What do you do?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2010 5:33 AM GMT
    I'm an angry, sad, and feel guilty. I have two other siblings that live far from here and I'm forced to take care of my mom who I kept at arms length all my life because she has a toxic personality. Guilt trips are her favorite weapon. It makes her day to make someone feel like shit. She's 86, and I just want her to leave. That's why I feel guilty. I'm sad, because I don't have that warm kozy feeling that society says you should have when you think of your mother, I'm angry because I feel like like I'm on a tether, under her thumb, and she has an attitude of entitlment. I will be in my last semester of my RN education this fall and she pitched a bitch because my schedule is tight and I won't be available for HER needs. I'm just so physically and mentally worn out from dealing with someone with an attitude that "it's all about me". I feel so guilty for feeling that I just want her to "go away". I hate to say this, but I don't think I could even cry at her funeral, and I think that's coming in ther near future. She's losing weight rapidly. And she told me today, "Don't worry, it won't be long". I felt like shit, and I hope that made her day. Did any of you guys have to deal with psychologically abusive parents? I feel like I can't win. Support, encouragement, and yeah even love would be appreciated. I just don't feel like the man I was intended to be.
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Jun 01, 2010 5:46 AM GMT
    Parents have a funny way of making you feel guilty sometimes. In my case I'm the one that's far away and my siblings more or less help them whenever the situation calls. So the times I feel guilty is usually whenever an emergency happens and I'm too far away to help out. Or if it's a holiday weekend and my parents hope I come visit and it's not in my cards.

    You're to be commended for doing all you can considering the difficulty of your relationship with her. Continue to do what you can within the confines of your schedule. It sounds like even if you increase your time to help her out she wouldn't appreciate it. Or at least she doesn't seem willing to express that appreciation.
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    Jun 01, 2010 6:25 AM GMT
    Clinically, I would say explore the following: Elder Care available in your area, see if her insurance (if she has any) that would pay for LTC (long term care), if you have insurance,if your employer benefits offer LTC. It does not matter whether she wants it or not. Often, elders become angry in the winter of their lives for various reasons, none of which are your fault. The anger you feel is not your fault. The expectation for her to be grateful should become a none issue. It serves no purpose at this point. What you should concentrate on, in my humble opinion, is two-fold: First, shore up your strength (mentally and physically) and prepare to spend money if it comes to that. You have a life that you are entitled to live. Your siblings are a none issue as well. While all siblings should contribute to the care of a parent, it is not always feasible and for other reasons, not always given. You can work through this and you don;t have to do this alone. While she should have a say in how she is cared for, surely you can see the possibility that the care should not be given directly by you.

    For you, you have to have your own down time or you may need to lie down on someone's couch. You have a few months before school this fall as you say. Take some time to do the care research. Even at a minimal, I am sure there are resources available in your area. And it wouldn't hurt to get away, even if just for a day or so at a time, say every other week or so. You will need your mental strength most of all and a little R&R will go a long way to that end.

    You are not the first child to find himself in this position and you won't be last. Little conciliation, I know, but not all cards we are dealt are trump cards. You will figure it out and do the right thing for yourself and your mother. When you do, I sincerely hope you embrace the peace that will come with it. icon_surprised.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2010 12:45 PM GMT
    Hey justadude, there's a saying that as we grow older, the child becomes the parent and the parent, the child. You have a rather obstreperous and recalcitrant child on your hands.

    I've been volunteering in palliative care for some years now, and I've seen what you're going through. I've noticed that the 'kids' most successful in dealing with elderly parents like your mom were the ones that were able to take a professional approach to their parents (like going into an RN mindset) and internally insulate themselves from mom or dad's emotional slings and arrows.

    You have some great tips from the guys here. The only thing I could suggest is some counsel (like a psychologist) to teach you diffusing tactics and how to insulate yourself emotionally.

    Even the nicest of parents can go snaky when alzheimer's and/or dementia is involved.

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2010 12:52 PM GMT
    Watch that old movie "Throw Momma From The Train."
    You won't feel so bad after that. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2010 12:55 PM GMT
    justadude saidI'm an angry, sad, and feel guilty. I have two other siblings that live far from here and I'm forced to take care of my mom who I kept at arms length all my life because she has a toxic personality. Guilt trips are her favorite weapon. It makes her day to make someone feel like shit. She's 86, and I just want her to leave. That's why I feel guilty. I'm sad, because I don't have that warm kozy feeling that society says you should have when you think of your mother, I'm angry because I feel like like I'm on a tether, under her thumb, and she has an attitude of entitlment. I will be in my last semester of my RN education this fall and she pitched a bitch because my schedule is tight and I won't be available for HER needs. I'm just so physically and mentally worn out from dealing with someone with an attitude that "it's all about me". I feel so guilty for feeling that I just want her to "go away". I hate to say this, but I don't think I could even cry at her funeral, and I think that's coming in ther near future. She's losing weight rapidly. And she told me today, "Don't worry, it won't be long". I felt like shit, and I hope that made her day. Did any of you guys have to deal with psychologically abusive parents? I feel like I can't win. Support, encouragement, and yeah even love would be appreciated. I just don't feel like the man I was intended to be.



    dude ur too old to be dealing with this shitz....just live ur own life.
    and if u really wanna care for ur momma...then just make the best of whats left. maybe hire some help by selling off any assets she has...that way she'll be paying for her own care too.
  • Greygull

    Posts: 282

    Jun 01, 2010 1:54 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidWatch that old movie "Throw Momma From The Train."
    You won't feel so bad after that. icon_biggrin.gif



    This si great advice, when dealing with my own mother, hwho has a gambling addiction and a habit of stealing money from family, i always do it and i makes me feel better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2010 2:22 PM GMT
    It's ok not to have warm cozy feelings for your mother,but you shouldn't feel resentment towards your siblings for not wanting to deal with her.
    Your mother knows that she has one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel,the aches and pains must suck too...but,she has no right to make your life miserable.
    If you are not benefitting from the living arrangement then stop living with your mother.
    That's what senior living communities are there for,parents who are... miserable,cantankerous,emotionally controlling,selfish,stair farting,complaining old people.
    Relieve yourself of guilt by telling her the truth,that she will be able to meet people just like herself.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2010 4:04 PM GMT
    The comment right above me is so true. I once walked through a convalescent hospital and felt sorry for the people in there.............because some of them had no visitors. What I learned over the years in treating various kinds of patients is this: Sometimes people have no visitors because they were not good people when they were younger - living out in their own homes and communities. Sometimes rotten old people were rotten in their previous lives - throughout their middle and early years. They never were very nice to anyone, and they have no visitors as a result.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2010 1:12 AM GMT
    Thanks for all your support guys. I know now what I need to do, and that's focus on my needs, especially my emotional ones. It's been far too long. Yesterday was the final straw however. My only child, a son, graduated high school yesterday, and my mother decided to pick a fight with me over something that was absolutely none of her business to begin with (she has a hard time respecting the privacy of others). She successfully ruined the day for my son and all involved. I immediately called my sister in Arizona after the ceremony who has power of attorney over my mom's affairs and told her she needs to go, I'm done, DONE DONE DONE!!!! We talked for over two hours, my sister told me that she's racked her brains for years trying to figure out our mother's vindictiveness and why she feels the need to hurt others. So in two weeks my sister will be here and something will finally be done. I sincerely hope and pray it involves her moving 2000 miles away. Well guys hope for the best for me.
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    Jun 08, 2010 1:16 AM GMT
    Just..
    I divorced her (my mother) almost two years ago.. it was the BEST damn thing I've ever done..
    I am alive for the first time in 49 years!
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jun 08, 2010 2:16 AM GMT
    It is highly possible that your mother could live another TWENTY YEARS.
    What shape will you be in, then ?
    It's way past time for you to take care of #1: YOU.

    You live in the United States of America, where there is FREE everything for people who need it.

    None of my many siblings could stand to be around our mother for more than 10 minutes.
    She's living in public housing (no, not a slum by any stretch of the imagination), where she gets a monthly paycheck, free medical, and all kinds of other stuff, free, free, free.

    Do yourself a favor and look into it.
    What you're doing now is killing you.
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    Jun 08, 2010 2:25 AM GMT
    Hang in there justadude---I admire you for taking care of your mother as long as you have-------