Shift of Perception on Dating After Moving to NYC

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2010 3:09 AM GMT
    I moved from the Bay Area to NYC and it has been about 18 months. In that time period, my perception on dating or just meeting people in general has changed dramatically. I'm not proud to admit it, but the major change I've noticed is I've grown more leery or untrusting of people's motives. Has anyone had similar experiences? Not just moving to NYC, but it could be moving from one city to the next.
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    Jun 07, 2010 6:36 AM GMT
    fireofenigma saidI moved from the Bay Area to NYC and it has been about 18 months. In that time period, my perception on dating or just meeting people in general has changed dramatically. I'm not proud to admit it, but the major change I've noticed is I've grown more leery or untrusting of people's motives. Has anyone had similar experiences? Not just moving to NYC, but it could be moving from one city to the next.


    Please the bay area is just as bad. I remember going to visit and everyone had a boyfriend but was still looking to fuck
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    Jun 07, 2010 2:14 PM GMT
    I have had several experiencs with dating guys in New York. There is a certain type of guy there, not unique to New York, as Los Angeles can be a similar magnet, but let's say guys who are looking to 'hook-onto' that whatever. Typically they are the fledgling 'actor.'

    Not that acting is a bad thing, but they do have the 'act' in place whether their aim is your appendage or your wallet.

    Having said thyat, relax and have fun. For that such an experience truly can be.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Jun 07, 2010 2:48 PM GMT
    fireofenigma saidI moved from the Bay Area to NYC and it has been about 18 months. In that time period, my perception on dating or just meeting people in general has changed dramatically. I'm not proud to admit it, but the major change I've noticed is I've grown more leery or untrusting of people's motives. Has anyone had similar experiences? Not just moving to NYC, but it could be moving from one city to the next.


    Wait. I'm curious.
    Untrusting of... what exactly?
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    Jun 08, 2010 1:56 AM GMT
    neosyllogy said
    fireofenigma saidI moved from the Bay Area to NYC and it has been about 18 months. In that time period, my perception on dating or just meeting people in general has changed dramatically. I'm not proud to admit it, but the major change I've noticed is I've grown more leery or untrusting of people's motives. Has anyone had similar experiences? Not just moving to NYC, but it could be moving from one city to the next.


    Wait. I'm curious.
    Untrusting of... what exactly?


    What drives people to say or do the things they do; honestly, I'm not quite sure how else I'd further clarify it.

    I'm really just trying to compare my experience with others and why they think it's similar or different. Could it be that I hung out with a certain group of people or that experiences are very similar to others that maybe it could be narrowed in around there's a certain mentality that pervades NYC. I mean it's not unknown that NY is a very dense city and the city itself, apart from the gay community, there's a get ahead mentality.
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    Jun 09, 2010 8:45 AM GMT
    Hmm this concerns me because I'm a romantic, monogamous relationship kind of guy and moving to NYC next week. icon_eek.gif

    I guess I should take this as a warning that I will be single for the next few years.
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    Jun 09, 2010 8:53 AM GMT
    fireofenigma said
    neosyllogy said
    fireofenigma saidI moved from the Bay Area to NYC and it has been about 18 months. In that time period, my perception on dating or just meeting people in general has changed dramatically. I'm not proud to admit it, but the major change I've noticed is I've grown more leery or untrusting of people's motives. Has anyone had similar experiences? Not just moving to NYC, but it could be moving from one city to the next.


    Wait. I'm curious.
    Untrusting of... what exactly?


    What drives people to say or do the things they do; honestly, I'm not quite sure how else I'd further clarify it.

    I'm really just trying to compare my experience with others and why they think it's similar or different. Could it be that I hung out with a certain group of people or that experiences are very similar to others that maybe it could be narrowed in around there's a certain mentality that pervades NYC. I mean it's not unknown that NY is a very dense city and the city itself, apart from the gay community, there's a get ahead mentality.


    Of course there is, there's like 20 million people in that city
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    Jun 09, 2010 10:55 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI think it has a lot to do with NYC. The gay men I've met in NYC were the most aggressive liars. I don't know what the draw is to live there. I am sure once you make friends that you can make some loyal east coast friends for life. But this is void of sexual tension and the whole dating scene. The NYC dating scene is a bit wretched.


    But MEN ALL OVER THE WORLD lie aggressively.
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    Jun 09, 2010 11:17 AM GMT
    Give yourself some more time to adjust to living here. I think it takes a minimum of 2 years. I moved to NYC three years ago and I met my share of flakes and crazies. I canceled my account with Manhunt, among other sites, and quit going to the clubs. I decided I would just be single and enjoy my life when I met my partner - an amazing man.

    I now feel like I have a great group of friends and I continue to meet other people through them. I don't really hang around with many of the people I first met when I moved here, especially since most of them would flake out when we made plans.

    I also have to add I met my share of flakes and liars before I moved to NYC.

    The great thing about NYC is that you can do things on your own and no one looks twice - which presents great opportunities to meet people.

    Don't give up!
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jun 09, 2010 11:22 AM GMT
    I have lived in the south and in NY/NJ.
    If you had come from LA it probably wouldn't have shocked you so much.
    If you can't advance them in someway they aren't interested. Everyone is a stepping stone. It has nothing to do with being new there. It's how they tend to treat everyone. Nothing wrong with that. NY is a tough place to live and work so getting any advantage you can is just necessary. Don't take it personally.
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    Jun 09, 2010 11:55 AM GMT
    First off.. I live in NYC and have had reasonably good luck dating and meeting people for friendships. In fact much easier time than I ever did in the Bay Area where I grew up.

    I do think the first year to 18 months in any new location will be a time of meeting lots of people, good and bad, and having to weed through them to find the quality guys one would want in his life. This will happen no matter where one chooses to live. Granted in NYC there is a greater concentration of people so one will meet more good and bad then they may in other areas. To generalize that NYC is more difficult and has more liars than other places is a bit on the extreme side Percentage for percentage it is probably the same and may even be better given that MANY gay guys that live here do not get into the "scene" of it all.

    To the OP....welcome and look for other ways to meet guys. Volunteering and sports leagues are always a good choices.
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    Jun 20, 2010 2:37 AM GMT
    Yes... Moved to Saint Louis from Minneapolis and apparently at some distance between the two metro cities... the people change and it has kinda made me stray from dating and sexual activity.
    At times I think it is me being too intuitive and set in my standards for people who may love the same, but behave differently than what you expect...
    Tough spot icon_confused.gif
  • italguynj

    Posts: 250

    Jun 22, 2010 11:39 PM GMT
    Living in the NYC area all my life, I would tend to agree with the man who posted this comment. Although, I would not take it so seriously.

    NYC is very big, fast paced, very convenient, extremely competitive and could be difficult to live in if you are not used to the vibe of the city. Because of these traits, at times it could make someone leery and untrustworthy of others. Its more of a defense mechanism than it is rudeness.

    Also, dating in NYC is very difficult. It goes back to my theory of "how many items there are on a menu equals the likelihood of engaging in meaningful dating experience" scenario. Simply, the more available men, the more hooking up and less solid dating/relationships. The less available men the more likely you will make the best of what you have and dating could be more substantial. Clearly, this is painting with a broad brush but it does seem to be true most of the time. No one move to NYC to find a husband, get a dog and a house with a white picket fence. And if they do, they learn fast that NYC is not made from that cloth.
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    Jun 22, 2010 11:48 PM GMT
    Great comments from everyone. Don't give up. Be yourself, be kind and generous with your time, and never lie. You will find someone. Finding The One is possible anywhere. Joining a gay sports league or leisure activity club are great ideas for meeting guys without any pressure of hooking up. For me, these have been way better than any dating/hookup site out there. You've got to have something to talk about other than how great you both look naked.
  • laxdude25

    Posts: 604

    Jun 22, 2010 11:56 PM GMT
    I think NYC has tons of great, friendly guys who are looking for a grounded relationship and/or friendship. there are also lots of great ways to meet guys, either through sports leagues, volunteer groups. i think the gay dating and bar scene can be tough, but you don't have to get involved with that. reach out to some of the nyc real jockers, and i think u'l find some good guides. Good luck!
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    Jun 23, 2010 12:08 AM GMT
    Perhaps the difficulty can be attributed to "culture shock." When I moved to the East Coast from Texas, I had an extremely difficult time making friends or dating because of cultural differences. People on the East Coast tend to be very aggressive and blunt (sweeping generalization). It was difficult for me to adjust to the change given that people in the South tend to be more laid back and subdued (another sweeping generalization). Give it some time and be open minded to the cultural differences.
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    Jun 23, 2010 12:31 AM GMT
    back2nyc saidNYC is a "single's" city...even most Str8 people in New York find it hard to make connections or find the right relationship. On the other hand - NYC is the easiest place to find dates... when I lived in New York full time I was going on 20 dates a week... lol.. yes sometimes even 2-3 times a day... it's easy to meet people.. but not easy to hang on to them.

    I suggest you try alternative ways to meet people in New York... and look for the artistic types.. avoid the go-getter corporate guys.. they just want to find someone better than god.. and will never find it.. till then they hang on to their high paid salaries and bonuses for self-fulfillment. You can join the Lincoln center and start going to events where you will meet more normal, intellectual new yorkers. Avoid the chelsea crowd... they are not human.. When I am in NYC - I stick to meeting people from the Upper West side, Upper East side and sometimes Soho or even West village. I completely avoid chelsea / midtown - only a certain type of people live in those areas... and they are not neccessarily bad people but just not the "settling" types... meaning they dont even want to settle for a long term friendship.



    I couldn't have said better myself! this is true.


    Leandro ♥
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    Jun 23, 2010 12:38 AM GMT
    Many people go to New York looking to advance themselves in some way.... its the center of Finance, an Arts/Cultural hub of the US.... So that means people there are out for themselves. The vibe of NYC to me is all about narcissism. It's got a lot of very beautiful people... who are at the same time really ugly.

    I recall going there recently... I went to some guy's house with my cousin who lives there... it was a small party.

    He's a designer... he lives in the condo on the 39th floor with a view of the midtown skyline, including the empire state bldg....with 2 small toy dogs. He has a boyfriend who is 19 years his junior (he is 43). He was dressed like a 20 year old and he served Veuve Cliquot like it was water (I cant complain about that)..... for some reason though, the whole vibe just rubbed me the wrong way. The gay boys all looked around and whispered to each other... only one person came to talk to me. A straight guy who was there with his GF. Everyone seemed to try so hard. they all had to be on top of the latest fashion trends... they all smoked like it was their job. They had sushi instead of chips and dip. lol. I am no stranger to money but it just seemed very forced..... very fake.

    I feel like these people dont know who they are, so they just create something.

    Anyway... best of luck to you, OP. In the end it comes down to the chemistry between the individuals.... just keep your head up and you'll find someone. 12 million people... there has a to be a couple decent ones!
  • italguynj

    Posts: 250

    Jun 23, 2010 12:42 AM GMT
    from Back2NYC "NYC is the easiest place to find dates... when I lived in New York full time I was going on 20 dates a week... lol.. yes sometimes even 2-3 times a day... it's easy to meet people.. but not easy to hang on to them. "

    Your quote above reinforces my theory which I posted on here. However, I would never label a meeting or two a "date". So what is the point of meeting 20 guys a week if in the end you cant hang on to them? I have been in that boat as well so I know what you are saying and I am not judging. In the 21st century with all different internet and mobile devices, you get lost easily. There is too much out there and no one focuses on one thing. The only benefit of meeting so many men is that you can increase your facebook friends by 10 fold. However it does not help in the TRUE friendship or dating department.
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    Jun 23, 2010 12:54 AM GMT
    This is a bit of a generalization. What's with all the hate toward NYC?

    There's flaky men everywhere, not just New York. I realize NYC isn't for everyone but it might be more about how you're approaching the New York dating scene.

    You're probably looking in the wrong places for love. Stop going to clubs and don't look for datable men in Chelsea. NYC is a fast paced city where people need to get places but beneath the buzz are social opportunities and chances to make connections with other guys. There are some really great guys in NYC.

    There's lots of gay sports clubs you can join in the city, whatever you're interested in there's probably an organization for it, there's tons of single gay men moving to the city who are looking for someone like you. You just need to readjust the context your looking for them in.

    Don't write everyone off just yet, you can meet any type of guy you can think of in New York- the number of people living in the city is really in your favor. You'll find someone when you least expect it.

    Hope that helps.
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    Jun 23, 2010 1:09 AM GMT
    nyc guys are the same as guys anywhere else. there are just more of us per category is all. keep at it - what's for you, you will get
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    Jun 23, 2010 1:12 AM GMT
    back2nyc saidNYC is a "single's" city...even most Str8 people in New York find it hard to make connections or find the right relationship. On the other hand - NYC is the easiest place to find dates... when I lived in New York full time I was going on 20 dates a week... lol.. yes sometimes even 2-3 times a day... it's easy to meet people.. but not easy to hang on to them.

    I suggest you try alternative ways to meet people in New York... and look for the artistic types.. avoid the go-getter corporate guys.. they just want to find someone better than god.. and will never find it.. till then they hang on to their high paid salaries and bonuses for self-fulfillment. You can join the Lincoln center and start going to events where you will meet more normal, intellectual new yorkers. Avoid the chelsea crowd... they are not human.. When I am in NYC - I stick to meeting people from the Upper West side, Upper East side and sometimes Soho or even West village. I completely avoid chelsea / midtown - only a certain type of people live in those areas... and they are not neccessarily bad people but just not the "settling" types... meaning they dont even want to settle for a long term friendship.




    Wow..20 days a week??? I wonder if I could get that many dates! I cant wait to move there..
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    Jun 23, 2010 1:14 AM GMT
    fireofenigma saidI moved from the Bay Area to NYC and it has been about 18 months. In that time period, my perception on dating or just meeting people in general has changed dramatically. I'm not proud to admit it, but the major change I've noticed is I've grown more leery or untrusting of people's motives. Has anyone had similar experiences? Not just moving to NYC, but it could be moving from one city to the next.


    I would trust people in NYC over Seattle or Los Angeles. From my experience, people SHOW UP ON TIME in New York, and are honest when they don't like me. In Seattle, they play games, and in Los Angeles they're more flakey than a homeless person's head.

    As for flakes in New York, chances are they are transplants who moved to New York to pollute it's "candor and bluntness" reputation with their midwest "talk behind their back, be nice to their face" bullshit.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jun 23, 2010 1:18 AM GMT
    Chicago, checking in. It's not much better here either. I find guys say one thing but really mean another lol. So now until I find a guy to seriously date, I have a plain old fashioned fuck buddy.icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 23, 2010 2:50 AM GMT
    fireofenigma saidI moved from the Bay Area to NYC and it has been about 18 months. In that time period, my perception on dating or just meeting people in general has changed dramatically. I'm not proud to admit it, but the major change I've noticed is I've grown more leery or untrusting of people's motives. Has anyone had similar experiences? Not just moving to NYC, but it could be moving from one city to the next.


    I could think of a dozen places in the city or even east or west of the Hudson River where you can join many interest groups to meet quality gay men. Here in the NYC area you no longer just have to go where gay men congregate. You can find nice gay men either for friendship or something more who are not into head games anywhere in the city, just avoid the exclusively gay scene and I can assure you will find just what you are looking for. Good luck!!


    Leandro ♥