Dating a Pro-Football Player.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2007 1:21 AM GMT
    My question is for anyone that has also and how did you deal with being back in, because it would destroy his life? Well at least his pro-foot ball life.
    A couple things,
    He is in, he is married to a woman, just for looks.
    He is not sleeping in the same room as her.
    He claims once he is retired we would not have to hide and everyone will know.
    Can I trust him in that he will do this? Should I want him to do this? Will it destroy him? or should we just keep it hidden from public eye?
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    May 28, 2007 7:42 AM GMT
    Personally, I think that if he isn't willing to commit to you now, then he is not willing to commit to you in the future. My opinion is that he is looking after his own interests, and really isn't taking yours into consideration.

    That's just my take based on what you've said.
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    May 28, 2007 8:15 AM GMT
    I wouldn't be able to do it man...I mean, every situation is different but there's a certain level of emotional distance that situation will put between the two of you - if you think you can work through it, and that you can not let it HURT you....then do it.

    I hope he's worth it.
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    May 28, 2007 8:58 AM GMT
    Go for it. Put yourself in his shoes. Wouldn't you do the same? He doesnt have bad intentions for your relationship, and if the marriage is really truely just for show and his wife knows its just for show, then you got that angle covered, he isn't cheating on his wife in the strictest sense. The question is if you beleive that he will come out after he retires and be with you forever and ever. That one, your gunna have to trust your gut, no one here can answer that.
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    May 28, 2007 5:15 PM GMT
    My pennysworth is this:

    A relationship based on lies and deceit will not succeed and will crumble under the weight of its own dishonesty.
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    May 28, 2007 6:17 PM GMT
    This is a hard one in the fact that if you love him and you believe he loves you, not fighting for him may become something you regret in the future. But with that said he is married man in two closets. Although, I believe in following your heart don't leave your common sense at the door.

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    May 28, 2007 7:15 PM GMT
    In my experience, relationships that last usually have shared long term goals to which each brings different strengths. Thus an actor or a concert pianist is more likely to have a long term relationship with his business maneger or body guard than with another actor or the excutive chef in a favorite big city restaruant. Is there a role that you can play in support of his Football career? Are you willing to play a role just outside the spotlight?
    Football players travel constantly during the season and are traded during off season. Can you support yourself moving around like that?
    Most NFL players last not more than 8 to 12 years. Where is he in that cycle? If the wife goes, she will take half of everything including any retirement. Is he willing to accept such a lost? Do you own a car dealership, he can work at in case of injury?

    Unless you have unique answers to the questions above, I say enjoy the moment; but don't expect to be counting each other's grey hairs. Good luck.
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    May 28, 2007 11:46 PM GMT
    I think that if he is having an affar now he will have one on you. Also do you want to be followed everwhere be newspeople just becouse he is an open football player. The better football player he is the more it will happen.
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    May 29, 2007 12:22 AM GMT
    Thank you all. You have opened my eyes in many ways. To things I did not think of getting into this.
    I need to do some thinking and some talking with him.
    My gut tells me he is being open and honest with me. That he is not playing me. Yes he travels alot, with my work so do I. So it just sort of clicked in that department. As far as where he is in his foot time frame. He says he only has a few more good years left, before he would call it.
    As far as money goes or his wife getting half, that never entered my mind. I have enough money for both of us if it does come to that.
    I do chase people based on what they do or there income. I go for what feels right, someone that I can talk to and spend hours and hours with and never want to be away from him.
    I look for the person on the inside. If he worked at a 7-11 or was not working, I would still want to spend time with him.
    But again thanks for the feed back. And any more you can think of that I might have over looked would be great..
    Football_Lover
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    May 29, 2007 12:36 AM GMT
    This is a tricky situation, I was in a simialr one many many years ago, however it was not a football player. He was my boss 12 years my senior our relationship lasted many years, I even lived with him and his wife.

    The wife and I would share him for time and dates depending on his needs.

    What I am saying is that you can loose you own idenity in these situations as you are sharing constantly time emotions and a lot of other things.

    As it turned out after 8 years we moved into together alone, however this became even more trouble for me a I didn't have the freedom of my life that I did when all 3 of us lived together.

    He went back to his wife and is till with her 25 years on.

    We are all still good friends but I see more of her than him. He has not had another long term BF, and she advises me that he has not been happy for a long time.

    On the good side I moved on and found happeniness with one person, and it is so much more forfilling.

    Do what is right for you, but remember it's not 2 now but 3.

    Good luck and good choosing.
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    May 29, 2007 12:37 AM GMT
    All depends on what you want out of a relationship. You will basically be a male "mistress" and if that suits your needs, go for it.

    However, there is no guarantee that when his career is over that he will be all yours and you will be all his.

    Good Luck!
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    May 29, 2007 12:52 AM GMT
    I do think you have to consider his situation because it is such a unique one. It is so much easier for most other gay men to come out because we are not all so immersed in such a homophobic setting! Put yourself in his shoes, and hang in there if you really think he loves you.
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    May 29, 2007 1:59 AM GMT
    As all my boyfriends discovered, it isn't easy trying to have a relationship with a married man, and I swore off boyfriends after the last one. That was 12 years ago, and I have no regrets.
  • Paradigm_Shif...

    Posts: 251

    May 29, 2007 3:39 AM GMT
    That is a really interesting situation and you have to do whatever is right for you.

    I know I would not feel comfortable dealing with a marraige even if it is only for show. The fact that he has a wife to cover his sexual orientation shows that he will go to great lengths to be dishonest.

    I played football in High School and I know that its difficult to come out in sports. I imagine in Pro sports the concequences are only magnified. Yet, there are ways to avoid the subject, or play it off without going to such extremes as to start an entirely fake relationship.

    Its hard to tell the real deal from the small bit you shared, but in my opinion honesty is paramount and this relationship is off to a bad start in that regaurd.
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    May 29, 2007 9:36 PM GMT
    Not really sure where the dilema is in this situation.

    Really should have nothing to do with who he is, what he does.....etc.

    The one and only fact that should matter is that he's married. Whether it's for "looks" or not......

  • dhinkansas

    Posts: 764

    May 29, 2007 9:47 PM GMT
    Hate to be cynical, but show or not, married guys sometimes like to play with the boys. And he may be 100% sincere on what he's telling you...only you know the answer to that. And I think you may have doubts or you wouldn't have raised the question.

    His situation is understandable, if he stands to lose everything he has worked hard for if people knew.
  • docbailey2005

    Posts: 362

    May 30, 2007 1:26 PM GMT
    Most gay men come out becasue they don't want to or feel like they should have to live a lie. If a guy wants to live a lie and not be happy thats's his business. I don't feel it's up to anyone else to force him/her into coming out. If you chose to get involved with someone like that you have to respect it. There are tons of other gay men you could be with but you obviously have yourself a trophy. I say you play along or beat it. If y ou're going to allow yourself to get played so be it. Anytime you get involved with someone in a relationship it may be fun but it isn't stable. so what you want to out this guy becasue you're having doubts? Stay away from the drama. Either accept your role or move on especially if you're not happy.
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    May 30, 2007 8:57 PM GMT
    Hmn...he seems to have made a lot of promises to you. What about the promises he made to the woman he married? You only have his word that their relationship is non-sexual. Do you have any proof of that? Although I don't know him, it seems likely that he could be lying to her about his double life. As such, you put yourself in the position of helping to perpetuate that lie, and in turn participate in hurting this woman who is either oblivious OR turning a blind eye to his behaviour.

    I do understand that it is difficult for men in sports (at least in the US) to come out. However not coming out is their choice...just as it was their choice to pursue a career that doesn't make it easy to be out...just as it was this particular man's choice to marry a woman to act as his "beard" to keep up his image of being straight. He's created a life of lies, which I'm sure doesn't make him happy. However, this is the life he's chosen. You don't have to be part of it. He could divorce his wife, and be single and pursue you in private. But apparently he chooses to stay married, probably with the excuse that he doesn't want to hurt her. And why should he do anything -- get divorced and/or come out? You make it so easy for him to continue to live his life this way.

    If you want to continue to live your life this way with this man, it is your choice. You just have to be sure you can morally live the reprocussions of BOTH of your actions.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2007 12:32 AM GMT
    Thank you all for the insite. There are so many sides and so many issues that this brings into my life now.
    1. Dealing with not being able to talk about him in name to anyone.
    2. Him cheating on his wife, even if he claims it is a fake.
    3. Going back in the closest when we are seen together and act like an old freind from high school.
    4. TRUST. He did promise her things, what I do not know.
    5. How long after he stops playing will he wait for a divorce?
    6. Will he ever feel safe enough to let people know about us?
    7. I hate being the other pesron....
    8. I am taking this one step at a time and not rushing anything.
    9. HE is cheating on his wife.
    10. He is not being honest with anyone but me? and his wife?
    11. Is it worth it?
    I have a million more, but my gut is telling me to end it. That I will only end up hurt.
    I have to admit, the idea of a pro-football player in my bed and in my life is like a dream. But maybe some dreams are left un-done..
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Jun 03, 2007 1:21 AM GMT
    Well.

    This sucks. A lot.

    *support*
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2007 9:53 PM GMT
    If his wife is indeed just there for his image, I think it's a lot to ask of her.

    What's the win for her in this situation? Perhaps she gets room, board, maybe an allowance. She must get something out of this.

    In your last post, one of the considerations you listed was, "4. TRUST. He did promise her things, what I do not know."

    I think his relationship with her is very risky. One wrong move on his part and she might go public with what's really going on.

    If he is telling the truth, it all depends on how much you want this relationship and how long you can wait until these issues come to an end.

    Good luck.