The Real Reason Why So Many Gay Men Are Single

  • italguynj

    Posts: 250

    May 27, 2010 8:33 PM GMT
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mike-alvear/the-real-reason-why-so-ma_b_590596.html

    Thoughts?
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    May 27, 2010 9:27 PM GMT
    Has anyone ever wonder how badly wired gay men are!? we think we are more sensitive or are in better touch to the feminine side then the average straight man, and we are no different, if not probably even worse then straight men are!


    Leandro
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    May 27, 2010 9:29 PM GMT
    Mike Alevar said
    The Real Reason Why So Many Gay Men Are Single

    The Dewey Decimal system can't compartmentalize love and sex the way gay men can.

    Like a lot of gay men, I seem to be stuck doing guys I don't want to date and dating guys I don't want to do.

    Take this guy I met playing volleyball. We went up to block a shot and we both fell down. We had a "Love Boat" moment when I grabbed his hand to help him up. There were wedding platters in his eyes. There were bedposts in mine.

    So we went on a date. Or rather, he went on a date. I went on a hunt. The guy was my type the way Arial is the New Yorker's type: Easy on the eyes, making you impatient to get to the end. But as much as I liked him sexually, I didn't feel any other connection. And thus, I was hurled into the basic gay dating dilemma: Do you have sex with someone you're physically but not emotionally attracted to?

    The answer, of course, is yes. Oh, God, yes. But the problem with bedding someone who wants a wedding is the pain created by mismatched intentions.

    I remember him saying, "Let's do something, dinner, a movie."

    "I can't really do anything until eleven o'clock," I'd tell him.

    "Well, you can't do anything at eleven o'clock at night on a weekday except have sex and go to sleep," he'd say.

    *"Exactly,"* I'd say to myself.

    And so, whenever he asked me out he'd hear a knock on his door around eleven. Once your inner pig comes out, it's hard to coax him back in.

    He eventually broke it off, as he should have. I wasn't the bad guy but I wasn't doing him any good either. When you fall in love with someone who just wants to fall in bed it's time to call it quits. I know; I've been on the receiving end of it, too.

    Then there's the other side: the guys you want to date but not do. They're the worst. Because they make you realize what a nutcase you are.

    Like this guy, "Ted." I loved everything about him except his body. I tried to do the chick thing -- you know, have sex with a guy even though you're not physically attracted to them because they're kind and smart and loving and that's what you want in a man so what's a few minutes of Ugh-ness.

    Well, it didn't take. I tried but I just couldn't do it. I even invoked the "Three Date Rule" to buy some time to let my emotional attraction morph into sexual desire.

    I don't know how women do it, but if I'm not attracted to a guy physically I can't have sex with them no matter how emotionally attracted I am to them. I guess that's the main difference between men and women. For men, intimacy is a consequence of sex; for women it's a pre-requisite.

    Maybe that's why so many of us gay men are single for so long. If we could direct our sexual desire from physical to the emotional we'd lead more fulfilled lives.

    But how do we do it? Too bad we can't call up biological electricians and have them re-wire us. The truth is that it's beyond easy to find someone you want to date AND do. The problem is that those guys generally don't want to date and do you.

    When you're gay, being single is never because you haven't found the right guy. It's that your "Mr. Right" thinks you're "Mr. Fright." Poetic justice, really. For every man you reject there's a man that rejected you. On and on, the cycle goes unbroken.

    Dating would be so much simpler if our sexual desire obeyed our emotional attachments. Until they do, hope, like a certain body part, will spring eternal.


    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mike-alvear/the-real-reason-why-so-ma_b_590596.html

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    May 27, 2010 9:46 PM GMT
    Might as well just date someone who you are both physically/emotionally attracted to, might be tougher to find but they definitely exist.
    I find women put up with it because eventually they have kids(in most scenario), and sex just become less and less frequent between the couple, so they don't have to 'suffer' for too long if they are not attracted to their men@@
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    May 27, 2010 10:11 PM GMT
    yeah, and women don't have to 'get-it-up' either.
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    May 27, 2010 11:09 PM GMT
    OMG! I have the 3 date rule too! I thought that was just me and all my friends laugh about it, but it's true!

    I was just wondering the same thing because I just broke it off with a guy who was physically attractive and he said he emotionally wanted something more which I thought I bagged a good one and sure enough, nope. The guy was a compulsive liar as he chatted away online with other guys about their cock size and what not. (Makes me vomit just thinking about it really).

    I can find attraction in most men by focusing on their good traits, but then I feel like I'm settling. Or if they are sexually attractive and capable of being in a committed relationship, they tend to be mentally unstable, such as being too needy, or lying, or bipolar, etc.

    I do know that men are not built to be with one person. We are wired to breed and populate the world. But, because we're gay, we all like sex and knowing that if we commit, we don't get that luxury (to have sex with multiple partners). Open couples seem to make it longer because they know they are not limited. They have the best of both worlds, but then in my mind, I don't like that idea because I don't want my partner coming back home and then giving me syphilis, gonorrhea, crabs or HIV.

    I came on this forum to ask, why are good looking men who are open to being committed hard to find???? I just don't get it!!!

    Well, till the right man for me comes along, I'll just keep working and waiting. icon_smile.gif

    And if you read to the end of this novel, congratulations! You get a free dinner with me!

    No...not really. But thanks for reading! icon_smile.gif
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    May 28, 2010 4:10 AM GMT
    I can relate to this as we all can. I've been in all 4 of the situations Mike Alvear described:

    1. The guy that falls for the dude quickly because he's attractive and really cool
    2. The guy that just wants to have sex with the guy but not date him for whatever reason
    3. The guy that wants to date the guy that I'm not attracted to physically but just can't do it
    4. The (too skinny) guy that is not physically attractive to the guy I wanna date

    But the best advice I got is from my best (gay) friend and even members on this site:
    Become the person you want to attract and he will find you...If you want an outgoing guy, become outgoing yourself. If you want a guy with a hot body, hit the gym yourself and get in shape, etc...Do things that interest you and you will meet guys interested in the same.
  • KnuxNole

    Posts: 219

    May 28, 2010 4:15 AM GMT
    Although that is good advice, wouldn't it be better to be yourself regardless? I mean, coming from a shy and non-muscular dude...I would rather be me than become insanely outgoing or lift weights like crazy to become something I don't care about only to "impress".

    Also, it's possible to still satisfy a guy's sexual desire with one partner. I don't think needing an open relationship is required to stop a dead sex drive. Guys are definitely wired for sex, so having sex with the guy you love seems more meaningful icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 28, 2010 4:16 AM GMT
    From what I've seen online and offline, there's more than one reason why so many gay men are single. Some of these reasons are commendable and others are downright selfish. But if staying single keeps you happy, then that's good enough icon_cool.gif
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    May 28, 2010 4:20 AM GMT
    thank jesus...i now have an excuse for why im single.
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    May 28, 2010 4:22 AM GMT
    Well, this part,
    " And thus, I was hurled into the basic gay dating dilemma: Do you have sex with someone you're physically but not emotionally attracted to?"
    And so, whenever he asked me out he'd hear a knock on his door around eleven. Once your inner pig comes out, it's hard to coax him back in.

    He eventually broke it off, as he should have.
    "

    ...was tacky, because the author thinks it was up to the other guy to break it off, when he knew right from the get-go this: " Do you have sex with someone you're physically but not emotionally attracted to?

    ...when he also knew this: "We had a "Love Boat" moment when I grabbed his hand to help him up. There were wedding platters in his eyes. There were bedposts in mine."

    ...so really the author should have immediately put on the brakes to spare a whole lotta heartache. He should have ended it, or better yet, not pursued it.
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    May 28, 2010 4:25 AM GMT
    i just got out of an abusive and controling relationship, all he did was put me down, put my family down,take my money and say hes saving it

    so now im Single and lookin
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    May 28, 2010 4:25 AM GMT
    meninlove said Well, this part,
    " And thus, I was hurled into the basic gay dating dilemma: Do you have sex with someone you're physically but not emotionally attracted to?"
    And so, whenever he asked me out he'd hear a knock on his door around eleven. Once your inner pig comes out, it's hard to coax him back in.

    He eventually broke it off, as he should have.
    "

    ...was tacky, because the author thinks it was up to the other guy to break it off, when he knew right from the get-go this: " Do you have sex with someone you're physically but not emotionally attracted to?

    ...when he also knew this: "We had a "Love Boat" moment when I grabbed his hand to help him up. There were wedding platters in his eyes. There were bedposts in mine."

    ...so really the author should have immediately put on the brakes to spare a whole lotta heartache. He should have ended it, or better yet, not pursued it.



    He just wanted to give it a try maybe, i've done that, it didnt work out...but in the end i gave a not so goodlooking guy a pretty decent night..icon_wink.gif
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    May 28, 2010 4:27 AM GMT
    bigkevc saidi just got out of an abusive and controling relationship, all he did was put me down, put my family down,take my money and say hes saving it

    so now im Single and lookin


    Being single can also be a good time for a person to rebuild himself, to prepare for the next relationship. Just be careful as you search again man.
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    May 28, 2010 4:27 AM GMT
    meninlove said Well, this part,
    " And thus, I was hurled into the basic gay dating dilemma: Do you have sex with someone you're physically but not emotionally attracted to?"
    And so, whenever he asked me out he'd hear a knock on his door around eleven. Once your inner pig comes out, it's hard to coax him back in.

    He eventually broke it off, as he should have.
    "

    ...was tacky, because the author thinks it was up to the other guy to break it off, when he knew right from the get-go this: " Do you have sex with someone you're physically but not emotionally attracted to?

    ...when he also knew this: "We had a "Love Boat" moment when I grabbed his hand to help him up. There were wedding platters in his eyes. There were bedposts in mine."

    ...so really the author should have immediately put on the brakes to spare a whole lotta heartache. He should have ended it, or better yet, not pursued it.


    Good observation...But Is it less tacky if you let the other guy know from the start that you just want sex even though he's interested in more? Letting the other guy know the situation from the start?
  • Abc123456

    Posts: 336

    May 28, 2010 4:27 AM GMT
    This article's kinda dumb.

    Yeah, the second part is totally on the button. If i'm not attracted to a guy physically, he might as well be a girl... but the first part... attraction includes emotional attraction. The guy's bedding his partners without having any interest in who they are. If a guy is super hot, but he's a dud upstairs or in the chemistry department... then he becomes unattractive. I'd say the guy didn't give him a chance... he had his goal, and didn't try to work toward anything. SO, he was just bad relationship material...

    AND that's ok, but he just needs to recognize that; and tell the guys he's dating, "i'm not really in this for love", instead of playing the piper and leading his dateeeeees on, and on.

    But mannnnn...when attraction and emotions link up, it's fucking magic!
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    May 28, 2010 4:36 AM GMT
    Steel231 said
    bigkevc saidi just got out of an abusive and controling relationship, all he did was put me down, put my family down,take my money and say hes saving it

    so now im Single and lookin


    Being single can also be a good time for a person to rebuild himself, to prepare for the next relationship. Just be careful as you search again man.



    im very careful on who i talk to, the problem is theres not very many Gays near me though icon_sad.gif seems like all the nice people are across the country or in other surrounding States is it just me or does CT have a huge snob population, although i do like Linda Mcmahon shes running for US House of Reps
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    May 28, 2010 4:37 AM GMT
    You are a man. You have no feminine side.

    Needn't think this is exclusive territory for the homosexual male. There are many heterosexual relationships where one person wants something completely different than the other person - physically and/or emotionally. It is just a human thing. This article made sweeping assumptions and generalizations about people of different genders and sexualities. In the end, we are all humans with fundamental similarities and basic needs and we are all individuals with very profound differences and unique desires. If you want a relationship, you have to bridge that gap through compromise. And if not, well, at least have some fun trying to find the ideal mate. icon_twisted.gif
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    May 28, 2010 4:45 AM GMT
    Indy404 said, ".But Is it less tacky if you let the other guy know from the start that you just want sex even though he's interested in more? Letting the other guy know the situation from the start?"


    Bingo!

    If he had, though, the other guy's visions of wedding platters would likely have evaporated in a second (and probably the desire to get intimate) and you know, the author's intent was to get the guy in the sack. He still should have given the other guy the goods up front. You're right on the money there!
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    May 28, 2010 4:46 AM GMT
    I'm not entirely sure what to think about the article. I can understand the author's viewpoints, but it's a little too broad and over-generalized.

    I agree that for there to be an unmistakable attraction, both physical and emotional connections must happen. However, I don't think that that is the defining characteristic of the relationship status of gay men.

    A lot of us have preconceived notions in our minds about what our "true love" is supposed to be like. We fantasize about his physical attributes (Gotta have that 16-pack!), mental characteristics (I want him to be able to impress me with his knowledge of Shakespeare and auto repair), and mannerisms (He's GOTTA be masculine - none of this fem cap). When you set the standards high, who's going to be able to fucking meet them?

    I'm single, but not because I want to be. I want a healthy, loving relationship with a man who is active, attractive, and alive on all accounts. But, I don't fit the bill of what he wants. So, he skips me. Now, I used to be butt-hurt about that, but now I just don't give a fuck. I have the capacity to provide a lot to a relationship and if he passes me over because I don't meet the specifications in his paradigm, his loss. Let him keep looking.
  • Abc123456

    Posts: 336

    May 28, 2010 5:04 AM GMT
    Maybe THAT's the problem? We're all so complacent and ok with rejection that we fly low because we've stopped caring. It's like, "whatever, he's probably not that into me". I rarely actively pursue someone... if i do, it's brief...and I don't know if it's my fault that (since my last LTR over a year and a half ago) i rarely last past a 4th date, or if it's just my maturity...that said, I have a few toll booths built that must be passed in order to prevent a repeat of past relationships.

    Personally, I just don't care anymore. Chemistry should be easy and I'm tired of fighting a fight before the game even begins. I'm single because I'm lazy...and picky; sorry, i mean, and have high standards: a job, a gym routine, and a clever brain. That shit is HARD to find ;)
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    May 28, 2010 5:09 AM GMT
    NoSuchPerson saidYou are a man. You have no feminine side.

    Since when do men have no feminine side?
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    May 28, 2010 5:13 AM GMT
    SC_Rider saidA lot of us have preconceived notions in our minds about what our "true love" is supposed to be like. We fantasize about his physical attributes (Gotta have that 16-pack!), mental characteristics (I want him to be able to impress me with his knowledge of Shakespeare and auto repair), and mannerisms (He's GOTTA be masculine - none of this fem cap). When you set the standards high, who's going to be able to fucking meet them?


    Yeah, all of us that whine about wanting a relationship have a laundry list of standards and prerequisites that are pretty impossible for one man to meet, and thats even assuming that we meet HIS laundry list of standards and prerequisites.


    dash3echo saidI rarely actively pursue someone... if i do, it's brief...and I don't know anymore if it's my fault that (since my last LTR over a year and a half ago) i rarely last past a 4th date


    I don't really pursue guys that much until they show interest in me. Initially I figured that if they're showing interest and they know I'm not a slut, that MUST mean that they're not just looking for sex...Let's just say I always figure wrong...LOL. It turns out that if you are not a slut, you become MORE attractive to those that are...
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    May 28, 2010 5:16 AM GMT
    Fly4AWhiteGuy saidOMG! I have the 3 date rule too! I thought that was just me and all my friends laugh about it, but it's true!

    I was just wondering the same thing because I just broke it off with a guy who was physically attractive and he said he emotionally wanted something more which I thought I bagged a good one and sure enough, nope. The guy was a compulsive liar as he chatted away online with other guys about their cock size and what not. (Makes me vomit just thinking about it really).

    I can find attraction in most men by focusing on their good traits, but then I feel like I'm settling. Or if they are sexually attractive and capable of being in a committed relationship, they tend to be mentally unstable, such as being too needy, or lying, or bipolar, etc.

    I do know that men are not built to be with one person. We are wired to breed and populate the world. But, because we're gay, we all like sex and knowing that if we commit, we don't get that luxury (to have sex with multiple partners). Open couples seem to make it longer because they know they are not limited. They have the best of both worlds, but then in my mind, I don't like that idea because I don't want my partner coming back home and then giving me syphilis, gonorrhea, crabs or HIV.

    I came on this forum to ask, why are good looking men who are open to being committed hard to find???? I just don't get it!!!

    Well, till the right man for me comes along, I'll just keep working and waiting. icon_smile.gif

    And if you read to the end of this novel, congratulations! You get a free dinner with me!

    No...not really. But thanks for reading! icon_smile.gif



    So I saw your picture with what turns out to be dog tags on your chest, and I scratched the screen for a while cause I thought there was something there.
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    May 28, 2010 5:17 AM GMT
    It's just the choices a guy makes, can be many reasons.