Why are there so many single gay guys who can't find a relationship?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2010 9:04 PM GMT
    Is it just me or do others feel the same way?
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    May 23, 2010 9:59 PM GMT
    I often ask myself the same question, though I don't know that there's a reasonable answer. Perhaps it has something to do with believing that "The One" is out there somewhere.
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    May 23, 2010 10:27 PM GMT
    ah.... I have the answer..

    Perfection dear.. yes dear, Perfection dear..

    the one they have is never "perfect" enough.. but that next guy.. oh he's far more "perfect" ya know.. sure, it's all in his head, but damn, he's that much more "perfect" less flaws "apparently" more "fun" easier to "get along with" bla bla bla

    hell, to be honest, I think most guys have forgotten what infatuation even is, you see soooo many couples (gay couples at that) moving in together after only a few months of dating, you see them trying to live a life of "perfection" everything is just right..

    Well, infatuation ends and eventually all your left with is the stark reality of truth and life, Yes, he farts in his sleep, aint so cute anymore when you can't breath hey, Yes, when he pees sometimes he misses the bowl, you can't over look at one anymore now can ya.. Yes, he eats with his mouth open and he slurps from the spoon, yup, that sound makes you want to bash his skull in, ooh and don't forget the general mess he leaves behind him, not so fun anymore hey, why does he always have to leave the shampoo bottle empty? can he not replace a toilet roll? why do his clothes never make it to the hamper? oh, look, he's snoring, can I suffocate him yet? cause that snoring suddenly aint so fucking sweet anymore.. oooh and why the fuck can't he be more assertive in bed?...

    Yeah, sweety, relationships, they are hard work.. no, let me change that a little, relationships are A LOT OF HARD WORK, they don't just happen like in the movies, they aren't just "perfect" like in the movies, there is no Prince Charming, men aren't "perfect" and most guys, they are so blinded by infatuation that they don't see the stark reality smacking them across the face until later, it takes work to have a relationship and most guys just aren't willing to put up with the drudgery after the sparkly newness has worn off because everyone seems to think that a relationship is just "magical" it's "easy" it's "perfect" it should "just happen"

    if only relationships were like that, but they aren't, relationships take a lot of hard work, sometimes painful hard work and sometimes, it takes A LOT OF HARD HARD WORK before it can really pay off, you have to suffer sometimes to truly learn of what you have and how awesome it is.

    But try finding a man that actually, truly, without any doubt, fully believes that, you'll find many who pay lip service to it, but, the greater majority don't actually believe that they are saying, in there head they are still imagining the movies idea of a relationship.

    Ask anyone who has been in (or is still in) a successful, long term, healthy relationship, they will tell you the same, it's hard work, lots of hard work, except, its the payoff that makes the work worth while for them, the hard work is easier for them because they understand, accept and are willing to do that hard work for what they are getting.
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    May 23, 2010 10:29 PM GMT
    ametroguy saidIs it just me or do others feel the same way?
    It's just you. I enjoy being single and wouldn't have it any other way. icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 23, 2010 10:35 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidI enjoy being single and wouldn't have it any other way. icon_biggrin.gif

    You're an anomaly. icon_wink.gif
  • KnuxNole

    Posts: 219

    May 23, 2010 10:56 PM GMT
    I think it's the numbers game...with 5% of the population, it's tough. Plus, it's a hidden minority, so you can't just walk out the door and meet guys easily compared to the straight counterpart(with regards to meeting girls).
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    May 23, 2010 11:05 PM GMT
    unfounded7 said
    paulflexes saidI enjoy being single and wouldn't have it any other way. icon_biggrin.gif

    You're an anomaly. icon_wink.gif
    True. It also seems to invoke reverse psychology. There's this one straight dude who's been throwing all kinds of hints like he wants to ditch his girl and be with me. As hot as he is, I just pretend to be oblivious to his hints. I'd rather go without sex than be stuck with only one person to have sex with. Now if he's up for 3+ways and/or open relationship, I might entertain that idea. icon_wink.gif
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    May 23, 2010 11:07 PM GMT
    KnuxNole saidI think it's the numbers game...with 5% of the population, it's tough. Plus, it's a hidden minority, so you can't just walk out the door and meet guys easily compared to the straight counterpart(with regards to meeting girls).
    Straights can't do it either. In fact, it's more difficult for straight guys. They have to play all these silly lovey dovey b/s games to woo the women into sexing them. Sometimes I feel sorry for straight guys. icon_lol.gif
  • KnuxNole

    Posts: 219

    May 23, 2010 11:28 PM GMT
    lol...gays don't have to usually deal with that? That's a relief, I don't like to guess what a guy wants, telling it like it is makes it easier for both dudes!
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    May 23, 2010 11:39 PM GMT
    Where I live there isn't a lot to choose from. I would just be happy with a date every now and then. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    May 23, 2010 11:40 PM GMT
    Most of the single gay guys I've met have some pretty serious issues from the get go. The only decent ones I've found still are dealing with a past relationship and (in my opinion) might need a bit more time alone and single with their thoughts before they are ready to take the plunge again.

    Then there are those single guys that seemingly have a serious committed ongoing relationship with one or both of their parents, where they have no real interest or ability in actually sharing a life with someone else other than their parent.

    However, sadly, I seem to be a lightening rod for the guys already in a relationship that want something on the side.....ick.
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    May 23, 2010 11:43 PM GMT
    im single but i dont know why.....maybe im doing something wrong. I know im not picky and i dont have any high out of this world demands or likes. Maybe its the city that i live in lol.
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    May 23, 2010 11:44 PM GMT
    because some guys are just very picky about their mates
    because some guys wanted a perfect trophy bf who are just like themselves
    because some guys are jaded queens who can't see the good in people
    because some guys want to find "The One"
    because some guys like to just sleep around and never commit
    because some guys just like to sleep and go after "bad" boys !!

    ... the list goes on and on! I think the key is - to compromise your standards and find that nice boy to date and settle down with when you are ready. icon_biggrin.gif
  • mtneerman

    Posts: 476

    May 23, 2010 11:47 PM GMT
    MagickBoy saidWhere I live there isn't a lot to choose from. I would just be happy with a date every now and then. icon_rolleyes.gif


    same here, and of those few chioces even fewer are even interested in a relationship.
  • DrewT

    Posts: 1327

    May 23, 2010 11:51 PM GMT
    Oh god! In my city there are about 5 gays my age (or fewer) so I don't have good pickin's and with little transport options, I'm stuck in single land. For me, that's okay, as I'm still working on getting my own shit together. Dates would be nice though!
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    May 23, 2010 11:52 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    unfounded7 said
    paulflexes saidI enjoy being single and wouldn't have it any other way. icon_biggrin.gif

    You're an anomaly. icon_wink.gif
    True. It also seems to invoke reverse psychology. There's this one straight dude who's been throwing all kinds of hints like he wants to ditch his girl and be with me. As hot as he is, I just pretend to be oblivious to his hints. I'd rather go without sex than be stuck with only one person to have sex with. Now if he's up for 3+ways and/or open relationship, I might entertain that idea. icon_wink.gif



    I would rather be single than be in a highly shideous relationship with a guy I can't even stand. I know a number of guys that have been in relationships for years where they actually loathe the other guy.

    Here's the pecking order in my mind, and the second one can at least be easy to maintain:

    1. Being happy and fulfilled in a loving committed relationship.
    2. Being a happy single.
    3. Being miserable in a relationship, even after you have spent months or years trying to make it a better relationship(counseling, etc).

    I am still very much LTR oriented, but I will not accept number 3 as an option. I guess you could call it high standards or "perfection" but I will not live or exist with someone that cannot treat me with the same semblance of love and respect I show him.
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    May 23, 2010 11:53 PM GMT
    I don't make myself available. I don't go out, don't have a job that puts me at interaction with people on a daily basis and don't feel I'm missing something that I have to go looking for. Am I opposed to a relationship? Absolutely not, I think they can be a wonderful thing. Am I in a willing position to change what currently works for me in my life to be in one? Hell no.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    May 23, 2010 11:55 PM GMT
    i think it's probably because you associate more in the gay community (have gay friends, go to gay bars/clubs, participate in gay online forums, etc.) and therefore it seems like all the gay guys are lonely and single, and while there are some that are (heck, im one of them), there are just as many singles with the same problem... they just don't have your ear like so many gays have.
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    May 23, 2010 11:59 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidah.... I have the answer..

    Perfection dear.. yes dear, Perfection dear..

    the one they have is never "perfect" enough.. but that next guy.. oh he's far more "perfect" ya know.. sure, it's all in his head, but damn, he's that much more "perfect" less flaws "apparently" more "fun" easier to "get along with" bla bla bla

    hell, to be honest, I think most guys have forgotten what infatuation even is, you see soooo many couples (gay couples at that) moving in together after only a few months of dating, you see them trying to live a life of "perfection" everything is just right..

    Well, infatuation ends and eventually all your left with is the stark reality of truth and life, Yes, he farts in his sleep, aint so cute anymore when you can't breath hey, Yes, when he pees sometimes he misses the bowl, you can't over look at one anymore now can ya.. Yes, he eats with his mouth open and he slurps from the spoon, yup, that sound makes you want to bash his skull in, ooh and don't forget the general mess he leaves behind him, not so fun anymore hey, why does he always have to leave the shampoo bottle empty? can he not replace a toilet roll? why do his clothes never make it to the hamper? oh, look, he's snoring, can I suffocate him yet? cause that snoring suddenly aint so fucking sweet anymore.. oooh and why the fuck can't he be more assertive in bed?...

    Yeah, sweety, relationships, they are hard work.. no, let me change that a little, relationships are A LOT OF HARD WORK, they don't just happen like in the movies, they aren't just "perfect" like in the movies, there is no Prince Charming, men aren't "perfect" and most guys, they are so blinded by infatuation that they don't see the stark reality smacking them across the face until later, it takes work to have a relationship and most guys just aren't willing to put up with the drudgery after the sparkly newness has worn off because everyone seems to think that a relationship is just "magical" it's "easy" it's "perfect" it should "just happen"

    if only relationships were like that, but they aren't, relationships take a lot of hard work, sometimes painful hard work and sometimes, it takes A LOT OF HARD HARD WORK before it can really pay off, you have to suffer sometimes to truly learn of what you have and how awesome it is.

    But try finding a man that actually, truly, without any doubt, fully believes that, you'll find many who pay lip service to it, but, the greater majority don't actually believe that they are saying, in there head they are still imagining the movies idea of a relationship.

    Ask anyone who has been in (or is still in) a successful, long term, healthy relationship, they will tell you the same, it's hard work, lots of hard work, except, its the payoff that makes the work worth while for them, the hard work is easier for them because they understand, accept and are willing to do that hard work for what they are getting.


    But what if there are those of us who are fine with all that? I'm not looking for perfection. My ex DID fart in his sleep. I had a king sized bed and he was constantly rolling onto my side and I was left practically hanging off the bed. He farted, he every once in a while talked in his sleep. He was military and had to be up at 4:30-5am every morning and I didn't have to get up til 8. And everything about him, I to this day find endearing. (We broke up because the military transferred him and we just couldn't do long distance).

    Anyway, I've been single for a while, not because I'm seeking perfection, but because I'm seeking something REAL. And a lot of gay men I've encountered, can't just be REAL.
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    May 24, 2010 12:04 AM GMT
    Good god he FARTED!? Well that's it I'm reporting him to be exterminated immediately from the human race.
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    May 24, 2010 12:41 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidah.... I have the answer..

    Perfection dear.. yes dear, Perfection dear..

    the one they have is never "perfect" enough.. but that next guy.. oh he's far more "perfect" ya know.. sure, it's all in his head, but damn, he's that much more "perfect" less flaws "apparently" more "fun" easier to "get along with" bla bla bla

    hell, to be honest, I think most guys have forgotten what infatuation even is, you see soooo many couples (gay couples at that) moving in together after only a few months of dating, you see them trying to live a life of "perfection" everything is just right..

    Well, infatuation ends and eventually all your left with is the stark reality of truth and life, Yes, he farts in his sleep, aint so cute anymore when you can't breath hey, Yes, when he pees sometimes he misses the bowl, you can't over look at one anymore now can ya.. Yes, he eats with his mouth open and he slurps from the spoon, yup, that sound makes you want to bash his skull in, ooh and don't forget the general mess he leaves behind him, not so fun anymore hey, why does he always have to leave the shampoo bottle empty? can he not replace a toilet roll? why do his clothes never make it to the hamper? oh, look, he's snoring, can I suffocate him yet? cause that snoring suddenly aint so fucking sweet anymore.. oooh and why the fuck can't he be more assertive in bed?...

    Yeah, sweety, relationships, they are hard work.. no, let me change that a little, relationships are A LOT OF HARD WORK, they don't just happen like in the movies, they aren't just "perfect" like in the movies, there is no Prince Charming, men aren't "perfect" and most guys, they are so blinded by infatuation that they don't see the stark reality smacking them across the face until later, it takes work to have a relationship and most guys just aren't willing to put up with the drudgery after the sparkly newness has worn off because everyone seems to think that a relationship is just "magical" it's "easy" it's "perfect" it should "just happen"

    if only relationships were like that, but they aren't, relationships take a lot of hard work, sometimes painful hard work and sometimes, it takes A LOT OF HARD HARD WORK before it can really pay off, you have to suffer sometimes to truly learn of what you have and how awesome it is.

    But try finding a man that actually, truly, without any doubt, fully believes that, you'll find many who pay lip service to it, but, the greater majority don't actually believe that they are saying, in there head they are still imagining the movies idea of a relationship.

    Ask anyone who has been in (or is still in) a successful, long term, healthy relationship, they will tell you the same, it's hard work, lots of hard work, except, its the payoff that makes the work worth while for them, the hard work is easier for them because they understand, accept and are willing to do that hard work for what they are getting.


    All of the above is why I haven't been in a relationship yet - No one I've met yet seems to grasp the concept or post-infatuous reality.

    This whole idea is perfectly illustrated by a dance piece Wade Robson choreographed, set to John Mayer's Slow Dancing In A Burning Room
    (Shortened one first, then uncut original below)





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    May 24, 2010 12:57 AM GMT
    LiftingHokie1980 said

    But what if there are those of us who are fine with all that? I'm not looking for perfection. My ex DID fart in his sleep. I had a king sized bed and he was constantly rolling onto my side and I was left practically hanging off the bed. He farted, he every once in a while talked in his sleep. He was military and had to be up at 4:30-5am every morning and I didn't have to get up til 8. And everything about him, I to this day find endearing. (We broke up because the military transferred him and we just couldn't do long distance).

    Anyway, I've been single for a while, not because I'm seeking perfection, but because I'm seeking something REAL. And a lot of gay men I've encountered, can't just be REAL.


    wow was farting one of the factors in breaking up with him? Clearly it is if you had to bring it up here. I'm trying really hard to think of something to say, but im just speechless about this. Did you flail your arms and scream whenever he burped? Or sneezed?
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    May 24, 2010 12:59 AM GMT
    NY guys are too picky for me. I enjoy single
  • Anto

    Posts: 2035

    May 24, 2010 1:02 AM GMT
    KnuxNole saidI think it's the numbers game...with 5% of the population, it's tough. Plus, it's a hidden minority, so you can't just walk out the door and meet guys easily compared to the straight counterpart(with regards to meeting girls).


    Isn't it even less than that if you are talking about male homosexuals and not male bisexuals and female homosexuals? Or does that percent only include male homosexuals?
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    May 24, 2010 1:03 AM GMT
    lilTanker said, "Ask anyone who has been in (or is still in) a successful, long term, healthy relationship, they will tell you the same, it's hard work, lots of hard work, except, its the payoff that makes the work worth while for them, the hard work is easier for them because they understand, accept and are willing to do that hard work for what they are getting."

    If both guys do the above the hard work doesn't feel like hard work at all. In fact you end up impressing the hell out of yourself and each other with your flexibility, empathy, desire to go that extra mile for your partner, etc.

    I think the reason so many gay men that would like to be in relationships and find themselves single is this equation told to me once a very long time ago.
    He originally said 1% but back then they didn't really know.
    Gays make up about 10% of the population. Of that 10%, 10% will find you attractive. Of that 10% that find you attractive, 10 % you will find attractive right back.

    So the trick is to meet many people. The odds go up, you become better at communicating, and that raises the odds even more in your favour. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug