Dating in the closet?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 06, 2010 5:09 AM GMT
    I'm still in the closet, but want to start dating. I find it hard to date while in the closet. Online dating is an option, but people seem to be overly obsessed on looks. I could goto bars, but I'm afraid I'll run into someone I know in downtown.

    Has anyone here dated in the closet? How did you do it?
  • BardBear

    Posts: 533

    Jun 06, 2010 5:47 AM GMT
    The fact is, when you date, you are inherently out of the closet, even if it is to just one person--the one you are dating with. And if things go well, you'll never be able to share the wonder you had with this individual with anyone else, basically, since you'll still be "in."

    I'm just curious, what kind of depth are you going to find online? You might do better with individual from here--multiple posts gives you a much larger understanding of their personality traits and attributes. But encapsulate an entire individual in a paragraph or two? Not going to happen no matter how much of a wordsmith they are.

    Why bars? Why not the community center or something similar? I'm speaking from experience here. Heck, I met my partner online---but didn't met him until many months of chatting with him passed. Are you okay with that?

    I guess my question would be, if you are looking for a relationship instead of just the physical--that involves time. Are you ready to put in the time if you are looking online only?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 06, 2010 6:16 AM GMT
    I truly believe that a person completely transforms, or at least changes who they are once they come out. I think there are a few amount of gays who would say they were the same before and after they came out.

    That being said, I don't think it's worth to date someone who isn't 100% comfortable being themselves or really knowing what kind of person they are. They aren't ready to share themselves because they don't know themselves, you're falling in love with an alter-personality.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jun 06, 2010 3:42 PM GMT
    since when did not being out mean you were not comfortable with yourself. i am very comfortable with myself and i am not out. i agree with original poster but i don't really think it has anything to do with you not being out. i think it has more to do with there not really being enough quality guys available. i buddies that out and they find it just difficult to find a quality guy too. i do think it is a little more difficult to date when you are in the closet but trust me it is just as hard dating wether you are out or not.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 06, 2010 3:48 PM GMT
    Dating can be hard no matter your "out" status, or if its same sex or not. Im not out and have a great bf. he is in the same situation. I lost a guy because he wouldnt date someone who wasnt out. Stupid him, now he has an out guy, who wont date, only fuck. Life's about choices, you can meet someone online that fits your needs, just be very specific about what you are looking for.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 06, 2010 5:17 PM GMT
    The only people who are going to see you at a gay bar or club are other gay people. Relax, go out and meet somebody. Your life will be better for it.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Jun 06, 2010 5:25 PM GMT
    BardBear saidBut encapsulate an entire individual in a paragraph or two? Not going to happen no matter how much of a wordsmith they are.


    Um...
    You get to meet them before committing to a lifelong partnership...

    __________________________________________________________

    To the OP: Don't know your situation specifically, it is harder to date when not generally out and to some extent dating is almost inherently a partial coming out itself.
    As for the internet: well you can always use private photos and unlock. There's some risk, but honestly not that much... and there's always risk in life.
    Maybe don't trade pictures of you with "I am a FAG" scrawled on your body.

    As for bars, etc. Well, statistically, the people you meet there are much more likely to be gay themselves, so there's less of an issue to being out.

    No real 'solution'. It's a risk/reward game for you.
    An older friend of mine is very much in the closet (and has very good reasons to be). Met a guy online, had an online relationship, and eventually had the latter move in with him. It can be done, though tough.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Jun 06, 2010 5:30 PM GMT
    Yeah, if you run into someone at a gay bar, then they're gay too, and will likely respect the fact that you don't want everybody to know.

    And though unlikely, if they were straight, they'd still not judge you, cuz you're both in a gay bar. Clearly, he's ok with it.

    Running into someone is kind of win-win. You'd have someone to talk to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 06, 2010 5:36 PM GMT
    BardBear said...-multiple posts gives you a much larger understanding of their personality traits and attributes.


    mmm maybe that is why no-one from here wants to marry me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 06, 2010 5:44 PM GMT
    gta129 saidI'm still in the closet, but want to start dating. I find it hard to date while in the closet. Online dating is an option, but people seem to be overly obsessed on looks. I could goto bars, but I'm afraid I'll run into someone I know in downtown.

    Has anyone here dated in the closet? How did you do it?


    Review your priorities dealing with your personal life.
    Do you want to remain single or alone?
    Do you want to be frustrated?
    Do you want to live a shadowy life of lies and fear because of other peoples' projections?
    Do you want all the above to just fester in you and progressively ruin your spirit as time goes on?

    Have you considered that slowly 'coming out', step-by-step, will be the beginning of real vibrant life for you within modern society?

    Do you want to live life as a human being or regret having wasted your years without any real chance of finding genuine reciprocal love?

    As others have said on these threads, the people who go to gay bars are either gay or gay friendly. At bars you confront people face to face, speak and get the feeling for what they're about. There are all types of gay people, just like all other groups of people. It's about time you figure out who you are, and, who you aren't. It sounds like bars would be a good start for you.

    Have courage and faith in your mission. It's well worth the (step-by-step) plunge. I think we will all agree that you will be happier in the long run.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 06, 2010 6:22 PM GMT
    Maybe you should use a4a site because it has so many closet dudes
  • mtneerman

    Posts: 476

    Jun 06, 2010 6:48 PM GMT
    if your not ready to come out for whatever reason, then don't. you can live a happy normal life not being out. i did it for several years without any shadowy, festering bullshit. there are all types of guys online, not just the ones overly obsessed by looks. i have met some really great guys online and made some strong lasting friendships. you just have to be patient, and get to know the guy. some pics on your profile would definitely help tho, even if you don't show your face.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 06, 2010 10:12 PM GMT
    Rodmramer saidMaybe you should use a4a site because it has so many closet dudes


    lol A4A. Only use that if you want to meet a desperate 4 (out of 10) with STDs.

    OP: I dated my boyfriend while he was still in the closet. It was awkward but we made it work until he eventually got the whole coming out process over with. Things are even better now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 07, 2010 5:12 AM GMT
    Thanks for the posts guys. I really appreciate it.

    About the running into someone I know at a gay bar..........It's not that I'm afraid I'll run into them in the bar, it's more of them seeing me go into the bar or coming out of it. Most of the gay bars are in Church st. in downtown Toronto. That's really close to University of Toronto, where many of my friends goto. I'm just paranoid someone might see me go in.

    I know it sounds really stupid, but for someone who's in the closet like me, that's the worse thing possible.

    I want to start dating, cause then I would have someone to talk too. I actually want to date someone in the closet, so we can really understand each other.

    I do want to come out, but when I'm ready. In the past four months I really made progress. I went from denying my sexuality to accepting it. I'm beginning to face my sexuality. I need to be able to grasp it fully before I can come out. People on the internet always tell me to come out and make it sound so easy. But it's not all that easy, especially if your parents are from a different culture and your friends constantly marks gay people.

    People always say thing like, they understand and they won't judge. But when you open up to them, that's when you start to see the hatred in their eyes.
  • ja89

    Posts: 789

    Jun 07, 2010 5:34 AM GMT
    im dating someone and we're both in the closet. it surely can be done and dont let anyone else tell you different. im not really into PDA neither is he and what goes on when the doors close are between Me, Him, and God. we still go on dates and we still go out together places. it can be done, just remember that you wont have PDA as much as you want it. there are times where you can be open with everything when out but for the most part it's do-able. take your time coming out if you want and enjoy life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 07, 2010 6:30 AM GMT
    1. Dating while is the closet is fucking stupid, and destined to fail.

    2. Of course we're obsessed with looks. Have you noticed the name of this site?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 07, 2010 11:11 AM GMT
    gta129 saidThanks for the posts guys. I really appreciate it.

    About the running into someone I know at a gay bar..........It's not that I'm afraid I'll run into them in the bar, it's more of them seeing me go into the bar or coming out of it. Most of the gay bars are in Church st. in downtown Toronto. That's really close to University of Toronto, where many of my friends goto. I'm just paranoid someone might see me go in.

    I know it sounds really stupid, but for someone who's in the closet like me, that's the worse thing possible.

    I want to start dating, cause then I would have someone to talk too. I actually want to date someone in the closet, so we can really understand each other.

    I do want to come out, but when I'm ready. In the past four months I really made progress. I went from denying my sexuality to accepting it. I'm beginning to face my sexuality. I need to be able to grasp it fully before I can come out. People on the internet always tell me to come out and make it sound so easy. But it's not all that easy, especially if your parents are from a different culture and your friends constantly marks gay people.

    People always say thing like, they understand and they won't judge. But when you open up to them, that's when you start to see the hatred in their eyes.


    Good for you!

    Speaking with guys in gay bars and you'll hear so many coming out stories. Most people (maybe over 75% ?) were in such situations and can understand and reassure you. Even just listening to their conversations is enlightening. It's a great learning process. You'll see how you are far from a rare case.

    As for people seeing you when you go in and out of the bars- if it comes up you can say that you know gay (or gay friendly) men who like to meet there. No lie and the more you go the truer it will be.

    Remember who you are, and who you are not. If your "friends" "constantly marks gay people", they may not really be friends. Or, hopefully, they will learn from you that gays are just like the rest of the population and will continue to be your friends.

    I hope you learn to enjoy the positive energy running through your body after you are eventually able to realize that you did the right thing and don't have to closet yourself anymore.

    Best of luck and enjoy freedom!

    P.S.- consider how lucky you potentially are with the option of legal marriage in your country!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 07, 2010 3:11 PM GMT
    ja89 saidim dating someone and we're both in the closet. it surely can be done and dont let anyone else tell you different. im not really into PDA neither is he and what goes on when the doors close are between Me, Him, and God. we still go on dates and we still go out together places. it can be done, just remember that you wont have PDA as much as you want it. there are times where you can be open with everything when out but for the most part it's do-able. take your time coming out if you want and enjoy life.


    How did you know he was gay or how did he know you were gay? Cause the trouble with dating in the closet is, you can't tell who's gay and who's not. So I have trouble approaching people and offending the wrong person.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 07, 2010 3:17 PM GMT
    BuddyinNYC said

    Good for you!

    Speaking with guys in gay bars and you'll hear so many coming out stories. Most people (maybe over 75% ?) were in such situations and can understand and reassure you. Even just listening to their conversations is enlightening. It's a great learning process. You'll see how you are far from a rare case.

    As for people seeing you when you go in and out of the bars- if it comes up you can say that you know gay (or gay friendly) men who like to meet there. No lie and the more you go the truer it will be.

    Remember who you are, and who you are not. If your "friends" "constantly marks gay people", they may not really be friends. Or, hopefully, they will learn from you that gays are just like the rest of the population and will continue to be your friends.

    I hope you learn to enjoy the positive energy running through your body after you are eventually able to realize that you did the right thing and don't have to closet yourself anymore.

    Best of luck and enjoy freedom!

    P.S.- consider how lucky you potentially are with the option of legal marriage in your country!


    My friends are not bad people, they just don't have the best understanding of the gay community. These are some of the most open minded and liberating people I have met. However most friends between 19-20. That's the age where you still have bit of high school left in you. And high school was all about gay jokes. One of my best friend, whom I share all my stuff with, has a Christian upbringing. We often have political debates with each other and to some extend his views are influenced by the Church. But he's not that influenced by religion as he was before. So hopefully I can get him to understand about gay community before I can come out to him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 07, 2010 4:01 PM GMT
    gta129 saidMy friends are not bad people, they just don't have the best understanding of the gay community. These are some of the most open minded and liberating people I have met. However most friends between 19-20. That's the age where you still have bit of high school left in you. And high school was all about gay jokes. One of my best friend, whom I share all my stuff with, has a Christian upbringing. We often have political debates with each other and to some extend his views are influenced by the Church. But he's not that influenced by religion as he was before. So hopefully I can get him to understand about gay community before I can come out to him.


    Too bad that there seems not to have been a positive example of an impressive gay person in high school which would have gotten them enlightened earlier on. Hopefully that will still come to them within a few years.

    Some people who are still influenced by their "church" (religious place) are gay or gay friendly. Some genuine "churches" are genuinely gay or gay friendly. Also some people don't 'wear' either their sexuality or their religious beliefs on their sleeve, but still are without hesitation or shame. One may be surprised how many of these people exist. Some people don't flaunt it but still have deep beliefs and tendencies. Commentary and interpretation are very important to justify things in life.

    As for parents from a different culture- if they love you that is the determining factor and they will continue to love you. It might take some time for them to get used to it. They may well have known for many years and just hoped it wasn't the case. (Parents are products of the same traditional stigmas that we all go through.) As long as they know you now, they will know the same person once you come out. The difference is will their child find a BF / spouse that they approve of? Sometimes there's never an end to that - straight or gay!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 07, 2010 4:03 PM GMT
    come out.
  • Daniepwils

    Posts: 151

    Jun 07, 2010 4:15 PM GMT
    .Just come out (I know that is harder said than done, but it makes all the difference in the world). I was lucky enough to have parents who love me no matter what. My parents have said I have become so much more open and amazing since coming out. I think my dad and I are bonding more than I have ever in my life. We can make jokes about "gay" innuendos and such.
    (Don't take offense, in my family we all make fun of ourselves, have to have a think skin).

    For instance, on Mother's Day I gave my mom a Mother's Day card basically saying, Your little princess wants to wish you a Happy Mother's Day. They laughed so hard.

    They just thank god I am not flaming (lol).

    But seriously, coming out will be so much easier, you don't have to do it all at once, you can do it in stages. Which is what I am doing. I am not fully out. Only my immediate family, close friends and a few friends at work, boss included.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 07, 2010 4:21 PM GMT
    Dating actually got me OUT of the closet.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 07, 2010 4:41 PM GMT
    BuddyinNYC said


    Too bad that there seems not to have been a positive example of an impressive gay person in high school which would have gotten them enlightened earlier on. Hopefully that will still come to them within a few years.

    Some people who are still influenced by their "church" (religious place) are gay or gay friendly. Some genuine "churches" are genuinely gay or gay friendly. Also some people don't 'wear' either their sexuality or their religious beliefs on their sleeve, but still are without hesitation or shame. One may be surprised how many of these people exist. Some people don't flaunt it but still have deep beliefs and tendencies. Commentary and interpretation are very important to justify things in life.

    As for parents from a different culture- if they love you that is the determining factor and they will continue to love you. It might take some time for them to get used to it. They may well have known for many years and just hoped it wasn't the case. (Parents are products of the same traditional stigmas that we all go through.) As long as they know you now, they will know the same person once you come out. The difference is will their child find a BF / spouse that they approve of? Sometimes there's never an end to that - straight or gay!


    There was only one example of LGBT in my school. She was a transvestite. I remember when she talking on the bully awareness assembly, she said she was pushed down the stairs at school and beaten up on way to home. The funny thing is everyone is my school was supper nice to me. I was never bullied or even saw anyone else getting bullied. So I'm not sure why or how she was beaten.

    Everyone will be nice and friendly with you, as long as you are like them and can fit in.

    And about my parents. I know they will love me even if I'm gay, but the questions is will they like me?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2010 2:45 AM GMT
    gta129 said
    There was only one example of LGBT in my school. [...] The funny thing is everyone is my school was supper nice to me. I was never bullied or even saw anyone else getting bullied. So I'm not sure why or how she was beaten.

    Everyone will be nice and friendly with you, as long as you are like them and can fit in.

    And about my parents. I know they will love me even if I'm gay, but the questions is will they like me?


    I think this is a universal key that you mentioned:
    Everyone will be nice and friendly with you, as long as you [...] can fit in.

    People don't like different until they learn from others that it's ok or something special and even good. That's what a closeted person apparently has to show his associates, friends and family - that he fits in like everyone else and his differences aren't threatening to them.

    As for family, several levels.
    You're beginning to make a new world for yourself, beginning with college. You'll have more and more personal priorities that will consume your day to day life. Since you know that they will love you- wonderful and comforting.
    But what if they wont like you at the same time? You'll have to accept whatever happens in that respect. The alternative is to fuel family hostilities based on sexual orientation which is probably very futile and not worth the upset for anyone. -- But at the same time, why shouldn't they still like you since you're still the same person, just that they know more about your intimate life.