What r the rules of engagement

  • Tavix

    Posts: 15

    May 31, 2010 1:05 PM GMT
    I am fairly new to the open sector. I am a middle age gay man. i workout and have been told by my friends that i am a nice looking guy. However I am finding it hard to find that right someone to build a relationship with. How do u start out finding the right person when u reach your 40's?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 31, 2010 1:14 PM GMT
    Your friends were just being polite...and lying. There are no good looking 40 year olds. They just don't exist.

    *hides age in profile*

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 31, 2010 1:31 PM GMT
    Tavix saidI am fairly new to the open sector.

    But your RJ profile says you've just come out of a relationship with a guy, so you have at least some experience, yes? Why do YOU think it's been hard to find the right guy? Too few where you live, no good way to meet them? Why do you blame your 40s? I find 40-somethings and up the EASIEST guys to meet, and not just due to my own age, but because they're more relaxed, confident & outgoing.

    I was nearly 46 when I came out and started dating, and I used online services to help me. It was from there I met a gay guy who became my "mentor" and took me all around Seattle on what were really "field trips" to meet other guys and to teach me how to do it for myself. In those early days it helped to have a knowledgeable buddy with me, and it worked really well; I would have been lost doing it by myself.

    Plus my interests are somewhat esoteric, not all about sex (though I certainly did that, too). And here again online helped me a great deal, able to find guys based on their interests, not my lustful instincts while in a gay bar.

    When I chat a guy for a few months before meeting in person I've already figured him out pretty well, and find out the things about him that matter to me most, aside from the looks and the sex part. Usually we've already exchanged pics (never been deceived yet), so no surprises, no "flying blind" into who-knows-what.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 31, 2010 1:36 PM GMT
    The rules are always the same once you're past your 20s when hormones cloud your judgment.
    Each time you meet a new guy don't rush things, don't be needy, don't have unrealistic expectations, don't impose an agenda. Enjoy his company for what he has to offer, note the signs of compatibility and mutual interest or lack thereof, and and see what happens.
    And be patient. With some practice you'll get it right.
  • BardBear

    Posts: 533

    May 31, 2010 1:43 PM GMT
    The same basic things that apply to straight people tend to apply here, my friend.

    1. Be yourself. Don't lie about what you like or dislike, just be yourself.

    --sound familiar?

    2. Do what you like to do! Gym? Hobbies? Continue to do those things that make you whole. You might wish to find others in our community to do them with, meaning you might find some like minded people. For example, I used to be a member of American Coaster Enthusiasts. Guess where I met my husband?

    3. Many people here don't see themselves as fitting the 'stereotype' of gay men and try to avoid the community--but this also effects their finding the numbers of men who are queer themselves. So you don't have to go to the Pride center and march at the head of the parade, but do keep your thumb on issues in the community. Sometimes there's get-togethers or rallies that might suit your interest. I know I'm not a rabble-rouser, but I did go to a few meetings against Amendment 2 in Colorado in the early 90's. Met some good people, who had friends, who introduced me to others with similar personalities.

    4. Ah, friends. See, maybe you aren't going to date that cool guy you met at the gym, but he might know someone who might know someone--that kinda thing. So always keep your options open by merely being nice.

    5. Don't let age be a factor. It's just a number. If you bonk like a 20 year old, you bonk like a 20 year old.

    Hope that helps!
    Peace,
    Me
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 31, 2010 2:45 PM GMT
    The aspect of your age is only relevant if your only interested in someone significantly older/younger than you. There are plenty of men out there who are about your age. The media focuses on youth - ignore that.

    "My friends say I'm nice looking" isn't far from my mom says I'm handsome. It's irrelevant. What counts is how you feel about yourself and how a guy your interested in feels about you. I should note that how he feels about you doesn't have to match the aspects of you that are self affirming.

    I often don't see in myself what my bf see's. That's just fine since he makes me happy.

    As for rules of engagement, just remember that your an experienced adult in the sense of life experience. If you're going to follow some arbitrary set of rules, then you'll be also be bound by them. So often I've seen that the rules guys have cause them so many problems, either because they are absurdly restrictive in trivialities or they set standards that only apply to the potential boyfriend but not to oneself.

    So, simply put, be open and honest right from the beginning. It's better to learn that the guy your attracted to is more or less than you thought sooner rather than later. A guy without some serious flaws or issues isn't real. It's just that some guys hide it better than others. Some revel in it. Some are proud of flaws as if they were virtues. Once you sift through all that, then you can see the real man. Then you [and he] will be able to see if there's a future.

    When guy's say they don't like men who play games, they are often just as much the game player as the guys that they eschew. Justifying a double standard is still justification.

    When your boyfriend knows your worst secrets and you you know his and you realize that that's what makes you who you are and what makes him who he is, and you're both accepting of that, then your on your way to a good relationship.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 31, 2010 2:45 PM GMT
    I think the recipe for relationship success is pretty much the same from your 20's til forever - gay or straight:

    get comfortable being yourself;

    look after yourself (physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually)

    do stuff that you like;

    meet people (and try to keep no agenda).

    Attraction and compatible people have a way of cropping up.

    Have fun !
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 31, 2010 3:07 PM GMT
    First off, ignore smart asses like "paulflexes".
    BUT, I think bardbear and bgcat57 have made some excellent points.

    The only thing I would add would be to judge your expectations by the amount of disappointment you can handle. AND, be true to yourself first... never try to "fit" someone else's ideals.
    Finally, be very patient... anything worth having is worth the wait.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 31, 2010 3:11 PM GMT
    FriendsRGood saidFirst off, ignore smart asses like "paulflexes".
    BUT, I think bardbear and bgcat57 have made some excellent points.

    The only thing I would add would be to judge your expectations by the amount of disappointment you can handle. AND, be true to yourself first... never try to "fit" someone else's ideals.
    Finally, be very patient... anything worth having is worth the wait.
    Ignoring my posts in this thread will do him more harm than good.
    Look at my fucking profile.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 31, 2010 3:16 PM GMT
    Rules of engagement are EXACTLY the same
    You see a guy you like find out if he's available and amenable
    and you pounce icon_cool.gif

    .... but you are competing to some extent with the 20 year olds
    but you don't want someone who'd be interested in gay fast food anyway ... would you? icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 31, 2010 3:27 PM GMT
    TexDef07 saidThe rules are always the same once you're past your 20s when hormones cloud your judgment.
    Each time you meet a new guy don't rush things, don't be needy, don't have unrealistic expectations, don't impose an agenda. Enjoy his company for what he has to offer, note the signs of compatibility and mutual interest or lack thereof, and and see what happens.
    And be patient. With some practice you'll get it right.


    Tex,
    You have expressed it perfectly. Too many guys I know, young and old alike, just are so desperate they rush into horrible situations just for the sake of saying they have a BF/Partner. Then when it doesn't work out they don't understand. They don't get the fact that if they'd have just allowed the relationship to take shape naturally and allow it some time, then it might have worked out.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 31, 2010 3:31 PM GMT
    scottishwarrior said...
    Too many guys I know, young and old alike, just are so desperate they rush into horrible situations just for the sake of saying they have a BF/Partner. Then when it doesn't work out they don't understand.
    ...
    Soooooooo true!
    One has to be comfortable with himself before he can make a relationship work. Being codependent (or needy, or desperate) is one of the primary reasons rushed relationships don't work.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jun 01, 2010 12:06 AM GMT
    Rules of engagement? Shoot first, ask questions later? Shoot when you see the whites of their eyes? Shoot at the first sign of movement?
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Jun 01, 2010 12:09 AM GMT
    Just be you,[no matter what age], your old enough to know what you want in a person but most importantly you know by now what you dont want alsoicon_idea.gif
  • gaydocalex

    Posts: 80

    Jun 01, 2010 12:19 AM GMT
    "How do u start out finding the right person when u reach your 40's?"

    Here is a bit of advice:

    1. stop hoping you will meet somebody in their 20s!

    2. Stop thinking that hair is more important than sense of humor and intelligence.

    3. Stop thinking that your life is over because you are 40.

    4. Be accepting, warm and nice to EVERYBODY regardless of age and looks
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 01, 2010 12:23 AM GMT
    rules of engagement?

    umm...lets cee....when some bitch (man or woman) asks u to fist them.....do not engage without puttin on them gloves.....and never fist on the first date.....lolz icon_lol.gif
    124471771998E3D0.jpg
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Jun 01, 2010 12:28 AM GMT
    EricLA saidRules of engagement? Shoot first, ask questions later? Shoot when you see the whites of their eyes? Shoot at the first sign of movement?


    Don't shoot until you are both ready.

    /Double En-tantra, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 01, 2010 12:45 AM GMT
    EricLA saidRules of engagement? Shoot first, ask questions later? Shoot when you see the whites of their eyes? Shoot at the first sign of movement?
    Don't prematurely discharge your firearm. And whatever you do, don't point at the eyes. That shit hurts.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 01, 2010 2:51 AM GMT


    MPP

    MULTIPLE PROFILE POSTER