Is an apology enough

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 18, 2010 8:04 PM GMT
    So when me and my ex split there was a lot of drama. He basically treated me like shit (I can give the whole story if anyone wants) and was incredibly selfish. A few weeks after we split he wanted to meet up so he could apologize for everything and how this time he really meant it. He went on to say that he wanted to try his best to make it up to me and he wanted to be friends. We hugged and left with him saying that we'd definitely talk more later.

    However, after considerable time had past (more than two weeks) he had not contacted me at all. I was upset because he made these promises to me and then just disappeared. I sent him a message telling him he was a jerk and that clearly he wasn't sincere when we last spoke.

    He replied rather defensively and acted as if he didn't understand why I was upset. We argued a bit and that was it. We haven't spoken at all since.

    I figured for a time that maybe he was just waiting for me to contact him back. But when you're the one who promised to make things up to someone, you're also supposed to be the one who follows up with the next move as well, right? Actually *acting* on what you said. Or am I missing something?

    What are your thoughts on this?

    If a guy treated you like shit, would you be his friend again if he just apologized and that was that or would he have to prove himself first?
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    Jun 18, 2010 8:59 PM GMT
    There is always some sort of proving ground that has to go down after a lot of shit. AND THEN you can get onto being friends, but obviously a 2 week period to cool off isn't really enough for him. So you might have possibly been wrong for calling him out when he just wasn't ready to be friends again. If it was a relationship to him too, that's hard as fuck to mend and it's not going to happen within a 2 week period where you two are hanging out and going to have drinks with each other.

    I have a feeling that what you both did are at fault with, and the fact of that matter is you could be friends, but it'll take a lot more than a couple to a few weeks. A casual check up like, "Hey!" is cool, but once you want to be like, "Come over and watch movies!" you're either putting yourself out there too much, or not understanding the friendship dynamic's after a relationship.


    All in all, my advice is...

    Cool it. Live YOUR life for a while and if he doesn't say anything for a really long time, check up here and there. If he doesn't ever again after that, let him go.
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    Jun 18, 2010 9:05 PM GMT
    ShinyToyTrev saidbut obviously a 2 week period to cool off isn't really enough for him. So you might have possibly been wrong for calling him out when he just wasn't ready to be friends again.


    I called him out because, at least in my point of view, he welched on his promise. If he wasn't ready to be friends and needed more time to cool off, then why apologize and then promise to make up for his mistakes (and by mistakes I mean not only cheating, but manipulation, lying and overall disrespect)? You don't make a promise like that and then go awol. It just doesn't make sense to me.
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    Jun 18, 2010 11:05 PM GMT
    It's hard to say exactly, but it was more his inclination that we break up. Our last talk before the apology was a huge fight where both of us were pretty much like "I can't deal with this fighting." But I was willing to try and talk things out and make things work, get him to understand that how he was treating me made me feel horrible, but he wasn't up for it.

    The situation though was a lot more complicated than that though. It would take me a while to explain.
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    Jun 19, 2010 12:51 AM GMT
    bobbyboy724 saidSo when me and my ex split there was a lot of drama. He basically treated me like shit (I can give the whole story if anyone wants) and was incredibly selfish. A few weeks after we split he wanted to meet up so he could apologize for everything and how this time he really meant it. He went on to say that he wanted to try his best to make it up to me and he wanted to be friends. We hugged and left with him saying that we'd definitely talk more later.

    However, after considerable time had past (more than two weeks) he had not contacted me at all. I was upset because he made these promises to me and then just disappeared. I sent him a message telling him he was a jerk and that clearly he wasn't sincere when we last spoke.

    He replied rather defensively and acted as if he didn't understand why I was upset. We argued a bit and that was it. We haven't spoken at all since.

    I figured for a time that maybe he was just waiting for me to contact him back. But when you're the one who promised to make things up to someone, you're also supposed to be the one who follows up with the next move as well, right? Actually *acting* on what you said. Or am I missing something?

    What are your thoughts on this?

    If a guy treated you like shit, would you be his friend again if he just apologized and that was that or would he have to prove himself first?



    Let me give you some sound advice and I hope you don't take it personally!? or maybe not because understandably so you may not assimilate an advice from someone who is generations apart? anyway if you were in an abusive relationship why in the world would you want more drama in your life after the break-up, much less be friends with someone who treated you like shit?


    Sweetie with all do respect the less drama you have in your life the more chances you bring into your social life to find someone more suitable for you. Learn to put your past where it belongs, in the past tense, and never forget to learn from their mistakes, but especially stay away from negative people.

    Leandro ♥
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jun 19, 2010 12:58 AM GMT
    Dude.... sounds like the wound is still fresh.....take a deep breath and walk away from this incident......I know you have heard this shit before...but it's so true.....time heals...your angry....sad... and maybe still in love with the ex......it needs to lie there awhile to dry out and settle.....Hang in there man.....BUD
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Jun 19, 2010 1:04 AM GMT
    Eh, if he treated you like shit, why do you still want him in your life?
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    Jun 19, 2010 2:20 AM GMT
    My ex treated me pretty badly after we broke up. It wasn't malicious or anything, but it was insensitive and up to disrespectful. I want nothing to do with the guy, I deserved better and won't hang around for anything else.

    I have no desire to have anything to do with him, and this is someone I was deeply in love with. I don't wish him ill, I just don't want him in my life.

    Think about it.
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    Jun 19, 2010 2:43 AM GMT
    jlly_rnchr saidEh, if he treated you like shit, why do you still want him in your life?


    Pretty much what I was thinking.
  • mtneerman

    Posts: 476

    Jun 19, 2010 2:52 AM GMT
    Spotlight saidI get it --Okays

    The two of you have been arguing much more lately (assuming prior to the breakup scare also), because your bf stopped putting effort in understanding the wrong things that we're said, and/or done to you.

    Honestly, I agree. I don't think an apology from him is enough for cheating on you. I'm sure he comforted you the last time you we're together, and when he promised to talk to you soon.

    Sometimes people cheat because they are already doubtful the relationship will work out before they tell you that he doesn't see himself with you anymore.

    It seems to me he is either hurt from the relationship, or confused, or will not commit. As for him not being around for you -- it is important for the both of you to talk everything through, and make amends for whatever you both we're hurt by in person. I've been though this before, and attempting to fix things on the phone won't calm things down.

    If you don't forgive him then don't, but act as if you do, and see if he changes his ways for a month. That way he'll be free to do his normal things, and if it hurts you again, then leave him for good. But the most important thing is to avoid bringing up the past (i.e. But u never apologized for calling me a whore), because he will get frustrated.

    Talk everything out, and make clear that what he did wrong can't happen again, and I'd suggest giving him a tiny gift that he doesn't have here and there. (i.e. Headphones, flip flops, or just a smiley kiss in a text message).


    i couldn't disagree more. he did you a favor, you owe him nothing, not your time or your understanding. move on and live well.
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    Jun 19, 2010 4:18 AM GMT
    For God's sake, can you move on? You are such a drama queen
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    Jun 19, 2010 4:40 AM GMT
    Time to move on. Life is way too short for all this.
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    Jun 19, 2010 4:47 AM GMT
    No offense, dude, but it sounds like you totally jumped the gun on this and kinda went a bit "lady" by demanding a response from your ex and calling him a jerk.

    Your first mistake was expecting and demanding. Granted your ex said he would make it up to you and try to work things out as a friend. With that being said he didn't give you a time limit and you shouldn't have expected one. That's your bad.

    He apologized for his his actions. That should be enough since nothing is ever gonna happen between you guys (unless I'm wrong). You should've just accepted his apology gracefully and moved on but instead you stayed waiting for something more. Again that would be your bad. Maybe your ex's way of being a friend was ending things on civil terms with a simple apology and a hug. Did you ever consider that? Was the break up really that bad for you want more from him?

    You're making way more out this then it should be and giving yourself an ulcer because you wanted more then what needed to be given. By contacting him and calling him a jerk you've just destroyed any possibility of being friends by attacking him like you did for not contacting you in a little over 2 weeks. I'd be on the defensive to if you came at me all crazy and I'm willing to bet he wants nothing to do with you now (friend or otherwise) because of your little act which makes you seem needy...a chick characteristic.

    In a situation like this you really should've just "manned up", had a beer, given a nod and went about your merry way.

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    Jun 19, 2010 4:48 AM GMT
    Remember this in life: If each time you walk away from someone you feel less about yourself, then they aren't the type of person you want to be around.
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    Jun 19, 2010 5:14 AM GMT
    Thanks guys for the replies.

    But still I think a lot of you missed the point of this thread. I never said I definitely wanted him to be my friend again and I am currently in the process of moving on but I feel getting some closure is necessary to do that, and I can't get that from him, so getting opinions here seems like the next best thing. I'm just trying to understand his actions and why someone would make a promise like that and then do nothing about it.



    I mean, reverse the situation. Imagine that you yourself really hurt someone badly and promised you would try and make it up to them. I think your next move would be to follow up in a couple days for another talk, try to sort out what happened, etc or do something. You wouldn't just leave the person hanging. If you did that, would you still expect the other person to take your apology seriously? Would you really wait several weeks if you were serious? I wouldn't. I would have followed up with a long chat, done something nice, tried to check in or something.

    If he didn't want to be friends and just be civil, then an apology would have just been fine. But if he was serious about the friendship, that needed a lot of work on his part if he wanted me to start trusting him again (and I'm not talking about cheating, that was more easily forgivable. I'm talking about a lot of other stuff). A few weeks (in my op I said 2 + weeks, but it was more like 3-4) is quite a long time. How long did he expect to wait, months? By that time it would be too late and we'd have both moved on. And if that's what he wanted, for us to both go our separate ways, then there was no need to make a big spiel like he did.

    And just in general, is an apology normally enough for any of you to accept someone as a friend again, or do you normally expect them to put a real effort into making up for their mistakes?


    To reiterate, I'm just looking for answers. I'm not necessarily out to get back with my ex nor be friends with him. Just posting on here is quite therapeutic, so I feel its helping me move on, not hinder it.


    And for the record, I don't want to get back together with my ex, I'm simply looking for some answers to maybe get a bit more closer, and if that makes me a "wimp", "woman" or whatever some of you wish to call me, then so be it.
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    Jun 19, 2010 5:52 AM GMT
    You're still hung up on this guy. But he's not into you. Move on and forget it.
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    Jun 19, 2010 5:53 AM GMT
    Most of us aren't ready for the maturity a relationship demands of us. How we end one says so much about our character, much more than how we start one.

    It sounds like he had a half-conscience attempt at apologizing, but when it was split, he didn't have the emotional investment to see it through. It sounds like you expected the apology and wanted more, but chances are that more wouldn't have been enough.

    For the same reasons the relationship ended, the end was un-fulfilling. Based on the past, this is consistent.

    Don't let experiences like this make you cynical in the future. Too many of us tell ourselves the lesson is not to trust people or that men are generally a-holes without the ability to communicate. This is not at all true and there are good men out there, so don't wall yourself off with jaded cynicism.

    Chalk this one up to experience and save any additional strength. It's over and all the better for it.

    Good luck!

    "Experience is the one thing you can't get for nothing." - Oscar Wilde
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    Jun 19, 2010 8:54 AM GMT
    bobbyboy724 said

    I mean, reverse the situation. Imagine that you yourself really hurt someone badly and promised you would try and make it up to them. I think your next move would be to follow up in a couple days for another talk, try to sort out what happened, etc or do something. You wouldn't just leave the person hanging. If you did that, would you still expect the other person to take your apology seriously? Would you really wait several weeks if you were serious? I wouldn't. I would have followed up with a long chat, done something nice, tried to check in or something.

    If he didn't want to be friends and just be civil, then an apology would have just been fine. But if he was serious about the friendship, that needed a lot of work on his part if he wanted me to start trusting him again (and I'm not talking about cheating, that was more easily forgivable. I'm talking about a lot of other stuff). A few weeks (in my op I said 2 + weeks, but it was more like 3-4) is quite a long time. How long did he expect to wait, months? By that time it would be too late and we'd have both moved on. And if that's what he wanted, for us to both go our separate ways, then there was no need to make a big spiel like he did.


    I definitely understand where you're coming from, because I was in your exes shoes about a year ago. Basically, I treated my ex like crap (cheated, lied, blah, blah, blah). I definitely regret everything, because I was just scared and confused at that point in my life. Regardless, we broke up and it ended horribly. We talked randomly via text, and we had two phone conversations that ended in yelling and crying. I attempted to apologize, and then we basically decided we needed to be completely apart. We didn't talk for four months. And then one day I text him to see how he was doing, and ever since we have been really good friends. (awkwardly enough I treat him better now, than I did when we were together).

    So to sum that all up, and relate it back to you... remember that he was a part of the relationship too, and regardless of what he did, there will always be a part of him that loves you. By apologizing, he was making a step, and even if the next step came months later, he needed the time to pull himself together, because a break up is hard on both people.
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    Jun 19, 2010 10:44 AM GMT
    XanderD said
    bobbyboy724 said

    I mean, reverse the situation. Imagine that you yourself really hurt someone badly and promised you would try and make it up to them. I think your next move would be to follow up in a couple days for another talk, try to sort out what happened, etc or do something. You wouldn't just leave the person hanging. If you did that, would you still expect the other person to take your apology seriously? Would you really wait several weeks if you were serious? I wouldn't. I would have followed up with a long chat, done something nice, tried to check in or something.

    If he didn't want to be friends and just be civil, then an apology would have just been fine. But if he was serious about the friendship, that needed a lot of work on his part if he wanted me to start trusting him again (and I'm not talking about cheating, that was more easily forgivable. I'm talking about a lot of other stuff). A few weeks (in my op I said 2 + weeks, but it was more like 3-4) is quite a long time. How long did he expect to wait, months? By that time it would be too late and we'd have both moved on. And if that's what he wanted, for us to both go our separate ways, then there was no need to make a big spiel like he did.


    I definitely understand where you're coming from, because I was in your exes shoes about a year ago. Basically, I treated my ex like crap (cheated, lied, blah, blah, blah). I definitely regret everything, because I was just scared and confused at that point in my life. Regardless, we broke up and it ended horribly. We talked randomly via text, and we had two phone conversations that ended in yelling and crying. I attempted to apologize, and then we basically decided we needed to be completely apart. We didn't talk for four months. And then one day I text him to see how he was doing, and ever since we have been really good friends. (awkwardly enough I treat him better now, than I did when we were together).

    So to sum that all up, and relate it back to you... remember that he was a part of the relationship too, and regardless of what he did, there will always be a part of him that loves you. By apologizing, he was making a step, and even if the next step came months later, he needed the time to pull himself together, because a break up is hard on both people.



    Yeah but even if you succeed in putting any negative feelings behind you with an ex, no matter how much you try to patch things up, even if you ultimately finish in good terms or become good friends after the break-up!? the feelings towards that person will never feel the same.

    When my ex and I split apart it was his decision even thou I was the one who should have ended the relationship in the first place, but since the guy was a total basket case as he was dealing with a lot of emotional issues ( and from what I hear he still is) I was glad he ended it and not me.

    Anyways even thou when things break up a lot of times it can be repaired, but when it comes to human emotions even if one tries to repair them, often times even if the scars heals, they will always be there to remind us when indifference or frictions in the relationship may cause them to bleed again.


    Leandro ♥
  • Hokenshi

    Posts: 387

    Jun 19, 2010 11:59 AM GMT
    shyshortguy saidMost of us aren't ready for the maturity a relationship demands of us. How we end one says so much about our character, much more than how we start one.


    Totally agree.

    You don't say how long you guys were together so my thoughts might be a bit off base but...

    If you were together a long time and were in love then weeks or even months apart would have been best; people need time to move on from a relationship. If you want to be friends then the fact your were boyrfriends needs to be left in the past, waaaay in the past, and only time can make that happen. Whenever I've broken up with someone or been dump there is too much emotion involved at first for friendship to stand any chance.

    I was with a guy for only a short time, maybe 3 months, but he treated me like crap, even to the point where he got physically abusive, twice. The second time he did it I got up in the morning, grabbed my stuff, walked out of his apartment and his life.
    About 2 years later I'm in a bar and he comes over to me to apologize, turns out that by walking away from him and not wanting anything to do with him it really opened his eyes to just how bad he'd been. I accepted his apology and we're now "friends" on FB. We're not good friends but if I saw him tomorrow I could go over and chat to him, maybe get a coffee, there is no drama because of time has healed the wounds.

    I'm hopeful that I will be able to say the same thing about the last guy I dated in a year or two.


    On the other hand if you didn't date long or don't really care I'd agree with most of what the other guys said, just cut ties and be done with it. Unfortunately most of us don't get the closure we "want" so we have to get the closure we "need" from ourselves.
  • Hokenshi

    Posts: 387

    Jun 19, 2010 12:03 PM GMT
    You're fine in wanting to know where you stand and things are/were emotionally raw etc. Not being emotionally stunted does not make you a "chick", it's just a matter of being paitent...if that's what you want.

    That other poster sounds like he's "trying" to be a "dude".
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    Jun 19, 2010 12:13 PM GMT
    If you did not set a date/time for your next encounter then you are really at fault. each of you had different expectations as to how long to wait between conversations. it's clear you're wounded as your reaction after no contact for 2 weeks should have been 'lets catch up for coffee!' if you really wanted to be friends