Sex with a friend - huge mistake

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2010 5:34 PM GMT
    A month ago I randomly told a coworke I was gay, and a week later when I quit, he found the courage to tell me he was gay too. We stayed in touch and got really close, just friendly stuff but it was pretty special. It's not easy finding a a real gay friend.

    But then... We both got really drunk and had sex. He's not really my taste so I don't know if this can happen again. Now he keeps giving me signs and I REALLY don't want to hurt his feelings. I am now pretty sure the reason why he decided to tell me he's gay is because he wants something more. I guess I was really naive to assume otherwise.

    What do I do? It seems like having sex seriously ruined everything. He probably felt something for me all along and now I led him on. Another temporary relationship, and it's a real shame this time... no matter what I do next, he'll be hurt cause I was too drunk/horny to stop myself even though we make a better match out of bed.
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    Jun 03, 2010 1:40 AM GMT
    I'm in exactly the same situation right this minute. This started a few months ago. We didn't know each other well - - went to a few parties, ended up back at his place in his hot tub. We got too drunk and ended up in his bed. I wish we hadn't. He is head over heels (per one of his best friends) and I wish we'd just kept it as friends. Here's why I'm not into him except as friends:

    1) He is a smoker, and yes I can smell it even when he tried to conceal it.
    2) He does not work out much at all - - - and this is a big turn off for me.
    3) He is over weight by 25 pounds or so.
    4) He is very good looking with a great personality and lives in a terrific place - gives great (I mean great) parties. I'm just not feeling it. If he lost the weight and quit smoking - then worked out I might feel differently. But I know it is wrong to want to change someone.

    To this day he sends signals, and is friendly - wanting us to resume another bedtime thing. I just can't. Obesity just turns me off. I work hard to live clean and stay in shape...........I'm sorry - this is just not a match. I like this guy as a friend and thoroughly enjoy his humour, friendliness, & the ease of conversation and laughs. We grew up in a similar fashion - not far from one-another. We shared the same stomping grounds - but didn't know each other. He is 11 years younger.

    Your situation sounds so similar. All you can do is be friendly - and hope the other guy will eventually get the hint, and meet someone else.
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    Jun 03, 2010 2:12 AM GMT
    I DID THAT WHEN I WAS IN MY 20'S

    not so great.
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    Jun 03, 2010 7:32 AM GMT
    CAJock753 saidI'm in exactly the same situation right this minute. This started a few months ago. We didn't know each other well - - went to a few parties, ended up back at his place in his hot tub. We got too drunk and ended up in his bed. I wish we hadn't. He is head over heels (per one of his best friends) and I wish we'd just kept it as friends. Here's why I'm not into him except as friends:

    1) He is a smoker, and yes I can smell it even when he tried to conceal it.
    2) He does not work out much at all - - - and this is a big turn off for me.
    3) He is over weight by 25 pounds or so.
    4) He is very good looking with a great personality and lives in a terrific place - gives great (I mean great) parties. I'm just not feeling it. If he lost the weight and quit smoking - then worked out I might feel differently. But I know it is wrong to want to change someone.

    To this day he sends signals, and is friendly - wanting us to resume another bedtime thing. I just can't. Obesity just turns me off. I work hard to live clean and stay in shape...........I'm sorry - this is just not a match. I like this guy as a friend and thoroughly enjoy his humour, friendliness, & the ease of conversation and laughs. We grew up in a similar fashion - not far from one-another. We shared the same stomping grounds - but didn't know each other. He is 11 years younger.

    Your situation sounds so similar. All you can do is be friendly - and hope the other guy will eventually get the hint, and meet someone else.

    Your reasons are pretty similar to mine. Shallow as this sounds, you can't help what bodies turn you on. I'm with you.

    How could you have stayed in that position for a few months though? He's been texting me since last week (when we had sex), by this end of this weekend (or next one) I'm gonna have to set him straight. I also play along with it to an extent just so it wouldn't look I disppeared after the sex. Don't wanna hurt him.

    I think there's one big difference between our situations... You've been friends with this guy for a long time so you still get to be friends. I just recently got close to him him, so at this point if he gets the hint, he'll probably want out. Which is understandable, but it sucks thinking all of this could have been avoided if we hadn't done it. I really like him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2010 7:19 PM GMT
    You guys should make sure you post to the daily threads:
    “I don’t understand why everything was great till we had sex; now, he doesn’t want to talk to me.”
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    Jun 03, 2010 7:43 PM GMT
    IDWBF saidI just recently got close to him him, so at this point if he gets the hint, he'll probably want out. Which is understandable, but it sucks thinking all of this could have been avoided if we hadn't done it. I really like him.


    Perhaps he'll be more forgiving than you've given him credit for. Stranger things have happened. icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 04, 2010 5:00 AM GMT
    No shit Sherlock, well done on that bit of investigation, I'm impressed you worked that one out so quickly bravo... I'm giving you claps right now... Seriously!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 04, 2010 5:10 AM GMT
    Health is not shallow.

    For a relationship to be long term, don't you want to see signs or something that indicates that a guy takes care of himself, and by extension...you in a LTR?

    Health and fitness is one big indicator as well as financial responsibility.

    The personality excuse doesn't necessarily encompass a person's willingness to better himself and the people around him. A chill or cool guy may be fun to hang out with but may not be great to weather financial ups and downs in our lives. It is necessary to save for retirement and rainy day fund instead of wasting one's limited means on a boat or paintball gear if such are out of a guy's disposable income range.

    Sorry for the banter.
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Jun 04, 2010 5:19 AM GMT
    OP, you ask what to do, and you talk about hoping he'll "get the hint" that you're not wanting anything physical with him.

    Consider clear honest direct communication. Tell him you were drunk and horny and you value his friendship and want to be friends. Tell him on the phone or in person; don't text it. Don't make it a big deal. Then go out and do something fun together.

    The above is way more mature and effective than hoping he gets the hint. It stands a good chance of keeping your friendship.

    Good luck!

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    Jun 04, 2010 12:42 PM GMT
    If you really care about him as a friend, you'll treat him as you would want to be treated if you finally had sex with a guy you liked, but he was the one having second thoughts after. What would you want him to say and do?
    In other words, how would you want to be treated if you were the one falling head over heels?

    -Doug
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    Jun 04, 2010 12:46 PM GMT
    kevinsbeach saidJust tell him you enjoyed getting physical with him and you do like him, but you're just not wanting to get into a relationship with him. Then ad you'd like to get to know him more as friend. Maybe he'll be cooler about it than you think. Probably better to tell him the truth than to say nothing as that's kind of leading him on.
    I agree with this message.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 04, 2010 1:22 PM GMT
    Cuando uno cabeza se para, la otra no piensa!

    Moral of the story..... Think with the big head.
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    Jun 06, 2010 6:29 AM GMT
    This kinda happened to me...I think...I'm assuming...I messed around a couple times with a friend I was crushing on that at first I didn't know was gay...Anyway, he started to pull away so I could tell something was wrong. I'm a big boy so I was cool with the idea that maybe I wasn't his type but in the heat of the moment things kinda just happened...When I asked him about it I told him, "Look, if it was just a one night stand of hookup situation, lemme know. I'll move on." He'd never give me a clear answer, mixed signals. So while I moved on to other guys, I also kept thinking I had a shot at him because of his vagueness. DON'T DO THIS...it wastes time and affects the friendship negatively. Just be straight up...
  • PRDGUY

    Posts: 641

    Jun 06, 2010 8:12 AM GMT
    Had an exact opposite situation with my best friend, at each 'evolution' where we'd do sumthing new our friendships grows stronger, Be mature tell him it was 'casual' and u where drunk, but the only way it wud happen again is with his knowledge that it wasn't serious!
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    Jun 06, 2010 8:34 AM GMT
    unfounded7 said
    IDWBF saidI just recently got close to him him, so at this point if he gets the hint, he'll probably want out. Which is understandable, but it sucks thinking all of this could have been avoided if we hadn't done it. I really like him.


    Perhaps he'll be more forgiving than you've given him credit for. Stranger things have happened. icon_wink.gif


    You know what I REALLY hate in this sort of situation: lack of communication leading to silent treatment and then being cut off. One of my eFriends on here did it which was rude enough, but when it´s a friend who you have eaten and laughed with and then they just go odd and cut you off it is a HORRIBLE reflection on them as a person. Talk to him. it will be hard, probably, but it will be a lot worse if you don´t.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2010 9:42 AM GMT
    If you prefer friends with benefits over a relationship, let it be known up front BEFORE having sex.
    That is the only way to remain friends after a hookup.
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    Jun 06, 2010 1:35 PM GMT
    OK...he's getting too serious about it. He's all happy about us... told some of his friends... FUCK my mixed signals. This sucks. I planned to talk to him, I'll see him this weekend but it's getting worse as time goes by. I'd make things clear now but I don't want to text him or talk to him on the phone when I can't see his face and be in control. DAMN. Poor guy. I have no idea what the hell I want so he's getting mixed signals.

    Just to make it clear, I don't think I gave him false hope. I told him I don't know where to go with this and maybe he saw that kind of talk as flirting. There's no choice but to tell him I want to stay friends, but it's so hard to crush him like that.
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    Jun 06, 2010 1:42 PM GMT
    camfer saidOP, you ask what to do, and you talk about hoping he'll "get the hint" that you're not wanting anything physical with him.

    Consider clear honest direct communication. Tell him you were drunk and horny and you value his friendship and want to be friends. Tell him on the phone or in person; don't text it. Don't make it a big deal. Then go out and do something fun together.

    The above is way more mature and effective than hoping he gets the hint. It stands a good chance of keeping your friendship.

    Good luck!



    Agree with this. Clear, honest communication is always best.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2010 2:10 PM GMT
    It sounds like your a wonderful guy, you need to be honest with the guy, how about being a buddy?
    2 guys messing around just having a little fun?
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 06, 2010 2:13 PM GMT
    Well without sounding like a bitch here, the best thing to so is use a little self control and drinking isn't an excuse.

    That said, its done and it sounds like you like the guy and want him around as a friend, so have a conversation with him. I think the best way to resolve it is to communicate how you feel. If he can't deal with it.. he probably wasn't going to in any other way. If its an awkward conversation, so be it. Take the initiative and even if its tough, be the one to take the steps to be friends. It might be something you can get past.
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    Jun 06, 2010 5:41 PM GMT
    IDWBF saidOK...he's getting too serious about it. He's all happy about us... told some of his friends... FUCK my mixed signals. This sucks. I planned to talk to him, I'll see him this weekend but it's getting worse as time goes by. I'd make things clear now but I don't want to text him or talk to him on the phone when I can't see his face and be in control. DAMN. Poor guy. I have no idea what the hell I want so he's getting mixed signals.

    Just to make it clear, I don't think I gave him false hope. I told him I don't know where to go with this and maybe he saw that kind of talk as flirting. There's no choice but to tell him I want to stay friends, but it's so hard to crush him like that.


    Whether you're trying to or not, you're coming off like a douche: "Poor Guy"...LOL...Like he would be blessed to be with you but you don't want him so its embarrassing that he's feeling the way he's feeling because he's gonna be let down big time...

    Like others have said here, you were the one that willingly had sex with him and I'm sure you got a sense before that night that he maybe liked you a little. I also bet that maybe both of you are not sluts so when you have full on sex with someone its kind of a big deal. You also admit that when you had the chance to nip it in the bud you didn't tell him it was just "casual sex with a friend", which is the definition of giving Mixed Signals.

    Dude, just call him and tell him. Apologize and take him out for a drink or something so you guys can move on and laugh about this situation. There are plenty of guys out there, many of them better for him than you, so I doubt he's gonna be suicidal over the thought of losing you.
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    Jun 06, 2010 5:48 PM GMT
    Lostboy saidYou know what I REALLY hate in this sort of situation: lack of communication leading to silent treatment and then being cut off. One of my eFriends on here did it which was rude enough, but when it´s a friend who you have eaten and laughed with and then they just go odd and cut you off it is a HORRIBLE reflection on them as a person. Talk to him. it will be hard, probably, but it will be a lot worse if you don´t.


    Yeah Lostboy, had this happen as well. Gets to the point eventually where you wish the intimacy was never introduced. But so many gay men assume that if you are friends, eventually you have to mess around or have sex, just cause. Stupid. Then when it happens and one of them gets feelings the other person usually says "But we're just friends." So does that mean they perform oral and anal sex with ALL of their friends? SMH
  • razorcake

    Posts: 219

    Jun 19, 2010 10:05 AM GMT
    Happened a year ago. He pushed on having sex...tried to get down on me, I said no and he still went on. Got so angry I kick him out of my house, we never spoke for a year.

    Part of me feels like I'm teasing him, but another tells me I stand up for myself. Friends don't get too far.
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    Jun 19, 2010 11:42 AM GMT
    CAJock753 said

    1) He is a smoker, and yes I can smell it even when he tried to conceal it.
    2) He does not work out much at all - - - and this is a big turn off for me.
    3) He is over weight by 25 pounds or so.
    4) He is very good looking with a great personality and lives in a terrific place - gives great (I mean great) parties. I'm just not feeling it. If he lost the weight and quit smoking - then worked out I might feel differently. But I know it is wrong to want to change someone.


    Wow. This topic should have a Nautical warning sign: "Shallow souls ahead"


    My BF fit all of those. Before we met. I fell in love with HIM not his physique!
    Now, he stopped smoking because he loves himself & me.
    He's lost about 20 pounds.
    He goes to a gym...I don't.
    Maybe your guy could use a good friend, if not a lover. I've had sex with guys and still maintain a friendship with them after.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2010 12:11 PM GMT
    Posts like these ones confirms that friendship is a myth in the gay world. What a darn shame! and sure enough not only are gay men distrustful as lovers but as friends too.

    I love the cynicism of us gay men, as we always feel sorry after the facts, and what is even worse we are always looking for an excuse or an approval to our actions!? sad really really sad!!


    Leandro ♥