Tavix saidI am fairly new to the open sector.
But your RJ profile says you've just come out of a relationship with a guy, so you have at least some experience, yes? Why do YOU think it's been hard to find the right guy? Too few where you live, no good way to meet them? Why do you blame your 40s? I find 40-somethings and up the EASIEST guys to meet, and not just due to my own age, but because they're more relaxed, confident & outgoing.
I was nearly 46 when I came out and started dating, and I used online services to help me. It was from there I met a gay guy who became my "mentor" and took me all around Seattle on what were really "field trips" to meet other guys and to teach me how to do it for myself. In those early days it helped to have a knowledgeable buddy with me, and it worked really well; I would have been lost doing it by myself.
Plus my interests are somewhat esoteric, not all about sex (though I certainly did that, too). And here again online helped me a great deal, able to find guys based on their interests, not my lustful instincts while in a gay bar.
When I chat a guy for a few months before meeting in person I've already figured him out pretty well, and find out the things about him that matter to me most, aside from the looks and the sex part. Usually we've already exchanged pics (never been deceived yet), so no surprises, no "flying blind" into who-knows-what.