This is out of my control

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2010 5:23 AM GMT
    My friend claims not to have feelings for me and so wants to be friends with benefits. The thing is that he knows I don't wanna go there, but he would risk my being uncomfortable so he can get what he wants. He doesn't like the idea of me being involved with anyone else, in fact he detests the idea. Which hurts because I would hope that my friends would be happy for me if I found someone. So I don't talk about dating, sex, etc. with him out of respect.

    And thing is he has feelings for me and I know this now, but he has been uncomfortable around me for months because he never got a chance to tell me how's he been feeling in person; he says he didn't do it because of the issues I have going on in my life now. The problem there is that he never made the attempt to tell me in any way, shape, or form.

    I don't even know if we can continue to be friends, but if we do it won't be same because I can't change how he feels.
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    Jun 06, 2010 5:33 AM GMT

    ".....I can't change how he feels."

    No, you can't.

    Tell him again you don't want to go there and ask if there is an issue with respecting that. Perhaps ask if he'd want you to feel uncomfortable, because you would and tell him the discomfort would damage your friendship.
    You guys might need a breather after this.


    -Doug
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    Jun 06, 2010 12:03 PM GMT
    tryingtolive saidMy friend claims not to have feelings for me and so wants to be friends with benefits. The thing is that he knows I don't wanna go there, but he would risk my being uncomfortable so he can get what he wants. He doesn't like the idea of me being involved with anyone else, in fact he detests the idea. Which hurts because I would hope that my friends would be happy for me if I found someone. So I don't talk about dating, sex, etc. with him out of respect.

    And thing is he has feelings for me and I know this now, but he has been uncomfortable around me for months because he never got a chance to tell me how's he been feeling in person; he says he didn't do it because of the issues I have going on in my life now. The problem there is that he never made the attempt to tell me in any way, shape, or form.

    I don't even know if we can continue to be friends, but if we do it won't be same because I can't change how he feels.


    For me personally there is nothing more attractive in a prospective lover than his sense of integrity or dignity; your friend seems to have neither one of those virtues. If someone doesn't honor trust in friendship how in the hell is one going to be able to trust them as a lover? so now that you know his intentions on you the next move or decision is entirely up to you!


    Leandro ♥
  • rnch

    Posts: 11525

    Jun 06, 2010 12:31 PM GMT
    he wants ya'll to be fuck buddies only; yet he doesn't want you involved with anyone else?

    "that dog don't hunt!" as we say here in the south. sumpin's wroooong heah!

    he sounds like he is a very selfish, immature guy who "wants his cake and eat it too".

    WHY would you even consider such an unequal arrangement?

    i wonder if this guys is even really your friend.icon_question.gif
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    Jun 06, 2010 3:02 PM GMT
    you're not in a relationship with him and he's trying to control you. You said he's trying to get you in this situation because he's trying to satisfy HIS needs without regard to you...there is nothing in that statement that sounds like he's being a friend at all.

    My advice is to cut this person out of your life completely. The last thing you need in your life is someone trying to control you. Ask yourself, what about this friendship is good and valuable? Also, maybe you should stop being so open with him about conversations with your sex life. He wants to be FWB, fine. But part of being a FWB is the FRIENDS part. The benefits are just bonus.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 06, 2010 3:28 PM GMT
    This sounds like the other thread about the RJ member who already had sex with his friend and now isn't sure whether the friendship will continue... but in reverse so to speak.

    He's seized control of the dialogue and you aren't sure about your own thoughts at this point. Also if you are having issues and he knows your working through some major things, its damn self centered for him to put this on you.

    If you want to have sex with him, do it, but consider the consequences with him and you. If you aren't into it, but want his platonic friendship, communicate.
    If he's still giving the "I want you" stuff, you have a decision to make. If you don't want it and he keep it up, you don't have a friend.
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    Jun 06, 2010 4:45 PM GMT
    rnch saidhe wants ya'll to be fuck buddies only; yet he doesn't want you involved with anyone else?

    he sounds like he is a very selfish, immature guy who "wants his cake and eat it too".

    QFT

    Your friend wants all the benefits of a relationship (sex and a partner that is there only for him), but none of the responsibilities (loving you, trying to make you happy).

    You have to take control and do what makes you happy. If the current 'terms and conditions' make you unhappy, then end it. That is not selfish.

    Maybe your friend can see the error of his ways and commit to you as a bf? Maybe you have to end the benefits and become just friends?
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    Jun 06, 2010 4:48 PM GMT
    tryingtolive said
    I don't even know if we can continue to be friends....


    THIS part is in your control.
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    Jun 06, 2010 7:05 PM GMT
    Thanks so much for all your answers. There's nothing more to talk about. I was just told by a friend of mine feels that I chose other people over him romantically. Even though I made it clear to him that I have no interest in him in that way. He's still holding out hope, but I apologized because I knew that this would hurt him, but I can't and won't apologize for how I feel because I have to be honest with him and more importantly myself.

    He still wants what he wants despite how I feel. Does that sound like friend to you? Because it doesn't to me. He's even admitted to putting me in a position where I would lean toward having sex with him and then he tells me I should have seen it coming and if I had just gone through with it we wouldn't be in this mess. The reason why I didn't see anything like this coming is because I honestly didn't know and always gave him the benefit of the doubt that he would respect my decision to just keep a platonic relationship and not to try anything like this.

    This is made all the sadder because him, me, and another friend went yesterday to the movies and had a good time since I haven't seen both of them for three months because I had surgery; only for us to argue about this matter for over two hours.

    We talked about everything yesterday and didn't reach a resolution If he can't respect me for being my own man, it seems to me he has some personal maturity problems to deal with. If he's going to be a drama llama over how *I* live *my* life, perhaps it's best to let him go for now.

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    Jun 06, 2010 7:22 PM GMT
    tryingtolive saidHe still wants what he wants despite how I feel...

    ...it seems to me he has some personal maturity problems to deal with. If he's going to be a drama llama over how *I* live *my* life, perhaps it's best to let him go for now.

    You have answered your own question. Not surprising to me; I read your stuff here with great admiration. One of the best writers RJ has, your things are beautiful, no, exquisite in their clarity and construction, not to mention the thoughts expressed in them.

    Most men, and young men in particular, can be ruled by their dicks. It's worse when their dick is immature, inexperienced, and confused. It has urges, but can't clearly express them, doesn't itself really know what it wants.

    I think this dick, and its owner (or is it the other way around at this point?) are not yet ready for prime time. He might be worth a revisit in a few years, but I concur with you, now is not that time yet.
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    Jun 06, 2010 8:11 PM GMT
    I agree with Wilton! the OP presented his situation with a lot of maturity and clarity! nice to see a young gay man showing such level of maturity and wisdom!


    Leandro ♥
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    Jun 06, 2010 8:16 PM GMT
    this has happened to me a few times in my life with guys and there has never been a positive outcome, his feelings wont go away because he wills them to. Best thing to do is to cut him off , give him as much time away from you as possible. If you are meant to be friends , you will find each other again.