When do you know things are over?

  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Jun 04, 2010 2:18 PM GMT
    My first thread, how exciting - NOT!
    My question to you all is when do you know it is over, it's time to say good bye?
    I'm in a relationship but we are not communicating, it's silence, and everyone doing things their way, we were not like this though, it's just gotten to the point where he decided to go on for a motorbike ride all day yesterday whilst I was home doing nothing all day with the dog.
    Maybe we are just burned out...it saddens me to think this is it. Over. but i think it is getting to that point.
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    Jun 04, 2010 2:23 PM GMT
    Do you feel in love with the guy?

  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Jun 04, 2010 2:29 PM GMT
    I do, but i also feel massively disappointed, and it's not just that he has lied to me from the outset of the relationship and i just found out about a month and a half ago, he lied about everything, from where he came from, to who his family was to where he went to uni, to everything in between, it is as if the person i had been living with didnt exist...i decided to let it go and not to focus on all the negative though i dont know a person in their right mind who would stay in a similar situation...
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    Jun 04, 2010 2:37 PM GMT
    Now there we go, that's much better, I could feel large empty spaces in your first post. I think, looking at your second post, you have the answers already. Dishonesty to that degree is a little mind-blowing. Personally, I've been in your boots once or twice and let them go. Honesty is a pretty big basic in a good relationship. icon_wink.gif


    -Doug
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Jun 04, 2010 2:46 PM GMT
    I know....i think i know what to do, i feel sad and disappointed. see if he was ashamed of his background or whatever then he should have kept it from me and told me about it as the relationship progressed, but from the outset he claimed to come from a totally different background, and would go as far as saying 'You cant meet my mum she wouldnt approve of you, you are not a Jewish boy', so it turned out his mum is not even jewish but presbyterian! which in a way makes me laugh but it made me feel sad and inadequate. He's gone back to being selfish again, about what he wants and needs, and hence this 'I went out on my motorbike 60 miles away for a ride' and when i said you went by yourself all the way up to a lake to look at the water seen it and come back? you said you were going to your mums (5 miles down the road)...he said well i wanted to go on my bike...
    and there's so much going on i feel so unhappy and sad, and i know he's not a bad guy but to me honesty is paramount....
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    Jun 04, 2010 2:54 PM GMT
    Are you willing and more importantly wanting to see this relationship work? Is he? Do you want to relearn who he is again? Hmmm

    Having just ended my own relationship after so long the first thought in my head is to dumb the bastard for doing such a thing.... Perhaps I'm not ready to give advice heh
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    Jun 04, 2010 2:57 PM GMT
    owen19832006 saidI do, but i also feel massively disappointed, and it's not just that he has lied to me from the outset of the relationship and i just found out about a month and a half ago, he lied about everything, from where he came from, to who his family was to where he went to uni, to everything in between, it is as if the person i had been living with didnt exist...i decided to let it go and not to focus on all the negative though i dont know a person in their right mind who would stay in a similar situation...

    owen19832006 said[...] ... and there's so much going on i feel so unhappy and sad, and i know he's not a bad guy but to me honesty is paramount....


    from above:
    "he lied about everything"
    "as if the person i had been living with didnt exist"
    "i know he's not a bad guy but to me honesty is paramount...."

    Either an interesting concept which I don't understand, or a no-brainer.
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    Jun 04, 2010 2:59 PM GMT
    "He's gone back to being selfish again, about what he wants and needs, and hence this 'I went out on my motorbike 60 miles away for a ride' and when i said you went by yourself all the way up to a lake to look at the water seen it and come back? you said you were going to your mums (5 miles down the road)...he said well i wanted to go on my bike..."

    Oh. Ugh. So if he had an accident and never came home you'd be scouring the roads to his Mum's and back, never guessing that he was lying halfway down an embankment 50 miles or so away from where everyone would be looking. Oh d'oh.

    You know, I once was with a guy (living together) and we knew each other's families rather well. One night he went out with a couple of friends ( gals) for a couple of drinks - no prob, he was always home by 1 AM at the latest with them. By 6:30 AM I was, er, worried. By 730am I'd talked to his Mom and had started calling the hospitals. Then he came home, I quietly confronted him and he admitted spending the night with another man. Did it hurt? Yep, but you know it wasn't the cheating that bothered me (he told me straight away after all) , it was that I was put in a position of orbiting in outer space.

    His cheating would have ended the relationship all by itself, although being accommodating and much in love I would have been willing to attempt an open relationship, but leaving me to hang like that more than sealed the deal.

    -Doug

  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Jun 04, 2010 3:19 PM GMT
    Goodness me i told him if i ever found out about cheating it would be over so fast it would leave his head spinning...he would be out of my house Fast!
    So i've told him honesty is very important, and what does he do? well he created this person who doesnt exist, the way he described himself as a jewish boy from a traditional jewish family,whose grandparents escaped the nazis in lithuania, and quite frankly a lot of stories that i stupidly believed and they were all lies! his family is not even jewish! they are all presbyterian and are allfrom lanarkshire! nowhere near as exotic as lithuania.
    then the bullshit bike rides, according to him by himself, i dont know if i can even trust anything he says because to me its all lies now. thats how sad this is...but on the other hand he is a nice decent guy.
    He might have lied about his degree (biochemistry) when only God knows if he actually managed to finish it...i havent seen the degree certificate nor the graduation pictures...
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    Jun 04, 2010 3:52 PM GMT
    "i dont know if i can even trust anything he says because to me its all lies now. thats how sad this is...but on the other hand he is a nice decent guy"

    Oh my. That sentence feels contradictory. By nice decent do you mean charming?

    -Doug
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Jun 04, 2010 4:01 PM GMT
    i know its very contradictory, hence the reason im asking peole here to share some thoughts, because see he is not a bad guy in the sense he does drugs or behaves like an arse on purpose though truth be told, he does behave like an arse until you call him that.
    he is full of defects, but im not an angel and i know that...but i feel that we have drifted apart, that we are together because oh well why not, instead of being together because we have fun and we enjoy eachothers company, it has reached the point where we dont talk we just sit watching the tv and dont say a word at all not even during commercials!
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    Jun 04, 2010 4:12 PM GMT
    I think you're self worth is pretty crappy to stay with this person.

    I get caring and all that jazz about a person, but his level of dishonesty and trust breaking is so fucking ridiculous he deserves to be on a gay soap opera. And from what it seems, you're the guy who just cannot let go. You know it hurts you, why torture yourself?


    Three words of advice.
    Just Let Go.
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    Jun 04, 2010 4:39 PM GMT
    owen19832006 saidi know its very contradictory, hence the reason im asking peole here to share some thoughts, because see he is not a bad guy in the sensehe does drugs or behaves like an arse on purpose though truth be told, he does behave like an arse until you call him that.
    he is full of defects, but im not an angel and i know that...but i feel that we have drifted apart, [...]


    No. Your heart is blinding your senses somewhat.

    Everyone has good points and everyone has faults.
    You clearly wrote that he is extensively deceitful. Deceit goes far beyond the border of who is good and who is bad, securely into the realm of abominable.

    In theory a person can 'do drugs' that he buys with his hard earned money, without stealing and without hurting society. That person wouldn't be a "bad guy" because of that. Perhaps that's a fault, perhaps not. The deceitful man you have been writing about though, is a bad guy.
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    Jun 04, 2010 5:12 PM GMT
    I [don't] know why you like him

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxrd_jZJxkg
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    Jun 05, 2010 12:04 AM GMT
    If I may ask, are you staying with him because you actually love him? Or are you scared of leaving him and being alone? Cause any man that did that to me would get the boot, he ain't decent.
  • joncfernan

    Posts: 216

    Jun 05, 2010 1:24 AM GMT
    I know I'm only 20 and my advice may not come with as much experience as the guys before me; but I've noticed in both your posts that you don't exactly sound too happy to be in this situation (regardless of whether you can/have dealt with the dishonesty or not). Don't be afraid to consider finding another road for yourself just because this your guy isn't a bad man. You sound like someone mature and kind spirited (especially if you can deal with all his lies with a good accepting attitude before thinking about the grim reality of it) and your kind of nature is needed everywhere. Theres alot of guys you'd make happy out there if you ever decided to call it quits with this one. Think it through - but make sure to keep YOUR happiness and peace of mind on top. We've only got one life - its not meant to be lived with doubts. icon_surprised.gif)
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    Jun 05, 2010 1:31 AM GMT
    jprichva said
    lilTanker saidIf I may ask, are you staying with him because you actually love him? Or are you scared of leaving him and being alone? Cause any man that did that to me would get the boot, he ain't decent.

    Damn right. Tanky threw me out just for eating crackers in bed!

    Dsmn straight!!!

    The only thing that gets eaten in my bed is me!!!!!
  • m4stanis

    Posts: 1

    Jun 05, 2010 1:31 AM GMT
    Time to be done with him.... your post answer it all for you.
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    Jun 05, 2010 2:34 AM GMT
    my husband has taken some addtional work within beyond his master degree. It is now over a year..and we have a few more months to go. We talked tonight and both admitted our relationship has been bruised my him being in classes and me left alone to go to the gym, vacations, night out, etc etc. We both know when it is over we will work hard to rebuild our relationship. I wouldnt say we are in trouble just at a low point in a lifetime relationship.
  • Hokenshi

    Posts: 387

    Jun 05, 2010 3:04 AM GMT
    It's over.

    Sorry to be so blunt but sometimes we hang onto unhealthy relationships because we fear being single and the unknown future.

    I've dated guys who have been dishonest, some were selfish, some lacked confidence and some were just a little messed up in the head, regardless of the reason if someone can stand there and BS to your face they don't respect or trust you.
    When it does end, and one of you will tire of it all and finish it, you'll feel like the fool for having tried so hard to help them, been there for them, make things work and having been the only one who was honest from the start.

    You risk him doing damage to your self confidence and that in turn could ruin future relationships.

    "Every relationship you're in will fail...until one doesn't" Dan Savage.

    As long as your can take something from this experience and learn from it then it wasn't a waste of time, it's something that will prepare you for the next guy who might be a better fit.

    I'd advise dumping him, hurting about it, thrown yourself into work/the gym/ re-runs of your favourite TV show/ whatever makes you happy, give yourself sometime to work things out in your head and then let life take you wherever it will.

    In time you may look back and feel relieved that your dodged a car wreck just waiting to happen.
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    Jun 05, 2010 3:13 AM GMT
    sfinboston saidmy husband has taken some addtional work within beyond his master degree. It is now over a year..and we have a few more months to go. We talked tonight and both admitted our relationship has been bruised my him being in classes and me left alone to go to the gym, vacations, night out, etc etc. We both know when it is over we will work hard to rebuild our relationship. I wouldnt say we are in trouble just at a low point in a lifetime relationship.

    That's understandable, but his situation is much, much different. The guy has been a liar the entire time. Sad for him.
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    Jun 05, 2010 3:19 AM GMT
    When somebody accuses you of multiple things with no proof or evidence. Just saying.
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    Jun 05, 2010 3:46 AM GMT
    chattrbox saidWhen somebody accuses you of multiple things with no proof or evidence. Just saying.


    or when someone lies to you and all this time chating was just a waste
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    Jun 05, 2010 3:51 AM GMT
    BELLO said
    chattrbox saidWhen somebody accuses you of multiple things with no proof or evidence. Just saying.


    or when someone lies to you and all this time chating was just a waste


    Even though the only reason someone thinks that the other person is lying is because they recieved an email saying things that everyone knew from an anonymous person. Shows trust issues if you ask me. You'd think you would be able to trust the person you love, but no. Guess it doesn't work that way.
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    Jun 05, 2010 4:02 AM GMT
    when someone lies it ends the love or like ends..thats what happens to big mouths