy mean he was making out with another guy?
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    May 23, 2010 5:50 AM GMT
    unfounded7 saidDoes getting rowdy mean he was making out with another guy?


    No. But he was out with some friends and invited my friend had introduced him to... drunkenly groped my friend's dick on the dance floor. My reaction was pretty much.... I flipped out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2010 1:58 PM GMT
    Ok, so while my knowledge of reality tv blows, my relationship IQ is retardedly high, due to my love of complication...
    Anyway, I dated a guy, we had a red hot, passionate, deeply emotional "thing" for three or four months. It ended swiftly with an argument over nothing that really mattered. Afterwards, I felt like I needed so kind of closure, so I gave him a call after like a week or so; he acted like I was a serial killer on the prowl, acted like he could not possibly understand why I
    was calling him, then made a point to tell a few mutual friends that I called him (once) and couldn't let go.
    While I'm the first one to tout letting go as a positive, there is something to be said for processing emotion vs denial; both are methods of coping.
    Just take it as another way you two differed, buy yourself something you look really hot in, and pat yourself on the back for being a sensitive feeling guy
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2010 2:09 PM GMT
    Squash it. Move on. No need to waste your time and energy on something that is non-existent.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    May 23, 2010 2:40 PM GMT
    Let it go man, cuz it's gone.
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    May 23, 2010 2:58 PM GMT
    Brutally honest you may be the one in denial, not trying to be mean or anything but of course you think his new bf is just a rebound and he is in denial but thats because you loved this man. And love maybe clouding whats the obvious thing to do which is moving on. But good blessings.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    May 23, 2010 2:58 PM GMT
    My opinion is that you should consider showing more respect for other people and their wishes. After your repeated attempts he has said that he does not wish to see you. You need to respect that. A loving relationship is not about just one person always getting their way. Maybe being more respectful to the other person in your next relationship will help make the connection more stable.

    I'm sure you will meet someone more compatible for you eventually.
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    May 23, 2010 3:18 PM GMT
    I'm going to be honest... If the guy doesn't want to see you again why waste your time? You can't force somebody to like you and all you are doing is carrying the torch for a relationship that didn't last that long. I suggest you move on and get over the guy and maybe in the process get a car because a guy without a car just sends all sorts of red flags for me.
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    May 23, 2010 3:22 PM GMT
    Stop.

    Fundamentally, he's asked you to stop contacting him. You really have no ability to force him to meet you face to face, and since he's explicitly told you to stop contacting him, continuing to do so could easily end up being considered harassment.

    Even if you were able to get a face to face talk, you couldn't be sure that you'd get what you wanted out of it. The mere fact that he doesn't want to talk to you anymore tells you all you really need to know here: the relationship is over, and he's the sort of guy that cuts off all contact after a fight, which is clearly not what you currently want in a partner.

    People can be evasive, or say what they think we want to hear, or say what we don't want to hear and won't listen to in person just as easily as they can over the phone. You said that "we had more than that", but a more accurate statement would be "I felt/thought we had more than that" -- you don't actually know what he felt or thought, not after just a couple of months, and insisting that you do despite his direct statements to the contrary...well, it's possible that you're right, but it's just as possible that your feelings weren't reciprocated, and if you're not open to that possibility, there's a good chance you're going to miss out on a chance to figure out how you misread him/whether you projected your own feelings onto him/if you ignored doubts/etc.

    Further, you don't even have the right motives for wanting to see him in person. You're not looking to find out what you did wrong, or what you missed -- you're seeking to punish him and doom his current relationship. Even with the right motives it's still often not a good idea -- many people who feel that they weren't given a reason for the breakup are merely refusing to acknowledge the reason(s) they've already been given, as it/they weren't ones the person wanted to hear -- but with spiteful motives you're in an even worse boat.

    In life in general, and particularly in relationships, you are only in control of yourself. Almost any time the question is "How do I make him..." the answer is "You can't." You've made it clear that you want to talk to him. He's made it equally clear that he doesn't want to talk to you. No almost always trumps yes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2010 3:25 PM GMT
    I'm actually going to go on

    4 months and you fell in love? Really? The average counselor will tell you that 4 months is nothing it's just getting to the end of the honey moon period (maybe he fell out of it faster than you). What is the honey moon period? It's that time when you generally overlook somebody's faults because you are just happy to be in a relationship. So those cute little noises he makes when he sleeps could be really annoying later on to the point where you want to smack him awake before you put a pillow over his head.

    Here is my suggestion for anyone wanting to try and make a relationship last longer than months. Build communication and trust early on and be truthful to yourself. If you are dating somebody and it's week 3 and you realize they are kinda of an idiot JUMP FUCKING SHIP NOW because it's going to be more painful later on!
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    May 23, 2010 3:30 PM GMT
    You sound like you need some closure, but it might be time to accept that you're not going to get it. Or at least not anytime soon. Good luck with getting past this stuff.
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    May 23, 2010 3:38 PM GMT
    jlly_rnchr saidYou sound like you need some closure, but it might be time to accept that you're not going to get it. Or at least not anytime soon. Good luck with getting past this stuff.


    I was thinking the exact same thing... and would only add, you may not get the type of closure you want. Face to face meeting to discuss things. He's made it pretty clear he doesn't want that. Coward. The only thing you can do at this point is to leave it alone and YOU move on. Do not give someone else (especially after only 4 months) that kind of power to effect you so strongly. Besides, he doesn't sound like such a catch from reading your posts....
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    May 23, 2010 3:56 PM GMT
    He has told you that he does NOT want to see or hear from you again.Which by reading your explanation of your actions I can completely understand why.Because of your lunatic behavior he has said that he is afraid to talk to you or see you,and you continue to try to contact him.
    You are harassing/stalking him,that is illegal.
    Grow the fuck up and leave him alone before he has your ass arrested.
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    May 23, 2010 4:01 PM GMT
    Walk away. You'll never have better love if you keep obsessing over this one. You're also not paying attention. Here, we can help you.

    "I fought desperately to convince him not to end things but there was little I could do over the phone to change his mind and we never did get to talk face to face."

    You can't make a person love you.

    "Word has come back to me that he has said he was only dating me for sex...uh, wtf?"

    Believe it. That's not what you want out of a relationship, is it?

    "I live close to him now and my efforts to contact him were ignored until he finally wrote an email that he is afraid to see me or talk to me and asked me to completely leave him alone."

    Believe it.

    "contacted a mutual friend (that he hasn't talked to in 2 months) to tell him he's been busy with life and his new boyfriend he's been seeing for the past 2 months"

    He has a bf now. Respect that bf as you would want to be if you were that bf.

    ".. drunkenly groped my friend's dick on the dance floor. My reaction was pretty much.... I flipped out."

    That's part of who he is. It's not for you. He obviously knows he's not going to change.

    "A piece of me wants desperatetly to move on from him and yet I also want to make him face me, face his feelings, and kick rebound boy to the curb."

    That's not closure; that's revenge and being even worse than he is. You could possibly, if you met, brow beat him all you like and swing between being nasty and heartbroken but you will only damage yourself. You need that self for the next love that comes along - a real one, not this.








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    May 23, 2010 4:23 PM GMT
    betterplan saidA piece of me wants desperatetly to move on from him and yet I also want to make him face me, face his feelings, and kick rebound boy to the curb.

    Feedback? Be as brutally honest as you see fit.

    Thanks for the invite, but that last sentence is hardly necessary with this crowd, including yours truly! LOL!

    OK, your feelings of anger are common following a break-up, especially when you learn your ex has already chosen your replacement. But they are completely out of line and to be avoided, for the many good reasons already mentioned in the posts above.

    And take this comfort: if your ex's behavior toward you really has been at fault, rest assured he will continue to behave that way towards future BFs. Therefore you don't need to "kick rebound boy to the curb" since your ex is probably already doing that to him, or soon will. Stay out of it, stay away.

    At least you seem to understand that some (or all) of this may be due to your own faults or shortcomings. Work on making yourself better, which is never a waste of time under any circumstances, and move onward and upward.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    May 23, 2010 4:27 PM GMT
    You need to move on. Otherwise, you're being a stalker.
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    May 23, 2010 9:52 PM GMT
    betterplan said
    Feedback? Be as brutally honest as you see fit.



    Yeah. I would not have asked for brutal honesty on here had I known what I was getting myself into. Ouch guys!

    I guess getting into details of his personality and how he functions doesn't matter because no one was there to see it but me.

    If the feelings he was showing me were not love than he has major issues that I don't think are even possible to overcome. I hope that's not true... for him.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 23, 2010 9:59 PM GMT
    Breathe .........

    Let It Go

    There now doesn't that feel better?

    and the next time you think that dating a guy who lives 300 miles away and has no car is possible
    Pinch yourself REALLY hard icon_rolleyes.gif
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    May 23, 2010 10:00 PM GMT
    ddrfeat said I suggest you move on and get over the guy and maybe in the process get a car because a guy without a car just sends all sorts of red flags for me.


    Maybe you should open your fucking brain to consider the lifestyle of men in different school, career, and family backgrounds than your own.

    There are a hell a lot of attractive, intelligent, and exciting men in this country who don't have cars... passing any one of them up for that reason alone would make you pretty foolish.
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    May 23, 2010 10:05 PM GMT
    ddrfeat said Build communication and trust early on and be truthful to yourself.


    Our first argument occurred the day after we met. Communication and trust were well established parts of our relationship that got us through some difficult situations created by dating and getting to know a person long distance. So, yes, good advice.