Welcome to "Ask Joe," our RealJock advice column, written by our regular contributor, Joe Weston. Joe is a life coach, workshop facilitator, lecturer and peace advocate with a deep commitment to the possibility of individual personal fulfillment. Looking for some clarity on tricky issues in your life? Share what's on your mind with Joe—concerning work, personal awareness, love and romance, meditation and spiritual exploration, or just about anything else that's getting between you and your life goals.
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I am turning 29 and looking at the fact that I'm going to be single for a very long time. I am working on my credit report to get that fixed so I can buy a house of my own, as well as a vehicle. It seems I have better luck landing a damn good credit score than landing a man. Any help? It seems that I apply my talents and skills for my personal gains but I am very bankrupt in love. And it seems that once I land the house and establish my comfort zone, I'm not going to want anyone, for reasons I'm sure you know. Any ideas?
—Love or Money?
Hey Love or Money,
Let’s start with the first untruth you tell. You say that you are looking at the “fact” that you are going to be single for a very long time. What facts do you have? None, unless you can see into the future. The only thing you have are speculations, past data, and trends that can inform how things may go, but you can never predict a shift in the “market.” Right? If you are good with money, you know what I’m talking about. However, if you want to be single, than you will be. That’s like saying if you want to be bankrupt, you can easily make it happen.
The second untruth is that you say that you have better luck with money than love. Sweetheart, this has nothing to do with luck. It’s all about investments. Where are you putting your time, attention and energy? Where are you not putting your time, attention and energy? It’s common sense. Do the calculations yourself. Where are you using your talents, resources and creativity?
From what you say, you aren’t cultivating your love commodity and investments very well. You seem to be successful in the money sector. How about using those same gifts in matters of love? It’s all about choice. Right now, you are putting more energy and desire into your values around profit. Are you happy with that choice? Great. Keep on going. Satisfy your need to succeed financially.
But if you feel that your life is out of balance, and you would like to put more time and energy into love, do it. Use your business acumen to become an emotionally rich man! If you are challenged with stepping up to the plate and taking risks in the love market, and you are not happy placing so much value in money and material things, I can suggest the best investment you can make at this time—a therapist.
Wishing you emotional abundance,
How do you know if you've found "the one"? I'm young, 24, and I met a guy online about four years ago now. After chatting and casually checking into each other's lives once in a while we finally were both single and met last year. We had some intense puppy love and though we moved quickly, there was clearly a deep connection, one I've never felt and he hadn't either (he's 27). We both came out to our parents together as well. I was laid off in LA last fall and he was laid off in San Francisco, so he told me to move up to SF to look for work which I did, and we lived together—big red flag, I know, but we were best friends, boyfriends, and very much in love.
Around Christmas he had his jaw broken and had to have his mouth wired shut for about a month and a half, which affected him physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was by his side all the way, as he was with me. After 10 short months, which felt like a lifetime with him, he decided he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me. We had been fighting a lot lately and I hadn't done the best at starting my "own" life in San Francisco. We split at the beginning of February this year and it was a very hard breakup for both of us. Now we've opened the doors to "talking" again, and though he says he wants to be single, he's open to reconnecting and getting to know each other again....I just miss my best friend and my lover, but I have some questions for you:
- Do you believe that when relationships end they're over for good? Will your ex always be your ex, or is there something to be said for true love?
- I can't seem to get over him, he's the one guy I've been stuck on. Should I just keep trying to get over him so I'm not devastated if something doesn't work out? We're not boyfriends now, we've set the ground rules at "just hanging out" for now.
- Is there really such a thing as The One, and if there is or isn't how do you know when to keep pursuing and when to just let him be the ex?
—On the Fence
There’s a lot churning there in your heart, isn’t there? You seem so alive. How exciting! So, how do you know if you have found “The One”? You don’t. Sorry. And, by the way, what is “The One”? Does that actually exist? This doesn’t mean that you have to be alone. In fact, a big reason why many people are alone is because they are waiting to meet “The One.”
The best you can say about a current lover is that he is “The One At the Moment.” He may be “The One At the Moment” for two weeks, two years or even 60 years, but you will never know that. That is the beauty and magic of being in relationship. When you can be with your lover in this moment, and not take them for granted, and not know if or when it is going to end, you find yourself opening to deeper levels of commitment and creativity, and you continue reinventing and invigorating each other and the relationship. Instead of wondering if this guy is “The One”, start appreciating what he has meant to you and what he means to you now.
Imagine yourself 50 years from now and look back at these years you’ve been with him up until now. If he is no longer with you in 50 years, you will look back at him and your time together fondly. You will celebrate the deep friendship and service you have given to each other—coming out together, feeling real love for the first time, supporting each other in your triumphs, growth and challenging times. He will always hold an important place in your heart, right? You both played an important function in each other’s lives. Be grateful for that. And maybe the role you have played for each other is coming to an end.
This may mean that you need to part. This may also mean that if you both decide to stay in each other’s lives, you have to redefine and reinvent what kind of relationship you have. Who knows? You may part ways now and in 10 years you find each other again, and fall naturally into a balanced love relationship that lasts 50 years! So, stop trying to figure it out and follow your heart. When you make decisions from your heart, there are no wrong decisions.
Stay in the now,
About Joe Weston: Joe Weston is an international workshop facilitator and personal life coach. Born and educated in New York, Joe lived in Amsterdam for 17 years and now lives in California. He is committed to helping others embody spirituality and supporting them on their journey towards personal fulfillment and empowerment. Joe brings a wealth of insight to his work based on many teachings, including Tai Chi Chuan and a variety of spiritual traditions—plus his experience in theater and various organizational trainings. He is currently writing a book entitled “Respectful Confrontation: the Path to Compassionate Engagement, True Power and Personal Freedom.” He also volunteers for the Liberation Prison Project, teaching Buddhism to inmates. To find out more about his workshops and his personal coaching, visit www.joeweston.com. Joe leads lectures and workshops in Respectful Confrontation around the world. He currently has spaces open for new coaching and bodywork/erotic healing clients. For more info, click here.