Type & Tell: Lies My Mother Told Me

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    Jun 02, 2010 2:46 AM GMT
    Okay. So I was in the shower, trim+shaving my private forest down to a private beach, when I recalled this incredibly boldfaced lie my Godmother told me back when I was a kid.

    I wanted to shave all the hair off my body. I saw swimmers do it and their bodies looked better and smoother. So, I figured it would be a good move to be completely smooth too. Being young (definitely under 12), impressionable and not able to get razors my own, I asked my parents about it. I'll never forget my Godmother's response, it was something to the effect of "If you cut your pubic hair, your penis will fall off [or break]." As a kid that scared the shit out of me, and so I never did it, lol.

    Now I'm a happy owner of a well mowed privately owned field with penile statue still intact.

    Any lies your parents told you? lol, They can be funny or serious, comedic or dark -- your choice.
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    Jun 02, 2010 2:58 AM GMT
    "If you makes silly faces, your face will stick that way forever."
    "This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you."
    "You're not fat; you're big boned."
    "You're too skinny (with a BMI of ~29."
    "You'll never amount to a hill of beans."
    "You'll never be a pilot because you're stupid." (yet I became a commercial pilot after dad finally died and I was no longer oppressed)
    "Don't run with scissors."
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jun 02, 2010 4:13 AM GMT
    "I'm coming to see you (on such and such a day)."

    We stood out by the road, for hours, looking down the road, watching for her, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting...
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Jun 02, 2010 4:13 AM GMT
    When I was probably 7 I used to think California condors were really cool birds, and I wanted to be a pioneer to save them from extinction, so I learned all about them and could tell you all sorts of cool facts. My dad wanted me to eat Swiss chard, which I love now, but honestly what 7 year old thinks Swiss chard is really good? In an effort to make me think I should try it, my dad said, "You know, condors love Swiss chard!" Lies, I tell you! icon_lol.gif
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    Jun 02, 2010 4:07 PM GMT
    paulflexes said"If you makes silly faces, your face will stick that way forever." "Don't run with scissors."

    Those are too funny

    paulflexes said"You're not fat; you're big boned." "You're too skinny (with a BMI of ~29."

    Those are just contradictory, I could never get over people that are so physically and medically disillusioned.

    paulflexes said"This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you." "You'll never amount to a hill of beans." "You'll never be a pilot because you're stupid." (yet I became a commercial pilot after dad finally died and I was no longer oppressed)

    Those... are some deep ones that can leave serious scars. I'm glad you worked through them.
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    Jun 02, 2010 4:11 PM GMT
    "And then there's your cousin Todd who chose to be gay. What a waste of life."

    Heh.
    Funny now, ain't it mom?
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    Jun 02, 2010 4:22 PM GMT
    Wow. Some of you guys have succeeded in spite of some very messed up messages.

    My grandfather used to tell me that the most nutritious part of the bread is the crust. Only a few years ago did I stop and think about that one !

    Stuff I tell (or have told) my kids:

    Monkeys come at night on tricycles to stretch them.

    Automatic doors, faucets and paper towel dispensers are operated by who's.

    Cuts stop bleeding because of glue who's. Tears are made by Boo-Who Who's and poops are made by Poo-Who's.

    Oranges, Lemons (aka Yellows) and Limes (aka Greens) are small four legged creatures that are caught in our garden by my Jack Russell who snaps off their heads, legs and tails.

    Eventually they will probably sue me.
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    Jun 02, 2010 4:29 PM GMT
    flieslikeabeagle said
    Cuts stop bleeding because of glue who's. Tears are made by Boo-Who Who's and poops are made by Poo-Who's.

    Eventually they will probably sue me.

    Strong Who's Obsession.

    And they probably will. lol
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jun 02, 2010 4:39 PM GMT
    The dog ran away.

    I found out later he didn't.
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    Jun 02, 2010 4:53 PM GMT
    Stop pulling faces - if the clock strikes, it will stay like that forever. icon_razz.gif
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    Jun 02, 2010 4:58 PM GMT
    Mine had a few she used...........such as:

    "Do that again and I'll slap your face so hard your head will spin!"

    "I'll knock you from here to Kingdom Come!"

    "You won't sit down for a week"

    "If I have to stop this car, I'll slap all four of you and you'll get no dinner!"

    "Keep your mouths shut and play outside and in an hour I'll take you to the beach"


  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Jun 02, 2010 5:20 PM GMT
    What is with adults and lying to children? And I'm including that Santa stuff (my parents never lied to be about it and I still loved Christmas).
    I really don't think it's healthy. If nothing else you ultimately learn to distrust your parents/adults. I think a lot of it is because adults don't have good reasons for things or the energy to come up with them. icon_evil.gif

    My parents would lie to me about how much things cost though. I was very frugal even when I was young so they when they found a pair of shoes or something I'd like, or got me a christmas gift that was expensive, or whatever they'd tell me things were some ridiculously low price
    or "It's on sale, it was 70% off! We should totally get it.".
    Lies! Damnit. They still do it too!
    (Love 'em though =)
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Jun 02, 2010 5:24 PM GMT
    flieslikeabeagle said
    Automatic doors, faucets and paper towel dispensers are operated by who's.
    Cuts stop bleeding because of glue who's.
    Tears are made by Boo-Who
    Who's and poops are made by Poo-Who's.

    Eventually they will probably sue me.


    The paper work will be delivered by a man dressed in a fuzzy costume introducing himself as a "sue-who".
    It's true!

    Also, that citrus fruit thing is f'd up...

    Also, sendin' some love out to youse guys with the harsh child hoods.
    <3
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    Jun 02, 2010 5:27 PM GMT
    No one is mentioning the classic "I brought you into this world and I'll take you out!"?? LOL

    or "If you keep playing with it, it'll fall off." icon_rolleyes.gif

    or "Keep doing that and you'll grow hair on the palm of your hands!"icon_wink.gif



    Not that mine ever said any of those to me!


    Signed,
    Mr. Harry Palmer
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    Jun 02, 2010 5:32 PM GMT
    When I was 14 and 5'6 Mom- "Dont worry you'll grow to be really tall, Martin men don't start growing til they're 18, look at your cousin he was 5'0 when he was 16 and when he turned 18 he grew to 6'"

    Now at 19 and 5'7 3/4 Mom- "Dont worry you'll grow to be really tall, Martin men don't start growing til they're 22, look at your cousin he was 5'0 when he was 19 and when he turned 22 he grew to 6'"
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    Jun 02, 2010 5:47 PM GMT
    Calling my mom for a ride and her saying "I'm on my way there."

    I knew damn well she was still at home because you can hear the tv on in the background but still a pointless lie.
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    Jun 02, 2010 5:52 PM GMT
    bboi said
    Dragoonxi saidCalling my mom for a ride and her saying "I'm on my way there."

    I knew damn well she was still at home because you can hear the tv on in the background but still a pointless lie.




    YES! YES! She always did that to me too. ....40 minutes later...another call...ok i'm almost there icon_mad.gif


    "don't walk outside with your hair wet or you'll get sick"



    Also youre going to sleep "caliente" tonight and youre not going to eat cuz u've been bad"

    While the "caliente" part came true, she beat my ass till it was red, I always got dinner after two hours. icon_surprised.gif
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    Jun 02, 2010 6:42 PM GMT
    "No...I didn't sleep with the neighbor" icon_eek.gif



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    Jun 02, 2010 9:11 PM GMT
    Mine never told me I had a half-sister who was adopted. My mother also told me, before I came out, she'd rather have a son who was an alcoholic than a son who was gay. Now, I think she's quite happy to have a gay son and not an alcoholic son. icon_rolleyes.gif

    In terms of funny lies, my father used to tell us that the road would stretch out another miles every time we asked, "Are we there yet?" (and I believed him because I was young and gullible).

    My dad also had us convinced we were desperately poor. I was afraid we'd run out of money and be thrown out on the street or not have enough food to eat. I finally figured out he was misleading us when he pulled up in the driveway in a brand new Buick.
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    Jun 02, 2010 9:30 PM GMT
    My father convinced me that Jackalope (a jack rabbitt with antelope horns) were real. His boss had a fake, but very convincing, stuffed one in his office. I told everyone in school and word finally got to our coach during P.E. and in front of everyone asked me "who told you that ridiculous story?". I vigorously defended the honor of my dad and when I got home I told him the story. He could not stop laughing, and still does to this day when we bring it up. I love my dad, he's such a dork.
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    Jun 02, 2010 9:41 PM GMT
    My mother told me her father had died of a stroke in 1947 at age 52, just before I was born. Not until 1997 did I learn from my younger sister that our (then) late mother had confided in her that our grandfather had in fact hanged himself in the basement of the house where we grew up.

    But here's the really spooky part: as a child in the 1950s I often played in that basement, especially during the cold and snowy winter months, and my Lionel train set was laid out on a big table down there. I never liked that basement though, convinced it was haunted.

    Sometimes I would be overcome with a cold tingling sensation in a certain spot, and run up the stairs screaming that a ghost was after me. I wonder now what my mother thought of that, as I threw myself terrified into her arms?

    In 1968 I had my worst motorcycle accident, leaving me disfigured and mentally impaired, never again able to play the piano, speaking with a serious stutter. Severely depressed at my ruined life, I attempted suicide several times, in that same basement, but always chickening out at the last moment.

    Imagine my double shock, when my sister not only told me about our grandfather's suicide, but that the place where he hanged himself was where I always felt those cold chills as a boy. And the exact same spot where I myself attempted suicide several times. Strange coincidence, huh?
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    Jun 03, 2010 12:13 AM GMT
    Wilton, that's a really spooky story. I'm very glad your attempts at suicide didn't go as planned.
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    Jun 03, 2010 12:32 AM GMT
    "Eat your chicken, Chris, it'll put hair on your chest."
    --my grandfather

    I was terrified... still am.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jun 03, 2010 12:37 AM GMT
    "you'd better wear your underwear or your thing will bounce and stretch down to your knees!" (the best reason yet to go commando!)

    "you kids better settle down or your father will smack your face so hard your teeth are gonna rattle when you breathe!" (often threatened, never actually done.)

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    Jun 03, 2010 1:06 AM GMT
    flieslikeabeagle saidWilton, that's a really spooky story. I'm very glad your attempts at suicide didn't go as planned.

    Thanks, you may be only one of a few here who feels that way. My final attempt at suicide was enlisting in the US Army during Vietnam. I figured if I couldn't kill myself, the Viet Cong would do it for me; at least I'd be a noble hero. And experiencing the awful Army would be the punishment for my stupidity in ruining my life. I really did hate myself.

    But the joke was on me. Turned out I loved the military, and the military loved me, giving this wimpy little queer lightning-fast promotions, even handing me an Officer's commission when I had no more than a high school degree.

    My life has taken so many strange turns, and come so close to ending so many times, that I no longer understand any of it. All I can say with certainty anymore is that life is when you're not dead. All the rest is a mystery.