Ex-boyfriend problems

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 21, 2010 1:17 PM GMT
    So me and my boyfriend broke up almost three months ago after being together for almost three years. It was a great relationship it really was. His family loved me, my family loved him. We had three dogs together and he even gave me a ring awhile ago. During the past few months towards the end of the relationship things just started falling apart, we were growing apart and nothing seemed to be the same. We talked and talked and really just couldn't work things out, and decided to part.

    I really do love this guy, and I know he loves me, but he has changed so much in the past few months and he's not the same person I fell in love with three years ago. I'm not really sure what to do because he still talks to my sisters, other family, and friends. I just can't get over him, if he is constently back in and out of my life; Advice?
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    Jun 21, 2010 1:25 PM GMT
    You both gotta do what you really want.... staying together has its bad sides and good sides.... so does breaking up.... gotta take some of the bad with the good always... so make a decision and stick to it...
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    Jun 21, 2010 1:33 PM GMT
    You can't "grow apart" in just a few months.

    Maybe there was some other temporary problem going on in the life of one of you that could be resolvable. Some people are too quick to break up.
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    Jun 21, 2010 1:49 PM GMT
    well... now keep in mind im probably not the best person for this kind of advice, but i think ur best bet is to really access yourself first. It sounds like ur not sure that u want the 2 of you not together. If hes not what u want anymore, hes changed and wont be. (especially at our ages) people are changing alot and developing into who we are. Now if who hes becoming is someone you dont want to be with, even though its hard, you gotta move on. its impossible to "wipe someone out" of ur life especially with that long of a relationship and your familys relationship.
    But Amar_M is right. whatever u decide you need to hold true to it. if hes not right for u anymore, u cant keep letting urself have a pseudo relationship with him. You'll never be able to get over him that way (as easy and convenient as that would be)
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    Jun 21, 2010 1:52 PM GMT
    He's not what you want anymore? If so, what are you trying to get over?

    lol, confused by this -Doug
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    Jun 21, 2010 1:55 PM GMT
    Simple tell your family to stop talking to him you are no longer a couple there is no need for them to talk to him there is nothing binding you two other than a past! It's not like there is a gentic link eh like children. He needs to stop calling your family and you need to tell him to stop calling them as well.

    Here's the other thing people change and sometimes the evolve for the better or the worse depending on how you feel about the changes. Apparently you could't live with his rapid evolution. Just maybe perhaps you weren't changing enough to keep up him ever thought of that?

    None the less make surgerical strikes when it comes to brake-ups!
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jun 21, 2010 1:57 PM GMT
    viveutvivas saidYou can't "grow apart" in just a few months.

    Maybe there was some other temporary problem going on in the life of one of you that could be resolvable. Some people are too quick to break up.



    Hmmm.....I was with someone for seven years and in the last few months he started to become a different person....Like I didn't even know him anymore, and I didn't like the pretentious freak he was turning into. Maybe drugs had something to do with it because our breakup started happening a few months after he started to hang around with a guy that did drugs.....who knows.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jun 21, 2010 2:02 PM GMT
    meninlove said He's not what you want anymore? If so, what are you trying to get over?

    lol, confused by this -Doug



    Well, I think I understand it a little bit. You don't really think the person that he has become is right for you anymore, but you miss the person he used to be, and there is a lot of grieving to take place. But if he is still in your life because of family and friends it's hard to grieve. You also almost feel like there was a betrayal because he has changed so much and not the person he used to be and fell in love with.

    I'm sure there is more to the story that the OP hasn't shared though.
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    Jun 21, 2010 2:05 PM GMT
    Celticmusl said
    meninlove said He's not what you want anymore? If so, what are you trying to get over?

    lol, confused by this -Doug



    Well, I think I understand it a little bit. You don't really think the person that he has become is right for you anymore, but you miss the person he used to be, and there is a lot of grieving to take place. But if he is still in your life because of family and friends it's hard to grieve. You also almost feel like there was a betrayal because he has changed so much and not the person he used to be and fell in love with.



    Exactly
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    Jun 21, 2010 2:07 PM GMT
    Celticmusl said
    meninlove said He's not what you want anymore? If so, what are you trying to get over?

    lol, confused by this -Doug



    Well, I think I understand it a little bit. You don't really think the person that he has become is right for you anymore, but you miss the person he used to be, and there is a lot of grieving to take place. But if he is still in your life because of family and friends it's hard to grieve. You also almost feel like there was a betrayal because he has changed so much and not the person he used to be and fell in love with.

    I'm sure there is more to the story that the OP hasn't shared though.


    Yes, me too. There are some interesting vacant areas. I understand what you mean. It's not what you signed up for. It all hinges on what the changes are. Both Bill and I have changed considerably over the last 21 years, though gradually, and if anything it's made life together all the more interesting.

    So, lovejocks006, what kind of changes?
  • imbrad

    Posts: 377

    Jun 21, 2010 2:35 PM GMT
    closure is a tricky thing... i still think of my ex that left over a year ago... he was such a big part of my life and there are things that make sense for him to be there with me but he's not anymore. I've found that i really have to make and effort to focus on myself. be a little selfish. After getting used to making someone else a part of your plans you have to relearn how to be single. make your own routines and do something fun for yourself.

    as far as the family goes it would be ideal if you can be friends and all that especially with those strong family connections. but if you are truly uncomfortable with it just tell them you need some time and distance and if he was "less in the picture" it would help. Honesty with him, them and yourself is key.

    then come to colorado ;)
  • SFNavigator

    Posts: 62

    Jun 21, 2010 2:37 PM GMT
    WTF? He's changed? What did you expect? From our everyday experiences and exposures we change, we grow, we evolve. Why didn't you change along with him? One guarantee in life is change, and you either follow the flow, or get left behind.
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    Jun 21, 2010 2:40 PM GMT
    In any LTR, each partner is quite likely to experience significant changes in habits, jobs, personality, health, location. They are not always for the better. Such events can sometimes cause a challenge for the two of you to stay together and learn to accept those changes as part of the person you or he once were and a part of your continuing relationship. The dilemma is choosing between the person in spite of the changes or deciding the changes are so severe that you can't tolerate them. There's always some second guessing, regardless of the answer you select.
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    Jun 21, 2010 2:43 PM GMT
    my last ex and I broke up about 3.5 years ago. I've been with my current (and hopefully last one ever!) for almost 2 years now.

    My ex and I had a rough breakup. He was selfish and used me a lot. I finally broke it off and killed all communication. About a year ago his best friend died, this friend was our roommate when we all lived together. It was sad and I somewhat befriended him again. We became friends on facebook. I just recently deleted him again. He was posting old pictures of me on his page and making comments to personal things between us from when we dated. Completly disrespectful to me and my new boyfriend.

    Some dudes need to learn.

    You are probably better off if he is showing big signs of change. Maybe he wasn't being his true self when you were together. Look for the positives!
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jun 21, 2010 3:41 PM GMT
    SFNavigator saidWTF? He's changed? What did you expect? From our everyday experiences and exposures we change, we grow, we evolve. Why didn't you change along with him? One guarantee in life is change, and you either follow the flow, or get left behind.


    It is very ignorant to believe that just because there is "change" in someone that it is always for the better or that it is some sort of evolution. My ex changed in the most hideous ways I could possibly imagine. He became extremely shallow, pretentious, and whorish. He also started wearing a wig which, to me, exemplified how fake he started becoming. The wig was a huge turn off to me sexually. Pretty much any commitment we had to each other he broke in one way or another within a period of two or three months.

    You are also assuming the ex wants the OP to continue the relationship or that he gives a flying frick about the OP anymore.

    I would bump into my ex once in awhile after the breakup and it was if he was a complete stranger that just had similarities to my ex. The type of person he has "evolved" into literally sickens and repulses me.




    KEANE:

    "We Might As Well Be Strangers"

    I don't know your face no more
    Or feel your touch that I adore
    I don't know your face no more
    It's just a place I'm looking for
    We might as well be strangers in another town
    We might as well be living in a different world
    We might as well
    We might as well
    We might as well

    I don't know your thoughts these days
    We're strangers in an empty space
    I don't understand your heart
    It's easier to be apart

    We might as well be strangers in another town
    We might as well be living in a another time
    We might as well
    We might as well
    We might as well be strangers
    Be strangers
    For all I know of you now
    For all I know of you now
    For all I know of you now
    For all I know
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jun 21, 2010 4:16 PM GMT
    if you can't get over him because you're having trouble with him being in contact with your family and friends then that's an issue to be solved on your part. even if your family and friends stopped talking to him, it wouldn't address the issue that's there: you're not comfortable with him yet. thinking that him staying awar from mutual acquaintances would solve the problem is like putting a band-aid over a broken bone. you're going to need to find closure in yourself: it sounds from your post that you're mourning the loss of the idea of love rather than your ex (notice how you prefaced your love by actions as opposed to the person, as if the act of getting a ring is true love). seeing him or hearing about him seems only to mar the fact that your idea of love didn't pan out.

    i have to say this is natural, especially if you're young and this was your first serious relationship. love is often more complex, ugly, and not as romantic as we want it to be. it seems you need to reassess your ideas of a partner and what love is to you. once you're able to deal with that issue you'll stop being in love with the idea of what your ex could have been and you'll be able to move on.
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    Jun 21, 2010 4:50 PM GMT
    Thank god I'm not with any of you guys. Any personal crisis lasting more than a month and I'd be kicked out the back door... It is a symptom of the instant gratification society of today.

    Nobody is perfect all the time. People go through crises during which they might act differently and sometimes need some understanding and support. With some of you guys, all someone like that can expect is condemnation.

  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jun 21, 2010 4:57 PM GMT
    viveutvivas saidThank god I'm not with any of you guys. Any personal crisis lasting more than a month and I'd be kicked out the back door... It is a symptom of the instant gratification society of today.

    Nobody is perfect all the time. People go through crises during which they might act differently and sometimes need some understanding and support. With some of you guys, all someone like that can expect is condemnation.



    Well with my ex it was the constant infidelity and betrayal that was not acceptable. He was not apologetic or concerned about my feelings in the slightest and actually called me "weak" because I was taking the break up so hard.

    But I'm sure your input is valid in some situations.
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    Jun 21, 2010 5:07 PM GMT
    Celticmusl said

    Well with my ex it was the constant infidelity and betrayal that was not acceptable. He was not apologetic or concerned about my feelings in the slightest ...


    Well okay, that's a good reason. But you created the impression that it was because of the wig, which would not have been a good reason.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jun 21, 2010 5:25 PM GMT
    viveutvivas said
    Celticmusl said

    Well with my ex it was the constant infidelity and betrayal that was not acceptable. He was not apologetic or concerned about my feelings in the slightest ...


    Well okay, that's a good reason. But you created the impression that it was because of the wig, which would not have been a good reason.



    I also don't want to imply that wearing a hair piece is a bad thing, and before I shaved my head I considered one too. But for me the wig became a physical representation of how he was no longer the guy I used to know. I'm sure no one else had a problem with it or cared one way or the other.

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    Jun 21, 2010 6:19 PM GMT
    viveutvivas saidThank god I'm not with any of you guys. Any personal crisis lasting more than a month and I'd be kicked out the back door... It is a symptom of the instant gratification society of today.

    Don't forget about the fairytale syndrome. The belief that "the one" is out there somewhere just waiting to make everything better. icon_wink.gif
  • Mazdaman_24

    Posts: 14

    Jun 21, 2010 6:50 PM GMT
    lovejocks006 saidSo me and my boyfriend broke up almost three months ago after being together for almost three years. It was a great relationship it really was. His family loved me, my family loved him. We had three dogs together and he even gave me a ring awhile ago. During the past few months towards the end of the relationship things just started falling apart, we were growing apart and nothing seemed to be the same. We talked and talked and really just couldn't work things out, and decided to part.

    I really do love this guy, and I know he loves me, but he has changed so much in the past few months and he's not the same person I fell in love with three years ago. I'm not really sure what to do because he still talks to my sisters, other family, and friends. I just can't get over him, if he is constently back in and out of my life; Advice?


    If you really love him and he loves you, why break up? People change over time, but as long as its not an insurmountable difference its hard to find a relationship like that.
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    Jun 21, 2010 7:08 PM GMT
    Follow your heart.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jun 21, 2010 9:29 PM GMT
    lovejocks006 saidSo me and my boyfriend broke up almost three months ago after being together for almost three years. It was a great relationship it really was. His family loved me, my family loved him. We had three dogs together and he even gave me a ring awhile ago. During the past few months towards the end of the relationship things just started falling apart, we were growing apart and nothing seemed to be the same. We talked and talked and really just couldn't work things out, and decided to part.

    I really do love this guy, and I know he loves me, but he has changed so much in the past few months and he's not the same person I fell in love with three years ago. I'm not really sure what to do because he still talks to my sisters, other family, and friends. I just can't get over him, if he is constently back in and out of my life; Advice?


    Dude...my advice....resolve yourself to the fact it's over...sure he talks to your family members....he was with ya for 3 years.... he has ties to them......your hopin for the past...this is the present......Good luck....BUD
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    Jun 21, 2010 9:36 PM GMT
    unfounded7Don't forget about the fairytale syndrome. The belief that "the one" is out there somewhere just waiting to make everything better. icon_wink.gif


    Wow, there's not many of us left out there.