Gay Men and Dating..Why does this happen?!?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2007 12:46 AM GMT
    Hi guys. When I weighed over 300 pounds, no guy EVER looked at me. Once I got down to my current size, I'm considered hot and such, which is funny to me.

    The thing is, I thought being better looking would get me a boyfriend. Instead, it made guys ONLY focus on my body and face. I've become invisible.

    Why can't guys like someone for the inside and not rely solely on the outside? I've never gone out w/ one genuine guy and that hurts. I'm a good guy and people only care about how I look.
    What do I do? Is there anything I can really do?

    I swear, if I were fat again, I'd be ignored. Guys always see my "before" pics and say, "I would have dated you then", which is a total lie.

    I'm 23 and never ever had a boyfriend. Is this what I have to look forward to?
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    May 28, 2007 12:49 AM GMT
    I completely understand what you're trying to get at. Gay guys are typically like pit bulls with a steak in front of them. There is nothing more pathetic than a shallow person. It is really hard to find a guy that has depth to him. Good luck finding him...well good luck to both of us. Haha
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    May 28, 2007 2:28 AM GMT
    I hear you... other than my first boyfriend, every one has been focused on my looks and not my personality. Ive dumped all of them in under two weeks. It seems like the only difference between your circumstances and mine is that I am oblivious to warning signs untill I realize that Im being treated like a piece of meat.

    I have no real answer for you. Just keep your head up high and don't let people get to you. I have an incredible amount of respect for you for not just joining in with the shallow people. If you look, love will find you... eventualy.
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    May 28, 2007 2:31 AM GMT
    Thanks man..yeah, I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong..like, I've NEVER had a boyfriend..not even close..if i dont sleep w/ them, they leave..if i do, they leave..what to do? lol.
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    May 28, 2007 5:10 AM GMT
    i know exactly what your talking about. Oh, and the WORST is when the guys pick up line is "your hot, I'm into ethnic guys" real smooth...NOT.
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    May 28, 2007 5:13 AM GMT
    lol omg i know right? HAHA..guys LOVE that im multiracial..it's like i'm some animal at a zoo..im EXOTIC to them..that's a big turn off.
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    May 28, 2007 7:45 AM GMT
    Well, first off, you're only 23. Why are you so desperate to have a boyfriend? Maybe guys don't want to be with someone who is dead set on getting married.

    Relax, give it time, develop some interests, work out who you are, start feeling happy with yourself.

    There are lots of genuine guys out there but you have to kiss a few frogs on the way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2007 8:10 AM GMT
    I use to be thin, then becoming fat (111 kilogram) at my maximun, after that becoming in shape again. Just like you , during my thin days a lot of guys hang around me for physical attraction only. Those are the days, that I have one night stand nearly every other night. It really doenst matter then because I also am interested in getting laid only.

    However when I became overweight and reaching my late thirties , I seem to attracted all this younger kids that are into chub chaser and fat fellow. Now that I am thin again and older I find out they are interested with me because they are into older and mature fellow and yes ,my money.

    It really difficult to find a date that interested in my personality.I guess it fact that gay men will alway go for physical attraction above anything else. Some lonely night I think maybe I should date a girl , not because I am sexually attracted to them , but maybe they are different and start looking at my personality.

    Anyway , I do believe that guy is there . Just a matter of finding him.

    Just a comment , as far a interracial dating is concern and white guys treating a non white as some exotic creature. Maybe you guy some come here in Asia. Over here it is the white guy that are treated like that. If only a white men enter a gay disco, a bunch of Asian will pretty much throw themself at him. It really sickening to see an eighteen years old Asian kids, making out with an overweight white guys in thier fifties. He old enough to be him grandfather. This kids are a not interested in his personality but because he is a white men.
    Just go for a walk at a beach in Phuket, some gay places in Bangkok or gay discos in other Asian capital if you dont believe me.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    May 28, 2007 12:22 PM GMT
    Yes...it's the way of the gay world
    gay men like sexy guys
    sorry...but thats reality
    BUT...there is a spectrum of what is sexy
    some guys like smooth twinks some like lean muscular guys and some like ethnic men...and on and on
    There's a guy for everybody
    but don't hang out in bars and whine that guys only like me for my looks
    ...what are supposed to ask you you SAT scores?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2007 12:51 PM GMT
    To GQjock

    Where else can I meet other gay men beside this places?. Certainly not at my work places. Even if you look for them in online , they could turn out to be another person looking for sex . The problem with us is we dont have the same freedom as our straight friend. They can meet people everywhere at work, during shopping ,even in places of worship. Gay men have to be careful who they approach .
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    May 28, 2007 3:10 PM GMT
    I don't think ALL guys are JUST focused on the outside. I mean, a lot are, but most guys strive for a balance of looks and personality and where one might be lacking in one area they make up for in another. That's what I look for, which is why I have never had a b/f! haha
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    May 28, 2007 3:20 PM GMT
    First your 23, and yes I am 22 but the biggest turnoff is someone that is desperate for a boyfriend. Be happy being single and you will start to attract a different kind of guy

    second, it sounds like you are looking in all the wrong places. If you go to clubs and bars yes those guys are generally going to be interested in your looks and a one night stand. and don't tell me you can't meet guys in other places. every guy I have dated or who has been my boyfriend in the last 2+ years was met someplace other than a bar or club. Generally through a friend (the best way).

    Third, People are going to be attracted to your looks. Would you date someone that you think is fat and ugly?? It's a harsh reality but it isn't only a gay one. pretty straight people get more dates too. Look around the tall skinny blonde chick almost always has a date or three the short fat whatever chick is generally at home with her frito lays. People are going to be attracted to you for your looks and then they will get to know your personality. Looks are easy to see and a good indicator of whether you will be interested. If I see an in shape person who takes care of themself and dresses well, I will be interested in talking to them. chances are we have some of the same interest, a healthy lifestyle for one.
  • Kharlo109

    Posts: 164

    May 28, 2007 4:52 PM GMT
    I learned that lesson the hard way. Being overweight meant I was invisible and after losing the weight and getting in shape, most guys I meet just wanna get in my pants.

    Biologically, it makes sense that people would want to go after someone they consider good looking. Whether heterosexual or homosexual, the most basic point of sex and sexual attraction is the idea of reproduction. Nevermind that it's not really being fullfilled (whether in homosexual intercourse, oral sex in both homo and heterosexual intercourse, or any kind of protected sex), the instinct in and of itself is still there and can be calmed by the process, whether it actual leads to conception or not.

    The important thing is to draw a line and be able to understand that physically the person may be able to satisfy that biological instinct, but humans are not purely instinctual creatures and eventually we do need something more than just the biological factor. You better make sure that the person you're with can provide you with that.

    Conversely, another problem is that people have a tendency to not be able to understand what it means to strike a balance. You NEED both, the biological factors and emotional factors to keep a relationship alive, at least during the younger years. If sex didn't matter, I'd be dating a woman. So obviously, sex means something to me as a human being (and to everyone else here) where I actively search for a male partner because it's what turns me on.

    A relationship without sex or physicality can only last so long and a relationship without emotional connections will lead nowhere fast.

    The thing is the majority of people take a long time trying to figure this out and haven't quite gotten there just yet. Even some people who are into their late 30s. So it should come as no surprise that you're more likely to run into the extremes of either spectrum (purely physically focused or purely emotionally focused). The physical part of it is likely to be more prevalent if only because, as mentioned, it's an insticnt and it's easier to act upon it than the other side. Hence your major problem: people will constantly try to get into your pants if they percieve you as good looking.

    To me, I want to find someone eventually that can provide me with physical, emotional, and mental stimulation and connections. I personally work on myself as a person in all those levels each passing day, first and foremost for my own self satisfaction, but also because eventually I want to find someone and be able to provide them with everything I can in every form. I may not be able to be someone's everything (and I wouldn't want to be), but I would know I'm giving the best of me to the person much like I hope they would give the best of themselves to me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2007 5:09 PM GMT
    Thanks for all the comments guys.

    Well, see here's the thing..I'm NOT LOOKING for a boyfriend.

    Also, guys hit on me in clubs, bars, stores, the street, school, etc., so I'm not looking in any wrong places. I try to let it just "happen by chance".

    However, everytime, I get disappointed. The guy either wants to get fucked or wants to use me in some other way.

    When I was obese, YES I was desperate and wanted a boyfriend. Hell, I cried about it all the time while eating two large pizzas from Dominos. Ok now that I say that out loud it's funny and sad.

    But now, I am NOT that way. I am not sitting here crying, "Why don't guys like me?". I just am trying to figure out what the problem is exactly.

    Out of ALL the guys I've taken out, if we DID have sex, they stopped talking to me. If we DIDNT have sex, they stopped talking to me.

    However, when time went by, they came back trying to date me because they said "I was a nice guy all along". I don't want to be the guy you remember months and/or years later just b/c you decided to keep talking to losers.

    Like, when I made an announcement that I was moving to NYC, guys here in Dallas (the ones that found out) started calling me literally out of the blue. It was shocking b/c some of them I hadn't spoken to in nearly 3 years. All of a sudden they cared and wanted to see me. That's not right.
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    May 28, 2007 5:16 PM GMT
    You sound like women I know that have the same complaint. But when we go to a party they immediate home-in on the studs/jerks that only want some pussy. When I steer them towards some nice guys...yeah they are kinda nerdy, shy bad haircuts etc. ... they kinda pretend they don't hear me or change the subject etc.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2007 5:16 PM GMT
    You sound like women I know that have the same complaint. But when we go to a party they immediate home-in on the studs/jerks that only want some pussy. When I steer them towards some nice guys...yeah they are kinda nerdy, shy bad haircuts etc. ... they kinda pretend they don't hear me or change the subject etc.
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    May 28, 2007 5:19 PM GMT
    It's times like these I want to date women. But for sex I'd need to be drugged, knocked out, and Viagra.
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    May 28, 2007 6:08 PM GMT
    Image is everything in this society and first impressions are for keeps. Unfortunately, with most people the first impression is a visual one and if the physical aspect of "what is attractive" is there (or not) then that is the impulse that we go on. There are plenty of guys that like guys that have a few (or a lot of) pounds on them - unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your outlook), this is what makes life interesting.

    For example, I generally like guys with a muscular (not totally ripped) build...but for my own personal appearance, I like to have abs that "David" would kill for. Ok a bit extreme but you get the point...perception is in the eye of the beholder and yeah it sucks and yeah it isnt fair but it is life. You learn from it and to bypass the assholes to get to the dicks...and eventually the good guys. They are there.
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    May 28, 2007 6:13 PM GMT
    I agree, a lot of guys won't date people outside of a certain weight limit, and I won't lie I've done the same thing. To be perfectly honestly, hate me or love for me for this but at least I'm honest and real and not lying just so people will like me *cough*richard*cough*(my ex). I normally do go for cute guys. They don't have to be all ripped and so thick with muscles they sink instead of float. But most of the time I do only date guys with a slightly built body and a cute face. There is this guy I met recently, everyone thinks he is hott but I told him to his face, that yeah he is cute and has a nice body but he's not hott.

    To me a body and face only makes you cute, its your personailty that makes you hott. I guy can have a damn cute face and a fine hard body, but if he is an ass, then I'm like "fuck it, I won't even just keep you around for sex" but then again sex isn't just sex to me...but thats a different topic..honestly, a face and body are what attract me to to someone and makes me start talking to someone, sometimes just a face and a slim body. But what keeps me around is the personailty. If I don't feel like I can be with a guy for a long time, and grow with him then that relationship will be over the next day.
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    May 28, 2007 8:43 PM GMT
    In the US, the taller person usually wins the election and the taller, better looking person usually gets the promotion and the pay raise. Gay's are NOT the only ones to have bias against fat and out of shape.

    A face is 90 % genetic, a waist line is usually a sign of character vs self indulgence.
    I very much admire the CHARACTER of someone who works to achieve and keep an attractive, healthy body.

    When a "total top" complains about the people he is dating, shouldn't he worry about his judgement not theirs. After all as a "TOP" he is picking them out, not standing in the corner waiting for the bottom to ask him to dance.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2007 8:59 PM GMT
    O I LOVE that last part! So true...sadly I'm a bottom though :P
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    May 28, 2007 10:20 PM GMT
    here's a clue don't get your hopes up. You say your not looking for a boyfriend and then say that every time you get your hopes up you get hurt. If you were happy single and by yourself you wouldn't get your hopes up. You would think hmm Ill see where this goes but at the end of the day I have me and that makes me happy. And if your getting your hopes up often enough to be complaining that every time you get your hopes up you get disappointed and your only 23 you must be getting your hopes up quite often (a.k.a. looking for a boyfriend)
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    May 28, 2007 11:22 PM GMT
    Well, considering out of all of the guys I've seen or gone out with, I've only considered 5 worth dating. They all disappointed me greatly. The others were just about one thing.
    So, I never go into anything "wanting" a boyfriend b/c I'm so use to the outcome.
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    May 28, 2007 11:45 PM GMT
    Personally, I've found I can/am an emotionally needy bitch - I am no longer the cold, calculated player I was when I was in my teens - sex has...a different role in my relationships now.

    I dunno what to tell you - yeah, it sucks getting your hopes up but the way I approach it (indeed, the way I approach life) is that if you DON'T put yourself out there, you never give yourself the chance to grow - you stagnate.

    Clearly you're not opposed to the idea of a boyfriend - otherwise you'd be fine with your situation. I think ultimately, your problem is one I share myself - I'm impatient.

    Incredibly so. I just want to meet Mr. Right, and I want to meet him right f*cking now.

    As stated in previous posts, you HAVE to go through all the assholes to find the nice guy.

    *shrugs*

    Wish you didn't, and I wish you luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2007 1:36 AM GMT
    maybe you should work on your personality a little more ;)

    i saw your other topic that u said you would hit the versatile guys who turn out top :O and i thought maybe you are a little ...(i dont know the word sorry)