Coming out - or - letting in?

  • ShanksE

    Posts: 263

    Jun 05, 2010 5:56 PM GMT
    Very recently i had the opportunity to talk to an amazing individual. Brilliant mind, talented guy, and all that jazz. We were discussing the process of "coming out" when in the midst of the conversation he casually mentioned that back in the 70's he had "let his parents in" on his life and sexuality.

    When i asked him why he had chosen the term "letting in" instead of "coming out" he said that coming out had a negative connotation. It was as if you wanted to confess, wanted to tell something that you felt ought to be hidden Letting in, au contraire, is allowing people to enter into your life, giving access to those whom you want to . It meant sharing something beautiful with someone whom you care deeply for.

    Since then i have been thinking a lot about this and i must say i do agree. I would like to say that I have "let in" my friends and family into my world, my way of life rather than "come out" to them!

    What are your thoughts?
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    Jun 05, 2010 8:16 PM GMT
    I don't think there's enough room in the closet to let other people in. LOL, I like the phrase, I'm going to start using it more often. icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 05, 2010 8:26 PM GMT

    Brilliant!
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    Jun 05, 2010 8:45 PM GMT
    Very creative, and enlightening, way to state this. I clap my hands at this newfound statement icon_biggrin.gif
  • coastguy90814

    Posts: 661

    Jun 05, 2010 8:45 PM GMT
    Awesome man! Love the term "let in" but I think the term 'coming out' also implies being 'free!!" which is also good ;-)
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    Jun 05, 2010 9:19 PM GMT
    I've entered into a few other guys' closets. It's kinda fun actually.
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    Jun 05, 2010 9:31 PM GMT
    As some-one who has never come out. I have let people in, and sometimes still do. But I'm more inclined to go out, than let some-one into my home.
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    Jun 06, 2010 3:23 AM GMT
    Pattison saidAs some-one who has never come out. I have let people in, and sometimes still do. But I'm more inclined to go out, than let some-one into my home.


    LOL this is getting really confusing.
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    Jun 06, 2010 3:40 AM GMT
    IT's great, profound and sensitive. Adopted
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    Jun 06, 2010 3:50 AM GMT
    My right brain says: touching, creative, inspiring
    My left brain says: pointless semantics.
  • ShanksE

    Posts: 263

    Jun 06, 2010 5:02 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidI've entered into a few other guys' closets. It's kinda fun actually.


    how many of you were there? details, my dear sir! icon_twisted.gif
    LOL..
    thanks guys.. really interesting responses.. Yes, as meninlove rightly noted the phrase is very empowering and at the same time allowing others to get close to you!

    @conscienti1984: dont listen to your brain, ask your heart! icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 06, 2010 5:06 AM GMT
    conscienti1984 saidMy right brain says: touching, creative, inspiring
    My left brain says: pointless semantics.
    .

    I get what your saying but subtle nuances, over time, in the way things are said and couched can have an impact on how people perceive things. I rather like this term - letting in - and wonder if it will catch on.
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    Jun 06, 2010 5:38 AM GMT
    sashaman said
    conscienti1984 saidMy right brain says: touching, creative, inspiring
    My left brain says: pointless semantics.
    .

    I get what your saying but subtle nuances, over time, in the way things are said and couched can have an impact on how people perceive things. I rather like this term - letting in - and wonder if it will catch on.


    My hope is that before 'letting in' catches on, there won't be any reason to 'come out' or 'let in'--people can just Be.

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    Jun 06, 2010 5:42 AM GMT
    Well said. I think we're moving in that direction but slowly and there is still a long, long way to go.
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    Jun 06, 2010 5:43 AM GMT
    ShanksE said
    paulflexes saidI've entered into a few other guys' closets. It's kinda fun actually.


    how many of you were there? details, my dear sir! icon_twisted.gif
    LOL..
    thanks guys.. really interesting responses.. Yes, as meninlove rightly noted the phrase is very empowering and at the same time allowing others to get close to you!

    @conscienti1984: dont listen to your brain, ask your heart! icon_smile.gif


    My heart hasn't talked to me in 25.6548 years. icon_wink.gif
  • ShanksE

    Posts: 263

    Sep 07, 2010 4:27 PM GMT
    There were a couple of topics on the forum about Pride and coming out, which is why I might sound redundant here..

    But one of the reasons that I am posting on this thread is to hark back on the theme first discussed.. and that too in the context of social acceptance.. Jason in his post
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1130616

    mentioned that he had come out to his parents and everyone was talking about waiting to give them time to accept his being gay..


    These topics got me thinking, why do we crave so much for social recognition/acceptance to the point of having "Prides" and marches.. Is it more important to accept oneself or to have society accept you as well?

    To state that we should be accepted by society is based on the premise that we are marginalized, implying that we are not the mainstream, when in fact there may not be any mainstream existing.. Am I making any sense here? Oh how i wish I could verbalize my thoughts better.. icon_mad.gif

    Help me, ye pundits... pour in with your thoughts..
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    Sep 07, 2010 4:34 PM GMT
    conscienti1984 saidMy right brain says: touching, creative, inspiring
    My left brain says: pointless semantics.


    I suggest that you smother your left brain in the night.
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    Sep 07, 2010 4:34 PM GMT
    ShanksE saidThese topics got me thinking, why do we crave so much for social recognition/acceptance to the point of having "Prides" and marches.. Is it more important to accept oneself or to have society accept you as well?
    I was just thinking earlier today (which felt kinda weird, the thinking and all..)

    Anyway, if I had the time and resources, I'd do an official long-term survey to determine who accepts who more.

    My hypothesis is this: I think more gays hate themselves than straight people hate us.

    I would like to conduct a survey to determine whether or not that's correct; but I realize doing that on a few gay-oriented forums isn't going to give us the answer to that. It's just a project that could yield some very interesting results.
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    Sep 07, 2010 4:40 PM GMT
    Hey Paul, this, "My hypothesis is this: I think more gays hate themselves than straight people hate us." makes me think the reason is that gay people being brought up in environments where from the time they are young they are doused in 'gay = bad = sick' and then one day they discover that they're gay....

    -Doug
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Sep 07, 2010 4:51 PM GMT
    Interesting view. But it's odd that he views "coming out" as negative. To me coming out stems from the face we live in heterosexist society, where there is a presumption that we are all heterosexual. Sure, some people do not pass as straight, which is great. But, for most of us we have to correct people's assumptions. So, it's only negative if you're the one who has assumed incorrectly. To me, letting in seems like it's a bigger secret -- as in you let someone in on the fact you have a terminal disease, or that you lost your family at an early age. It seems "letting in" is more stigmatic than "coming out".
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    Sep 07, 2010 4:53 PM GMT
    lol. It's good that a thread evolves, but wow are there a lot of topics in this one! So that way I can just go and eat my breakfast, I'm just going to say that I'm going to use the term "letting in" exclusively now. It makes the person that you're talking to feel more empowered as well. Definitely an over all "power phrase."
  • rioriz

    Posts: 1056

    Sep 07, 2010 4:53 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    ShanksE saidThese topics got me thinking, why do we crave so much for social recognition/acceptance to the point of having "Prides" and marches.. Is it more important to accept oneself or to have society accept you as well?
    I was just thinking earlier today (which felt kinda weird, the thinking and all..)

    Anyway, if I had the time and resources, I'd do an official long-term survey to determine who accepts who more.

    My hypothesis is this: I think more gays hate themselves than straight people hate us.

    I would like to conduct a survey to determine whether or not that's correct; but I realize doing that on a few gay-oriented forums isn't going to give us the answer to that. It's just a project that could yield some very interesting results.


    I think this is fairly accurate and often described by the term "internal homophobia". We are taught that being gay is bad and not normal our whole lives. When we come to realize we are gay it is hard to shake the stigma that it is a bad thing. So we often over compensate when it comes to "being gay" as a way to prove to ourselves and the world that it is perfectly acceptable.

    Oh and I do love the new term. That guy better copyright it!
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    Sep 07, 2010 4:56 PM GMT
    I think the first problem is that people continue to use "we" as if they are able to speak for everyone, as if we are some giant Borg collective. In fact more often then not, these people are speaking to their own opinions.

    In general I think many people crave acceptance of one sort or another. However, I don't know that this is the only or main reason for Pride marches.

    Having said that, I think there is certainly truth to your statement for some. Others would likely say that Pride marches are a place where they are not asking for acceptance, but rather boldly saying that they don't need to conform to society's standards in order to live their lives openly and proudly.

    In other words Pride marches and the need for acceptance are two different topics that may only intersect for some.

    On your main topic, I like the idea of a "letting in", and it speaks to what I was saying above, it's all about the perspective of the individual.



    ShanksE said
    These topics got me thinking, why do we crave so much for social recognition/acceptance to the point of having "Prides" and marches.. Is it more important to accept oneself or to have society accept you as well?

    To state that we should be accepted by society is based on the premise that we are marginalized, implying that we are not the mainstream, when in fact there may not be any mainstream existing.. Am I making any sense here? Oh how i wish I could verbalize my thoughts better.. icon_mad.gif

    Help me, ye pundits... pour in with your thoughts..
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    Sep 07, 2010 5:14 PM GMT
    I actually really like this! Thanks for sharing!
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    Sep 07, 2010 5:24 PM GMT
    I guess we all do have one thing in common with the Borg collective; we were all assimilated at birth, and resistance is futile.