In a relationship with a man who won't Top or Bottom? What gives?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2010 8:35 AM GMT
    I started dating this guy 6 months ago. things are promissing, however I cannot feel sexually fulfilled with this man because we only have oral sex.

    I asked him when the last time he bottomed: seven years ago. He said he'd much rather eat ass than to fuck it. He also looses his erection when i've tried to bottom.

    If i'm emotionally involved with someone I need a physical connection that goes beyond just knocking our junk around.

    I'm afraid i'll get bored with our sex life and go looking for other guys to help satisfiy my urges. I'd rather be happy just with him.

    I've tried buying some toys to help "break" him into bottoming but they've gone unused. I"ve had some great sex in my life and to find someone who's perfect (nearly) except lacking in this area is very upsetting. He's older than me, but has no problem getting an erection. I"m vers and love pleasing my partner but isn't this a little selfish of him?

    He can't really bottom very good, he can barely stand a finger inside of him.
    He can't top because he won't keep an erection. One of the joys of being in a relationship is anal sex, is it not? Should I just tel him to pop A viagra and do the deed or risk loosing me? He also said the condom is what makes him loose his erection but i won't have un protected sex yet. not until I know him longer.

    I hope there are others that have seen this problem through that can give me some advise. I miss having great sex icon_sad.gif

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    Jun 11, 2010 1:44 PM GMT


    I think there is more going on than he's telling you.

    Personally I couldn't work in a relationship like that, more becuase I doubt he's satisfied either.

    Even from you post I get the impression that there is some deception / untruthfulness.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2010 1:48 PM GMT
    Some guys just aren't into anal sex. If you can't accept that he's one of those guys, not matter how perfect he is elsewhere, you might need to move on.
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    Jun 11, 2010 1:53 PM GMT
    Some guys only masturbate, mutual or each other. For others it's frottage and nothing more. Some guys it's strictly bottoming, for other strictly topping. Some are versatile.
    Some examples.

    -Doug
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Jun 11, 2010 1:54 PM GMT
    While I agree that some guys just aren't into anal sex, it sounds like there is something else afoot that may be helped by seeing a therapist. The fact that he loses his erection is a sign that the problem lies somewhere between the ears, not between the legs.
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Jun 11, 2010 1:58 PM GMT
    As shocking as it seems to be to you, there are quite a number of gay men who simply don't enjoy anal sex. You appear to be in a relationship with one of them. Essentially, you've got three viable choices here:

    1) Decide that this makes you sexually incompatible, and break up with him.
    2) Decide that you can go without anal sex because what you do have is good enough, and accept without resentment that this is the way it is and is going to remain.
    3) Have an open relationship (only available with his explicit agreement after a discussion with him about it)

    It sounds like you've tried to ask him for what you want. But when you ask for something, one possible answer is "no." Now that you've gotten that no, it's up to you to decide if that's a deal-breaker. Fundamentally, it really doesn't matter if this is a case of him being selfish or not -- and it's just as easy to imagine a question from him along the lines of "I've been in this great relationship for 6 months, but the problem is the guy really wants to have anal sex. I've tried, but bottoming hurts me too much to do it, and I can't stay hard if I try to top him. He's bought all these toys and talks about 'breaking me in'. Isn't it selfish of him to try to force me into anal sex when it's clear I don't enjoy it?" What matters is whether you can both be satisfied by the relationship as it is. If you can't, either change the deal (ie figure out whether you're both OK with opening it up), or end it.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jun 11, 2010 2:20 PM GMT
    GwgTrunks saidSome guys just aren't into anal sex. If you can't accept that he's one of those guys, not matter how perfect he is elsewhere, you might need to move on.
    QFT!!

    i dated a guy like this for about 3 months. very intelligent, witty, attractive, audi convertible, condo on the edge of the french quarter, steady, well paying job, kept his house even cleaner than my Grandmother did.

    a gay man's Dream Date, hey? icon_confused.gif

    unfortunately is idea of extreme, daring sex was for me to rim him while he masterbated. nothing more. he didn't like having his nipples licked, no oral (giving or receiving), a lousy kisser, not into alcohol or poppers or grass.

    after a few months i accepted him for what he is (or is not!) and gave up on sex.

    he is still a very close gay friend, hoping he will always be. but NOT a bed partner anymore.

    "ev-vaaaaa buddies diffnt". icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2010 2:24 PM GMT
    try going sideways
  • irishboxers

    Posts: 357

    Jun 11, 2010 3:00 PM GMT
    Sounds like the guy I just broke up with, although I'd have to add posessive and co-dependent to the list.

    Very nice guy, sweet, attentive (maybe too much so), thoughtful, very intelligent. All great things...except in bed, where he came right out and told me that despite just getting out of an 8 year relationship and the 3 year before that, he was a virgin. Yes, boys, a 33yo virgin. Undiscovered country.

    I was patient for a while, slowly broadening his horizons, but to agree with several of the other responses it was definitely mental and not physical. He could give oral, but went soft at receiving (despite some fine work on my part). Apologies every time, but it never changed. He knew I was getting frustrated and tried to go farther but no go. Always oral as compensation (nice, don't get me wrong) but I wanted intimacy on another level that he couldn't provide.

    The lack of sex was the trigger for calling it quits on the posessiveness and co-dependent issues but to hear how he thought of sex during the break-up convo was revealing -- it seemed like this rough, meaningless thing to him and the words he used were nothing like the eloquent vocabulary he normally used. Somewhere back in the past sex was a bad thing to him and there was nothing anyone except a therapist could do about it.

    I could have worked through the other stuff but without sex, why? I like sex and want it in my relationships. But some guys aren't wired that way so you've just gotta find the ones that are.
  • mtneerman

    Posts: 476

    Jun 11, 2010 3:10 PM GMT
    i don't get the attitudes guys on here have about sex. you can accept that guys have different likes when it comes to food, clothes, music, hair...etc. but when it comes to sex, if the guy is not completely versatile then he has all kinds of issues. all men are different in what they like sexually. not liking anal doesn't mean he has issues, or that he is selfish, it means he don't like anal. he's told you what he likes, now it's up to you to decide if you can live with it. i dated a guy like that years ago, and found it to be very frustrating, from the sounds of your post you would feel the same. you need to talk to him, and if no agreement can be made where both of you are happy, then you should move on, cause it wont last anyway.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2010 3:11 PM GMT
    NC3athlete saidWhile I agree that some guys just aren't into anal sex, it sounds like there is something else afoot that may be helped by seeing a therapist. The fact that he loses his erection is a sign that the problem lies somewhere between the ears, not between the legs.


    Yep we have a smart Jock here icon_cool.gif

    Your sex organ is between your ears! You have more than 3 options here and they are somewhat fluid since your time with him has been so short. I would keep talking to him about his sexual feelings and keep playing with him. You need to find out if there is any willingness on his part to change, if not this could be a big problem.

    You should see if there are any old Dr. Ruth shows available so you could really find out all the sex variations that exist. This is kind of a minor problem at the moment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2010 3:44 PM GMT
    i don't really like anal as much as oral myself- to be honest, anal is usually just more effort and involvement than i'm in the mood for- oral is easier and feels just as good and i've got a major oral fixation lol- so its more intimate for me too since my face is right THERE, u know? there can sometimes be a smell and some clean up with anal that really turns me off too. to be honest, i'd rather snuggle, make out, grind together, exchange massages, share showers, and give lots of head, than have anal sex on the reg.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jun 11, 2010 4:38 PM GMT
    OK, so let's put you aside for a second. Everyone has their own sexual preferences and dislikes. Anal isn't for everyone. You need to accept that (not the idea of being with someone who doesn't fulfill your needs, but the idea that it's OK for him not to like it). I really wish gay men would stop treating guys who don't enjoy certain types of sex as "broken." There's no book that says you must enjoy x ,y, and z when it comes to sex. Frankly, sex is at the bottom of the totem pole for me in things I need from a relationship. So in summation, he's perfectly fine so please drop the idea from your head that something like viagra will fix things; would you offer a gay man a viagra so he could sleep with a woman? Losing an erection can be a sign of an emotional issue associated with sex, but if you're comfortable with your sex life, and it sounds as if he is, then it means he just isn't into it. There's nothing wrong with him and nothing to fix. He just doesn't like anal.

    At the same time, everyone is entitled to their needs in a relationship, including sexual fulfillment. If sex is up high on the totem pole for you and you don't think you can work around this then I say spare the guy the trouble and break up with him. But it is also important to note that you seem to be viewing this "compromise" as a one-way street: why should he have to conform to you? You're insisting your needs must be the ones to be addressed rather than his. If any guy told me I wasn't making him sexually happy and it was my fault because I didn't like those things, then I would be incredibly hurt by him, especially if he didn't consider my feelings in the matter of why I don't like a certain sexual practice. Though it appears that you're trying to remedy the situation, it doesn't sound as if you have sat down and have a good talk about this. No amount of sex toys in the world will replace the need for talking through problems in a relationship. I think you need to sit him down and explain your feelings and that you don't think this can work if your needs aren't met, but also listen (and I mean listen, not hear) to his side. If you genuinely like the guy you at least owe him that.

    People here are going to tell you why you should leave that guy or why you should stay with him. Frankly, you shouldn't listen to them. Only you can decide this situation because a person is not the same as a situation and though other posters may have encountered similar circumstances, they were not with this guy and can't speak to your relationship.

    And edited with scootergeek's suggestion to be a little more Dan Savage-esque

    Also, you're focusing on where you're not sexually compatible, but have you focused on where you are compatible? You'll never find one guy who matches your sexual preferences 100 percent. So what if the next guy you meet likes to top and bottom? He may be into water sports, which might not be your cup of tea (well, not tea in this instance...). Rather than dwell on where you don't fit, is it possible to be satisfied on the common ground where you do? You mention the fact that you are OK with bottoming; well, instead of trying to get a dildo up his butt when not even a finger will work, have you asked him to put the dildo up your butt? You might want to expand your mind and see what you two can come up with sexually that meets both of your needs.
  • scootergeek

    Posts: 3

    Jun 11, 2010 4:48 PM GMT
    Dan Savage couldn't have said it better Calibro. Although, he would probably add something about other sexual ways to satisfy each other.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2010 4:55 PM GMT
    There's absolutely nothing wrong with the dude you're with. My guy and I don't do anal sex, its something I never thought was attractive or sexy or was ever curious about, he feels the same. There are tons of guys that just don't get into it.

    There's other things we do that feel emotionally, and physically amazing though.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2010 5:01 PM GMT
    GwgTrunks saidSome guys just aren't into anal sex. If you can't accept that he's one of those guys, not matter how perfect he is elsewhere, you might need to move on.


    And there you have it. If you cannot be sexually fulfilled without butt-sex, then this is a bad pairing. You're just sexually incompatible with this guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2010 5:06 PM GMT
    There's nothing wrong with him not liking being a Top or Bottom however it sounds like oral is all he is up for. You should incorporate foreplay and do other things that might get him off like a sexy massage or a nice call to his office at work one day, send him your underwear in the mail. Be a little adventurous. He should too.

    Speaking as a guy who is versatile I can definitely see where he is coming from. I reserve the anal bit for very special people and I'm rather picky about that. I won't just fuck anyone and I won't allow anyone to just fuck me. It's that simple really. Your BF might feel it's the same, however after reading your post it does sound like a few pieces of the puzzle are missing.

    It's not all about anal sex thought but damn if isn't good when you get it/give it. You should really speak to your BF and see how firm he is in his decision about not being a Top or a Bottom. If you feel he is being selfish and not satisfying your needs as you are his then that might be a sign that you guys just aren't sexually compatible. It's not a crime by any means. It just means you value sex and the pleasure of giving/receiving it more then he does hence it seems one-sided. In your situation I would probably move on because I doubt you're gonna convince him to change his mind and his position about sex.

    I don't think your BF has a problem with sex so much as he does have a preference when it comes to sex. He seems to be the more the oral type. That's his thing. I've met some guys who don't like to give oral but are all about anal and nothing else or the guys who don't even like to kiss. It's crazy, yes, but not crazy enough to see a therapist. Speak to the BF and understand where he is coming from and if you can't deal with it then simply move on. I'm willing to bet he will understand.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2010 5:22 PM GMT
    Two words: Bye Bye
  • Thomas757

    Posts: 260

    Jun 11, 2010 5:24 PM GMT
    Relationships are made up of unique individuals, making the relationship itself unique.
    Communicating with your partner, which means talking to him about your needs but also listening to his needs, and then coming up with a mutual compromise is usually the better way to resolve conflicting interests. (at least in my humble opinion)

    Some men do lose erections with a condom on, however that is usually only on occasion. For myself and most the guys I have been with once ready to go, the condom has no effect on the erection. And for some it helps them to last longer icon_twisted.gif

    The issue could be a simple disinterest in anal or a more complex history that involves lots of trust built over time to overcome. Any number of possibilities really. I think the key question shouldn't be "what's wrong with me/him and how does it get fixed?" Instead the question should be "are we both happy?"

    Of course that's just my personal opinion...I could be wrong.
  • slimnmuscly

    Posts: 541

    Jun 11, 2010 5:36 PM GMT
    gachogavacho said
    He can't really bottom very good, he can barely stand a finger inside of him.
    He can't top because he won't keep an erection. One of the joys of being in a relationship is anal sex, is it not? Should I just tel him to pop A viagra and do the deed or risk loosing me? He also said the condom is what makes him loose his erection but i won't have un protected sex yet. not until I know him longer.


    If you really want him, but somebody has to get fucked for you to feel sexually fulfilled, it sounds like your best shot is to hang in there a little while longer and try to enjoy as varied an anal-free sex life with him as you can until you trust each other enough to bareback (after you've both been tested for HIV/STDs) -- assuming you're both willing to do that. There's still a chance, of course, that he'll turn out not to be much of a top even without a condom, so you have to weigh that risk.

    What you shouldn't do is try to make him feel selfish for not wanting to do something he finds painful (bottom) or can't do safely because of how the condom feels (top). And you shouldn't, as so many guys who think anal sex is the be-all and end-all tend to do, make him feel like he's got something to explain just because he doesn't. If you need anal sex in a relationship, fine. But the fact that he doesn't need or want it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2010 7:38 PM GMT
    He sounds so much like my ex. Who only did oral and only let me fuck him when he was totally shitfaced. he said anal hurt and he lost his erection when he tried to top.
    I used to go to my parents every month and usually called him on my way back. nobody answered the phone so i just thought he was drunk. so when I got there I just walked back to the room we shared and there he was with our neighbor.
    So just be sure HE isnt getting any elsewhere.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2010 8:19 PM GMT
    czarodziej saidi don't really like anal as much as oral myself- to be honest, anal is usually just more effort and involvement than i'm in the mood for- oral is easier and feels just as good and i've got a major oral fixation lol- so its more intimate for me too since my face is right THERE, u know? there can sometimes be a smell and some clean up with anal that really turns me off too. to be honest, i'd rather snuggle, make out, grind together, exchange massages, share showers, and give lots of head, than have anal sex on the reg.


    Marry me. lol.

    Im not really into topping, and I bottom usually just for my partners pleasure (Him getting off on that does more for me than any actual physical feeling/sensations). Oral is more fun. icon_biggrin.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2010 8:32 PM GMT
    IHG84 saidThere's absolutely nothing wrong with the dude you're with. My guy and I don't do anal sex, its something I never thought was attractive or sexy or was ever curious about, he feels the same. There are tons of guys that just don't get into it.

    There's other things we do that feel emotionally, and physically amazing though.





    Man, you just get better and better! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 11, 2010 8:43 PM GMT
    You two are not sexually compatible. Can't force or change him but discuss and see if that helps. Otherwise you can spend alot of time on something that isn't going to change or work for you.

    I may be wrong but something hints of Power Trip here as well or it could be something else that has happened in your guy's past that is affecting him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2010 8:46 PM GMT
    Man, been there done that. Its really hard because if its something you need to feel sexually fulfilled, you can't deny it.....it'll eventually bite you in the ass (no pun intended) - me and my ex had a tough time with it and after a while the sex fizzled out and shit hit the fan.