Straight-gay-love! confusion! -- An inquiry or opinion!!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 14, 2010 3:39 PM GMT
    Hi there,


    I really don't know where or how to start... I'll try to make it as short as I can.

    Hmm... I'm gay, I knew/found out that long ago, but no one really knows... no one around me that is, also none of those who know me personally. Only few people I met online I told them the truth about being gay.

    I never say not because I'm ashamed or scared or anything but because I choose so... I wanted to live as a straight guy...I have NOTHING against gay people in anyway... and I don't hate or anything, I'm really a simple easy going person. I just always dreamed of my life to be in a certain way...
    I tried my best to shape it so, and I played the part so good, and everything was fine until now!

    I have a girlfriend that I really love, and she loves me even more but I am not attracted to her sexually at all...

    I am not sure what I can do now! Should I tell her the truth! Should we try like that, should I let her go, Should I go on lying like I did for the past 14 years or so!

    I keep thinking, will I be able to deal with that in the future!
    Again, I am not lying to the girl, I love her, really... but now I am so confused, I always thought love wud be enough but here it comes with a lot of pain...

    I have no one to talk to about that, I need opinion, advice or anything that can make this a bit easier for me... did anyone experience something close to this?

    pm me if you don't like to talk here...

    I'll be waiting your replies...

    icon_confused.gif
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jun 14, 2010 4:04 PM GMT
    you admit you're gay, but you're asking whether you should tell a girl whom you love, but aren't sexually attracted to you, that you're gay? yes, you're lying to the girl because you just said you're gay and aren't sexually attracted to her and I am pretty sure she assumes otherwise.

    for her sake, she deserves to find a man that loves her in a way that you can't. coming out in this instance is not just about you. she deserves her own life full of truth and she deserves to know for her sake.
  • davidnta

    Posts: 86

    Jun 14, 2010 4:14 PM GMT
    If you want to talk, I'll be more than willing to give advice or listen.

    I studied issues of coming out and relational communication with my advisor for my MA.

    From what I initially am reading, it sounds like you do care, but you've been raised to believe in a certain way of life, and because you feel different, it's messing with you.

    Coming out is scary sometimes because we don't want to feel rejected and it's hard to live up to a certain vision. It won't get better over time, and you definitely risk hurting and/or making your girlfriend hate you more. I've seen many people come out in their late 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s who felt like they've wasted their lives because they weren't brave enough to take any chances.

    People do strange, weird, and destructive behaviors because they're not comfortable with themselves and aren't out. If you try and marry someone who is straight, then you're not only going to devastate your own life when you do come out, but theirs as well.
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    Jun 14, 2010 5:24 PM GMT
    Thanks for your replies...

    calibro saidyou admit you're gay, but you're asking whether you should tell a girl whom you love, but aren't sexually attracted to you, that you're gay? yes, you're lying to the girl because you just said you're gay and aren't sexually attracted to her and I am pretty sure she assumes otherwise.


    hmm... sorry, I 'm not sure I get ye !

    if I understood correctly, then no, I'm saying, I never had a trouble with playing the straight guy.. since it worked for me and for a long time should I go on and try my chances here(this situation) too.



    [quote]for her sake, she deserves to find a man that loves her in a way that you can't. coming out in this instance is not just about you. she deserves her own life full of truth and she deserves to know for her sake. [/quote]

    This I agree with... but it breaks my heart... and sure hers too...


    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HERE

    [cite]davidnta said[/cite]If you want to talk, I'll be more than willing to give advice or listen.

    I studied issues of coming out and relational communication with my advisor for my MA.

    From what I initially am reading, it sounds like you do care, but you've been raised to believe in a certain way of life, and because you feel different, it's messing with you.



    Hi,

    Thanks a lot. Yes, I do need to talk openly about that..

    it might have to do with how I raised, but it is also to do with how I feel...
    I mean it is really wired that I love her emotionally but not sexually! it is messing my head up...

    I am wondering cud I ever build something based on that love I have! but then I question what about this need... can I keep it hidden forever!


    [quote] If you try and marry someone who is straight, then you're not only going to devastate your own life when you do come out, but theirs as well.[/quote]


    That's why I am so hesitating now, I don't know if I should keep playing the role... I am afraid that I'd hurt her and others around us.. even if I don't come out, I might end cheating, or she may if I can't satisfy her...


    ...coming out wud devastate my life anyway, so it is not an option now... but I have been thinking that I should let her go... lie to her in anyway, like telling her that I'm sick and we can't get married or something else to get her away from me, at least she can live happy with someone can give her what I may not be able to...


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 14, 2010 5:50 PM GMT

    uzak, lying to her either way won't help her or you. Tell that you love her very much, which is the truth, AND tell her that you're not sexually attracted at all, which is the truth. It happens all the time in the straight world, where both the man and the woman are not gay.

  • mtneerman

    Posts: 476

    Jun 14, 2010 6:24 PM GMT
    if you really love her, let her go. you say coming out now is not an option, but what if it is an option 5 years from now? it would be extremely selfish to string her along till the time is right for you. tell her you love her but are not in love with her. then you would be free to start living your life the way you want to. you don't have to be out to live your life. many gay men have sex, date and even have relationships while still closeted.
  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Jun 14, 2010 6:31 PM GMT
    May I just ask if you have sex with her or not?
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    Jun 14, 2010 6:37 PM GMT
    uzak saidHi there,


    I really don't know where or how to start... I'll try to make it as short as I can.

    Hmm... I'm gay, I knew/found out that long ago, but no one really knows... no one around me that is, also none of those who know me personally. Only few people I met online I told them the truth about being gay.

    I never say not because I'm ashamed or scared or anything but because I choose so... I wanted to live as a straight guy...I have NOTHING against gay people in anyway... and I don't hate or anything, I'm really a simple easy going person. I just always dreamed of my life to be in a certain way...
    I tried my best to shape it so, and I played the part so good, and everything was fine until now!

    I have a girlfriend that I really love, and she loves me even more but I am not attracted to her sexually at all...

    I am not sure what I can do now! Should I tell her the truth! Should we try like that, should I let her go, Should I go on lying like I did for the past 14 years or so!

    I keep thinking, will I be able to deal with that in the future!
    Again, I am not lying to the girl, I love her, really... but now I am so confused, I always thought love wud be enough but here it comes with a lot of pain...

    I have no one to talk to about that, I need opinion, advice or anything that can make this a bit easier for me... did anyone experience something close to this?

    pm me if you don't like to talk here...

    I'll be waiting your replies...

    icon_confused.gif


    Sexuality is not strick black and white, but unfortunately that's how people see it. Sexuality is fluid, and so is love. Regardless of your sexuality, if you truly love her, then great, there's definitely nothing wrong with that. Everyone always try to peg somebody into a certain role. Don't listen to that, listen to yourself.
    Having said that, if she knows about you, she shouldn't expect you to change. If she understands you and loves you for who you are, then awesome, you found the right girl.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Jun 14, 2010 7:08 PM GMT
    We lie when we are afraid, ashamed, or cowardly. Truth, as painful as it can be, requires fearless, shameless courage. That means an unapologetic sense of self that permits us to truly be exactly who we are, not some invention of who we wish to be.

    Truth free's us. It doesn't mean instant bliss, or a simple path in life. But it gives us control over our life in a way that lying robs from us; for example:
    who you hurt is of little consequence if you choose to lie, because you can always lie to yourself about what is for the best, so why worry? On the other hand, if we are to make it through life with our character in tact, we must expect to be challenged. Sometimes, the challenge includes unintentionally hurting someone we love, without any malice or intent to cause pain, but rather the necessity to be truthful in order to promote something better, healthier. There is nothing healthy about a lie. Nothing.

    The only choice you really have to make is that of truth or lying. Control of your own life, or abdicating control to the lie. But be warned - there is nothing, absolutely not one thing noble about telling her the truth, but continuing to lie to yourself or others. That's just the invention of an entirely different person altogether.

    Good luck. You face something very painful and difficult. Choose well, with your character and integrity in mind, and you will heal and be whole. You'll be a Real jock.
  • rdblueodu2011

    Posts: 9

    Jun 14, 2010 7:53 PM GMT
    I have dealt with this same thing, just not as long as you probably have.

    Simply put, don't live a lie. You will never be truly happy. I got very nervous with people finding out, and I still don't scream gay where ever I go, I just am masculine 99% of the time, and I choose to live like this.

    It will be hard to become comfortable with being out, but when you are, it will make a world of difference.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 14, 2010 8:02 PM GMT
    Say you guys, have you noticed he's in Istanbul, Turkey?

    "No laws exist in Turkey that protect LGBT people from discrimination in employment, education, housing, health care, public accommodations or credit."

    from wikipedia

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Turkey
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 14, 2010 10:04 PM GMT
    Dude.. you're trying to say that not telling the whole truth, isn't the same as lying? The girl you're dating expects you to grow old with her, have kids, get a house, and take care of her for the rest of her life. That's most likely won't happen. If you're gay, eventually you're going to want to bust out.

    This chick has an image she's created for her life too. And I'm willing to bet it DOESN'T involve a secretly gay husband.

    I get that you're not cool with being 'out'. But take a look around this site. There are lots of gay guys who aren't out, and still lead a decently healthy gay life, in a functioning "straight" role.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Jun 14, 2010 10:18 PM GMT
    calibro saidyou admit you're gay, but you're asking whether you should tell a girl whom you love, but aren't sexually attracted to you, that you're gay? yes, you're lying to the girl because you just said you're gay and aren't sexually attracted to her and I am pretty sure she assumes otherwise.

    for her sake, she deserves to find a man that loves her in a way that you can't. coming out in this instance is not just about you. she deserves her own life full of truth and she deserves to know for her sake.


    +1
    Regardless of whether you come out in general or not you need to talk to her about this. If you really *can't* talk to her for whatever reason then you probably need to let her go.
    How old are you?
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Jun 15, 2010 12:21 AM GMT
    meninlove said Say you guys, have you noticed he's in Istanbul, Turkey?

    "No laws exist in Turkey that protect LGBT people from discrimination in employment, education, housing, health care, public accommodations or credit."

    from wikipedia

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Turkey


    Nor does it in Florida. I understand and respect the sometimes difficult cultural differences in some parts of the world, but Turkey is not exactly backwards and oppressive. Take a look here http://www.istanbulgay.com/guide.html
    There is not any law against homosexuality in Turkey since the beginning of the republic period (1923). In fact, there is not any law at all concerning homosexuality. In theory, some general laws can be applied if you make sex in places open to public, but it is never heard of such an incident in real life. The age of consent is 18, which also applies as the age limit to be able to enter bars and clubs selling alcohol. Although there are still some small defects with her democracy, Turkey is the most secular and democratic "Muslim country" in the world, much more closer to the western culture. The new democratic laws accepted by the parliament in 2002 and 2003 have improved this situation further more. Unfortunately, when a new law was being accepted to punish various discriminations in late 2004, sexual orientation was omitted by the present Government at the last minute. When critics grow, the Minister of Justice said that the phrase that means "discrimination against sexuality" already taking place in the latest regulation would automatically cover "sexual orientation" as well. Even this is can be considered as an improvement, when considering the present government is from the most conservative party that ever came to power in Turkey.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 16, 2010 2:52 PM GMT
    Thanks a lot for these replies... it gave me a lot of different perspectives.. I appreciate it. I will reply to all soon.


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    Jun 18, 2010 12:21 PM GMT

    Hi again,

    First of all and again, people on the forum seem to be very nice and very real... So thanks again for your response.

    After a week of thinking day and night (alongside working and pretending that nothing is wrong) I came to a decision. I'm going to try and go on with her...

    Why!



    [quote] Sexuality is not strick black and white, but unfortunately that's how people see it. Sexuality is fluid, and so is love. Regardless of your sexuality, if you truly love her, then great, there's definitely nothing wrong with that. Everyone always try to peg somebody into a certain role. Don't listen to that, listen to yourself.
    Having said that, if she knows about you, she shouldn't expect you to change. If she understands you and loves you for who you are, then awesome, you found the right girl.[/quote]

    This reply [thanx GigoloAssassin, aloha ;) ]

    The reply that sorta fits me the best.. Also, and we all make sacrifices for love to grow or even for it to work... And life can't depend on one thing only... (not only sex, not only love, not only money, not only understanding, not even on health alone, one thing is never enough... if you know what I mean.)

    ... The only thing we're facing (I'm more than she is), it is hard for me to be turn on (sexually) by her, which sometimes I manage to do. Other than that, she has all the description of the girl I always dreamed of... with her I can build a great family and I hope God blesses us with beautiful kids. She understands me, appreciate me for who I am and on top of all she LOVE me heaps.


    On the other hand, I'm thinking of telling her the truth somehow... that despite all, I choose her and choose to be with her...


    @Meninlove... I'm thinking about telling her the truth... but also thinking about keeping my little secret to myself... I'm sure I will still be with her, and after sometime I will decide on telling her or not...

    p.s I'm in Turkey but I'm not Turkish, well... not fully Turkish anyway ;)

    @mtneerman... I worked so hard to arrive where I am today, this is almost the life I want... ust to satisfy my sexual needs, I'm not gonna start all over again... well, I could if I want, but I don't!
    what you said is true but also what I feel... so I think I'm gonna give love a chance and see ho it works from there icon_smile.gif

    p.s thanks for the picture comment... ;)

    @Maximumrisk... no, not really/not fully.... why!


    @MuscleComeBack... very nice words... very wise and very true... and I'm thinking about telling her the truth... and see if she is willing to take the chances with me if she really loves me, but then again

    1st her culture/they way she thinks of and looks at this issue very differently so it will be a big risk as you said.

    2nd ... well, y'see... the truth and the lie here is mixed, even more mixed in my head and that's why it's hard.

    Love & Sex!

    you can have sex with someone you don't love much/just like/ (sometimes even someone you don't know)

    but can you love some one you have sex with! I mean will sex makes it the reason for loving him/liking him... (rarely, right)

    it is more about feelings... and feeling depend on many things other than sexuality... so I am taking my chances icon_smile.gif

    p.s Turkey is fine... it is not 100% gay friendly, but not bad at all...

    @rdblueodu2011... truth will set you free... again like what I said to MuscleComeBack.. the truth here is a bit of a mix up in this case... only time will set me free... icon_smile.gif

    @KentuckyTuss... ur very American, the way you speak/write.. I like American accent... heheh ..

    well... I want to have all that you said with her... I knew that but I just am not sure if I can deal with my problem or how to deal with! now I decided, I will work my *** off to achieve that what I want and be with her... icon_smile.gif


    @neosyllogy... yes, true... I thought about that even before you write it... but it is a hard choice and I needed some opinions and that's how I ended up here icon_smile.gif

    p.s I'm almost same age as you...


    _______________________

    I'm still gonna be around here... the forum is really nice and many friendly ppl, feel free to talk to me about anything...

    bye for now...