Not wanting a relationship because it won't last?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2010 8:43 PM GMT
    I started to date someone, but I decided to let it go because I didn't see the point...

    I'm 21 and haven't been with that many guys sexually so I don't think it's time to limit myself to one person... we're bound to break up anyway, so I figured I'd end it before it really started.

    But I DO want a relationship... it's a good feeling. It's just not very realistic right now. I guess I'm just not naive and know it will end eventually. How can people under 25 be all about serious relationships? Am I too pessimistic or what?
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    Jun 11, 2010 10:13 PM GMT
    why do you live? you'll die anyway

    Live your life to the fullest. You could have tried that relationship to see how long it lasts. It takes experience to successfully navigate gay relationships and you should get all the experience you can get.

    If you are currently more into casual sex, that's different. Go, sow your wild oats and start dating again when you want a relationship.

    It's all good.icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 12, 2010 2:57 AM GMT
    There's no rule that says a relationship has to be long-lasting no matter what your age. The possibility for a break up is always there, so why date anyone at all?
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 12, 2010 3:57 AM GMT
    Hmmmm .... why make the bed
    It's gonna get mussed up anyway

    the same with vacuuming the rug ... and washing the car

    Get the point? icon_neutral.gif
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    Jun 12, 2010 4:07 AM GMT
    That's depressing. icon_cry.gif
    Im glad I didn't have such a bleak outlook when I was that age. I did go after the relationship I wanted and ten years later, still do everyday. My partner and I have been through great times and awful times, but never once did I succumb to the idea that "it will eventually be over". I work on my relationship everyday, and will forever, because he is my family. Life is what we choose to make it.
    Be the Pooh Bear or the Eeyore, it's your choice.
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    Jun 12, 2010 4:13 AM GMT
    IDWBF saidI started to date someone, but I decided to let it go because I didn't see the point...

    I'm 21 and haven't been with that many guys sexually so I don't think it's time to limit myself to one person... we're bound to break up anyway, so I figured I'd end it before it really started.

    But I DO want a relationship... it's a good feeling. It's just not very realistic right now. I guess I'm just not naive and know it will end eventually. How can people under 25 be all about serious relationships? Am I too pessimistic or what?



    ...Since when is being a slut a prerequisite for being in a relationship? Just sayin'.
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 662

    Jun 12, 2010 4:25 AM GMT
    Dating and mating are not the same. Be clear about your values and desires. You can date without wanting to get into a relationship. You can go out and get to know guys, just to find out who you like, what you like to do. I know I placed too much pressure on relationships too early--that is one of the problems in relationships between gay men. The relationships that gay men have with one another are subject to pressures similar to heterosexuals face, but additional pressures are added. When I came out at 22, I had so much pent up longing from suppressing my desire, denying who I was. I moved from meeting to mating, placing too much hope and expectation on the other guy. At 53, single again, I'm trying to lighten up, place less expectation on relationships early on and enjoy meeting people, getting to know them and seeing if anything develops. Curiosity about yourself and others will take you farther than raw desire in developing relationships.
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    Jun 12, 2010 4:37 AM GMT
    LIke Dan Savage says "all relationships end until one doesn't" or something like that...in other words, How are you going to know unless you try?

    If your young and you know you don't want to be in a relationship then thats cool, don't be in one...but if your not going to be in one because it won't last or etc....then heed the previous advice. No relationship lasts until you find one that does.
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    Jun 12, 2010 6:08 AM GMT
    Oh, it's not like I don't plan to ever have a relationship because it will end. That kind of thinking obviously wouldn't get anyone anywhere. But right now, I'm kinda stuck between wanting a relationship and knowing I'd probably want to end it because it's too early for me. I'm 21 but I'm just now coming out of the closet.

    JoeB1986...Since when is being a slut a prerequisite for being in a relationship? Just sayin'.

    That's a good question. I don't know, being in the closet too long makes you feel like you need to "catch up" before you get into something serious.

    berndLive your life to the fullest. You could have tried that relationship to see how long it lasts. It takes experience to successfully navigate gay relationships and you should get all the experience you can get.

    That's what I was going to do... but thought it was a little dumb to get into something with a great guy when I knew beforehand I wouldn't REALLY want it last. Too bad though, I liked him.
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    Jun 12, 2010 6:34 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidThen what is the point of this thread? The OP is a total contradiction. He says he does not want a relationship yet he does. I mean, read your title and then read the last sentence of your post.

    Perhaps you might want to see a therapist and bring up the possibility of self-sabotaging behavior. To me that is what your OP screams.

    lmao. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm fine. icon_eek.gif

    This thread is about that contradiction. It's not black or white. Technically I don't think it's a good idea to get into a serious relationship at this age... though I'm not actually against the idea of a relationship. Not a hard concept.
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    Jun 12, 2010 6:40 AM GMT
    You refuse a relationship because you know it wont last? Or because you're not in love? icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 12, 2010 6:52 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidWell, in time you may look back and regret cutting someone off whom you might have had something special with. Even if it were just for a summer you can learn a lot about yourself from being intimate with another person. No one said you had to get married.

    Hopefully you were able to remain buds and there was no drama over it all.

    I actually miss him a little now, but I'll get over it. We said we'd stay friends but you know how that stuff usually goes. I contacted him again... now it's up to him.

    I wouldn't say I was in love though, Mostwant3d.
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    Jun 12, 2010 7:08 AM GMT
    I guess I'm the only one who'll play devil's advocate here.
    I agree with the OP 100%.
    If you know the relationship won't last, don't break someone's heart just because everyone else says you should be in a relationship.
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    Jun 12, 2010 7:41 AM GMT
    You may as well go and commit suicide too, end it all, because it (your life) want last either, and suicide is painless, but living is not.
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    Jun 12, 2010 3:43 PM GMT
    That's just plain silly
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    Jun 12, 2010 3:56 PM GMT
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    Jun 12, 2010 4:16 PM GMT
    You probably shouldn't be in a relationship if you are really that callous to begin with. Imagine how he feels, how would you like that reason. I'm going to break up with you now because it will probably end eventually anyway. I hope you weren't together very long and it didn't hurt him to much. Honestly, with all due respect to the OP, that is the most selfish, jack ass reason I have ever heard to treat another person like that. Until you are able to grow up a little more and be less selfish and confused in your personal relationships, you are absolutely right, it is pointless for you to date.

    When you get a flat tire, you don't get out and slash the other four, saying well they were eventually going to go flat anyway. What the hell? This cynical viewpoint of relationships could very well end up costing you everything in terms of finding yourself alone and with little real happiness. I would urge you to take a less cynical viewpoint and really care about the feelings of another person before you decide to date anyone again, or it will indeed be pointless.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jun 12, 2010 4:45 PM GMT
    I can relate to the OP, and I do talk myself out of dating someone sometimes because I feel like it won't last for one reason or another and I'm very much a "long term" type of guy.

    But I also know at this point I need to change this mindset and that I am thinking too much about it. To focus and fret about "forever" is to worry about something either I or someone I am dating cannot control. If I like a guy I just need to have patience and trust that everything will work out. If it doesn't last forever at least I tried.

    Perhaps OP, you can do the same and have a little faith that everything will work out. Don't be too hard on yourself if it doesn't, it is good that you tried.

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    Jun 12, 2010 5:02 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidI can relate to the OP, and I do talk myself out of dating someone sometimes because I feel like it won't last for one reason or another and I'm very much a "long term" type of guy.

    Except that in that last sense you are the opposite of the OP, who doesn't want to start a relationship because he thinks he's too young/JCO (just coming out) to be in one and that HE will break it off.

    I recently met a couple that's 18 and 19... and they've been dating for 2.5 years, highschool sweat hearts! (And they're both going to college locally,) So I don't think it's necessarily about "age".

    IDWBF, if you're looking to play the field... don't get in a relationship.
    If you are looking for Mr. Right, then do.
    Maybe you can have your cake and eat it, too, with an open relationship (not my specialty).
    Otherwise life is about making choices and it's your call to make.
  • DarkSensation

    Posts: 715

    Jun 12, 2010 5:04 PM GMT
    IDWBF said
    I'm 21 and haven't been with that many guys sexually so I don't think it's time to limit myself to one person... we're bound to break up anyway, so I figured I'd end it before it really started.


    I think that's the mistake that many Youngs Guys make Gay or straight......dont get serious when your'e Young. Slut yourself, Have some Fun, Taste the Waters and all ...also Get the main part of your life together like job, degree and all...then you should be ready for a relationship icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 12, 2010 5:20 PM GMT
    DarkSeduction said
    IDWBF said
    I'm 21 and haven't been with that many guys sexually so I don't think it's time to limit myself to one person... we're bound to break up anyway, so I figured I'd end it before it really started.


    I think that's the mistake that many Youngs Guys make Gay or straight......dont get serious when your'e Young. Slut yourself, Have some Fun, Taste the Waters and all ...also Get the main part of your life together like job, degree and all...then you should be ready for a relationship icon_biggrin.gif
    icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif


    I like the way this guy put it. LOLOL
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Jun 12, 2010 5:34 PM GMT
    bernd saidwhy do you live? you'll die anyway

    F T W
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 12, 2010 5:53 PM GMT
    See, I'm not wanting one because it WILL!
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    Jun 12, 2010 6:01 PM GMT
    IDWBF saidI started to date someone, but I decided to let it go because I didn't see the point...

    I'm 21 and haven't been with that many guys sexually so I don't think it's time to limit myself to one person... we're bound to break up anyway, so I figured I'd end it before it really started.


    random sex with strangers that leaves u feeling meaningless and empty...and the risk of getting sick or contracting something you really don't want.

    vs.

    experiencing the effort, challenge, and payoff of real love... the greatest of all human emotions and the best feeling you can ever have if you're blessed enough to experience it.

    your call.

    i choose the later.......icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 12, 2010 7:31 PM GMT
    YngHungSFSD saidYou probably shouldn't be in a relationship if you are really that callous to begin with. Imagine how he feels, how would you like that reason. I'm going to break up with you now because it will probably end eventually anyway. I hope you weren't together very long and it didn't hurt him to much. Honestly, with all due respect to the OP, that is the most selfish, jack ass reason I have ever heard to treat another person like that. Until you are able to grow up a little more and be less selfish and confused in your personal relationships, you are absolutely right, it is pointless for you to date.

    When you get a flat tire, you don't get out and slash the other four, saying well they were eventually going to go flat anyway. What the hell? This cynical viewpoint of relationships could very well end up costing you everything in terms of finding yourself alone and with little real happiness. I would urge you to take a less cynical viewpoint and really care about the feelings of another person before you decide to date anyone again, or it will indeed be pointless.


    I don't necessarily disagree with you in fact based on what you said you have a good heart and actually a gem in my book .......But:

    The Op may not have been active in grade school recess or High school socialization classes. Restricting him or not encouraging him to date would not be helpful to potential development. He may or may not develop in the way you or I would like but that is OK. There are tons of men out there of all ages up through 70's that are similar to him. He just needs to play in that play ground.

    If he is as honest with the guys he meets to date then they can decide to play or not. It doesn't sound like you would play with him but that decision would be based on getting this information. So I would encourage him just to be as honest with the guys he may hook up with.

    As you said: " I would urge you to take a less cynical viewpoint and really care about the feelings of another person before you decide to date anyone again, or it will indeed be pointless."

    I really hope he takes your advice as the other half for me being a human being is the ability to give of myself. However some people can't, won't are too scared or whatever. But he needs to get out there and find out!