Monogamous Relationship/Marriage and etc a thing of the past?

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    Jun 21, 2010 10:42 PM GMT
    I find it ironic sometimes that Gay people in general are fighting for Marriage rights and etc sometimes considering the divorce rate is so high and the number of monogamous relationships seem to dwindle all the time.

    I know its not just about marriage, but about equality and Im all for "us" as gay people having the option to get married if we chose to. I think we should have that option just like any other 2 people that want a monogamous committed relationship. And I know sometimes being married doesn't always mean monogamous. There are plenty of heterosexual married couples that are swingers and etc.

    Sometimes though I do get discouraged and am perplexed when looking through profiles on various sites at the "relationship status" of couples. It seems that the monogamous category seems to get smaller and the other categories such as "its complicated" or "open relationship" seem to be on the rise.

    On FB you see alot of "its complicated" and etc. And on another site I was on it seems there was alot of this particular category as well. What does that mean exactly? "its complicated" I know it must depend on the circumstances they are going through at the time.

    It just seems that with heterosexual marriage being so "sacred" as they call it, is ending as fast as one begins concerning the divorce rate. We are fighting for marriage equality and fighting for something that alot of us aren't maintaining a "monogamous relationship" now so why get married and have to go thru all the legal hoopla?

    This isn't a gay marriage thread but it does play a part I guess. It just seems to me that the whole situation of relationships whether they be gay or straight and the ideal of a monogamous, one on one, relationship is slowly becoming a thing of the past, or they don't last near as long as they used to.

    Why do you think that is and if I am wrong I am sure some of you will not hesitate to explain why. lmao!!
  • calibro

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    Jun 22, 2010 12:14 AM GMT
    and i think that's a great thing. monogamy is fine if that's what two people decide to have, but all too often it's the result of a social expectation. there's nothing intrinsic about having to be monogamous and i wish people would decide for themselves if that's what they want in a relationship rather than that be dictated by common practice.
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    Jun 22, 2010 12:34 AM GMT
    Monogamy is great if both people agree with it. But I don't think divorce should have any stigma attached to it.

    I wish my parents would get divorced--it is clearly evident that they have fallen out of love. Yet they will never get divorced.

    People are living much longer. Life is always changing. I think monogamy and/or life-long marriages--for some couples--are inconceivable! (just finished watching the Princess Bride lol)

    Humans are one of the only species where life-long commitment is desired (at least to my knowledge). Perhaps we are deceiving ourselves. Perhaps life-long commitment is irrational (btw: how do we know that relationships hundreds of years ago were mainly monogamous? I think it’s probably much harder now to hide cheating habits than it was 'in the past.')
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    Jun 22, 2010 1:56 AM GMT
    well each to his own, but for me and my bf, its old-fashioned monogomy and commitment. sure we have our ups and downs, but the stability and partnership mean a lot. plus we're both pretty hot for each other so there's that...icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 22, 2010 2:14 AM GMT
    evilgemini saidwell each to his own, but for me and my bf, its old-fashioned monogomy and commitment. sure we have our ups and downs, but the stability and partnership mean a lot. plus we're both pretty hot for each other so there's that...icon_wink.gif


    Amen...and the same for any other couple gay or st8 on how they define their marriage/relationship....it all boils down to what the couple wants. No on knows what two people agree on in their relationship.
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    Jun 22, 2010 7:00 PM GMT
    The social stigma that was once attached to divorce had one benefit: couples were more likely to work through their difficulties. I was just starting school when my parents came close. Because neither wanted to divorce, they worked through it and now are deeply in love.

    Relationships are work, and too many people forget that. I see the increase in divorce as the result of couples unwilling to put the work into maintaining their relationship.
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    Jun 23, 2010 4:40 AM GMT
    As sadly as it sounds monogamy is dwindling from every direction; it isn't just strictly a gay thing anymore! however it is important to point out that monogamy isn't exclusively associated with marriage whether it is between a heterosexual or homosexual couple. But I have to shamefully admit that monogamous heterosexual couples, married or not, tend to work harder at working differences out and being committed to a relationships then gay couples have ever done and probably ever will. The high rate of infidelity, cheating, open relationships, and just plain screwing around that is so predominant and even accepted by the majority in the gay community, I am beginning to wonder and doubt much if it is worth fighting for gay marriages since we can't even commit to a monogamous relationship with our lovers? an old timer co-worker who was married for 60 years use to tell me all the time that marriage nowadays is no longer perceived as a union of love but a union of self-interests, and you know what I think she was 100% right, sadly.



    Leandro ♥
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    Jun 23, 2010 4:54 AM GMT
    Considering I will be nothing but monogomous, I hope this isn't a thing of the past! If I am with someone, they get all my love. That doesn't mean I don't still have temptations and notice other people, but if it isn't my man I don't want it... it's respect and the way relationships should be.
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    Jun 23, 2010 5:13 AM GMT

    I have to say that from what I have seen on all of the same sites, in the media, and even with people around me I understand the frustration. Just in general, gay or str8, I hate the fact that it seems that cheating and having multiple partners while in a relationship and even worse while you are married is becoming almost socially acceptable. I really hope that this trend ends, for now all anyone who is interested in monogamy can do is be carful about who you chose to date.

    Signed the Hopeless Romantic lol.
  • BlackBeltGuy

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    Jun 23, 2010 2:51 PM GMT
    MONOGAMY WORKS. you just have to agree to make it work.
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    Jun 23, 2010 3:13 PM GMT
    ALEZANDAR saidAs sadly as it sounds monogamy is dwindling from every direction; it isn't just strictly a gay thing anymore! however it is important to point out that monogamy isn't exclusively associated with marriage whether it is between a heterosexual or homosexual couple. But I have to shamefully admit that monogamous heterosexual couples, married or not, tend to work harder at working differences out and being committed to a relationships then gay couples have ever done and probably ever will. The high rate of infidelity, cheating, open relationships, and just plain screwing around that is so predominant and even accepted by the majority in the gay community, I am beginning to wonder and doubt much if it is worth fighting for gay marriages since we can't even commit to a monogamous relationship with our lovers? an old timer co-worker who was married for 60 years use to tell me all the time that marriage nowadays is no longer perceived as a union of love but a union of self-interests, and you know what I think she was 100% right, sadly. Leandro ♥


    I am curious how you came to the conclusion that straight couples work harder on their relationships than gay people. Of course, there's the impetus of having children and following the laws regulating marriage (adultery used to be literally illegal), so that seems logical. But 50 percent of marriages end in divorce and most surveys of sexual behavior find a high incidence of cheating among both genders, last I looked.

    One thing I can agree: Straight people do not tend to have explicitly open relationships and infidelity is a principal reason for divorce, suggesting to me that they aren't so willing to openly discuss their independent sexual behavior.

  • GLBeck

    Posts: 28

    Jun 23, 2010 3:20 PM GMT
    Karate1974 saidMONOGAMY WORKS. you just have to agree to make it work.


    This is very true. Relationships do take a lot of work and open communication. I think if couples agree to an open relationship that can work. I also think that monogamy works as well. My man and I will be celebrating 15 years in November.
  • mtneerman

    Posts: 476

    Jun 23, 2010 4:05 PM GMT
    i don't think the feelings about monogamy is any different between gay and straight men. i think the difference is that gay men are more open to their partners having sex with other people then straight guys are. as for me, i have been monogamous in every relationship i have been in, and plan on staying that way.
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    Jun 23, 2010 4:38 PM GMT
    Wan2GetBigR said
    ALEZANDAR said But I have to shamefully admit that monogamous heterosexual couples, married or not, tend to work harder at working differences out and being committed to a relationships then gay couples have ever done and probably ever will. The high rate of infidelity, cheating, open relationships, and just plain screwing around that is so predominant and even accepted by the majority in the gay community, I am beginning to wonder and doubt much if it is worth fighting for gay marriages since we can't even commit to a monogamous relationship with our lovers?


    That's exactly what I'd like to know. Why are all those things more acceptable? And you say it's the majority. How do you know that? We see it on the internet, but not all couples are on the net. I wonder if any studies have been done. And what about lesbian couples? Are they the same way?



    Let us not forget - we are not fighting for gay marriage. We are fighting for the RIGHT of gay couples to marry. Those are different things. Just because I don't wish to get married does not mean that I and everybody else deserves the same rights as heterosexual couples. And THAT is what is worth fighting for, no matter what your current relationship status is.

    For the same reason, just because you want a monogamous relationship does not mean that other couples do not have a right to be open without people passing judgments which, for me, puts them in the same category as marriage-equality opponents.

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    Jun 23, 2010 7:06 PM GMT
    Wan2GetBigR said
    DjDorchester saidLet us not forget - we are not fighting for gay marriage. We are fighting for the RIGHT of gay couples to marry. Those are different things. Just because I don't wish to get married does not mean that I and everybody else deserves the same rights as heterosexual couples. And THAT is what is worth fighting for, no matter what your current relationship status is.

    For the same reason, just because you want a monogamous relationship does not mean that other couples do not have a right to be open without people passing judgments which, for me, puts them in the same category as marriage-equality opponents.


    Couples have the right to do whatever they want in their relationship, but when they tell others about their open relationship, it doesn't mean I or anyone else has to agree with them or respect them. And they don't need my respect or anyone else's, anyway. You live in MA and have chosen not to get married. In my opinion, that's a good choice because if you did marry it would be a mockery of the privilege you've been given as a resident of this state. And I would say the same thing to a hetero living the same lifestyle, although marriage is a given for them and available in every state. I consider an open relationship less a relationship and more of a "friends with benefits" situation. But that's just my opinion.



    Your lack of respect for other people's relationship choices makes you a mockery of decency, and a judgmental prick. But that's just my opinion. You support marriage equality? Bullshit... if you support it ON THE CONDITION that you must approve of the type of relationship, then you are just as bad as those who oppose marriage equality. Perhaps worse... at least they aren't hypocritical. I am embarrassed for you.

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    Jun 23, 2010 7:24 PM GMT
    Wan2GetBigR said
    DjDorchester saidYour lack of respect for other people's relationship choices makes you a mockery of decency, and a judgmental prick. But that's just my opinion.



    Call me whatever you want. I don't have to respect anyone's lifestyle choices. You use the word decency. If I asked 100 people I know which is more decent a monogamous relationship or an open relationship, I bet most would say monogamous. If you asked 100 people you know the same question, they'd probably say the opposite. There you go!



    You're a tool.

    I noticed you only quoted half of my comment, because you have no explanation for your hypocrisy I pointed out in the second half of my comment. Which makes you a dolt, too.

  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jun 23, 2010 7:30 PM GMT
    I think there is a whole host of reasons why relationships don't seem to last. Culture has changed. A few generations ago, divorce was taboo. You'd be ostracized. Especially given religion. But then World War II happened and women got a taste of equality and then the sexual revolution happened and women gained more freedoms. Women were no longer property and were equal partners and women -- and men -- didn't have to stay in loveless marriages any more.

    When applied to the gay community, specifically men, whose biology is generally not geared to monogamy, and whose long-term relationships have been devalued or unrecognized by mainstream culture, it's easier for them to live the lives expected of them.

    And I'll just acknowledge how technology, e.g. the internet and social networking sites specifically, have made it much easier to satisfy immediate urges than long-term commitment.

    But these are generalities, not absolutes. There are still plenty of straight and gay people who want to live in long-term committed relationships. Even if monogamy continues to decline, that shouldn't mean marriage for gays or straights shouldn't be allowed to continue. Just because there's a chance of failure doesn't mean it shouldn't be given a try.
  • cmom19

    Posts: 33

    Jun 23, 2010 7:33 PM GMT
    I'm resurrecting it if it is a thing of the past. Among other reasons, I guess that I simply have no desire to go out and find someone else when I'm with a guy I really like.
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    Jun 23, 2010 7:38 PM GMT
    Wan2GetBigR said
    DjDorchester saidLet us not forget - we are not fighting for gay marriage. We are fighting for the RIGHT of gay couples to marry. Those are different things. Just because I don't wish to get married does not mean that I and everybody else deserves the same rights as heterosexual couples. And THAT is what is worth fighting for, no matter what your current relationship status is.

    For the same reason, just because you want a monogamous relationship does not mean that other couples do not have a right to be open without people passing judgments which, for me, puts them in the same category as marriage-equality opponents.


    Couples have the right to do whatever they want in their relationship, but when they tell others about their open relationship, it doesn't mean I or anyone else has to agree with them or respect them. And they don't need my respect or anyone else's, anyway. You live in MA and have chosen not to get married. In my opinion, that's a good choice because if you did marry it would be a mockery of the privilege you've been given as a resident of this state. And I would say the same thing to a hetero living the same lifestyle, although marriage is a given for them and available in every state. I consider an open relationship less a relationship and more of a "friends with benefits" situation. But that's just my opinion.


    Basically what you are saying here sounds to me exactly like what the gay marriage opponents say.... My definition of marriage is the only one that is valid and if you don't conform to it, then you can't get married and that is very narrow minded and judgmental of you.
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    Jun 23, 2010 7:40 PM GMT
    opps, sorry didn't see that DJ had already addressed this, but ill still stand behind it.
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    Jun 23, 2010 8:02 PM GMT
    Wan2GetBigR said
    DjDorchester said

    You're a tool.

    I noticed you only quoted half of my comment, because you have no explanation for your hypocrisy I pointed out in the second half of my comment. Which makes you a dolt, too.



    I didn't know there was a rule stating I had to respond to all of your lame comments. The rest of what you wrote:

    DjDorchester said
    You support marriage equality? Bullshit... if you support it ON THE CONDITION that you must approve of the type of relationship, then you are just as bad as those who oppose marriage equality. Perhaps worse... at least they aren't hypocritical. I am embarrassed for you.



    I never said I must approve of the type of relationship. Those are your words. I'm not a hypocrit and I'm not embarrassed at all. You're very defensive, so maybe it's you that's embarrassed of your lifestyle choices and I'm the only person who ever challenged you on it.



    Defensive not of my relationship, but of my right to chose whatever kind of relationship I want to have. And when you say "you have the right..." but follow it up by saying that it is less "decent" than your type of relationship, and cheapens marriage (paraphrasing), then you are lessening the "right" that you supposedly grant. Because a right isn't entirely about being allowed, but it's also about being allowed without prejudice and intolerance. You may not be embarrassed by your intolerance, but you should be. Get off your moral high horse, dolt. I've dealt with plenty of intolerant fucknuts like you to know exactly how low your moral high horse really is.

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    Jun 23, 2010 8:31 PM GMT
    I'm still waiting to hear about a gay divorce. So far I haven't heard about one. That's a much better track record than straight married couples.
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    Jun 23, 2010 8:44 PM GMT
    Wan2GetBigR said
    DjDorchester saidDefensive not of my relationship, but of my right to chose whatever kind of relationship I want to have. And when you say "you have the right..." but follow it up by saying that it is less "decent" than your type of relationship, and cheapens marriage (paraphrasing), then you are lessening the "right" that you supposedly grant. Because a right isn't entirely about being allowed, but it's also about being allowed without prejudice and intolerance. You may not be embarrassed by your intolerance, but you should be. Get off your moral high horse, dolt. I've dealt with plenty of intolerant fucknuts like you to know exactly how low your moral high horse really is.



    You're acting very defensive. In fact, you're freaking out and full of name calling. Do yourself a favor: ask gay and straight people you know whether they think a decent relationship is one based on monogamy or an open one. Some may not know what an open one is, so explain to them that it's a relationship in which the couple give each other permission to have sex with other guys. Ask your parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends, co-workers and whoever else you want to ask which they think is more decent. They can't say both. And they can't say it's up to the people involved. They have to pick one choice or the other. It's just their opinion. And I will continue to say I'm not intolerant nor am I embarrassed of my opinions. My morals aren't your morals. Face it.



    Luckily, people don't get to vote on whether my relationship is any more or less valuable than yours. It is not an election. It is not a popularity contest. The majority does not rule. Your pathetic value judgments expose you as the hypocritical dolt that you are. I couldn't be more thankful that we don't share the same morals... the difference between me and you is that I don't impose mine on others.

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    Jun 23, 2010 8:46 PM GMT
    DJ and JJ have hit the nail on the head.

    It's not about monogamy/polygamy, straight/gay, marriage/civil unions, moral/immoral it's about civil rights.

    To impose ideologies about what a valid relationship form within our community is counter to our struggle with those outside of it.

    I am monogamous but I would sooner be stabbed in the face than participate in an institution like marriage with a 50% success rate based on puritanical values that are most definitely NOT mine. But I and every other citizen of this nation deserves the option... regardless of the gender or dynamics of their personal commitment to who ever they share their life with.

    Check yourself. Having a personal opinion is much different than making a judgment.
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    Jun 23, 2010 8:49 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidI'm still waiting to hear about a gay divorce. So far I haven't heard about one. That's a much better track record than straight married couples.

    I've had the closest thing you can come to one... not fun. But I want my fucking right to a public, state facilitated, messy, ugly, gut wrenching divorce just like everyone else!