He didn't tell me.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2010 11:55 AM GMT
    I've dating a guy for 5 months... We had one of those special times... Everything was perfect, it was I've finally found we both finally found the right ones... We were very happy, we used to laugh a lot, have serious and silly conversations, great romance and great sex... all was unbelievable awesome.
    Rule no 1 was: "let's be totally honest to each other, we deserve it"

    Last week he comes to me telling me that he is HIV + and he didn't have the courage to tell me, he was scared to lose me at the beginning but too late when he realized was time to say it.

    I was in shock, he was crying begging me for a chance to be forgiven, I told him to leave.

    Now since then texts are coming through, he wants to see me...

    I don't know what to do, I'm in shock, speechless, upset and hurt, I've been sick thinking about it.

    I get tested every 6 months, last one was 2weeks ago all good, but what about my mental health?
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    May 31, 2010 12:34 PM GMT
    Ultimately, it is up to you to ask those questions. I am saying this because I was in that same predicament. I was upset and everything. I also said the same thing let be honest. I was also mad at him and a mutual buddy of mine. I do think he and my buddy should have told me. However, in hind site. I should have asked. I get tested every year and have been negative. My advice to you is that you have to take some of the blame too. However, take some time and tell him you need time to think about it. Do not use this as a way to play games with him but use the time to think about how you really feel about him. I know it will be hard but take away the fact that he lied. Well don't take it away just put to the side. Can you imagine your life without him. Is he everything that you have always wanted in that special person. If you answer no any of those questions then you should let him go. However, if you answer yes to both these questions I say swallow that pill and put your pride aside and give the guy another chance. Dude, it is hard to find someone out here and it is easy to give up on someone but it is hard to forgive. If he is what you really want then forgive him and move on
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    May 31, 2010 12:51 PM GMT
    I do blame on myself too. I've told him we need to get tested and use condoms, he didn't mention anything... that was the right time, I believe.
    He is what I want and I'm knee to put my pride on the side but what about the lie and the fact he wasn't honest... Could I ever thrust him again? Also he didn't care about my health, that makes him really selfish....
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    May 31, 2010 12:53 PM GMT
    This identical post appears twice here, an error that sometimes happens. Please delete 1 so replies aren't split into 2 threads.

    You have 2 issues in my view, in this order: first, are you prepared to date a poz guy, and second, what's your evaluation of his concealing his status from you. If you answer NO to the first question, the second becomes moot.

    I became partners with a poz man, never regretted it, wasn't afraid of it for myself. We loved each other very much, that overrode the HIV issue. We had safe sex, and I remain negative. Although his health needs required some support on my part, my health isn't great, either, because of other reasons. And so we looked after each other's medical needs, a fair trade and a good arrangement.

    But he did eventually die of AIDS. That's another possibility you must consider, especially if he isn't taking good care of himself and taking meds regularly as prescribed. My partner's doctors used to let me be at his side during his visits, hear everything, and become part of his medical support "team."

    If you answer YES to the first question, then we move onto his failing to inform you. Again, in sequence, did he ever have unprotected sex with you? If YES, then drop him. In my view, that is unforgivable and cannot be condoned. And continue to have yourself tested for HIV every month for the next 6.

    If the sex was safe, now comes the harder part, dealing with evaluating his true character & motivation. Was he really a victim of his own lack of courage, blinded by love for you, or was he coldly making a deliberate choice to hook you, hoping you'd later be unable to leave him? Humans are imperfect and make mistakes; you must decide whether this was a forgivable mistake in judgment, or a selfish, irresponsible and calculated move on his part.

    Only you know this guy, and you're on your own there. At least he did tell you, although 5 months is a bit much in my view. On the other hand, I know at least a dozen gay couples where 1 partner is poz, and they are all very happy together, so HIV itself is not necessarily a deal breaker.

    It would be a tough choice for me, and for you as evidenced by this thread. Even an obvious choice, per my decision matrix above, is not necessarily an easy choice emotionally.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2010 1:03 PM GMT
    Thanks for your reply.

    I've been for 1 year with a poz guy, I do not think been + is a problem, as long as you are prepared. So now the issue is, YES, we had sex without precaution as he said "he assumed I was +"... I know I was supposed to be more careful, blame on me for this but he knew his health situation, he was supposed to tell me right away or just use protection if not ready to speak up, that's my point of view.

    It is hard, not sure if it was all calculated from his end, at this point don't know who he really is anymore....
  • MadeinMich

    Posts: 1624

    May 31, 2010 1:09 PM GMT
    superpuppy saidI do blame on myself too. I've told him we need to get tested and use condoms, he didn't mention anything... that was the right time, I believe.
    He is what I want and I'm knee to put my pride on the side but what about the lie and the fact he wasn't honest... Could I ever thrust him again? Also he didn't care about my health, that makes him really selfish....



    did you have unprotected sex with him at anytime?
  • BarettaB80

    Posts: 141

    May 31, 2010 1:14 PM GMT
    superpuppy saidThanks for your reply.

    I've been for 1 year with a poz guy, I do not think been + is a problem, as long as you are prepared. So now the issue is, YES, we had sex without precaution as he said "he assumed I was +"... I know I was supposed to be more careful, blame on me for this but he knew his health situation, he was supposed to tell me right away or just use protection if not ready to speak up, that's my point of view.

    It is hard, not sure if it was all calculated from his end, at this point don't know who he really is anymore....


    This is very easy. Dump him. You should stop doubting yourself and look at the reality of the situation. He deceived you on something VERY important. No matter what he says, he doesn't truly care about you - he is selfish and he put your life in danger. Throw him away. The phrase "I assumed you were +" is ridiculous and self-serving.

    There's nothing wrong with dating + men, but NOT if they lie and deceive.
  • MadeinMich

    Posts: 1624

    May 31, 2010 1:29 PM GMT
    Sorry I hadn't read your post from above.....Dude you are dumb as hell for not inquiring about his HIV status. I think in the end this shit is on you. Its your fault. What would compel you to make such a dumb decision? This is how HIV gets spread around so much by guys not taking the time out of their little infatuation to ask one simple question.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2010 1:36 PM GMT
    1- First you wrote that you have been dating him for 5 months,
    then in another post you wrote that you have been with him for one year.
    IS THIS AN HONEST OP?

    2- When someone lies / is devious about his positive status, or even neglects to tell you about it, he has proven beyond any shadow of a doubt that he is not desirable as either a friend or a lover.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2010 1:55 PM GMT
    if you really have too ask the realjock forum about this one, we should probably start helping you get dressed too. damn.
  • Razzmaniac

    Posts: 240

    May 31, 2010 2:29 PM GMT
    superpuppy saidThanks for your reply.

    I've been for 1 year with a poz guy, I do not think been + is a problem, as long as you are prepared. So now the issue is, YES, we had sex without precaution as he said "he assumed I was +"... I know I was supposed to be more careful, blame on me for this but he knew his health situation, he was supposed to tell me right away or just use protection if not ready to speak up, that's my point of view.

    It is hard, not sure if it was all calculated from his end, at this point don't know who he really is anymore....


    Ive only dated neg guys . . but ive always told people BEFORE we ever landed in the sack what my status is. . . pretty lame you had unprotected sex with someone without asking first. . .and REALLY lame on his part for not disclosing his status. Id be pissed too (unfortunately ill never be in that position. . .HA) It takes 2 to tango, take responsibility for yourself bro. . . but honestly, its so much better losing a potential boyfriend on date 2 then losing your boyfriend of 6 months. Some poz guys take rejection harder and are having a harder time with their status. Nothing wrong with NOT wanting to date someone who is poz. . .I am and ive only dated neg guys. Doesnt make me prejudice. . .HA
  • Muscmasmat

    Posts: 124

    May 31, 2010 3:09 PM GMT
    Supperpuppy, you know the answer to what you need to do.

    As a POZ man, I understand the difficulties from his point of view of telling a person about his status when you begin dating. But he has gone beyond what is acceptable.

    Here is a man that put your life in danger for the sake of sex. He lied to you. He is not a responsible person in that he became infected with HIV when he knew full well what steps to take to prevent this ( I assume that he is near your age and was educated about how to prevent HIV and was not infected by some medical accident).

    Do you really want to date or try to establish a lasting relationship with such a man? I suggest that he is not relationship material.

    Sometimes we gay men become infatuated with the looks, personality, and great sex with another man, when in our brain we know full well it will not be good for us,and that a long term relationship will not be possible.

    You need to distance yourself from hiim to get over him as quickly as possible and move on. You will find someone else that is truly honest, is hot in bed, and has a great personality and really is good relationship material.
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    May 31, 2010 3:29 PM GMT
    i've had a similar track record, set on repeat, of entering into seemingly amazing relationships with seemingly amazing, understanding, honest, genuine studs........ who despite the many conversations about the foundational importance of trust and communication, always end up being liars. then they regret their lies upon lies and beg forgiveness, and i'm like look, i told you from day ONE what would happen if you lied in a big way and betrayed my trust- you can't just put the pieces of that back together- the crime was premeditated.

    though admittedly, the lies have never been about HIV.... that shit is TERRIFYING. i feel for the OP.
    though yes, you do know what to do- there are other guys out there who will respect your health and emotions enough to be upfront- this guy doesn't deserve you. walk away and don't look back.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2010 3:44 PM GMT
    Relate it to him like this:

    What if his doctor didn't have the courage to tell him? If his doctor felt so bad about how upset it would make him that he decided it better not to tell him? To omit the information? To potentially endanger his patient's health?

    Same thing. Time to take out the trash. You're worth more.

    Patrick
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2010 3:46 PM GMT
    So I assume he professed, "I love you."

    Have we as gay men so minimalized being HIV positive in our minds that it has become a gift we will give someone we love?

  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    May 31, 2010 3:46 PM GMT
    superpuppy saidThanks for your reply.

    I've been for 1 year with a poz guy, I do not think been + is a problem, as long as you are prepared. So now the issue is, YES, we had sex without precaution as he said "he assumed I was +"... I know I was supposed to be more careful, blame on me for this but he knew his health situation, he was supposed to tell me right away or just use protection if not ready to speak up, that's my point of view.

    It is hard, not sure if it was all calculated from his end, at this point don't know who he really is anymore....

    I'm sorry, but I think this is unforgivable. You don't allow unprotected sex with your boyfriend when you know you're HIV+. Who would do that? It's selfish, hurtful, dangerous....does he have no respect for you and your health? And to reply with "I assumed you were positive" is crap. Leave him immediately.
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    May 31, 2010 4:31 PM GMT
    to buddy in NY - 5 months with this one but I've been in the past 1 year with a + guy. I've mentioned this to say that i have no problem dating + men. and yes it is a real one, unfortunately..

    thank you all, I know it take 2 to tango, but i told him i was ok and he did have nothing to be afraid of... even there he didnt say anything apart from ah, OK!

    all this makes me so sick...

    of course i don't want him anymore, too painful and scary, but he wants to see me tomorrow after work... shall i meet him punch him and tell him how much he disgusts me and walk away for ever AND NEVER LOOK BACK or i shouldn't meet?

    the thing is that after all must be a price to pay...
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    May 31, 2010 4:45 PM GMT
    Muscmasmat saidSupperpuppy, you know the answer to what you need to do.

    As a POZ man, I understand the difficulties from his point of view of telling a person about his status when you begin dating. But he has gone beyond what is acceptable.

    Here is a man that put your life in danger for the sake of sex. He lied to you. He is not a responsible person in that he became infected with HIV when he knew full well what steps to take to prevent this ( I assume that he is near your age and was educated about how to prevent HIV and was not infected by some medical accident).

    Do you really want to date or try to establish a lasting relationship with such a man? I suggest that he is not relationship material.



    I agree with Muscmasmat about the difficulties of disclosure and I try not to judge and impose my own value on those individuals with different disclosure policies than my own...however...I do agree that the guy you were dating couldn't do the hard thing and seemingly was willing to gamble with your health [mental or physical] to do what was "easy" for him...

    He did tell you...eventually, which I guess has some merit...and as I am certain you know YOU are the most responsible for your own health and well-being, however, I would seriously believe this guy has some growing up to do and perhaps learn a few life's lessons about what being honest really means...

    The information is in front of you...you have to decide whether you are along for the ride while he learns this lesson or not...and being along for the ride can include friendship...it doesn't have to be all or nothing...rarely does life happen at the extremes...

    good luck.

    - David icon_wink.gif
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    May 31, 2010 4:49 PM GMT
    Muscmasmat saidSupperpuppy, you know the answer to what you need to do.

    As a POZ man, I understand the difficulties from his point of view of telling a person about his status when you begin dating. But he has gone beyond what is acceptable.

    Here is a man that put your life in danger for the sake of sex. He lied to you. He is not a responsible person in that he became infected with HIV when he knew full well what steps to take to prevent this ( I assume that he is near your age and was educated about how to prevent HIV and was not infected by some medical accident).

    Do you really want to date or try to establish a lasting relationship with such a man? I suggest that he is not relationship material.

    Sometimes we gay men become infatuated with the looks, personality, and great sex with another man, when in our brain we know full well it will not be good for us,and that a long term relationship will not be possible.

    You need to distance yourself from hiim to get over him as quickly as possible and move on. You will find someone else that is truly honest, is hot in bed, and has a great personality and really is good relationship material.



    QFT
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    May 31, 2010 4:54 PM GMT
    I am sorry. I can only imagine what you're going through. If I were in your shoes, I'd find it hard to trust him ever again. ESPECIALLY when he says "I assume you were positive." Under what kind of evidence would he make that assumption? It's bullshit. It's rationalization. You have it right when you say he was selfish. He liked bareback sex and chose his sexual needs over your health. This wasn't the flu he was carrying, but life-altering HIV. Whatever love I had for a man like that would be dead after a betrayal like that.
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    May 31, 2010 7:26 PM GMT
    superpuppy saidto buddy in NY - 5 months with this one but I've been in the past 1 year with a + guy. I've mentioned this to say that i have no problem dating + men. and yes it is a real one, unfortunately..

    thank you all, I know it take 2 to tango, but i told him i was ok and he did have nothing to be afraid of... even there he didnt say anything apart from ah, OK!

    all this makes me so sick...

    of course i don't want him anymore, too painful and scary, but he wants to see me tomorrow after work... shall i meet him punch him and tell him how much he disgusts me and walk away for ever AND NEVER LOOK BACK or i shouldn't meet?

    the thing is that after all must be a price to pay...


    Thanks for the clarification.

    If you have already made it clear to him there is no need for any justifications on your part. He understands that he betrayed you to the extent that your life was endangered. That is despicable. IMO you closed that chapter and ignore him. From now on clarify these things from the start to avoid 'misunderstandings.'
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    May 31, 2010 7:43 PM GMT
    BarettaB80 saidThe phrase "I assumed you were +" is ridiculous and self-serving.

    There's nothing wrong with dating + men, but NOT if they lie and deceive.

    I agree. As I said in my post above, having sex, especially unprotected sex, without telling you his poz status is crossing the line (addressing the OP directly). In fact, in some jurisdictions (don't know about London), he would have committed a prosecutable crime, since he knew he has HIV and failed to tell you. Indeed, if you become poz, you might consider your legal options and report him, if only to get him off the streets.

    In the meantime, continue to have yourself tested every month for the next 6 months as I said above. I would also refrain from sex, even protected, during that period. An infected person can transmit to others even before the testable HIV markers appear in your blood.

    Your test 2 weeks ago is likely too recent to prove anything, so don't assume you are negative. Depending upon the test used, it can take several weeks to several months to detect HIV after sexual contact occurs. Even oral is not proven 100% safe, and anal is high risk.

    I no longer care about him now and your relationship -- that's history. Our concern must be your health. Promise us you'll be getting tested, OK? If you are poz, you need to see a doctor ASAP and determine what treatment regimen is best for you. And to know to tell other sex partners, as he should have told you, so your future sex can be safe & consensual.
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    May 31, 2010 7:44 PM GMT
    If having HIV has taught me anything, it's that there isn't enough time in life for BS. If this guy didn't have the balls to tell you before the deed, it says a lot about the type of character he has.

    Anyone who would have sex with someone and not tell them they are HIV+ is not just cowardly, but incredibly selfish. And that, boys, is not someone you want to plan long term for.

    Think bigger than this one incident: what does it say about this guy? Nothing good, I think.

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    May 31, 2010 8:11 PM GMT
    i aint got no problem with poz ppl having sex with neg people so long as they disclose their status....that way the neg person can make an informed decision and practice safe sex extra carefoolly.....plenty decent poz ppl around if u ask me....them hoomans deserve love too.....or whateva the fuk love is diz days.....lolz.

    but this bitch let u fuck or get fuked for 5 months without saying nuffin? think of all the times u could have a condom break or been too drunk to notice if u got one....

    u need to high kick this bitch into next year fast...diz bitch is just wrong n twisted
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  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 31, 2010 8:36 PM GMT
    I can understand why a positive guy would be reluctant to tell you his status... and I think that's something I'd forgive a guy for if I liked him. We all have skeletons in our closets that we should tell people early in a relationship, but we don't. The last guy I dated made it very clear that had he known I was a go-go boy when we first started dating he would have left me; I did tell him, but only when I thought he liked me enough to be OK with it. I can't judge someone for keeping secrets. I also suffer from a medical condition that I keep under wraps from most guys, but it's not transmittable, so again, I reveal it only when I trust the guy can handle the reaction.

    The issue here for me is that he allowed himself to have unprotected sex with you. There's a line between withholding information and not stopping a dangerous behavior, and he crossed that line. Though it's easy to wag to finger at the guy and toss him away, I don't recommend that. You have every right to be made because this was an awful thing to do. But here's the thing... if you do send him packing, which is your prerogative, you need to be gentle about it. None of this fuck you attitude several posters are advocating. I don't condone this guy's actions, but I greatly empathize with him. When I was at my sickest and dropped below 130 pounds, no guy would even give me a hug. I can imagine in his mind being so very alone and wanting to tell you, but the fear of never being in love with someone prevented him from telling you. That might seem irrational to you as you seem fine to date POZ guys, but keep in mind fear often isn't rational.

    It's very easy for strangers to come here and talk about how bad this other guy is and why you should leave him because that's what we want out of life: we want love to be black and white. But love never is. You need see this guy as a person and understand why he hurt you. I'm not saying you need to stay with him, but rather you need to understand him. If you look into your heart and don't trust him then I say leave, but if you see him as a genuine guy who feel into a slippery slope of mistrust out of fear and think he's worthy of a second chance then I say stay with him with great caution. He'll have to earn your trust back. This isn't about getting on your high horse and telling people how to live their lives because only you can see this guy for who he is.