What Would You Do? Partner Can't Reach Orgasm

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2010 6:03 PM GMT



    Here is the situation. My partner has suffered from depression for years and had tried a number of different medications. Until the one he is currently on, Effexor, none of the medications did much good. The Effexor is doing a great job controlling his depression. However, it has pretty much eliminated his ability to reach orgasm. He ejaculates maybe one out of every five times. This has been the case about the last two to three years.

    Up until the last couple of year, we both would initiate sex about an equal amount of the time. However, he no longer initiates sex. Also during the last two years and up until just recently, when we had sex, I would try to use oral or manual stimulation to get him off and sometimes it worked although less frequently over the last year. He used to reassure me that he enjoyed it even if he didn't orgasm.

    The last couple of times though, when I tried to reciprocate after he got me off, he would motion for me to stop as soon as I tried to work on him and tell me he wasn't going to be able to come. In the past he was willing to let me give it a go at least.

    This morning I asked him if he still enjoyed having sex or if it was just more frustrating for him when I initiated it and he couldn't orgasm. He told me he still enjoys it and enjoys being able to get me off.

    I feel really conflicted. On the one hand, I want to believe he is being honest with me. On the other hand, I feel bad that he can't orgasm and think maybe it is making it worse for him when I initiate sex and he can't get off. Therefore, I don't initiate sex as much as I would like to.

    I'm just wondering if anyone else here has experienced anything like this. I know this might be a sensitive subject for guys to admit to but it would be great to see how other guys have handled this.

  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    May 29, 2010 6:37 PM GMT
    due to the the side effects of some of the meds i am taking for diabetes and blood pressure issues; my erection and ejacuation is not what it used to be in my teens and twenties.

    lucky for me, my bf doesn't take it as a personal insult/comment on his technique when i don't jizz the two or three times he does per event.

    even if i don't spurt like a volcano everytime, i still revel in and enjoy my bf's trying to make it happen.

    contrary to what the young, attractive and appealing porno star movie studs show us; you don't have to jizz everytime you have sex!
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    May 29, 2010 6:47 PM GMT
    Thanks for the response. What made me concerned is that up until the last couple of times, my partner would at least let me try to get him off. The last couple of times though he didn't want to try. That is what got me concerned again that it was just frustrating him when I initiated sex.

    I'm glad you enjoy it even if you don't come every time you have sex.
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    May 29, 2010 11:26 PM GMT
    Just seeing if anyone else has had to deal with this?
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    May 29, 2010 11:36 PM GMT
    A lot of guys have this problem for a number of reasons.

    First, he should talk to his doctor about getting those happy orgasms back while remaining of Effexor.

    Second, you two should redefine sex. Sex doesn't have to be about you two cuming buckets on each other. Sex is about the pleasure you experience during sex. So, don't have goal-orienteted sex. Enjoy the mutual pleasure you experience.

    But, you cannot reassure him enough. This is a new sexual identity for him. Reminding him that you still love him and have the hots for him can help a fragile ego.
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    May 29, 2010 11:42 PM GMT
    Thanks. He has talked about switching meds but ultimately decided not to because he had been on a number of anti-depressants before and Effexor seems to work best - except for this side effect.

    I'm trying to keep communication open and that is why I talked to him this morning about his not wanting me to try to work on him. Since he said he still enjoys sex with me, I guess maybe I'm the one that is more hung up on the idea of him not being able to orgasm.

    Your right about the sex not having to be goal-oriented. I will try to keep that in mind.
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    May 30, 2010 1:20 PM GMT
    Orgasm isn't the only thing about sex. If you know he's not going to have one, don't make a big disappointed sigh but just start hugging and kissing. Have yours, maybe on him? and I'm sure he'll be just as happy as if he had an orgasm.

    Because you posted this, it definitely bothers you, but I don't think it should. Try to accept his problem and get along with it. From my experience what you should never do is give up on your orgasm, because he's going to see it bothers you and that his problems affect your life, and he doesn't want that. You can (secretly) give up on his orgasm when you see he's not going to have any, but that isn't such a big deal, so just smile and go touch other parts of him. If you focus only on his erection/ejaculation he's going to feel pressured and I don't think any of you want this!

    Anyway, good luck! icon_smile.gif If there's someone who can help him it's definitely you! icon_smile.gif
  • Moishendlishu...

    Posts: 435

    May 30, 2010 7:52 PM GMT
    There was a time when I was in college when I was on anti depressants. It would take me an hour and a half to cum from just masturbation, so you could imagine the frustration it caused. When I finally gave up meds period and just used the gym as my anti depressant everything got better. Haven't looked back since.

    I would advise him to really look into whether or not his depression is situational. Does he work out, eat right, exercise? You would be amazed how much that can help.
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    May 30, 2010 8:04 PM GMT
    Take him at his word. If he says he is happy, then go with that. There is a lot more to sex than orgasm...all the touching, kissing, caressing, cuddling, and just know that you are loved. In fact, try enjoying a love session without ejaculating, You will find that your body is very energy charged afterwards.

    I took antidepressants during my cancer therapy. To me, they are like a chemcal straight jacket. Yeah, they control the symptoms of depression, but they pretty much lock down the rest of your emotional response, too. Three years of those thngs was enough. I am glad to be off them and back to orgasming normally.

    After taking him at his word, I would be seeing what I could do to get him out of depression. ...exercise, bright light, outdoors, physical activities are the best.
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    May 31, 2010 10:06 PM GMT
    If everything else is good about your relationship, I'd relax and take his word for it. If the relationship has other issues, then I'd be more concerned.

    The same thing happened to me and my long term partner, with both of us being on antidepressants at various times. I know that when I couldn't cum while taking them, sometimes it felt good anyway, other times I wasn't interested (lower drive).

    Our relationship also had issues, so near the end, the antidepressants became the excuse for the non-existant sex life. But there were glaring issues with the relationship, and his lack of interest in sex had more to do with that than the antidepressants.
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    May 31, 2010 11:40 PM GMT
    I'm on Effexor, too and sometimes have problems coming. Oftentimes I'm to focused on getting my partner off, that after he comes, I'm still light-years away from orgasm. I'll give it a best-effort try and if I'm not closer to coming after a few minutes I call the effort off. I really don't care so much about my orgasm and it has nothing to do with having a great time in bed or not.

    What I'd suggest for you is to let him handle his dick and you stimulate him elsewhere (I'm sure you have ideas). And don't be offended if he gives up. It has nothing to do with you, but with his head and body not being in synch. When I'm like that, nothing (not my partner's most valiant efforts nor my most perverted fantasies) can carry me over.

    In the beginning I've kept masturbating, but it can take 30 min to 1 hour, before I finally manage to come (but I wouldn't call it an orgasm, the sensations are pretty low-grade). Afterwards my dick is off-limits for a couple of days, to heal, ouch.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jun 01, 2010 12:13 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]Genmaicha said[/cite]Orgasm isn't the only thing about sex. If you know he's not going to have one, don't make a big disappointed sigh but just start hugging and kissing. Have yours, maybe on him? and I'm sure he'll be just as happy as if he had an orgasm.../quote]

    (almost) "getting there" IS fun also! icon_wink.gif