Am I forever doomed?

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    Jun 13, 2010 3:04 AM GMT
    Hi everybody. Okay so this story is kinda-sorta-not really long so bare with me as I try to keep it short!

    As innocently as possible, I entered the Spring semester single with no one to mingle. Good start of the semester, etc. Then I went to one of my classes which had about 500 students. HUGE class and since I only learn well if I'm sitting in the front row (im a nerd, sue me), I sat there with a few girl friends of mine. We usually got to class early and just hung out until the class started. The first week passed by and it was a great great class. Then the second week, one of the TAs (Teacher's Assistant) came up to the students in the first few rows and introduced himself. Right then, from when he introduced himself to me, I was in awe. Then I was like NO WAY he's gay! Then I decided to add him to fb cuz he seems like a cool guy. It was to my surprise (and pleasure) that he is in fact gay from his fb.

    Over the next few months, we started intense eye contact and I talked to him a couple times and about my classes, etc and every time I would just melt when he looked at me. Then, I decided AFTER I take my final, I will email him and tell him that I like him. I did that and he told me that I need to wait until final grades are posted. Then after they were posted, he said he feels uncomfortable with the whole TA thing so he needs time to think about it.

    Well I guess he took his time...for a month. Until thursday, he messaged me (during this time I kinda moved on, etc). He told me he doesn't date guys under 25 (I'm 19) and he puts up a lot of walls. I was like good luck with what you're looking for, but then he told me what I'm doing that night? I was like nothing except gym. So he invited me over his place and was supposed to cook food.



    Now a little back story on ME. I came out to my best friend last May so over the past few months, I've gone through a lot of self discovery, etc. At this point, only my close friends know and a few others about my sexuality and due to complications, I'm not gonna tell my family.



    Back to the story. I got all dressed, head over his place. I saw him when I got out of the car and he seemed quiet and I was like how are you and after a few seconds he said good, you? and then we walked into his apartment. I went in and I looked at his living room and I said it looks nice and I saw his bedroom and he said this is my bedroom and I said I love the colors and such. I moved away from the bedroom when he grabbed my hand and said "come here...let me see you". At this point, I was freaking out on the inside. I've never been in a relationship or dated anyone to this point (except a few girls, ewww) so I'm SUPER new and unexperienced to this stuff. He looked a me and said "you look a lot cuter than I remember" and leaned in to kiss me. I took a step back and I said okay wait not right now. He said come on lemme just kiss you. I said okay no I'm freaking out, I'm new to this.

    He asked me what I meant and I explained that I just came out like a year ago and only my friends know. And then he was like it's okay and we just had dinner and talked about stuff. During the night, he told me how cute I was and how my photos on fb are hot and how he loves my shirt...and then asked me if I've ever kissed a boy. I replied, no. He then said if I want to kiss a boy now? I said I'm not ready yet and I apologized and he said don't apologize and how he has a modern take on sex and people should do what they feel comfortable with. He also said why my fb posts seemed like they had meanings behind them (I usually post lyrics, quotes, what I've written from my own stuff, etc that reflect my foods) and I said they're not that deep and he said well they seem like they are and I just explained how they are about my moods. He also told me he loves how I try to rationalize everything.

    Then it got a little awkward cuz I was still nervous and we sort of ran out of things to say until he thanked me for coming. I got up, hugged him (which was weird for me cuz he kept it long and I was not used to this) and he told me I smelled good.

    During the goodbye, he did not say anything like I'll call you, etc. So I was stuck trying to come up with something to say. I got nervous and I rambled some stuff and I was like is this awkward? omg im sorry if its awkward and he said no it's not awkward. And then I said goodbye and I left.

    Okay so last night, I decided to txt him and thank him for the night before, to which he replied "=)". It's Saturday, two days later and I have not heard anything else from him. I know he's not busy or anything via fb. So I feel like I blew it for being so "un-ready". If that's the reason, then I'm 100 percent fine because I did what I felt comfortable with.

    So am I doomed for being like this and I guess not slutting in and giving in? Is he into me or is he not? How long do I wait till I completely move on? I'm really confused to the point that I might become a lesbian (lol jk!).

    Thanks you guys!
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    Jun 13, 2010 3:14 AM GMT
    I honestly could not bring myself to read something that long. Can anyone provide me with the cliffnotes?
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    Jun 13, 2010 4:00 AM GMT

    Luvtohateit, you're on the edge of the pool; the only way to learn how to swim is to wade in. icon_wink.gif

    Kissing won't hurt. You'll like it, like it, like it. It's going to go as far as you let it, always remember that. Talk. That's big. Have fun. We'd like to say more but you know, someone once said that you can't help a chick to hatch (lol).

    respectfully -us guys
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    Jun 13, 2010 4:48 AM GMT
    luvitohateit saidRight then, from when he introduced himself to me, I was in awe.

    Being in awe is always more trouble than it's worth.

    luvitohateit saidSo am I doomed for being like this and I guess not slutting in and giving in?

    I don't consider kissing a guy being a slut. If you're not yet ready to simply kiss a guy, I'm not fully convinced you're ready to date. Most guys will expect a kiss during or at the end of a date.

    luvitohateit saidIs he into me or is he not?

    I think he showed you he was into you when he tried to kiss you. You rejected his attempt and say you freaked out. I'd be surprised if he contacted you for another date.

    luvitohateit saidHow long do I wait till I completely move on?

    It sounds like it's a good time to move on. Wait until you have a bit more confidence before you try again. Good luck!

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    Jun 13, 2010 5:00 AM GMT


    Frm ur point of view, good for you that you didn't do anything that you were uncomfortable w!

    Frm his point of view, your a cock tease who reached out to him and when push came to shove you tossed in the virginity card. Chuck it up as a learning lesson and move on.
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    Jun 13, 2010 5:23 AM GMT
    luvitohateit said(I usually post lyrics, quotes, what I've written from my own stuff, etc that reflect my foods)

    Bries, by Joyce Kilher

    I think that I shall never see
    A poem lovely as a Brie.

    A Brie 'gainst hungry mouth is prest
    Sunk in the white rind's moldy breast;

    A Brie that looks at me all day,
    And lifts my soul as if to pray;

    A Brie that may in summer wear
    A nest of furry growth like hair;

    Upon whose bosom some have lain,
    A label marked Produit de Seine.

    Poems are made by fools like me,
    But only France can make a Brie.


    The original poem "Trees" by Joyce Kilmer:

    I think that I shall never see
    A poem lovely as a tree.

    A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
    Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;

    A tree that looks at God all day,
    And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

    A tree that may in summer wear
    A nest of robins in her hair;

    Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
    Who intimately lives with rain.

    Poems are made by fools like me,
    But only God can make a tree.
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    Jun 13, 2010 5:59 AM GMT
    alot to read.. basically a crushed you assumed as straight found out was gay you met up after finals and had a uneasy experiecnce..

    well i wouldnt over analize it too much. it was first experiece and you where not ready and he was ready to do a bit more then you. i would say stick to what ever you values are about it, dont do something your not ready for just cause the person your with is. the message he sent is he looking for older guys yet he was also looking at you and what to met up kinda goes againt eachother but it maybe that he wants someone who is experience ie 25+. if you wonder anything about it just ask him or if you want to have another date but probally should be in a public place if you dont want it to quickly lead to bedrrom
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    Jun 13, 2010 6:06 AM GMT
    I think part of the problem might have been getting conflicting messages. Your choice not to be "slutty" (though I don't necessarily agree this would have constituted being so - it takes a lot more than one time with one person) is fine. However, he told you he wouldn't date you and then went and tried to have a date with you. It's confusing. My guess is that the reason you didn't want to do anything wasn't because you're newly out (a year isn't all that new) but because it just didn't feel right with HIM. Trust your gut on that one.
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    Jun 13, 2010 6:13 AM GMT
    lol

    simple:
    in college,met a guy,find out hes gay,eye flirting in class,talk a few times
    the guy tell him he only like guys over 25,then invites him over to his house anyways, shown house, shyed away when thing turn physical, virgan card was show (LOL), they ate and taked, admited never kissed, yada yada yada... the guy as flirting alot while luvitohateit was nervious/shy... the good bye was kinda cold, havent hear from him is since but only been like 2 days.. bla bla bla

    question asked:
    So am I doomed for being like this and I guess not slutting in and giving in? Is he into me or is he not? How long do I wait till I completely move on? I'm really confused to the point that I might become a lesbian (lol jk!).

    Thanks you guys! by: luvitohateit
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    Jun 13, 2010 6:17 AM GMT
    Cliff Notes:
    I met a guy bla bla bla bla bla he invited me over for dinner bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla he tried to kiss me in his bedroom- no! no! I screamed I'm a vi-vi-virgin... bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla okay bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla ate dinner and talked bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla said goodbye- long hug- I feel so dirty but it feels so right- but I feel so odd but- but bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla two days later and he still hasn't replied to my text. What should I do.
    The End.

    I'm on the same boat- the reason he probably only dates 25+ year old is because they should be more comfortable with there sexuality, i.e. have experience. We'll get there- don't rush- you'll eventually find someone that will move at your pace.

    Maybe now you'll get more replies. icon_wink.gif

    Damn my insomnia!
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    Jun 13, 2010 6:23 AM GMT
    I read it, not ALL that long. Good for you!! You did what YOU felt comfortable with and that's it. Anyone worthwhile would have acknowledged and respected how you felt. Sounds like he was looking at you as an interesting one night stand and when you wouldn't put out...that was it.
    Move on. There are so many GOOD guys out there. Keep just being yourself.
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    Jun 13, 2010 6:23 AM GMT
    From the sound of it and the way he acted when you first got there, I think he was just looking for a little action, and was probably trying to get you into thinking "what's the big deal about sex". I think you did great in not letting it go there if you didn't want to. He probably thought "ok, this kid is young and impressionable. Let's see what I can get out of him." Always stick to your gut feeling and don't let guys try to lure you into thinking another way. It could have ended up with something you would have regretted.
    You didn't blow anything. This guy doesn't sound like he was sincerely interested in getting to know you. I think you should move on from this guy. You'll get more chances to find the right one.
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    Jun 13, 2010 6:31 AM GMT
    added note i dont neccessary fully agree with saying move on instanly as other people post but be truefully to what you want, if you want to be with him see if he seriously want to or if he was just looking for a one night stand type of thing but if you dont or fell uncomfortable around him then dont put the engery in it
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    Jun 13, 2010 6:51 AM GMT
    First, I wonder whether this TA (or GTA - graduate teaching assistant?) has any input on the OP's course grade? If so, then he would come under the same no-sexual-contact rules as the professors usually do with their students. So right off the bat he may have some ethical problems with enticing the OP. And the OP risks having his grade influenced by the success or failure of a sexual relationship, and its longevity, at least through the semester, and for any subsequent ones with this same TA.

    But let's say the TA is merely the professor's helper, and has no involvement with evaluating papers or otherwise impacting the grades students will receive. I wouldn't term this slutty behavior; it's what gay men do. And the OP should feel flattered by the attention. As meninlove said, time to learn how to swim. If not with this guy, then with someone else, and there's no time like the present.

    What's gonna happen the next time he's offered sex, and the next, and the next? Always be Unready Freddy?
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    Jun 13, 2010 7:28 AM GMT
    Wilton saidFirst, I wonder whether this TA (or GTA - graduate teaching assistant?) has any input on the OP's course grade? If so, then he would come under the same no-sexual-contact rules as the professors usually do with their students. So right off the bat he may have some ethical problems with enticing the OP. And the OP risks having his grade influenced by the success or failure of a sexual relationship, and its longevity, at least through the semester, and for any subsequent ones with this same TA.


    Well, I waited AFTER the semester ended for me to approach him. That way, he was no longer my TA and therefore we were not risking anything.

    You guys, I'm trying to think about the situation with the help of your replies. I'll post my thoughts once I have them gathered a bit more.
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    Jun 13, 2010 7:29 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor said
    Import saidI honestly could not bring myself to read something that long. Can anyone provide me with the cliffnotes?

    Me either.. I'll wait with you for the cliffnotes as well. Please pass me some more wine while we wait for the translator to arrive....icon_cool.gif


    He wants to know when youre gonna have sex with him, Guy! Lol
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    Jun 13, 2010 7:39 AM GMT
    I know a lot of prior posters (many of whom I respect quite a bit) have advised to jump into the pool. I'm going to completely disagree. For some kids, when their parents threw them off the dock or into the pool when they were young, they ended up with a fear of water. Bottom line: I want you to enjoy finding out about yourself, and to minimize regrets.

    What I think ya need is a supportive friend, who is willing to let you experiment on him, taking it slow. See what feels comfortable to you. That way, you can make boundaries that YOU are happy with. I have a friend I talk to frequently. He's 25 and is still a virgin (this also begins again another thread of just what a virgin is, but I won't go there now). He wants to wait until its the right person before giving up the V-Card. His choice, his boundaries, and he's happy with them.

    Just because everyone else does something, that doesn't mean you need to. Do what's right for you.
  • tony_boost

    Posts: 390

    Jun 13, 2010 7:45 AM GMT
    this story is so cute it reminds me of when i first started dating guys, trust me you'll get over the whole i don't kiss on the first date thing lol
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    Jun 13, 2010 9:38 AM GMT
    zarin saidI know a lot of prior posters (many of whom I respect quite a bit) have advised to jump into the pool. I'm going to completely disagree. For some kids, when their parents threw them off the dock or into the pool when they were young, they ended up with a fear of water. Bottom line: I want you to enjoy finding out about yourself, and to minimize regrets.

    What I think ya need is a supportive friend, who is willing to let you experiment on him, taking it slow. See what feels comfortable to you. That way, you can make boundaries that YOU are happy with. I have a friend I talk to frequently. He's 25 and is still a virgin (this also begins again another thread of just what a virgin is, but I won't go there now). He wants to wait until its the right person before giving up the V-Card. His choice, his boundaries, and he's happy with them.

    Just because everyone else does something, that doesn't mean you need to. Do what's right for you.


    You cant just transfer personal experiences into others when yourself and your optional character(friend) potentially differ psychologically from the original poster and his yet to meet "friend".

    Luvitohateit, the only reason why you freaked out was because of that damn bed. His initial invitation was something unexpected for you and due to a lack of experience on your part you had no clue how to handle it without making it feel awkward hence you made it feel awkward. Most likely any other invitation he had to offer(kiss/hug/etc) would trigger that bed proposition again, and again make you feel uncomfortable. It wasnt your fault, it was his for showing you that bed on a first date, he knew he was dating a potentially unexperienced 19 year old. In my opinion he went too fast and then it was already too late too slow down. Move on(for now)

    My advice to you is to fantasize, think of the perfect date, make up your own story and enjoy it, live it as it were real and explore yourself constantly(get ideas from movies, novels and such), this initially should help you to make you more "stable" when it comes to meet other guys, to expect the unexpected, and to know how to handle certain situations causing minimum discomfort. Big step, the rest comes from experiences, and you just had your first one.
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    Jun 13, 2010 9:39 AM GMT
    I think, when all is said and done, I truly believe that he's now just waiting for you to make the next move. Maybe he feels like he was pushing you and now just wants to back off to allow you the time to make your decision if you're ready to move forward. If you really want this, then you've won the coin flip and need to decide what comes next.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 13, 2010 11:16 AM GMT
    Cliff Notes:
    I met a guy bla bla bla bla bla he invited me over for dinner bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla he tried to kiss me in his bedroom- no! no! I screamed I'm a vi-vi-virgin... bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla okay bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla ate dinner and talked bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla said goodbye- long hug- I feel so dirty but it feels so right- but I feel so odd but- but bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla two days later and he still hasn't replied to my text. What should I do.
    The End.


    That was Fukkin' Funny icon_biggrin.gif
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Jun 13, 2010 11:36 AM GMT
    yep you blew it with him, he wanted to bum you on the first date, you held back, which is ok i guess if you;re not a slag, then he tried to kiss you and you took a step back, so chances are you will never hear from this guy again. no one you just met invites you to go to their house so you can sample their cooking, he wanted bum sex. you didnt give it to him, so not happening. he was prob quite embarrassed himself. and another newsflash he did all the listening in about you and coming out and stuff because he was thinking im defo bumming this guy tonight. sorry love, i suggest you take your time and discover what you want and how you feel and when you are Ready to kiss someone and have sex with someone make sure you feel safe and secure and dont give in to pressure, find people on the same boat as yourself that might be both therapeutic and a good way to make gay friends start relationships...good luck!
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    Jun 13, 2010 11:43 AM GMT
    A1EX saidCliff Notes:
    I met a guy bla bla bla bla bla he invited me over for dinner bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla he tried to kiss me in his bedroom- no! no! I screamed I'm a vi-vi-virgin... bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla okay bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla ate dinner and talked bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla said goodbye- long hug- I feel so dirty but it feels so right- but I feel so odd but- but bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla two days later and he still hasn't replied to my text. What should I do.
    The End.


    I think I love you
  • Razzmaniac

    Posts: 240

    Jun 13, 2010 11:43 AM GMT
    He sounds kinda creepy for saying all that stuff to you at his house and making you uncomfortable. Sad that some guys cant just enjoy a "date" without being so forward. That woulda turned me off too and i'm 40. . .HA. . .

    STAY THE WAY YOU ARE BRO. . . DONT GIVE IN TO PUSHY GUYS.!!!!!
    BE SAFE!!!
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    Jun 13, 2010 2:35 PM GMT
    zarin saidI know a lot of prior posters (many of whom I respect quite a bit) have advised to jump into the pool. I'm going to completely disagree. For some kids, when their parents threw them off the dock or into the pool when they were young, they ended up with a fear of water. Bottom line: I want you to enjoy finding out about yourself, and to minimize regrets.

    What I think ya need is a supportive friend, who is willing to let you experiment on him, taking it slow. See what feels comfortable to you. That way, you can make boundaries that YOU are happy with. I have a friend I talk to frequently. He's 25 and is still a virgin (this also begins again another thread of just what a virgin is, but I won't go there now). He wants to wait until its the right person before giving up the V-Card. His choice, his boundaries, and he's happy with them.

    Just because everyone else does something, that doesn't mean you need to. Do what's right for you.


    You know that's great advice, zarin. When we used our pool analogy we forgot one vital point - start in the shallow end til you know how to swim, luvtohateit! Wade in, don't dive in.