My fellow students!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2008 11:58 PM GMT
    I am a nice guy. I am maybe too nice. I don't know how to explain this, but my fellow students (I'd rather not call them friends) only like me when they need me. And realising that, hurts. I am their best friend when it comes to bringing them to the airport, carrying their luggage, picking them up at night when arriving late, correcting their reports, helping them find jobs, paying their food and drinks at school etc. etc. etc. But they never ask me out. They go all together to these nice parties and no one ever asks me to go with them. (Merely an example.)

    It's even that bad that one of them once came to borrow sugar for the dinner party she was throwing next door (she's my neighbour). They saw me open the door and asked me how I was, but didn't invite me in. I just don't get it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being helpful and I don't demand anything back, but I just feel sad that I don't cross their minds when they are having fun. And of course I know I can force myself upon them like they all do. But that ain't me. Sometimes I just wish I couldn't understand body language.

    Sorry for this guys, but I thought that maybe if I posted this where people would read it, I could give my brains some rest. Cause I need to stop thinking about it.
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    Feb 18, 2008 12:13 AM GMT
    Hi Monir,

    I hear you, bud. If it makes you feel any better, you're not alone -- there are a lot of us out there who fit your description. In fact, I'd venture to say probably all "nice guys" (and women) feel put upon from time to time by "friends" who take, take and take but don't reciprocate. I could list numerous examples from my own experience; I can't begin to tell you how many times I've been disappointed by posers pretending to be friends.

    What to do? Just keep looking. Find people who are genuinely decent and who genuinely like you. It won't be hard -- you sound like a good guy, and there are actually lots of good people around. In the past few years, I've made an added effort to find friends of quality, and it's worked pretty well.

    In the meantime, don't let others take advantage of your good nature.

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    Feb 18, 2008 12:27 AM GMT
    Thnx. I know I am not alone. And I even know that my complaints are nothing compared to complaints people around the world have at this moment.

    I have met some very great people. And I hope I will meet them again. At this moment however I don't have a fixed residence. So as an International student I just meet up people around the world. Once I am settled I'll hope to finally make some real friends.
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    Feb 18, 2008 12:46 AM GMT
    Maybe you are trying to hard. Another thing is don't be a doormate to anyone. Stop giving to those that are users and start giving to people who appreciate you.

    In life you do not need tons of friends but a couple of real friends that are with you in good and bad times.

    Good luck!
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    Feb 18, 2008 12:55 AM GMT

    Be careful about choosing your college friends. When I started college I made a load of friends that I seemed to click with but two years later I'm on my own. The ones I clicked with dropped out, they failed, they transfered they got far too involved in both there own and others problems. There were times I had to make the choice between being cut loose and from being dragged down. The ones that were left wern't the sort I clicked with at many levels.

    Don't just walk around burning up with the hate, be proactive, you want to be invited to the party ask, they don't oblige throw your own.

    I don't know what faculty your in but even though I found mine to be interesting and I excelled at it, the atypical students wern't of the usual character I associated with. A variety of reasons, falling admissions requirements, v.high drop out rate, heavy & variable course load, recently modularized. but there is life outside college and that seems to be where I'm getting more and more of my friends.

    BTW college parties you don't get invited you show up (and bring alcohol)
  • NickoftheNort...

    Posts: 1416

    Feb 18, 2008 8:20 AM GMT
    You're probably right to not call them friends. Based off of your description, it sounds more as though they are users of a convenient commodity (you).

    You are letting yourself be used though, and you may want to start making some of your own demands. Being nice is rewarding, but being nice *and* being appreciated for your niceness is far more rewarding. For example, paying for other persons' food and drink? If this is a regular form of vampirism on their part on your wallet, stop and start *lending* money (with some expectation of a return).

    I got "Home / Office Depot" as a nickname when I attended high school and university, as I continually brought multiple pens, pencils, calculators, and more and willingly lent them to those in need. After a few disappointments in the "didn't return" department, I learned to understand that I wasn't bonding with the people I lent stuff to; I was merely providing a convenience.

    Mind you, I was content with providing that convenience as I believe that it helps improve people's moods and thereby improves the overall mood of the environment. However, I did not see it as a friendship-building opportunity; for that, I went elsewhere and met people through common interests.
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    Feb 20, 2008 3:38 AM GMT
    Yeah, as an addendum to my earlier post -- I remember when I was in college, I was way too generous with people and I found it didn't work. . . most of my "friends" in college were just horrible. Don't let yourself be used by anyone.
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    Feb 20, 2008 3:47 AM GMT
    when i started asking for a bit of gas money to cover certain costs like driving folks to the bus station to head home, some stopped asking me. and i was asking for less than public transit would cost them.