Ah yes. This part.

I am just me. An ordinary guy. A dot on the map of humanity. Living on the edge of boredom. If I vanished into thin air tomorrow, not even 0.0001% of those on this planet would notice it.

I go to the gym; I work full-time. I study by correspondence. Every day, I put another piece of the puzzle in its place, and I place a little more of my life in perspective.

Not entirely boy, anymore.
Not fully man, yet.

Imperfect. Confused. In angst about everything. Doing the stupidest things you could think of.

Which is exactly where I am supposed to be . . . right now.

Energetic. Full of vitality. Full of potential. Full of hormones. Someone once described me saying, Hard as a rock and easy as pie. Ouch. That’s not what I want to tell my kids when I’m 36. (At least this same someone also said that I had the kind of mind that defied gravity. I’m still trying to work out whether he was saying I’m smart or have my head in the clouds.)

But that, you see, is exactly where I am supposed to be . . . right now. So help me God.

The truth is, I know who I am esoterically. I don’t know who I am in the concrete world. I’ll give you the esoteric breakdown, and if/when we meet, we can translate this into a practical breakdown:

I am life’s latest attempt at defining itself to itself. I am humanity, individualizing as a 22-year-old gay guy trying – paradoxically – to find himself in another. An archetype projected into the material world to fulfill a purpose which it can’t know until it has fulfilled it. A lesson waiting to learn itself, a prayer trying to answer itself and a universe trying to find itself.

That’s the metaphysical definition of me. I’ve had eternity to work on that one. But the physical one, I’ve only had 22 years to figure out. Give me a break:)

So I am, just me.

And that, I reckon, is quite cool.

What kind of person (s?) am I looking for?

(Edit: I may have found him/07/07/2009; 12.08)

I lost track when I wrote this the first time around, so I’m modifying it.

I’m looking for guys who’re as comfortable discussing Renaissance Art as they are the FIFA Confederations Cup.

For guys who’re able to make irreverent jokes about any religion and belief – but also instantly recognize the presence of the sacred (even if it’s not sacred for them) and humble themselves when they see it.

For guys who say what they mean and mean what they say.

For guys who have solid fitness goals but don’t live for the gym and the gym alone.

Who’re as comfortable letting others into their space as they are in solitude. Who know the subtleties of intrapersonal and interpersonal space.

Who understand and hallow concepts like redemption and grace; whether they’ve placed those concepts on an altar to worship them is entirely their business. But the total inability to sense wonder and mystery is just sad.

Who can be strong and vulnerable at the same time. In fact, for me, the two qualities must be found together or not found at all.

Who’re able to look at any human being and see beauty.

And if one of those guys sees an especial beauty in me, and I in him – then that would be just sweet.

I am not 100% the guy I’ve described above. But that is the guy I am growing into.

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