Would you ask your bf to get tested with you every month?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2010 12:27 AM GMT
    When you are about to embark on a new relationship with someone, I think it is healthy to talk about expectations. One of those expectations could be to go and get tested together every so often. So my question is this...would you ask your new boyfriend to get tested together every month for HIV? Do you think this question would be taken the wrong way perhaps him speculating that you don't trust his fidelity? Do you think this is reasonable and mature thing to do?

    Thoughts? Comments?
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    Jun 02, 2010 12:38 AM GMT
    You want to bareback, don't you?

    once a month sounds really excessive. do it every 3 until half a year after you decide mutually to go exclusive. This would be the earliest I could imagine tossing the condoms, before that safer sex only.

    I don't know what to recommend monogamous couples. This becomes a communication and trust issue, so requesting monthly test to me screams: I don't trust you. But why would you want to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust?
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    Jun 02, 2010 1:09 AM GMT
    I'm in monogamous LTR, and we got tested together only once, one year into the relationship, in order to discard condoms.
    It means we trust each other on our life, literally.

    But, seriously, the trust is not about never ever 'failing', it's rather that it would not be a big issue for either of us to tell if we did.

    We might not be the norm, as we choosed a purely monogamous relationship while being blessed with no jealousy.

    Now to answer the post, I would no see myself practice unsafe sex with anyone at the beginning of a relationship. Testing doesn't protect you.

    I think it's a mature and reasonable discussion to have with a new sex partner, alongside hiv status, other mst (hepathisis etc..), and the level of safe sex and health control wich makes you both feel comfortable. I would have hard time to trust someone trying to avoid those topics today or finding them irrlevant.

    If you want to bareback at one point, be sure both of you are able to confess if you have a side affair. To many men and women get infected because guilt and fear to lose your lover make some guys have unexpected sex without protection, then say nothing, hope they did'nt get infected and keep having unprotected sex with their reguolar partner.
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    Jun 02, 2010 1:29 AM GMT
    We were tested for everything under the sun about a month after we met, then for HIV every 6 months after that for the first year and a half.

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    Jun 02, 2010 3:02 AM GMT
    Testing for STDs every month is excessive.

    Are you in a monogamous relationship? If so, you only need to get tested once after 2-3 months of being exclusive together (depending on the type of test). You could get tested twice for reassurance.

    If you feel the need to get tested more frequently, ask yourself why. It may pay to speak with a counselor about fear of STDs and risky sexual practices.
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    Jun 02, 2010 3:32 AM GMT
    Man, i side on the side of caution. Though many think each month is excessive...your health should be of first priority. Take it from a guy who, like many of us, has experienced unfaithfulness. Unexpected and dangerous...follow your gut buddy
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    Jun 02, 2010 3:46 AM GMT
    Aggieboy saidWhen you are about to embark on a new relationship with someone, I think it is healthy to talk about expectations. One of those expectations could be to go and get tested together every so often. So my question is this...would you ask your new boyfriend to get tested together every month for HIV? Do you think this question would be taken the wrong way perhaps him speculating that you don't trust his fidelity? Do you think this is reasonable and mature thing to do?

    Thoughts? Comments?


    getting tested every month doesn't make you immune to hiv. you can get tested today and contract it tomorrow and not know for 3 months
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    Jun 02, 2010 5:13 AM GMT
    The whole concept of this topic scares me.......... so i'm just not going to have sex. that should do it. But i do believe in getting tested, even if it means every month.......... it's for your health. don't risk it!
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jun 02, 2010 6:50 AM GMT
    Once a month would be excessive and bordering on a paranoia. One every three to six months would be more reasonable. If your goal is to bareback with your partner, then that's something you have to decide on yourself. I'd like to believe I could do that one day. But I know too many people who thought their partner was monogamous and wasn't.
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    Jun 02, 2010 7:07 AM GMT
    If you're really worried about it you get a PCR test instead of the traditional ELISA test. It cost more- a lot more- but it has a one month window rather than three- and is supposed to be more accurate. Prices vary so...
  • safety43_mma1...

    Posts: 4251

    Jun 02, 2010 7:20 AM GMT
    i would have no problem asking that. if they get pissed off then something is up . it isnt meant to be a insult at all but it is making sure we r both negative and then it makes it so much more enjoyable. then if both agree after a while of negative tests u can bareback knowing u r both safe. better to be safe then sorry.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Jun 02, 2010 7:33 AM GMT
    ...I don't think testing every month is an issue...unless you are trying to prevent HIV in your relationship...testing only tells someone whether he or she has have the virus or not...it doesn't prevent exposure or infection...your behavior and actions do...as well as your partner's...we all can vouche for ourselves...but the risk is in what your partner does...when you are not looking...[and don't get me wrong, I'm sure your partner, boyfriend, date is lovely]...

    ...I only mention this because sometimes [and I'll speak for myself on this one] love blinds me...I've done stupid things before even when I believed the risks to be really low and had just gotten tested...

    ...guess what...I have HIV...

    ...I now wonder [every so often] would it have really been that hard to just use a condom?...

    - David icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2010 8:12 AM GMT
    There needs to be more information about the relationship- if it is only new then it is unreasonable to ask for monthly tests of your partner.

    If it is a committed and exclusive relationship, then you should talk deep and long about trust and get a series of tests to exclude HIV before you think of losing the doms.

    If you've met the dude in the last few weeks, then whoa back sonny, the guy might run. Monthly is pretty extreme and indicates a severe lack of trust that I would hesitate to say neither party should be losing the doms for unsafe sex.
  • santz7

    Posts: 47

    Jun 02, 2010 9:04 AM GMT
    Aggieboy saidWhen you are about to embark on a new relationship with someone, I think it is healthy to talk about expectations. One of those expectations could be to go and get tested together every so often. So my question is this...would you ask your new boyfriend to get tested together every month for HIV? Do you think this question would be taken the wrong way perhaps him speculating that you don't trust his fidelity? Do you think this is reasonable and mature thing to do?

    Thoughts? Comments?

    I think the best thing to do will be to continue the use of condoms all the time.. Of course include the test in your anual check up.. But think about.. Even if your parner promise to be exclusive...something can happen as it happens with all couples.. most likely he won't be able to let you know right away he'd failed.. Besides if you make condoms part of your routine, you wouldn't even find it bad at all... have fun with them.. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2010 10:21 AM GMT
    I think it would look a bit fishy if you were constantly asking to go ask your BF to go to testing every month.

    I could understand every three months or even six. But every month, it would beg the question if there any other sexual activity going on between you and your BF... at least the though would run across my mind a few times.

    If it were for some other reason like you give blood work or something like that then I would more than understand without an explanation I dunno man.... I would expect an argument or in the very least a raised eyebrow.
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    Jun 02, 2010 10:45 AM GMT
    once a month? Srsly? Unless one of you is a sex worker, once a month is neurotic. Every 3 months is plenty. Every 6 generally fine, unless you have a lot of unsafe sex.

    Also, if you were asking for monthly testing 6 months in there would be a problem: it would mean you were still sleeping around.
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Jun 02, 2010 11:21 AM GMT
    Everymonth!? that is very extreme!! even the nurse at the hospital will say is there something wrong hun?
    every 3 months should be ok, in fact every 6 is the norm.if you are exclusive though then every 6 should be more than enough bc you cant catch something that is not there!
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jun 02, 2010 11:47 AM GMT
    i don't think it's excessive. but maybe every 60 days. Since the virus won't show up overnight it won't matter if it's every 30 days. But I can't saw it isn't a bad idea
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    Jun 02, 2010 12:01 PM GMT
    dfrourke said...I don't think testing every month is an issue...unless you are trying to prevent HIV in your relationship...testing only tells someone whether he or she has have the virus or not...it doesn't prevent exposure or infection...your behavior and actions do...as well as your partner's...we all can vouche for ourselves...but the risk is in what your partner does...when you are not looking...[and don't get me wrong, I'm sure your partner, boyfriend, date is lovely]...

    ...I only mention this because sometimes [and I'll speak for myself on this one] love blinds me...I've done stupid things before even when I believed the risks to be really low and had just gotten tested...

    ...guess what...I have HIV...

    ...I now wonder [every so often] would it have really been that hard to just use a condom?...

    - David icon_wink.gif


    This poster said it correctly....it doesnt matter and def do not let your emotions blind you to reality. boyfriend or not i think you ought to be careful with your boyfriend. getting tested frequently and getting back a negative read is not an escuse to not protect yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2010 12:10 PM GMT
    every month is a lot, isn't it?
    I guess it depends on how you play.
  • Hokenshi

    Posts: 387

    Jun 02, 2010 1:05 PM GMT
    I agree with most people that once a month is a lot; I'd also say that I think barebacking just isn't worth the risk.

    I dated a guy and he told me he was always safe, I believe him, but he was one of the really unlucky ones and still somehow contracted HIV.

    We used a condom everytime and were together, nearly a year, and only found out about the HIV towards the end of our relationship.
    If we'd decided that, since we were being monogamous, we didn't need condoms anymore I might have contracted HIV too.

    Theres always a chance of a slip up in any relationship and he might not want to tell you in case he looses you or becuase he had safe sex and so doesn't feel the need to make sure you're aware of his error...he still might have contracted something though.

    I think it's fine to mention getting tested together at the start and then again 3 months in, then maybe every 3-6 months.

    My advice is listen to Dan Savage's podcast, he's frank about these kinds of things and listening to him has helped me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2010 1:07 PM GMT
    If you guys are exclusive all you need is once a month for three months. He may be offended.
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    Jun 02, 2010 1:24 PM GMT
    Don't ask him to get tested every month...

    Don't ask him to get tested with you...

    Don't date someone who you don't trust to be honest about the testing he's had or that you don't trust enough that you require testing with him every month.

    Relationships are trust.
  • BeachStud2014

    Posts: 343

    Jun 02, 2010 1:33 PM GMT
    I WOULD ASK HIM FOR SURE TO BE TESTED !

    NOT ONCE A MONTH
    BUT YES
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    Jun 02, 2010 1:35 PM GMT
    YES!!!!