Are some people incapable of falling in love?

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    Jun 13, 2010 11:47 PM GMT
    Had this discussion with my buddy and I just feel that some people cannot have that surrender that falling in love entails. I mean, I have loved a few men but nothing profound enough to make me betray my logic to allow them to have that influence on me. Thoughts?
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    Jun 14, 2010 1:15 AM GMT
    Define "falling in love", please.
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    Jun 14, 2010 1:17 AM GMT
    Define "love."
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    Jun 14, 2010 1:26 AM GMT
    agri_sci saidHad this discussion with my buddy and I just feel that some people cannot have that surrender that falling in love entails. I mean, I have loved a few men but nothing profound enough to make me betray my logic to allow them to have that influence on me. Thoughts?


    You haven't met the right guy yet. Unfortunately that is very common, but reality. The more one gets himself 'out there' the more chance there is of finding 'Him'.
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    Jun 14, 2010 1:56 AM GMT
    agri_sci saidHad this discussion with my buddy and I just feel that some people cannot have that surrender that falling in love entails. I mean, I have loved a few men but nothing profound enough to make me betray my logic to allow them to have that influence on me. Thoughts?

    Perhaps too many thoughts already. What makes you call it a surrender, and a betrayal of your "logic" to love someone? Is it logic at work, or an illogical fear?

    Often when we find ourselves doing (or not doing) what most everyone else is doing, and for no discernible reason, we invent all kinds of rationalizations that obscure the real cause. And not only to persuade others to accept our exceptional behavior as being unremarkable and logical, but to convince ourselves of it, as well.

    And so, yes, in a sense some people are incapable of falling in love. But only because they won't LET themselves fall in love, not that they really can't. Your comments suggest to me you see love as a 1-way street, where others take your love from you and give nothing in return. That wouldn't be a good deal if that's how it always is.

    But I've generally found myself loved as much as I loved others, so that I had to surrender nothing, but rather got back at least as much as I gave. And my own logic is that I have nothing to fear from the influence of others, and much to gain, provided I can tell the difference between a good influence and a bad one, and when my own influence on others is equally appreciated & welcome, too.
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    Jun 14, 2010 3:54 AM GMT
    Absolutely, but lust yes.
  • mybud

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    Jun 14, 2010 4:27 AM GMT
    Love is being able to care for another person more than yourself......Some people can't do that.....
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    Jun 14, 2010 4:38 AM GMT
    agri_sci saidHad this discussion with my buddy and I just feel that some people cannot have that surrender that falling in love entails. I mean, I have loved a few men but nothing profound enough to make me betray my logic to allow them to have that influence on me. Thoughts?
    If I am understanding you correctly, what you described in yourself could be thought of as defensive or self-preservation. However that kind of behavior can also be self sabotaging.

    The problem is that if we don't allow ourselves to be totally open in a relationship and make ourselves vulnerable you deprive yourself of the opportunity to experience a very common and rewarding aspect of humanity.

    In truth there is nothing to fear in allowing ourselves to be "hurt" in relationships .. as you get older you learn that you can pick yourself up and dust off, and keep going. Your heart can only grow stronger by letting it experience and learn. If you shelter your heart and surround it by walls it could very well wither and not grow.

    Trust but expect the unexpected. Trust sometimes brings a great reward .. greater than "good" icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 14, 2010 1:03 PM GMT
    ActiveAndFit- your hotness has increased ten fold IMO.
    Thank you for teaching me.(0

    ActiveAndFit saidTrust but expect the unexpected. Trust sometimes brings a great reward .. greater than "good" icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 14, 2010 2:48 PM GMT
    icon_lol.gif
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    Jun 14, 2010 5:10 PM GMT
    All great post above.
    I too believed as you do then I met the one that took over control of both my upper and lower brain functions. Having never experienced it before I thought I must have some sort brain cancer. However, with further investigation, I realized the symptoms only presented when he was in the vicinity; correlations were unmistakable. The realization of which were completely life altering.
    Sadly it took me 30 years to find him, but I’m so happy I did because I would still be clueless as to why so many put so much emotion into the words I love you.
    I hope you do find him.
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    Jun 14, 2010 5:21 PM GMT
    Hmm, I'd call this resistance to 'surrender' and 'betrayed logic" what it is - fear.

    If you divide most of the emotions that block love into their component parts, at the root of almost all those emotions and their parts, you'll find fear. As much as most want love, they fear it. Because it does require all those scary things: responsibility, trust, surrender, compromise, vulnerability, etc.

    It's a cliche that the good things don't come easy. But it's a cliche because it's universal and true.

    Abandoning our fears - fear of being hurt, fear of a love defying logic, fear of compromise, fear of feeling something deep and moving - leaves room in the mind and heart for things like love and happiness. It seems a fair, if difficult, exchange.

  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jun 14, 2010 5:34 PM GMT
    Sociopath, psychopath, Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There are a great number of humans that show no discernible ability for empathy, compassion, or concern for fellow humans.....let alone a complex emotion like love.
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    Jun 14, 2010 8:59 PM GMT
    Wow! Alot of well thought responses so I will address some of the topics that I saw in common.

    Fear? Nah not really. I do date around and put myself out there but ultimately, guys get really frusterated because I am not an emotional person and don't get too attached very easily. That is my biggest problem is that I really do not get this overwhelming feeling even when I am crushing on a dude.

    Getting hurt is a part of life and I have had my share so I am not staying away from the fire. It just even when I really care about a guy, it is never that profound thing that they say they feel (if its requited).

    I understand that from your point of view that I am one of the many people with Elenore Rigby/Delta Dawn syndrome but that is not the case. I simply do not feel gushing emotions.

    For example, my brothers are VERY demostrative and get really upset that I do not usually like people touching me without me inviting them into my space. Its not that I do not care, I just find alot of hugging and that to be excessive.

    This translates into my relationship with gay men because...

    I HATE TO CUDDLE...only a few I will let do that. Its not fear or anxiety, its just a turn off to be demostrative...I hate holding hands or other PDA.

    I am just the guy that SHOWS he cares and doesnt have to say it or hold your hand.


    Example...

    A way I show I care is spending time with somebody or going outta my way to do something nice.

    So now this beingsaid, am I the only one that is just not superemotional or demostrative? Its not like I do not feel things, I just do not lose control and let my impulses rule me, even in love.
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    Jun 14, 2010 9:11 PM GMT
    Yes, you are the only man with intimacy issues…


    ...no wait, I think every gay mans farther also has these issues so I guess you are not alone.
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    Jun 14, 2010 9:14 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidYes, you are the only man with intimacy issues…


    ...no wait, I think every gay mans farther also has these issues so I guess you are not alone.


    Some more constructive would have been more helpful.
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    Jun 14, 2010 9:15 PM GMT
    I do believe that some people are incapable of falling in love, like me.

    In the past, when I was younger and dated more frequently (I've been out since I was 21), there were some guys who I believed to be men of quality and worthiness of my sentiments and attention. Unfortunately, my ostensible feelings fell grandly on deaf appreciation and so many factors contributed to my becoming distant, icy, and stone-cold insensitive toward the whole notion of falling in love. Of course, this kind of love is different than the love we share for a parent, sibling, or friend. And now as a 40 year old male who hasn't really dated since 2002, I just don't see myself ever falling in love with anyone. Yes, there can be an infatuation for a guy, but this quickly fizzles fast.

    Nowadays, when I see younger people in public (straight and gay) making lovey-dovey glances at one another or expressing their feelings through words or kissing, I simply roll my eyes and go back to minding my business. I no longer believe I could fall for someone, especially in the gay community where so many other inconvenient and un-professed selfish factors play into knowing a person. I just can't fall in love because I've experienced what is seemingly the worst in human selfishness and inability to effectively communicate. I just don't see why I should waste my time especially in an era where most guys like doing "lay-over relationships" before they move onto that "perfect 10" of a guy.
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    Jun 14, 2010 9:17 PM GMT
    cadudesf saidI do believe that some people are incapable of falling in love, like me.

    In the past, when I was younger and dated more frequently (I've been out since I was 21), there were some guys who I believed to be men of quality and worthiness of my sentiments and attention. Unfortunately, my ostensible feelings fell grandly on deaf appreciation and so many factors contributed to my becoming distant, icy, and stone-cold insensitive toward the whole notion of falling in love. Of course, this kind of love is different than the love we share for a parent, sibling, or friend. And now as a 40 year old male who hasn't really dated since 2002, I just don't see myself ever falling in love with anyone. Yes, there can be an infatuation for a guy, but this quickly fizzles fast.

    Nowadays, when I see younger people in public (straight and gay) making lovey-dovey glances at one another or expressing their feelings through words or kissing, I simply roll my eyes and go back to minding my business. I no longer believe I could fall for someone, especially in the gay community where so many other inconvenient and un-professed selfish factors play into knowing a person. I just can't fall in love because I've experienced what is seemingly the worst in human selfishness and inability to effectively communicate. I just don't see why I should waste my time especially in an era where most guys like doing "lay-over relationships" before they move onto that "perfect 10" of a guy.


    Right on the money dude!
  • DanielQQ

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    Jun 14, 2010 9:21 PM GMT
    How comfortable are you with being emotionally intimate with someone? Do you feel much distress when relationships of yours end (friendship or romantic)? How comfortable are you sharing your thoughts and feelings with others?

    You may simply have an avoidant attachment style. Depending on how "dull" your emotions are, some might even say you have Schizoid personality disorder. Personally, i hate pathologizing anyone's behavior if it doesn't cause them emotional distress.

    I do think some of the guys above are on to something about your fear, however. Look at the way you phrased it.. you don't want guys to have an influence on you. Why not? What's so undesirable about that?

    I have found that my willingness to become emotionally invested and attached has wavered in my lifetime. From age 21-29 i was very cold and distant, and my relationships were usually superficial or shallow. People sensed that it wouldn't bother me much if they never called me again. It was easy for me to cut strings. But as I became more older (and hopefully wiser), i came to understand that the influence others can have over me (the influence that you avoid) can actually make me a better person. It's not the influence itself, but who you choose to "let in."

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  • Falconcc_24

    Posts: 75

    Jun 14, 2010 9:31 PM GMT
    It's possible. Especially if the guy has only been in environments where they're just another notch on the bedpost or a means to an itch.

    Without knowing what love is they only know lust and infatuation (both extremely fleeting and not long-lasting). After a while, there are those that think that this is all there is and just give up.
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    Jun 14, 2010 9:38 PM GMT
    DanielQQ saidHow comfortable are you with being emotionally intimate with someone? Do you feel much distress when relationships of yours end (friendship or romantic)? How comfortable are you sharing your thoughts and feelings with others?

    You may simply have an avoidant attachment style. Depending on how "dull" your emotions are, some might even say you have Schizoid personality disorder. Personally, i hate pathologizing anyone's behavior if it doesn't cause them emotional distress.

    I do think some of the guys above are on to something about your fear, however. Look at the way you phrased it.. you don't want guys to have an influence on you. Why not? What's so undesirable about that?

    I have found that my willingness to become emotionally invested and attached has wavered in my lifetime. From age 21-29 i was very cold and distant, and my relationships were usually superficial or shallow. People sensed that it wouldn't bother me much if they never called me again. It was easy for me to cut strings. But as I became more older (and hopefully wiser), i came to understand that the influence others can have over me (the influence that you avoid) can actually make me a better person. It's not the influence itself, but who you choose to "let in."

    spock.jpg


    I have no issue with intimacy at all. I only feel distress when a relationship ends on bad terms because I want to remember somebody at their best. I share my thoughts TOO much and my feelings I share in a way where I am more examining them out loud...I like to understand why I feel a certain way.

    Its not that I am afraid of a gay guy having influence on me, its just none ever have. Nobody I have dated has really struck me and although I am fond of many of them...They did not rock my world enough to give me the desire to give them that part of me.

    Honestly, I think in regards to gay men...I really haven't found anybody who I wanted to be that close to. At least in my experience, I really havent found anybody that I could relate to and they could to me. I have their friendship and respect but they live in a totally different reality than mine.

    Again, I am not afraid...not at all. I just haven't gotten a good hand in this card game called love.

    One of my mantras...
    This world is a very narrow bridge. The important thing is not to be afraid.

    --Reb Nachman of Breslov (1772-1810)
  • DanielQQ

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    Jun 14, 2010 9:45 PM GMT
    could be as simple as just haven't met the right guy then...? (as BuddinNYC suggests)
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    Jun 14, 2010 9:47 PM GMT
    DanielQQ saidcould be as simple as just haven't met the right guy then...?


    Perhaps but I find it odd that I havent fallen for anybody...Being openly gay for almost a decade and having dated casually...I had a few bfs but never long term because I had to be honest and say I really did not feel that way. I just figured that I just can't get attached to somebody in THAT way.
  • DanielQQ

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    Jun 14, 2010 9:55 PM GMT
    you came out at 13? that's amazing. congrats to that. i'm curious, why did you post this topic? are you concerned that you don't seem to fall in love? or are you just curious as to whether others felt the same way?

    I hate when people do this, so i feel bad about doing it myself, but i'll point out that you're 23 and we can assume you have a lot of living left to do. maybe you'll revisit this post in 10 years and chuckle...?

    Also, I have fallen in love and never have i felt i "surrendered" to that person. It means something different for everyone, but for me, falling in love simply meant feeling enriched by having that person in my life, feeling like they somehow complimented me, and feeling like they're my best friend... combined with the feeling of wanting to fuck them ;)
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    Jun 14, 2010 10:02 PM GMT
    DanielQQ saidyou came out at 13? that's amazing. congrats to that. i'm curious, why did you post this topic? are you concerned that you don't seem to fall in love? or are you just curious as to whether others felt the same way?

    I hate when people do this, so i feel bad about doing it myself, but i'll point out that you're 23 and we can assume you have a lot of living left to do. maybe you'll revisit this post in 10 years and chuckle...?

    Also, I have fallen in love and never have i felt i "surrendered" to that person. It means something different for everyone, but for me, falling in love simply meant feeling enriched by having that person in my life, feeling like they somehow complimented me, and feeling like they're my best friend... combined with the feeling of wanting to fuck them ;)


    I posted this because of both of those reasons...

    I am quite aware I am "only 23" but lately...all my friends are engaged or married and since I am the lone gay friend in all my social circles...its been hitting me hard. Just realizing that maybe I missed something they had found.

    When I use the term surrender, I basically meant that I refuse to be in a co-dependent enabling relationship. I want something egalitatian and supportive, not us feeding off eachother.

    I have not found a gay man that I can call a best friend at this point so I would take that first over anything. I want to find that best friend but I have a hard time being more than casual friends with most gay men.