Don't know how to respond to this....

  • Tritimium

    Posts: 261

    May 25, 2010 11:52 PM GMT
    Guys, I really don't have a clue what to think about this.

    My brother and his wife found my Myspace profile a few months ago through 123 People, and therein discovered my 'gay' orientation, rather embarrassingly. I didn't think my bro would come across it, because he's not on any social networking sites, but I underestimated his curiosity. Yes, I know, I'm dumb. Anyway, both he and my sister-in-law said they were fine about it, which was great, and they promised to keep it to themselves, which I was grateful for, because I was not ready to tell my family. (I changed my Myspace profile after that, to prevent it happening with any other family members.)

    Fast forward to Easter Day 2010, and my aunt (dad's sister) died that day from lung cancer, four distressing months after diagnosis. It was pretty horrible, especially for my parents, who had spent two weeks away from home at the other end of the country helping other relatives to care for my aunt.

    That very morning, my brother and sister-in-law had an argument or something, and my sister-in-law, in 'revenge', decided to text my mum with the words: "One of your sons is gay". She did this in full knowledge of my aunt's death.

    My dad told me all of this the night before my aunt's funeral, and I was absolutely speechless. It was a terrible thing to do, especially given the circumstances. My dad said he was furious with my sister-in-law - understandably so. It's not the first thing she's done to upset my parents, but this one took the biscuit, and he told her over the phone he doesn't want to speak to her ever again. I don't blame him. My parents have been nothing but kind to my sister-in-law, with zero in return.

    I didn't discuss it with my mum - it really wasn't the time or place.

    I put all this to the back of my mind until now. To be honest, at the moment I don't actually feel any emotions at all toward my sister-in-law. Just empty and numb. I don't know whether to be angry, forgiving, unforgiving, or what. Normally, I'm a very forgiving guy, but given what she did to my parents, and my dad's reaction, I just don't know. I expect I'll be seeing my brother in the next few weeks, and could really do with clearing the air on this one.

    What would you do?

    Incidentally, my dad actually did say a lot of kind things to me about my sexuality, which surprised me, and I'll probably talk to him about it again in the future - though I'm still working myself out. Mum is still asking about girlfriends....dunno what to do there. They're still getting over my aunt's death, so it's still not a good time to be discussing it, really. In time.

    Thanks in advance for any feedback.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2010 12:17 AM GMT
    Well - - I'm all for forgiveness because I believe it is a good, positive thing to do - both for you (the wronged) and for the person who wronged you. Before I could totally forgive your sister-in-law however, I'd want to hear her sincere apology. She owes you and your parents an apology. What she did was spiteful, mean spirited and intended to cause disharmony in your family.

    That's my answer for you. Others will have differing points of view. Let us know what you decide to do after you've had more time to consider all of the feedback you'll be receiving. Best of everything to you.
  • JayDT

    Posts: 390

    May 26, 2010 12:56 AM GMT
    Wow your sis in law is a piece of work! If I were you, I would calmly approach her, tell her what a dispicable thing that was to do to you and your parents at such a delicate time. Tell her you want nothing more to do with her (if that's true) and leave it at that. Don't argue with her. Don't raise your voice. Just be matter of fact that her behaviour was unacceptable and you aren't going to tolerate it. As for your parents, while it might be difficult for them innitially, it sounds like they are genuinely keen to be in your life and that they love you. You will know when the time is right.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2010 1:12 AM GMT
    Put on a rubber glove and slappa bitch sweet heart!!!

    they probably think it's your brother whos gay all things considered, I mean, being vindictive, why say "one of your sons is gay", she was trying to throw your brothers sexuality into doubt, not so much yours.

    there is never a right time, if your father seems okay with it, allow him to know, your mother will continue in her pesky ways of asking for grandkids, she'll do that until you tell her, all mothers do though hahaha, I want grandkids, where are my grandkids, why do I not have grandkids yet hahaha gotta love'em, they are very single minded icon_razz.gif

  • nessthing

    Posts: 68

    May 26, 2010 1:23 AM GMT
    Very mature sister-in-law you have there. Texting your parents to out you for selfish reasons during a family crisis after already outing your Myspace to your brother.

    It could be a blessing in disguise though, if you're getting good vibes about "the gay" from your father. It took a similar Myspace-related outing to get me to come out to my extended family, and I feel closer to them as a result.

    Still, don't send her any banana bread for Christmas or anything. That's not an acceptable thing to do to family, and you should let her know in a responsible way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2010 1:26 AM GMT
    Dude, deep down, your parents knew or suspected. Your brother obviously did because he was searching online.

    I would let your brother and sister in law know how you felt about it. She did that with malicious intent to hurt your mother. She's a piece of work, and if your brother is willing to stick around with someone who does that he has made his choice. You did mention she has done stuff like that before.

    Remember, that was an attack on your mother more than you. What a bitch!
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 26, 2010 1:30 AM GMT
    I think you're at the point where you need to stop listening to crazy in-laws or what your family might think and start listening to yourself. Do you think it's time to come out to them? You obviously have your brother's support; perhaps you can speak to him as he might be able to get some insight as to what your parents do or do not know.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2010 1:38 AM GMT
    Well I basically had the same thing happen to me. My Sister-in-law seen my myspace profile and I added her (the only family member that I would). I never told her to begin with but was easy to fiugre out after seeing my friends. She then just one day sent me an email and asked if I was gay. Well I didn't respond for a few weeks and then we talked.

    She never told my mom but my brother and her talked and they were like we knew just wanted to see when you would tell us. She never used it against me and I love her for that.

    I also agree that we need to forgive but that doesn't mean I would ever trust the sister-in-law again. Maybe in time that would change but after her doing that it would be hard. I would talk to my brother and express to him what has happened. I know he knows but he also needs to understand where you are coming from.

    Keep your chin up.
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    May 26, 2010 2:47 AM GMT
    I don't think you have to do anything here. This was directed at your parents, so I'd take my cues from how they treat her in the future.

    As for your relationship to her, I would probably try to forgive her betraying your confidence, but never trust her with confidential info again.

    The sooner you come to terms with your sexuality, the better and less vulnerable you will feel. Once you are there, get tight with your dad, he seems like a great guy. Come out to him when you feel the time is right.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2010 3:10 AM GMT
    If you ever talk to the bitchster-in-law again, let her know that her little stunt accomplished two things - it made you finally have the conversation with your parents which needed to happen, but should have happened on your volition - and it helps both your parents and you to see what a nasty person she is. In an attempt to harm all of you, she has really just unmasked her insensitivity and pettiness - and probably damaged her relationship with her husband is a way that won't really ever heal.

    No one in the family will trust her with private information, ever. She has cut herself off.

    If she does apologize, don't accept it. Tell her that you thank her for admitting she was wrong, but that she's going to have to earn your good graces back. She needs to be a good person toward your bother, you and your parents and at some point when she's been polite, considerate and helpful enough - you'll feel it - you'll feel like she's part of the family again. And only at that point will you really accept her apology and you'll let her know.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2010 3:46 AM GMT
    i'll only comment on the first part, cuz the rest is just she's a cunt...

    did you really think noone in your family would ever find your online profiles????? other than the fact that i didnt realize people still had myspace, its going to come up if they search, thats a given...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2010 4:18 AM GMT
    I would cunt punt your sister-in-law....but anyways...


    I say just wait, til your mother is over grieving her loss....then take her to dinner then chit chat, blah blah come out, then wait for whichever emotion comes out, then blah blah again :i....if all fails abort immedietly & explain to your mother it was only a joke (im kidding here :d )
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2010 7:27 PM GMT
    JockBod is right. But pretty amazingly cruel stunt to play.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2010 7:36 PM GMT
    Don't ever lower yourself to her level again. What a CUNT!!!! And feel free to show her the responses here.
  • Thegenuineart...

    Posts: 127

    May 27, 2010 7:41 PM GMT
    Your sister in law should give a speach like apology, adressed not only to you but the whole family, she should have to under go the embarassment of achknowledging what a spiteful cunt she seems to be.

    other then that I wouldn't forgive her, people like that deserve to be spit on and thrown out like last weeks garbage
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2010 7:42 PM GMT
    Just discuss it with your brother in a calm way. Keep your relationship with him intact. Suggest not to discuss with his wife or even give her the time of day. Just be aloof and pretend she doesn't even exist. That's your best revenge.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2010 7:58 PM GMT
    socalfitness saidJust discuss it with your brother in a calm way. Keep your relationship with him intact. Suggest not to discuss with his wife or even give her the time of day. Just be aloof and pretend she doesn't even exist. That's your best revenge.


    I agree. Talk to your brother and make sure he knows all the details of what his cunt wife did to you, to your mother and to your whole family. Then let him deal with his wife. If I were you I wouldn't deal with her at all - she's your brothers problem and he will have to deal with her on his own.

    You will have to deal with your parents when the time is right. Try to maintain a relationship with your brother but be prepared that he may decide to support his cunt wife rather than you on this one. Put your cunt sister-in-law out of your life; don't talk to her or go to anyplace she might be.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2010 8:07 PM GMT
    I'm personallly not all for this forgiveness stuff, but go ahead and forgive her if you want and it will make you feel better but remember foregiveness does NOT set things right nor does it have to... in other words

    BLESS HER AND SEND HER ON HER WAY
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2010 8:19 PM GMT
    The internet is a small place and Google is not your friend.
    For your sister-in-law the first thing that comes to my mind is to just ignore her in future. Revenge or giving her a piece of your mind is probably not helpful. However, you should talk to your brother about this. It could make future family gatherings awkward and depending how things develop between you and your in-law, it might be difficult for him if he has to take sides.

    You haven't said why you haven't told your parents about your sexuality. Is there actually a reason for this or did you just not find the right moment? Your dad seems to be cool about it, why not your mum? Maybe wait a few more weeks and then tell her, if you're afraid she will find out otherwise.

    Quite often parents suspect it anyway, even if they keep asking about girlfriends. I never had a coming out conversation with my parents and they knew it all the time. They actually already suspected I was gay when I wasn't sure myself and was dating on both sides of the fence.
  • Tritimium

    Posts: 261

    May 27, 2010 10:43 PM GMT
    Very many thanks for your input on this, guys. It's much appreciated.

    I think I'm going to go with the advice of talking to my brother, first. Perhaps after that I might talk to the sister-in-law, but make it very clear to her that she's got a lot of work to do to earn the respect of the family again.

    I'm also tempted to ask my brother to remove my parents' phone numbers from her phone - I really don't want her doing anything like this ever again, it was way too cruel to them.

    To answer the question of why I put my orientation on MySpace in the first place - I set up that profile shortly after admitting to myself that I'm probably gay, specifically in the hope of finding gay friends in my local area, because I really needed to talk to gay people at that time. (Facebook is my main social network site.) I carefully weighed up the pros and cons....and, it was about a year after setting up the profile that my bro found it. But yes, I can understand why people would think it was dumb, but I did have reasons!

    As for talking to my parents properly about my sexuality - well, I didn't until that point because:

    A) The last 15 months have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, to be honest, and I was trying to wait until I was more accepting of my sexuality before having a potentially painful talk with my parents.

    B) I'm not sure where on the homo spectrum I fall. I suppressed all aspects of my sexuality until I was 24 - didn't date anyone or anything before that. So it was kinda like the Thames Barrier opening, if you catch my drift. Until I'm more sure of where I am - it's pretty difficult to describe it to close relatives.

    C) This is the biggest reason - I thought my parents were pretty homophobic, given some of the comments that have been bandied about over the years, some of which I remember from when I was about 12, and which worried me a lot. I mentioned this to my dad when he told me about my sister-in-law's text, and he was somewhat taken aback, but reassured me that he, at least, was only joking, and that, at 64, and having been in the Navy and stuff, he had seen it all before. He encouraged me to talk to him about these things, and said he was proud of me and loved me for who I am and didn't care whom I dated, as long as I was happy, which was touching.

    I must admit I did feel a renewed closeness to my dad that evening. The last few years I've felt ever more distanced from him - unsure of myself and painfully afraid of doing something he (and my mum) might disapprove of. I mean, I call my parents most days, but almost felt I was leading a double life, trying to shield them from things I thought they wouldn't like to hear. I mean - I'm still not going to tell them the minute details of my private life! But I do know they are willing to share their experiences. I don't give them enough credit, really.

    As for my mum - I'm still not sure. I don't really want to label myself just for convenience. Somehow, whilst my mum would probably say similar things to my dad, and would be quite genuine in that, I do think, deep down, that a part of her heart might break if I said I were gay. I would rather wait and see whom I might (if ever!) fall in love with, and introduce him/her once I'm in a stable relationship. I really do want to be absolutely sure on this one.

    Hope that addresses your respective questions and curiosities!!!

    Many thanks again for your input, I'm very grateful.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2010 10:54 PM GMT
    Based on your comments, I think you are doing the right thing. You seem to be very mature and have a good head on your shoulders.
  • josephmovie

    Posts: 533

    May 27, 2010 10:59 PM GMT
    If you do feel the need to talk to your sister in law keep the emphasis on her timimg. She clearly wants to shame you and hurt/shame your parents over the gay thing. Make her lack of sensitivity over the timimg the focus.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2010 12:21 AM GMT
    Until you're sure what to say to anybody, don't say anything that will "burn bridges". It's better to keep silent, or be absent, until you're confident in what you want to say and mean it.

    Take the higher road in any case.

    Seek out a counselor or therapist to help you find your own inner bearings AND to work though your preferred course of action with each family member...including your sister-in-law. She is family through your brother's choice. One day you may have a partner/husband/wife and I'm sure you want your partner/husband/wife to be fully accepted as sister-in-law has been accepted.

    How your family members respond to your sister-in-law's poor choice of action is their choice. Don't get involved in that. Your choice on how you relate and respond to her is fully your choice.

    When in doubt...wait. More shall be revealed.

    Good luck working this through. I think you'll do fine.

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    May 28, 2010 12:39 AM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidWell - - I'm all for forgiveness because I believe it is a good, positive thing to do - both for you (the wronged) and for the person who wronged you. Before I could totally forgive your sister-in-law however, I'd want to hear her sincere apology. She owes you and your parents an apology. What she did was spiteful, mean spirited and intended to cause disharmony in your family.



    I agree with Jockbod...what she did speaks volumes as to her own integrity, or lack there of. The next time you have any alone time with her, I'd simply look her square in the eyes and ask her point blank what she hoped to gain by this malicious stunt. Let her know that her actions didn't win her any points with anyone, then drop it.