Afraid of taking the steps...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2010 5:47 AM GMT
    So, I'm not out to a lot of people. This whole liking guys thing has been around for a couple of years now, but I haven't dated or had a bf at all, I've mostly just fooled around.
    Well, there's this guy that I've kinda hit it off with. We've hung out a couple of times. He's not really the type that I've pictured myself dating. He's not athletic, he's shorter than me, and he's got some fem tendencies that I don't really care for. But at the same time she's nice, romantic, cute, funny, and fun to cuddle with.
    The thing is, I've never dated a guy before. Honestly, I'm afraid that if I do step into a relationship with this guy, I might feel different about it once I'm in, cause he's not the type I've dreamed of dating. I don't wanna hurt him in any way, cause he truly is a sweet heart.
    I might just want to have a relationship just for the sake of being with someone, and having that feeling like there are people out there that care for me... but I don't know.
    Any advise?
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    Jun 10, 2010 6:36 AM GMT
    I am glad you have made steps to discover your sexuality.

    I have had about 4 relationships over the past 20 years or so and can tell you sometimes, especially as you are coming out, you find out you hit it off with people you did not know you would. I think it is because your whole life of resisting your sexuality you learn to shut off your feelings about other guys and never learn what you really like.

    So the process of coming out is really like going through a second adolescence where you are learning about yourself as much as you are learning about other people.

    Should you date? Yes, at some point, because you have to start somewhere. Dating doesn't mean you have necessarily decided to get hitched and live happily ever after, but really it means you are trying to figure it out. If you and the other go in with that expectation .. that you are giving it a try .. and realize it may not work out but are considering it might, then you should go ahead.

    Now I will also tell you that I think it is rare that the first relationship works out especially with gays, but like I said, you have to start somewhere. You can learn and benefit from relationships even if they eventually don't work out.
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    Jun 10, 2010 6:45 AM GMT
    We all want to date our perfect 10 guy (10 personality and 10 physically ...but these people are very rare and most of the time to good to be true)

    A guy who nice, romantic, cute, funny, and fun to cuddle with. (Personality 9.5, Cute 7.5) THATS A 8.5! lol whats wrong with an guy who scores 8.5.

    Maybe you just found a new, perhaps better, dream guy. Best part is, maybe you can stop dreaming.

    Just go slow and date him stupid ;)
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    Jun 10, 2010 5:27 PM GMT
    ActiveAndFitSo the process of coming out is really like going through a second adolescence where you are learning about yourself as much as you are learning about other people.


    Fact. It can also be the most chaotic and exciting time of your life.

    As for the dating situation, sometimes the best thing in the world is having your physical attraction to someone grow as you get to know their personality.

    Either way, it never hurts to date someone. If anything, you will learn a ton about yourself that will be invaluable throughout the coming out process. That being said, try not to put yourself into a position where you are unnecessarily emotionally vulnerable, because that never ends well.

    And finally, it's way more enjoyable to consistently have sex with the same person. Someone that knows you and your body and vice versa. For me, hook-ups always felt empty. Relationships can be about sexual exploration just as much as they are about emotional exploration. Good luck!
  • swimmermatt10...

    Posts: 281

    Jun 10, 2010 5:33 PM GMT
    I say go for it, dating early in life is to see what you like and what you dont like, you dont have to get married by any means but at least see what turns you on and off. You'll never know unless you try it out.
  • JayDT

    Posts: 390

    Jun 10, 2010 5:35 PM GMT
    The best advise I can give you is that if yuo like this guy, learn to like ALL of him. His feminine side as well as the other parts. You are not going to change him, and even if you manage to make a temporary change in him all it's going to do is cause resentments towards you on his part in the long run. As for being scared of being in a relationship; one of the dumbest guys I ever dated said one of the smartest things about dating I have ever heard. He said "Life is stressful enough, can't the relationship be the one place that is stress free?" It can be I think, when each person accepts the other for who they are and accepts that they are there together willingly and respectful of who the other person is and what their goals are. Take it all day by day, you don't have to have a "just add water insta-relationship" take the time to date and get to know one another and build a successful relationship. That's my best advice. Good luck and I hope you find the happiness you desire.
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    Jun 10, 2010 6:26 PM GMT
    JayDT saidThe best advise I can give you is that if yuo like this guy, learn to like ALL of him. His feminine side as well as the other parts. You are not going to change him, and even if you manage to make a temporary change in him all it's going to do is cause resentments towards you on his part in the long run. As for being scared of being in a relationship; one of the dumbest guys I ever dated said one of the smartest things about dating I have ever heard. He said "Life is stressful enough, can't the relationship be the one place that is stress free?" It can be I think, when each person accepts the other for who they are and accepts that they are there together willingly and respectful of who the other person is and what their goals are. Take it all day by day, you don't have to have a "just add water insta-relationship" take the time to date and get to know one another and build a successful relationship. That's my best advice. Good luck and I hope you find the happiness you desire.


    I have no intention of changing him at ALL. I've learned that it's almost impossible to like every single detail about someone, even if you're referring to a best friend, soul mate, etc... So I can deal with all the qualities I'm not exactly into. They don't bother me, it's just, they aren't preferable.

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    Jun 10, 2010 6:29 PM GMT
    Yossarian said
    ActiveAndFitSo the process of coming out is really like going through a second adolescence where you are learning about yourself as much as you are learning about other people.


    Either way, it never hurts to date someone. If anything, you will learn a ton about yourself that will be invaluable throughout the coming out process. That being said, try not to put yourself into a position where you are unnecessarily emotionally vulnerable, because that never ends well.


    My family always told me that I would be a heart breaker, that I'd always have the people I wanted... Even though I don't believe that, I'm the type of guy that hates letting people down, and hates hurting people even more. That's why I think dating could be really tough for me if I get to know someone and they aren't really for me...
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    Jun 10, 2010 6:39 PM GMT
    Allathlete said
    Yossarian said
    ActiveAndFitSo the process of coming out is really like going through a second adolescence where you are learning about yourself as much as you are learning about other people.


    Either way, it never hurts to date someone. If anything, you will learn a ton about yourself that will be invaluable throughout the coming out process. That being said, try not to put yourself into a position where you are unnecessarily emotionally vulnerable, because that never ends well.


    My family always told me that I would be a heart breaker, that I'd always have the people I wanted... Even though I don't believe that, I'm the type of guy that hates letting people down, and hates hurting people even more. That's why I think dating could be really tough for me if I get to know someone and they aren't really for me...


    Awww you're a nice guy. But look: Part of life is risk. You can't always be afraid of doing things because somebody might be hurt. You be the best person you can be, do not be malicious, or careless or heartless. Be truthful, honest, and kind. And if, after all that, somebody gets hurt anyway, that's part of life. It happens to everybody. Get out there.

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    Jun 10, 2010 6:48 PM GMT
    i don't think you have anything to lose. don't let your mind play tricks on you. if you are feeling this guy, then go for it. the images that we think are right for us aren't always the case. I like the bad boys too, but in the end all they do is hurt you!

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    Jun 10, 2010 10:11 PM GMT
    I've dated three "sweet hearts" who were not completely my type. One of them was totally not my type.
    While it's possible to be with someone you're not sexually attracted to, it's not possible to make your dick jump to attention when it's not into it. Once the sex life goes downhill, so does the relationship (with an exception for uncontrollable circumstances such as sickness or injury).

    Also, dating someone just to be with someone is a sign of codependency. That has it's own drawbacks, and can be overcome by learning to be happy with yourself.

    But all other things aside, experience is always the best teacher. Rather than saying more to talk you out of it, I say go for it. If it works out, great; if not, great. Either way, you'll gain valuable experience to learn from. It's impossible to learn without experiences.
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    Jun 10, 2010 10:20 PM GMT
    You've too many doubts about this guy so don't. If he was the right guy you would definitely not be asking here that's for sure so leave it be and wait till the one who cranks your chain turns up and date him. In the meantime just have fun.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jun 10, 2010 10:20 PM GMT
    I think you might be overthinking things, or being too hard on yourself. There's more than one reason to be in a relationship. Sure, there are wrong reasons, too, but not the ones you list.

    The short answer is, if you're feeling it, then why the Hell not go for it? If there's a chance for happiness, don't you deserve to try it? Sure, it might not work out. He might drive you crazy. You might drive him crazy. Life is not a sure thing. It takes risks.

    You seem to like this guy enough to give it a try. You're not getting married to him, just dating. Sure, this is a big step, but you have to start somewhere. And it does seem to be a good start.

    Go for it.

    Eric

    P.S. You seem like your head is in the right place. Per your response above, you have no expectation to change the guy. You know that doesn't work. The guy's qualities aren't what you prefer. So, you're entering this with your eyes wide open.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 12, 2010 4:03 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]Allathlete said

    My family always told me that I would be a heart breaker, that I'd always have the people I wanted... Even though I don't believe that, I'm the type of guy that hates letting people down, and hates hurting people even more. That's why I think dating could be really tough for me if I get to know someone and they aren't really for me...[/quote]

    That's really great that you're thinking about someone else
    But hey ..... there's no guarantees on anything
    You like being with this guy?
    So hang out with him .... don't make any declarations
    see where it goes
    You might be right and it will end
    and you might be surprised and it will build into something new and unexpected
  • mtneerman

    Posts: 476

    Jun 12, 2010 4:33 AM GMT
    you said you've hung out a couple times. that's too soon to be thinking of a relationship or serious dating regardless of where you are in life. just continue to hang out and casually date him, that's the only way to know if you want to take things farther with him.
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    Jun 14, 2010 12:45 AM GMT
    mtneerman saidyou said you've hung out a couple times. that's too soon to be thinking of a relationship or serious dating regardless of where you are in life. just continue to hang out and casually date him, that's the only way to know if you want to take things farther with him.


    The only problem with that is that he lives about 2 hours away...
    But I spent this whole weekend with him and we went to Boston pride. It was both our first times and my first time going to a gay club.
    I hate a great time with him and I think I'm going to continue seeing him.

    Now here's a different problem. I like him a lot, so I brought up the discussion of sex. Turns out we are both tops, but we both agreed that we'd work on that when it comes to it.

    Any thoughts? Am I continuing to be picky?
  • mtneerman

    Posts: 476

    Jun 14, 2010 7:56 AM GMT
    i don't think your being too picky at all. your continuing to see him, and are willing to work on the both top issue. i think you just might learn as much about yourself through all this as you do him.