Were you molested as a child?

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    Feb 03, 2008 6:26 PM GMT
    Hi Everyone...

    I'm not entirely sure if this topic has been covered but I'm just gathering infomation and case studies of guys on this site who can shed and light and experiences on the subject I'm covering below.

    I basically want know your views on boys who were molested in their childhood from whatever age and how it has affected them in their growing years to date. Do you feel it has made your feelings towards men greater than females and the big question is this incident has it 'made you gay' or 'confused' and prevented you from living a 'straight life' or atleast made it difficult to persue a straight lifestyle?

    I myself have had the unfortunate experience of being molested as a child (not by a family member)on several occasions against my will - ofcourse. I was totally innocent and could do nothing about it during my childhood and I have grown up in life with an eratic physchological mind set as to discovering what I really want. I could certainly write more but I would like to view some of your responses first.

    This subject could be covered in great depth and I understand it may be too personal for some to discuss openly on everyones issues but every bit would be greatly appreciated.
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    Feb 03, 2008 6:47 PM GMT
    You have my sympathies rugbyscorer, I had challenges when I was a kid but fortunately sexual molestation was not one of them. I was never molested as a child, and I don't think it has much to do with sexual orientation, gay or straight.

    It will impact how one relates to people though. Sexual molestation is one of the most damaging things you can do to the human psyche, especially if it is from someone you trust like a parent or sibling.
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    Feb 03, 2008 6:54 PM GMT
    At 13 I was fondled by an older neighbor man, but I stopped it from happening again. I was a "cute" outgoing muscular little guy who would open up to anyone. This guy tried several other times but I wouldn't allow it, I frequently caught him looking me over from behind his sunglasses and caught him looking at me with binoculars through his windows toward me in the yard or in the house, I'd catch a glimpse of him behind bushes doing the same. I had several other attempts through my teens, but always avoided the real "act". But even this caused me a lot of grief, I kept an anxious feeling of "why me" what am I doing wrong. Actually as I grew up I realized that I could look back to 5 years old and realized that I was gay, That these attempts were really adults seeing that I was and thinking that they could get a "foot in the door" to open me up to reality. I married, but never could rid myself of my desire for men. I don't think attempts to get sexual with me by the neighbor or anyone else caused anything. I was gay from the start, in a way these attempts that even went on after I married, actually helped me to see that it was inevitable that I was gay. I quit trying to fool myself after 16 years of marriage and asked for a divorce. My kids came to live with me, and stayed until the age to leave home. I wouldn't wish all the anxiety I went through trying to be "STRAIGHT" on anyone. At the time I just could not accept my being gay. I am glad for guys growing up now since being gay is more accepted, and open. They have it much easier than those of us who grew up in the late 50's and 60's. I was raised in a religeous University town where Homosexuality was totally unacceptable. Its so much better living now these last 16 years accepting who I am.
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    Feb 03, 2008 9:54 PM GMT
    I was molested as a child (10- 12 yr old) and always felt as though I was the one who instigated it. I never told a single sole until after I came out to my wife in January. In a conversation the idea came up by her and I broke down. It's a deep deep pain that brings tears to my eyes still.

    I don't think it affected my sexuality as I believe I was defined then but just didn't realize what was going on. Small east coast town and a lot of ignorance on my part.

    I grew up in a traditional family setting. We ate together, watched TV together, went to church together, and had the normal family gatherings. This was just one thing that happened and I consider it dead, despite the occasional pain it causes. I think coming out brought up the pain more just because I'm very emotional now with all the other ups and downs.

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    Feb 03, 2008 11:34 PM GMT
    Thank you for the replies so far. I was bought up in a traditional home setting as well and I still have to question whether this was a result of my instability in my latter years in life deciding which route to embark on. I'm sure people that are affected by situations like this I've experienced would have to dig deep to decide which is right for them.

    Although I remember what happened to me which was between the ages of 8-11 I only told my Mom in my early 20's which was a very difficult and emotional situation to be in and sometimes regret ever doing so. But I did and she ofcourse went ballistic which was to be expected...

    I have tried to put it behind me but it keeps haunting me to this day and I tried for many years to beat it and prove to the person that did it to me I will not be beaten. But as the years go on it proves more and more difficult to beat as it stil leaves a trail of confusion physcologically and I fall victim to constant peer presure for family and friends who don't know of my childhood eperience...

    The underlining factor here is was my orientation decided before this happened to me? I have extreme anger for what this man did to me and question myself cvonstantly as to why we are given these obsticles in life to hurdle ourselves over whatever it may be...
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    Feb 03, 2008 11:58 PM GMT
    You might be interested in the replies to the almost identical topic here:

    http://www.realjock.com/topic/69121/
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    Feb 04, 2008 12:29 AM GMT
    Rugbyscorer I doubt its a problem that there's a similarity between another thread and yours here. This is your time, so I'm sure no-one begrudges you that !! I had to come to the place where I quit blaming the conglomeration of men who kept trying to push themselves on me. Once I decided that I am what I am, and not because of someone else, it was like a ton cam off my back, I no longer hated those who had molesting me on their minds. This fit well for me, but I am not in your shoes, but it did help me. God I can sure empathise with you !!! I'm sure you'll get it worked out in your mind, then you'll have relief.
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    Feb 04, 2008 12:33 AM GMT
    Rugbyscorer,

    First off, you're in a much better position than most people who were sexualized at an early age. Most never tell the people closest to them and live their life in complete denial of it. So take great comfort in that! I tip my hat to you man.

    I had one definite experience at the ages of 7-8, and one possible situation at a much earlier age by a family member. Because I have very few recollections of it except for some sense memories, I can't say for certain what it was. For me, I do believe the one I remember has shaped my sexuality in some ways. But, I don't believe it dictated my sexual preference.

    Here's why...
    People who seek to engage in sexual acts with minors generally have a sense of that child's character. Many gay/bi men have been sexualized in childhood by other men for that very reason. They see an inclination in that child and take advantage of it.

    The sexual act causes a great deal of shame for many reasons and not all are shared by every boy who's had one of these experiences. For instance, it can be through being forced, shame through society, destruction of trust, physical pain, mental manipulation, etc. In my case, I wasn't forced or even very coerced into doing it. But, I had an innocent curiosity that was enabled and to a great degree taken advantage of.

    Over the years I went through many phases in dealing with it. But in the end, I finally just accepted it. Said to myself, this happened, it's apart of my experience in life and it wasn't positive but it didn't kill me either. I basically stopped being a victim. Being a victim is a personal choice. That said, I'm not condemning others who feel victimized. But for me, it was essential to take control of my feelings about it in order to move on without carrying that weight on my back. I stopped being a victim.

    Most people view the healing process as a linear journey. In my case, I just nipped it in the bud and dusted myself off. It takes allot of strength to just say "Fuck It".

    So if I have any advice for you, it would be to focus on the things you love about yourself, build up a sense of self that is strong and independent and eventually just drop the baggage that came with the event. Don't just look to heal the wounds, put the wounds in perspective, disarm them and destroy their power over you. If you don't strip away their power they will keep opening up more wounds and it will never heal. Let the healing come on it's own, you have no control over that. You do have control over your own view of the event. Shape it to your liking and make it fit in your life somehow.

    There's no point in letting unhealthy past experiences hold you back and that goes for everything, not just molestation.

    You're alive and kicking!
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    Feb 04, 2008 1:12 AM GMT
    realifedad saidRugbyscorer I doubt its a problem that there's a similarity between another thread and yours here. This is your time, so I'm sure no-one begrudges you that !!


    I hope you're not implying that my bringing up the other topic means I'm begrudging him or saying there's a problem that an almost identical topic already exists. I pointed it out because it's very common for the same topic to be created in duplicate, and people are not always willing to discuss something they've already discussed at length previously. So, rather than let Rugbyscorer sit there, wondering why there are so few replies to an important topic like this, I pointed out the other topic, full of replies to the same question.
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    Feb 04, 2008 1:15 AM GMT
    Great response, Devildog.
  • kasch33

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    Feb 04, 2008 1:58 AM GMT
    Devildog78 -- having had an experience that sounds very similar to your own, the advice you give is excellent.

    Rugbyscorer -- sometimes we all need to be heard, given the chance to get things off our chest, to move forward; and if RJ allows you the safe place to do that, fantastic; if not, get someone else to listen if that's what you need--you don't want or need this kind of thing weighing down the rest of your life.
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    Feb 04, 2008 2:23 AM GMT
    Nice posting Devildog! Although it's not easy, I agree. No matter what your upbringing, spiritual journey or your resentment, you must have some positive focal point in your life. I don't usually like taking bible versus out of context but this one had to do with perfection and it is in finding perfection that we must forget the past: Philippians 3:13 ...I forget everything that is behind me and look forward to that which is ahead of me. I have this posted at my desk and I use it to inspire me to think about tomorrow. I can't change yesterday, right or wrong, my fault or someone else's, but I can direct my life for tomorrow.

    If you have never had to deal with this issue, let me assure you that it NEVER goes away...but you can control where it lies in the priorities of your thoughts.... let it go to the bottom if you can!
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    Feb 04, 2008 2:26 AM GMT
    Right on Kasch33! Being hard, strong and knowing through and through that you embody everything good that man has ever searched for and pondered is key to surviving this world filled with self doubt, pity and fear.

    Realjock is an amazing outlet for us men and I truly am grateful for these forums. They've helped me, are helping Rugbyscorer and countless other men to connect with each other in a positive way.

    Masculine guys who don't fit into the shallow social world of mainstream gay culture have a hard time. It's forum topics like this which definitely make this a great place for us.

    eb925guy,
    "If you have never had to deal with this issue, let me assure you that it NEVER goes away...but you can control where it lies in the priorities of your thoughts.... let it go to the bottom if you can!"

    I couldn't have said it better myself.icon_wink.gif
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    Feb 04, 2008 2:47 AM GMT
    Parodox !!! No, No, I didn't think ill of what you wrote, I should have explained better. actually its good that you pointed it out cause there is a lot of good thought on the forum you referred too. so I'm in your corner too !!! OK !!! You made good sense !!!
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    Feb 04, 2008 3:09 AM GMT
    Never touched as a child by an adult but my foster brothers and i did check each other out back when i was 8 years old. It was fun but i initiated a kiss with another boy several months before. Born a gay that's what i say.icon_lol.gif

    But i do have an older friend who did do something stupid when he was in his mid twentie with a 9 year old. According to him the 9 year old asked him too not that it's justified I just felt like putting it out there. I told my friend that he was an idiot for doing it even if the kid did request it. I don't demonize him though and although he is screwed for life in the public eye I am still his friend.
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    Feb 04, 2008 5:19 AM GMT
    the first time I was 6 years old. My friend and I would go in his back yard and stand at the table and pretend to eat. While I was standing he would undress my lower half. I did the same thig. Then a friend at school asked me to spend the night on his birthday. I did. As we got into bed. Me on the one him in the other, he asked if I would join him because he was scared of the dark. So I did. He said he wanted to play a game. He slide down and pulled my underwear off and started sucking on my dick. I freaked out and ran over to my bed. He begged me to come back that he was sorry. I went back. He talked me into to letting him and for me to try in on him at the same time. I was confused and lost. But I did it. Then at school that monday most of the kids in my class heard that I kiss his penis.
    I was 15 and my cousin was 17, we were sleeping in a tent in the back yard. He reached over and grabbed me and started to stroke me off. I recalling the first time, lean down and sucked him off.
    We never talked about that night, even now. He will not look me in the eye.

    I had my first experence with a girl at age 7.She was the same age, and we had watched one of my dads porn movies. I played with her and she did the same to me. I was too small to enter her. And did not want to end up with a baby.

    I don't think I can say it changed the way I felt.
    I knew before this happened. I saw my moms Playgirl and the naked guys got me hard. Where looking at my dads playboy did nothing for me.

    I hid the fact I was gay until last year. 4 years after my divorce.
    I just wish now I had never lied to my self that I could make it as a straight man full time.

    I love men too much...
    Don't get me wrong woman are warm and have a softness that is killer....

    But after 13 years with a woman..I am ready for a man..
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    Feb 04, 2008 11:19 AM GMT
    This is something I've NEVER spoken about EVER. Since I have (doubtful) anonymity here, I might as well say it.

    Yes I have. I was somewhere around 7 or 8. And the worst thing was that I initiated it. He was around 20 to 30 and worked for my father. No relation at all. I don't remember much of anything except that it wasn't sexual for me, and I just enjoyed the feeling of a warm male body next to me.

    There was no penetration, no oral on my part. Heck I hadn't even started masturbating yet (I believe he taught me or something since I started at about 8 or 9). I didn't understand much of it really and the memory is hazy now.

    I do not remember details but there are quite sharp scenes that I still remember to this day.

    I don't believe it influenced my orientation. I was the one who initiated it, in my innocence. He simply responded. He was only there for a year or so and he left. After that, I didn't miss him at all. As a child, it simply was another game for me.

    The full brunt of what I did hit me in my early preadolescence. I repressed the memory when I first started to realize I was gay. I started to blame those incidents. It was only when I fell in love with another guy (straight and a sob story) that I started to accept that I was gay.

    To this day, it forms part of my fetishes. The smell of sweat and a dusty room for instance, or a much larger male body than mine. I don't even remember how he looked like (but he was muscular, hence my attraction to muscle). I have never talked about it with ANYONE before this post. It doesn't hurt for me anymore to think about it. I am not angry, afraid, or ashamed about it. It's past.

    I am however a little bit embarrassed hence why I've never told it until now. I feel like if I tell anybody about it, they'd judge me. They'd say it made me gay or something.

    Ok... that was liberating. icon_razz.gif Now if only it doesn't leak into RL. LOL

    /me runs away
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    Feb 04, 2008 3:10 PM GMT
    Alexander89 I hope your friend seeked counselling. I hate to doubt him, but I work with people who have dealt with pedophiles, and that is often what they will say, "the kid came on to me". It is their way of trying to rationalize desires they cannot control but know are socially unacceptable. Perhaps your friend is the exception though.
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    Feb 04, 2008 4:05 PM GMT
    I have never had any kind of molestation experience, but it sickens me to think that there are grown men who think it is ok to abuse young boys.

    I don't really know what my opinion can do, but I would just like to say that I am sorry to everyone who has had to endure such experiences. It makes me want to protect my children even more!
  • DiverScience

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    Feb 04, 2008 4:07 PM GMT
    No. I had a loving, caring, and respectful family. I'm inordinately lucky.

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    Feb 04, 2008 6:23 PM GMT
    Thanks Devildog and others for your replies and in response to some issues you raised I can still remeber some of the incidents I encountered and I was lured into engaging in these acts by means of a an initial majic trick to see performed by the culprit. Any kid att that age would not hesitate. From then on it all accelerated and if the truth be known I did enjoy the feeling and I won't deny it but I went back for more like a kid wanting more and more candy ofcourse this was a different kind of candy.

    Over the years I have learnt to drop the luggage (as you put it) and live my life but there are many times that I sit and wonder what would life be like if this experience never happened to me and which path would I have chosen but I'll never know that now. I do have more of an attraction to guys over women which has stemmed from an early age I believe triggered and influenced by the molestation.

    While growing up I did have further encounters with a couple of my friends which I did encourage because I enjoyed the sexual feeling from my initial encounter. These encounters I had with a couple of mates of mine have all grown up to marry and are happy and strangely enough we are best friends to this day but we do not talk of the past. Whats in the past stays in the past in this respect. It has been swept under the carpet so to speak and we all moved on. But having said that none of them backed away and they liked the experience and came back for more sometimes. They just chose to nip it in the bud and put and end to it and steer themselves towards a heterosexual lifestyle. I believe it just hit my sexual 'gay' feelings more so than theirs and directed my orientation towards feelings towards men.

    Alot of you have avocated what I already know and perceive and it has been interesting reading thus far...
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    Feb 04, 2008 6:43 PM GMT
    I do not think it changed if I was or was not gay. I do think the abusers took advantage of a curiosity in men that I was developing. In that way it accelerated it.

    I have to echo Rugbyscorer's sentiments in wondering what life would be like had I had a "normal" sexual development and had I not been a victim of abuse. To this day it is a present part of my life. But with therapy and a support system of survivors I am managing to get rid of the lingering effects.

    I think it is important to respect the past, acknowledge the strength it took to get you to the present and move forward woth positive growth in the future.
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    Feb 05, 2008 7:13 AM GMT
    DJBens77I do not think it changed if I was or was not gay. I do think the abusers took advantage of a curiosity in men that I was developing. In that way it accelerated it.


    Ditto.

    This may sound ugly, but in a way I'm thankful that what happened, happened. It made me realize earlier what my orientation was. If that hadn't happened, I would still have been denying my homosexuality by now.
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    Feb 05, 2008 7:45 AM GMT
    Firstly, I think sex should be somthing that only adults should do... I don't know if my experience will count under this heading, but I feel it might be appropriate.
    I was never molested by someone older than me but I did have intimite sexual encounters with a buddy of mine when we were both only six or seven years of age.
    I never thought that this was in any way acceptable so we both kept it secret. We remained the best of friends for most of our school years and continued with our sexual exploration deep into our teens.
    I never realy realised how much of an effect this had on my life. After I left school and my home town we stopped talking alltogether and this made me wonder about allot of things.
    I once went to a psychologist that asked me wether I have ever been raped or molested, while I was under Hypnosis and I replied: yes. All this proves is that the effects of sex on a child is always detrimental.
    Even in my case where it was 100% concentual.
    I love my life and I believe myself to be very fortunate in many ways. But I cannot sometimes wonder how a boy from a good christian family ended up in some of the places that I have been. But I guess the answer is as clear as cristal. Innocense should be preserved... It's probably the most valuable thing a child posesses.
    I'm not a christian out of own choice, but a man that lived about two thousand years ago once told a group of people to leave the children be because they alone have the purity to go to God, believe like a child!
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    Feb 05, 2008 8:02 AM GMT
    Hmmmmm. Jesus wow i think i would have been great friends with him when he was aive seems ike he was a cool guy. Too bad the extremists distorted his message.