I hate my life.

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    Mar 02, 2008 8:16 AM GMT
    Hello. My name is Alex.



    There, I said it.


    The most significant change in my life was my decision to go back to college after three years. I felt that there were things that needed to be resolved. I decided to embark on a transfer program. I wanted to participate in the MBA creative writing program at San Francisco State University, and to transfer there I had to complete seven required classes (I had done the bulk of them en route to my AA). My family TOLERATED my decision. You know what that means? They didn't want me to go, but they allowed me to do it anyway. What the fuck is that? After three years of failing at finding a job and struggling to endure my family's general disapproval of my life, one would think that they would be happy for me. But NO.

    And it hasn't seemed like CCSF has welcomed me back with open arms. I recently completed my fall semester, and in retrospect, it was the worst time that I have ever spent in college. My only enjoyment came from my German class and my creative writing class. The rest were hell, especially my American history and speech classes, which were dominated by FUCKING HETEROSEXUAL WHITE GOOD-OLD BOYS FROM HELL. I'm sorry, but that's what they were. You may have experienced them in your day-to-day lives. I struggled to keep my financial aid in check. I struggled to make it to class on time. (I'm in my spring semester now, and I'm struggling to keep up with studying.)

    I sought counseling on campus. For eight weeks, I saw a lovely counselor in the student health center. Unfortunately, per school regulations those eight weeks were the only time that was allotted to me; not nearly enough. She was a nice, patient, and understanding lady, but she wasn't enough. So, she referred me to a counseling center on Church Street. I went there for the intake, paid the $25 fee, and foolishly hoped that this would be the beginning. But when I arrived for our first full session, no one was there. I waited in the waiting room for over an hour. No one told me a thing, and it seemed that they didn't care. So, I quit. I didn't want to, but I had no choice.

    I still live with my family, and things are getting worse. We just lost the house in an auction held by the City of Vallejo. The current housing crisis notwithstanding, I blame myself because I couldn't find a job to help my family keep the house, no matter how hard I tried. In addition, all my relatives are spending a lot of time at the house. My younger brother, who is in the Navy and who can do no wrong in my parents' eyes (though before he joined the Navy he was a wild kid who beat me up regularly and did speed and crack) has visited us from time to time and continues to harass me something awful. My aunts from San Diego are visiting long-term. My dad is retiring in May. I can't take living at home anymore.

    I tried to kill myself in late September. My family doesn't know about this. I attempted to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, but I chickened out. I don't know what was worse: the fact that I tried to do it, or the fact that I failed. Failing at suicide meant that I had failed in the long run. If I couldn't take my own life, then how would I be able to take control of my life?

    Everyday, I try to assure myself that I am a good person. But it doesn't work. I feel like the worst person on Earth somedays. I feel like I don't matter, and that I never mattered at all. Everyone else is, for lack of a better example, China or Russia or the USA and I'm fucking Liechtenstein or Tuvalu or Sao Tome and Principe.

    It's been the worst year of my life, and I fear that no matter how proactive I get, 2008 will even be worse. I can't seem to do anything right.

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    Mar 02, 2008 2:36 PM GMT
    I suggest you return to the counseling center on Church Street. Obviously, there was a mix-up. I'm sure nobody intentionally missed their appointment with you.

    You say that you didn't want to quit but had to. Want to explain?
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    Mar 02, 2008 2:41 PM GMT
    Take it easy , men. You are only looking at the negative side of you life. I am sure there a lot of positive aspect like you are young, healthy and you have all kind of people who love you. You live in a peaceful country , have plenty to eat. Remember if you really hate your life there million of people who gladly switch with you.I mean we all have our dull moment in life.Things dont go our way. But just like night and day , it will get better
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    Mar 02, 2008 3:25 PM GMT
    Alex -

    I agree with Zak...count your blessings...and realize that there are people out there who are dealing with so much more --- the guy in a wheelchair paralyzed from an accident or birth defect, the child suffering through chemo and dealing with cancer, burn victims, soldiers maimed in Iraq fighting for our country, children in African countries who have no shoes for their feet or have to survive on one meal a week. Life is a series of challenges we all have to overcome no matter who we are, so don't feel alone in your struggle, just feel thankful for how much more YOU may have than so many others less fortunate. Don't let yourself wallow in your your struggles because that will get you nowhere. Most importantly, hold on to the reality that things never stay the same, and just keep your eyes focused on a goal and forge ahead. Even if you only take baby steps towards that goal every single day, you will get there eventually and things will get better for you. Keep the faith!
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    Mar 02, 2008 3:56 PM GMT
    You have taken a big step in your life by writing to this forum.
    Two people have already given you good advice,my I add a comment,there are many challenges to face in life and you will become stronger as you deal with them one by one.

    Persevere and remember that there are friends that will come to you. sometimes when you least expect them .

    Feel free to confide by E/M if you wish.
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    Mar 02, 2008 4:05 PM GMT
    qalbi30 saidYou have taken a big step in your life by writing to this forum.

    This is big Alex and I think you'll find that if you reach out to some of us who really want you to succeed, you'll find a new circle of guys that are willing to listen and provide you with positive feedback. You've already seen some great suggestions here.

    Like the others, feel free to e/m and chat. I'm just down the road, let me know if you want to grab a cup of coffee someday.

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    Mar 02, 2008 4:37 PM GMT
    Hi alex,
    l had a crap childhood but i got thro' that and i always say "there are worse situation's out there than mine was" Don't give up on yourself look real hard for a job you might like if not do anything but don't hang around the house and any money earned will help Mum and Dad. Just think what they are going thro' now with the house situation etc!

    Chin up ok!
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    Mar 02, 2008 6:36 PM GMT
    If I couldn't take my own life, then how would I be able to take control of my life?

    Allow me to answer that: because you're still alive!!
    Quiting should never be an option and it sounds like that is what you are looking to do. I'd suggest you think about what you have to live for more than what you thought you should die for. For starters, you've got graduation day to live for. When the trial is over and you get to bask in the afterglow, you won't even recall the trials, the despair. I know where you are and i'm still there. Getting ones B.A. is only the beginning. I STRUGGLED in college, but now I made it, ...now I gotta make something of it, OOF.

    Let's get back to you, shall we? Don't seek approval from your family, please. they sound eerily familiar. I too have a relative who was a former drug pusher turned low level military entrant. THEY IDOLIZE HIM!! At the same time, they estrange, me, the hardbodied college educated straight arrow (well, mostly straight). Families do this, because exhalting the lowest among them makes them feel less than failures themselves. Besides, if they recognize you, they have to do more to match you.

    I am also afraid that you are thinking of a college education as a race with other students and other people your age. It is not and you gotta take it in stride. Goodluck and stop saying you hate your life. Some people would love to attend college, but have mental and learning disablities that prevent them. You are healthy in mind and body, you are active. You have a lot going for you and need to focus on the positive not the negative.

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    Mar 02, 2008 7:34 PM GMT
    First thing, get off the pity pot, and plunge forward. Life sucks, then you die. Deal with it. Walk into, through, and beyond your challenges. Whining about it will get no nowhere, fast.

    Second thing, come to like yourself. If you don't nobody else will.

    Third thing, make your decisions and move forward. If you don't like where you're headed change direction.

    Fourth thing, if other folks like your brother, or The Pope, or whoever, more than you, who cares. It is what it is, and you need to get over it and get on with the things you can, and quit whallowing in self-pity / negativity. You can't fix it so, quit fucking worrying about it. Channel your energy on those things you can change. You may not be the most popular, the prettiest, etc., but, it is what it is. Deal with it.

    Fifth thing, get around positive people. If your family disapproves of you, quit seeking their approval, when all it does it make you miserable. DOH!

    Seek a professional if you want, but, the key is getting positive, having the courage to change the things you can, accepting the things you can't, and having the wisdom to know the difference.

    Now, quit feeling sorry for yourself, and get on with the rest of your life. Crying is for babies.

    Live your life for you; come to like yourself; the rest will fall into place if you focus on changing things you can, and should.

    You can talk this all to death, but, mental outlook and positive changes are the key to fixing it. It's not rocket science, and your situation is not unique.

    You may want to get on an anti-depressant to interrupt your negative thought process.
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    Mar 02, 2008 8:09 PM GMT
    To say something similar to chuckystud but maybe with a softer touch...

    One tough thing about self-pity (I know it well, I soaked in it for years and years through high school and college) is that it's hard to get over the sense of victimization. You get this despair combined with a mix of self-loathing and anger at the world / God / universe / everyone else / whatever (really, the self-loathing and the anger are kind of the same thing) and it makes it hard to move on to solutions.

    Then, every time you try something, like going to that Church St. counseling center, it doesn't immediately work (as obscenewish says, clearly just an oversight) and that only reinforces the despair and victimization.

    I broke up with a boyfriend once who was still very much into the relationship, and then within a month of two of breaking up with him, a bunch of other shit happened to him. His car got totaled. He couldn't make rent. Etc.

    He started relying on his best friend pretty heavily, for rides to work and a place to crash for a while, and his friend was getting annoyed and feeling put-upon, and my ex was irritated by this: "He's supposed to be a good friend, and he won't do this for me in a time of need?"

    Self-pity is myopic and selfish in that way.

    I've found in my struggles with self-pity that the only thing you can really do is take charge. Say to yourself, what do I want? Stop worrying about how bad things are. That self-pity is a dangerous warm blanket. It'll lull you into complacency.

    Instead, focus on what you want. I would guess that you want happiness, good mental health, and freedom from suffering. Start there, acknowledge it'll only get more and more uncomfortable, but decide that it's worth the discomfort, and go get it. Go back to that counseling center. Get some help. Take loans if you need to finance valuable treatment.

    Someone on RJ had a great quote once, one I've quoted now several times:

    "When people complain that life is too hard, I want to ask, "Compared to what?""

    If you feel like things should be easier, ask yourself, "Why?" It may seem that everyone else's life is smooth sailing compared to yours, but you can never know another's experience. Most people tend to be private about their worst struggles, so how would you know?

    Don't worry about how things were, or how they are, focus on where you want them to be, and what you need to do to get there.
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    Mar 02, 2008 8:50 PM GMT
    I don't consider myself selfish. I know that there are people in worse situations out there. I know that our country is at war, even if I don't approve of the war itself. I know that people are dying in Darfur. I know that women still make 76 cents for every dollar that men make. I know that, in relative terms, I have it easier.

    But I shouldn't have to feel guilty because my problems are, in the collective scheme of things, less than "the real problems" out there. You can have food in your stomach and still be hungry. You can live in a house and still be homeless. You can wear clothes but still feel naked. You can pray to as many gods as you can and still feel deprived of faith. Personally, I find it insulting when I talk about my problems and others say "Well, about those who are REALLY suffering?" Comparing and contrasting personal adversities cheapens all concerned.

    The thing is, I want to put myself first. But I'm not being selfish in saying that. Here's my reasoning:

    Putting my family first means that I will not be able to have my own life aside from my family. I love my family, don't get me wrong. But I keep putting them first, I'll feel like I can't have a life outside the house. It's not healthy for me, and not healthy for them.

    Putting God first scares the crap out of me. I was raised Catholic, and I never had a say in the matter. I went to catechism classes at the same time I was dealing with my sexuality. It was not fun. On the day of my First Communion, I choked on the fucking communion wafer. And this bitch in the front pews screamed at me, like I had desecrated the Catholic Church. Plus, we're living in a society where fundamentalist religion is permeating everything, now more than ever. I do have a spiritual side. I do have morals. But the day that I turn into Kirk Cameron or Fred Phelps or Lisa Whelchel or Jerry Falwell is the day that I truly lose it. I personally view organized, mass-market religion as faith-based bullying. And I've been bullied for far too long.

    I'm not a terrible person, you know.
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    Mar 02, 2008 9:31 PM GMT
    Ever read The Metamorphosis by Kafka? A lot of people take from that story that there's a family that's taking advantage of their child. The child is the only one that works, they have all these unrealistic expectations of him. Things are very stagnant and unhappy in the family until the kid isn't there anymore (he turns into a bug, for dramatic effect). The family has to adapt and change - and in the end they are better for it. Turns out the father who couldn't work, found a job.

    My point: I think it's healthy to distance yourself from destructive people who are not supportive. Only you can make that call, but I think if you are constantly looking for your family's approval, there's something not right there. Family is there to be supportive, not make you feel crappy about yourself. I think distance (both physical and emotional) might be good for you.

    Another recommendation: Don't quit on therapy. Find a good therapist, one who has a plan, not one who is just like: "so what did you do this week." Therapy can be very very helpful.
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    Mar 02, 2008 9:32 PM GMT
    Get past all the baggage.

    Ditch the false belief systems.

    Set goals, achieve them, and mark them off.

    Incremental progress.

    Spare all rhetoric.
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    Mar 02, 2008 10:39 PM GMT
    You need help. Plain and simple. And I'm not saying from only one source. Talk with some good friends, look into seeing a therapist, and most importantly don't give up on yourself.

    I once was down a dark suicidal depressive road for about half of my young life. I thought I was the least important person around, not kidding. The thought that something good I did actually had value and that somebody else was going to acknowledge it was sickly hilarious to me. Not until I reached out to a friend, than another. There was a lot of time when that alone wasn't enough. Then my met my now ex who helped step away from the person I both used to be, and believed myself to be. I'm currently still undergoing some further self improvement and am looking foward to my future.

    In time, noone can say how long, you'll see how reaching out to friends and professionals can help you rediscover who you are and what you can truely do with yourself.

    I've visited this thread a dozen times, and each I thought I had nothing to say that could help, but I just started writing what I knew was right and now I'm probably boring you to death, lol. But seriously, it's just a matter of reaching out to connect with someone and talking about what's going on. The simplest actions can sometimes have the most profound results.
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    Mar 02, 2008 11:11 PM GMT

    Like boiwunderkind, I visited this thread previously and hesitated to comment -- mainly because I want to make sure that what I say might be of some help to you. First, I agree with you that it's not much help for someone to say 'get over it, think of all the people in Darfur.' With all due respect to them, that's really irrevelant. What counts here is you.

    I am no expert in this, but like many of the other posters on this board, I urge you -- today, if possible, or first thing tomorrow -- to get help. Go back to the clinic on Church Street; it sounds like there may have been a mix-up the last time and I am absolutely certain it was nothing personal or intentional. Or back to the counseling center on campus, even though your eight weeks are up; tell them you need some help. Or find a professor or friend to talk with. Don't give up. Keep looking and you will get some assistance.

    About your family, I understand that part totally, I came from a horrible place where my Dad was a miserable alcoholic and my Mom was a screaming, hysterical b***h. It was insanity day-in-and-day-out for years, until I got out of there. I say this only to let you know that some of us have been there too, and you'll make it through. One question: Is there someone, anyone in your family. . . a grandparent, an aunt, an uncle. . . somebody who you can trust and talk to?

    Please hang in there. The fact that you are searching for help and seeking answers shows that you are emotionally healthy; the fact that you are seeking your Masters shows that you are smart and ambitious. You sound like a bright, articulate and good person. Hang in there, don't let the bastards bother you, and keep communicating on this board.
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    Mar 02, 2008 11:14 PM GMT


    I'm sorry for what has happened to you, but seriously, not all straights are bad towards gays. I'm straight, and I'm giving advice and making friends with gays here on RJ! I'm pro-gay!

    There shouldn't be any difference between the two lifestyles, after all, what straight has never had some sort of gay fantasy? I must admiit, I have.

    And by the way, do not consider suicide ever again. Like you said you're a good person, and I strongly believe that everyone here on earth has the potential to do something great, and come out on top!

    Aim high, and never let anyone pull you down! icon_biggrin.gificon_lol.gificon_razz.gificon_wink.gif
  • EricLA

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    Mar 03, 2008 12:15 AM GMT

    Sorry to hear about what you're going through. But I think posting your message here shows that you really don't want to kill yourself. But, you're at a loss of how to get yourself out of the situation you are in now and you see killing yourself as a shortcut to stopping the pain you feel. Unfortunately, that's a permanent solution. There's no turning back. And you'll never again feel the pleasure about the things that did make you feel good. And you'll hurt all those people you love and love you. You might be thinking that you're doing them a favor, but trust me your wrong.

    Please go back and get the counseling you need. Don't stop until you give it a REAL attempt. Call up a crisis hotline if you have to, but you need to talk to someone. You can't solve this alone.

    I don't know if this well help, but there are people out there going through situations as bad or worse than you and trying to keep their heads up when possible. It's not always easy. But, watch this video from Oprah -- this is a university professor's last lecture. He had pancreatic cancer and only has months to live. He will leave behind his wife and three young children. And yet, he wants people to deal with life positively:


    I went through my own rough patch last year at this time. And thought through the perfect way of committing suicide that would be relatively painless to me, and make it easier on those who might find me, and those I was leaving behind. But when I realized what a great plan it was, I snapped. I realized that if ever I needed to talk to someone about what I was dealing with, it was then. I found a therapist and having been working on things. I've had more good days than bad. I still get depressed, but I'm not ready to end things yet. I hope you're not ready to end thing yet, either. Good luck to you, and hang in there.
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    Mar 03, 2008 2:14 AM GMT
    Alex, I'd like to make two suggestions for you to consider:

    1) Why is it that whenever things are going great, we think it will never last, but when things are bad, we think it will never end?

    2) I strongly suggest you read the book, THE POWER OF NOW by Eckhart Tolle. He found himself saying, "I'm going to kill myself." Then in a moment of clarity, he asked, who is the "I" and who is "myself? Are they two people or one?" He goes on to explore the possibility that his negativity and ego were conspiring to do himself in.

    You have the power to make a change, whether it is by yourself, with help of counseling or anti-depressants. But, you have to choose to make that change. (Not choosing is a choice also).

    As my Mother used to tell me, "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."

    You can do this, Alex. Good luck to you.
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    Mar 03, 2008 2:23 AM GMT

    thanks, Oprah....LOLicon_razz.gif
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    Mar 03, 2008 2:31 AM GMT
    Remember, the self-centered, self-indulgent, self-pity is non-productive. The world doesn't revolve around you and you need to understand that. Once you come to accept that you won't always have things the way you want, you can move forward with managing your own life. Things are how they are, because of the fact that you let them stay that way. Quit whining about it, and get in gear. If you continue to do things the same, things will remain the same. DOH!

    Take charge of your life, and fix it. Only YOU can do that. Only YOU can make that choice, to channel your energy in a positive fashion and quit making excuses. Live your life for YOU, first, and the rest will fall into place.

    You can talk it to death, but, that won't fix it. Only action, by YOU, and an active desire for CHANGE will effect that change.
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    Mar 03, 2008 7:25 AM GMT
    Oh, yikes, Alex, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that you are selfish. I just meant to say, beware of self-pity, because it is a state that doesn't actually help you pull yourself back up.

    It sounds like you've got your hands full in terms of spare time, but when I've been stuck in self-pity the one thing I've done that has helped more than anything else is carving out just a little time and going and volunteering somewhere, work at a food bank or whatever. It helps get me out of my own head and out of that dark pit of despair, and I think it's really important to do that, to prioritize getting your head out of that place, to be able to focus on moving forward.

    You're not a bad person. You're a good person. All of us are, there is this basic human goodness. You need never doubt that.
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    Mar 06, 2008 1:57 PM GMT
    AlexDSSFPutting my family first means that I will not be able to have my own life aside from my family. I love my family, don't get me wrong. But I keep putting them first, I'll feel like I can't have a life outside the house. It's not healthy for me, and not healthy for them.

    May I ask if you're Filipino?

    Anyway, the decision to go back to college is certainly a step towards independence.

    Failing at suicide meant that I had failed in the long run. If I couldn't take my own life, then how would I be able to take control of my life?

    Actually you just did take back control of your life.

    AlexDSSFPutting God first scares the crap out of me. I was raised Catholic, and I never had a say in the matter

    Why does God always seem to factor so much? If you can't accept what's being taught to you. Seek a better religion. One you feel is right. Or just abandon it altogether. You don't need the extra guilt religion brings.

    Self Pity is a deep dark hole. Avoid it. If you can' help feeling sorry for yourself, try not to THINK about it at all. As chucky said take up a sport, take up a new interest, set goals and work toward achieving them.

    I am not that much different from you. I switched to a computer course against my parents' wishes. I'm still dependent on them. We almost lost our house when I was still in high school. My kid brother is bigger/fitter than me and is my dad's favorite (though he tries not to show it), I do love him though and he respects me. I don't have the looks. The money. The contacts. I'm not even OUT yet.

    Yet I consider myself reasonably happy. I have more of my share of disappointments but I see them as proof that I am trying at least to be happy. I have my bouts of sadness and I deal with it as soon as I can. I don't compound it by doing more things that I know would make me even sadder.

    Just stop thinking of yourself for instance. One of the best ways to counter depression is to do volunteer philanthropic work. When you think of other people and start caring for them more than yourself it's a start. Besides, you get to win friends.

    The longer you dwell on your own imagined 'failures' the worse it will be for you.

    The thing is, I want to put myself first. But I'm not being selfish in saying that.

    Well you certainly aren't doing that right now. If someone's holding you back from being happy you can cut them off. It's not actually them holding you back. It's YOU. And that's being selfish. Self-pity is selfish.

    I know how GOOD self-pity can feel. It's like a drug. The longer you feel sorry for yourself, the more you wanna feel that way forever. STOP IT.

    Why didn't you try going back to the Counseling Center? Giving up like that isn't going to get you anywhere if you really want to be happy.

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 17168

    Mar 06, 2008 7:08 PM GMT
    Hey Alex,

    I read your post and kept asking myself questions.. What kind of friends do you have and who do you generally seek out as friends?

    If you are seeking your Masters degree, you have shown accomplishment by completing your Bachlor's I would assume.

    Well I have a combination of thoughts, the need to give your encouragement and concern, the need to give you input on positive thinking and why it should be applicable to you. You look like someone who deserves to be happy. I'm sorry your not.

    Everyone has moments of self pity, everyone gets
    irritated about their life at points... and Alex, everyone has challenges in their lives.. everyone. You must learn to cope with them without it affecting your self esteem and self worth. So what if your history class had jerks in it. You're there for the learning. The example you gave about the counseling situation where no one showed up. You viewed it seriously.. ask questions and find a different route!

    My point is, you have every reason to work things out in your life. You seem to have goals and the energy to obtain them. I agree with the others, take the initiative, find a different counseling situation, work on a new support system (friends instead of family) and move forward.....and let us know how you are doing!
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    Mar 06, 2008 11:28 PM GMT
    Here's another thing.

    I don't matter either. I will not ever influence world affairs. When I die, all I'll get is a few days of mourning and a grave in some churchyard somewhere. Each of us do not matter individually. That's a fact of life. In fact the entire planet doesn't matter in the scope of the Universe. The sun could go supernova tomorrow and the rest of the universe will keep on existing like it is always has.

    And if you kill yourself, the world will just keep on rotating. The only one who lost is you. Accept that none of us matter at all. Once you realize that the world really has no expectations of us, you'll see that life is really what it is - a journey and not a test.

    If you feel like you don't matter what makes you think that suicide will make it any different? Instead, make yourself matter to somebody else. That's what our life is about. Connecting. The thing is, that part of life can only be initiated by you. If you're wrapped up in the aura of self-pity, you yourself are building the walls that keep you within it.

    Have you read the Suicide thread here on RJ about people's experiences with depression? We've been there, and it really does get better once you start letting go of the self-pity part.


    AlexDSSFPersonally, I find it insulting when I talk about my problems and others say "Well, about those who are REALLY suffering?" Comparing and contrasting personal adversities cheapens all concerned.

    I live in a third world country. I've seen people who have NOTHING to be happy about. Living in corrugated tin hovels, living day by day on the occasional dollar they get for the odd errand or two, wearing rags literally, etc. You get the picture. Yet you don't see them throwing themselves off a bridge. In fact some of them are the happiest people I've ever met.

    It doesn't cheapen the discussion. I'm sorry but I get the impression you don't want to hear about it because you want to continue feeling sorry only for yourself. Everyone has problems, some larger than others, it's how they deal with it that makes the difference between sad people and happy people.

    Those who say "My problems are worse than yours and I will never get over them." then lie down and expect it to go away just because they didn't deserve it.

    And then there are those who say "Ouch" and try to fix it. When it won't work, give a good hearty cry over it, forget it and move on.

    Get THAT therapist!

    I'm only a 22-year old loser after all. icon_razz.gif Hehe
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    Mar 20, 2008 11:32 PM GMT
    What everyone has said is great. Allow me to lend a few more thoughts:

    Why not stop the laundry list of woes and try to take each event in stride?

    A lot of the bad things that happen to us are usually unrelated, but we sometimes tend to lump them all up into a big snowball of negativity. It can really be difficult if we allow all of that to pile up--it can damage one's self-worth.

    But think about it: the bad doesn't happen 24 hours a day. Actually, a lot more good happens in a day compared to the bad. However, we find ourselves immersing our feelings and thoughts in those bad things, so they take up a lot of our time, and eventually control the way we look at our lives.

    So I can echo what others have said and say that it will be best for you to go back to counseling. But when you do that, remember that no counseling can help if you let the bad thoughts continue to control you.

    Also, you've allowed the negativity the hog the limelight. Give positivity a chance to perform--it'll put on a fun and better show. :-)

    All the best!