Test Your Humor :D

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    Feb 02, 2008 6:06 AM GMT
    Share your best joke with us icon_lol.gif

    Here is mine to start with:

    Grandma had a pussy cat she loved. One day the cat went missing. Grandma got worried to death and started looking for the cat all over. "Pussy~, my cute little pussy~ where are you~? Come now, you cute little thing. Let me feel your furry cheeks~"
    Despite her effort, Grandma was unable to find her pussy. So, grandma decided to call her grandson over to help her. Her son answered the phone. "Oh, hi, Billy. Do you think I can borrow your little Dick today? I can't find my pussy anywhere. I should have played with my pussy more. She probably left because I didn't pay enough attention. But, I remember how dearly my pussy loved your cute little Dick when he was over. Maybe my pussy will come out to play with your Dick if he is here."
    So, Billy sent his son over to grandma's. "Oh, my cute little Dick, darling. Can you help grandma find my pussy?" Unfortunately, Dick was too small and did not remember what the pussy looked like. So, Dick went to his dad and asked him, "Hey, dad. What's pussy?" Dick's dad, who believed in honest and open communication with his kids kindly explained what pussy was. Dick then ran back to his grandma's and said to her, "Grandma! I know where your pussy is!"

    If you want to test your humor, there's an interesting test at http://web.tickle.com/tests/ along with other tests.
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    Feb 11, 2008 7:41 PM GMT
    it is really make me laugh,hehe,thank u for ur joke
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    Feb 11, 2008 10:58 PM GMT
    Jokes, huh... Do you know what you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

    Dough nuts.
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    Feb 11, 2008 11:38 PM GMT
    What is the hardest part about eating a vegetable..?




    The wheelchair, lol. Awful, I know.
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    Feb 12, 2008 12:37 AM GMT
    This is an old "JOKE/STORY" I first heard when I was in Grad School in Lubbock....with all due respect to Texans. I laughed my ass off whe I first read it, and then I went to an actual chili contest in Texas......this is REAL!icon_eek.gif
    ENJOY!


    Chili Contest


    CHILI CONTEST These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey... "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.

    Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in and was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

    Here are the scorecards from the event."

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.Very impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
    FRANK: My intestine's are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: �Ho hum�, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided too stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
    FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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    Feb 12, 2008 6:18 AM GMT
    todayslesson.gif
  • NickoftheNort...

    Posts: 1416

    Feb 12, 2008 9:45 AM GMT
    These jokes are not mine, but from LimerickDB (Limerick Database). I recommend the following to cheer up on a Tuesday morning:

    #17
    There was a young sailor from Brighton,
    Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one."
    She replied, "Bless my soul,
    You're in the wrong hole;
    There's plenty of room in the right one."

    #269
    A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
    Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
    She found a good way
    To combine work and play:
    She sells C shells by the seashore.

    And keeping in mind some of the most heated "discussions" on RJ:

    #292
    A preoccupied vegan named Hugh
    picked up the wrong sandwich to chew.
    He took a big bite
    before spitting, in fright,
    "OMG, WTF, BBQ!"

    Edit: proper #IDs edited in
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    Feb 12, 2008 9:46 AM GMT
    lol
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    Feb 12, 2008 10:00 AM GMT
    limericks! Woot!

    I used to love Edward Lear's when I was younger... along with Lewis Carroll and Rudyard Kipling... Proves I was crazy even then. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Feb 14, 2008 2:24 PM GMT
    Quick joke I heard... not necessarily the "best"

    Why was six afraid of seven?
    Because seven eight nine....





















    eight=ate
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    Feb 14, 2008 8:36 PM GMT
    BenignFun saidQuick joke I heard... not necessarily the "best"

    Why was six afraid of seven?
    Because seven eight nine....

    eight=ate



    Groan!!!! LOL, yeah i think i heard that one too, like in 1st grade
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    Feb 15, 2008 5:09 AM GMT

    Here's another attempt.... a good friend from Sunday school told me this one. It goes something like...


    Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, 'Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty !' shouted Mary and the teacher said, 'Very good' and Mary went back to sleep.
    A while later the teacher asked Mary 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Mary didn't even move from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again, 'Jesus Christ!' shouted Mary and the teacher said, 'Very good,' and Mary returned to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!' the teacher fainted.
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    Feb 15, 2008 8:07 AM GMT
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    That Mary joke is a good one. ;)

    Here is my another joke I just made.

    Grandma and Pussy #2

    Grandma and Dick finally found the pussy cat. Grandma said to Dick, "Thank you for helping grandma find ma' pussy. I thought I may never get to play with my pussy again. How horrifying that would be." Dick said, "You're welcome grandma! I like your pussy too! Can I come play with your pussy sometimes?" "Oh dear, of course! Granma's pussy loves you very much too. Look how tightly it's snuggling on you. Well, dear, it's getting late. Kiss ma' pussy goodbye."
    A week later, Dick came to visit Grandma. But, Grandma was not home. Dick found a note on the door that said, "Out looking for pussy."
    A few days later, Dick came to visit again, but Grandma was still not home. Dick got worried and went to his dad. "Dad! Grandma's still not home! I'm worried about Grandma and her pussy." Billy said, "Ma' good boy. Grandma went looking for her pussy, right? Then, look in places where pussy might be."
    Dick went looking for his grandma. But, Dick was too little to know where he could find pussy. So, he asked his neighbor, Pat, "Hello, Mr. Pat Cock. Do you know where I can find pussy?" Pat Cock put his hand on little Dick and shook his head. "Now boy. Why do ya wanna find a pussy?" Dick answered, "I have to go find Grandma! I'm worried. Grandma and her pussy might be in trouble!" Feeling really sorry for Dick, Pat Cock told him, "...OK. Try this place called Silver Paradise."
    And so, Dick gave a big hug and kisses to Pat Cock to thank for his advice and left for Silver Paradise. A few hours later, Dick came home and said to Billy, "Hey, dad! I found Grandma!"
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    Feb 15, 2008 8:14 AM GMT
    What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
    One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

    What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
    A cock that stays up all night.

    How does a Welshman find a sheep in tall grass?
    Very satisfying.

    How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a lesbian?
    A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

    What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
    Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

    How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
    Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

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    Feb 15, 2008 8:27 AM GMT
    MAN: "Hello"
    WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
    MAN: "Yes"
    WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
    MAN: "How much?"
    WOMAN: "$60,000"
    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
    MAN: "Bye, I love you too."

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Feb 16, 2008 1:34 AM GMT
    A sadist and a masochist get married.

    On the wedding night, the masochist throws themselves down on the bed and exclaims, "Whip me! Beat me! Hurt me!"

    The sadist looks at the masochist and says "No."

    icon_twisted.gif
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Feb 20, 2008 5:28 AM GMT
    Three nuns, Two Jews, and a black guy walk into a bar.

    The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"
  • qalbi30

    Posts: 116

    Feb 20, 2008 11:11 AM GMT
    Timberoo you may like this,sounds coming from a dark wood,"Stop it you beast" then after a pause" Oh you beast,you've stopped"
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    Feb 26, 2008 2:25 AM GMT
    This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde
    behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

    He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although
    familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

    She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
    one of my children!"

    His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
    "Gosh!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

    "No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

    lol icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 29, 2008 9:08 AM GMT
    Do you know what Walmart and Michael Jackson have in common???

    They both have little boys underwear half off!icon_mad.gif
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    Mar 15, 2008 2:30 AM GMT
    Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks,

    "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
    She asks, "What?"
    "SEX!!" he replies.
    Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
    "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
    "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

    Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!

    Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
    Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"


    Another one:

    Catholic Parrots

    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

    "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
    but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say,'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
    "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he
    thought for a moment.
    "You know," he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I
    have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

    "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well
    be the solution."

    The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
    priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that the two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary
    beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
    placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun? "There was stunned silence.

    Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other
    male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away,
    Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

    and one more just for fun

    A fire fighter is working on an engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in
    the middle. The little girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take
    a closer look.

    "That sure is a nice fire truck," said the fire fighter with admiration.

    "Thanks" said the little girl.

    The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

    "Little partner" says the fire fighter "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope to the cat's collar too, You would go much faster."

    The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"