Physically gay and emotionally straight?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 03, 2008 3:24 AM GMT
    The super short version of my dilemma is that I have always thought of myself as gay (have maintained near abstinence for my 27 years however which is a little odd I know), but last week I met a girl who has flipped my world upside down. Could it be that I am not gay and am actually just that confused about myself and sexuality?

    More info:

    - Basis for thinking I was gay includes finding leather guys like Kevin Nash of the WWF attractive since I was about 12, finding domination/submission stuff arousing from an early age too and never really hitting it off with a ‘normal’ group of guy friends.

    - I don’t j/o thinking about gay sex; usually about feeling more masculine or something. Hard to explain. I can get off on this stuff though usually ( Sorry if tmi, lol.

    - My father left when I was young, mother is very strong willed, and although I am not religious, I have read religiously influenced books about father-loss and lack of male identity confusing people into thinking they were gay (I always thought it was BS, now I am reconsidering for myself at least). Perhaps I like being around gay guys b/c they are non-threatening or something to me?

    - I believe I don’t come across as gay to strangers and I suspect never being confronted on this has allowed me to neglect exploring this until now. More than one gay guy has asked me if I am really gay, lol, but I always thought it was b/c I am 100% safe about everything.

    - I am not really interested in the vag, and while I find guys attractive, I am not really interested in ‘gay sex’ either. I am interested in her though in a new way I don’t get. I have never been and continue not to be very close to people, it is pathetic but I realize from this that I start relationships with the expectation of it ending (residual from father? I never thought so, but maybe?). I feel like I am physically gay and emotionally straight or something. I want to have a relationship with her after a brief meeting; I have NEVER had this feeling. She came to visit me in my office and I blushed and felt all giddy, my coworkers couldn’t drop it but I am really confused.

    - Is this why some gay guys get married hetero-style? IS this an indication that I should consider that maybe?

    This is awkward and atypical for me to share all this. I feel like I have been hiding something from someone and I don’t know who or what either of the things are, how crazy is that. I am anxious to hear thoughts.
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    Mar 03, 2008 3:34 AM GMT
    I would say you are gay with very strong homophobic internalized behaviors. Not being sexually active in so long, I am surprised a telephone pole doesnt turn you on. In your homophobic state, heterosex is acceptable so this woman for whatever reason interests you and is releasing all that pent up sexual energy that you wont act upon under homosex situations.

    See a therapist.

    P.S. I just looked at your profile. Your face is cute, but your body...ummmm...not so much. There could also be some self-loathing going on here. You dont participate in sexual activities cuz you dont want to expose that bod.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 03, 2008 3:34 AM GMT
    this is probably going to sound completely oversimplified, but i'm gonna throw it out there:

    fuck it.

    you are a human being, and you are more complicated than any of the labels you're trying to apply to yourself.

    have you not considered the possibility that you are bisexual, rather than gay or straight? what if you are a person who is simply more interested in the emotional parts of sexuality, rather than the physical parts? there's nothing wrong with that, so long as you don't hurt yourself or others because of some kind of internalized conflict swirling around your confusion.

    i'd advise you to explore this relationship with this woman; however, i'd also advise you to be upfront with her now, so as to avoid confusion and pain later.

    it sounds like your emotional issues are way more complicated than your sexual ones (based on that very limited post you started with).

    oh, and one last thing: ultimately we're all pink on the inside.

    be good (or good at it).
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    Mar 03, 2008 3:37 AM GMT
    Well guy, I suck at advice. But I will say follow your heart. Best of luck!
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    Mar 03, 2008 4:23 AM GMT
    I will tell you what I think. I am not being critical at all, but rather asking you to think more critically because you may be trying to talk yourself into a more favorable or comfortable position for yourself.

    Have you ever kissed a guy? I notice you have a list of hot guys that is not trivial. Are you saying that if any of your fantasy guys or hot guys approached you, that you would not be turned on? You may not know if you have never been presented with the opportunity or given yourself a chance to fall in love. You sound like you have shunned intimacy for obvious reasons. Maybe you are just waking up or allowing yourself to feel in a way (with a woman) because this is more socially acceptable.

    What matters here is what you feel, but I know all too well how you feel can be subject to repression. Ask any of the guys here who were married and then came out how that works.

    It is possible to fall in love with women but not necessarily be straight. I did many times. It is easy to feel happy, flattered, and elated even when someone of either sex notices you. I notice that you seem to indicate that you are sexually disinterested either way. Maybe you have a low libido, or maybe this is just a sign of repressive tendencies.

    I think there should be no division in who you are (straight this vs. gay that). That sounds more like personality fragmentation or disorder.

    You shouldn't feel awkward in talking about it. There are countless gay guys that can tell you they have had the same or similar feelings.
  • pairatime

    Posts: 6

    Mar 03, 2008 5:12 AM GMT
    I’m going to go with a quote I’ve hear, ‘a gay guy just hasn’t meet the right women and a straight guy just hasn’t meet the right man’ so for you, you may be mostly interested in guys or maybe the idea of masculinity but this women for what ever reason has got your attention. See where it goes but do what dancerjack said and let her knows what’s up. Good luck what ever you do or don’t do.
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    Mar 03, 2008 5:18 AM GMT
    Hey original, kudos for asking a big question like this. Sounds like you have a lot of things going on. Go see a professional who can help you work through this stuff.

    I'm "mostly" gay but every once in a while, I meet a woman who just takes my breath away and that I would definitely sleep with. Sexuality is a spectrum, not an either/or. Don't worry about that.

    What's more concerning is the lack of connection and lack of sex right across the board. Whether it's guys or girls you connect with is irrelevant. It's just healthy that you connect with people in general as long as it's a positive connection.

    Who knows? Maybe your new girl is bi or just super easy going and wants an open relationship. Weirder things have happened. But I'd try to separate out all of the various issues from each other: distance, lack of sex, gender attractions, parental issues. You have some work to do. Good luck.

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    Mar 03, 2008 5:20 AM GMT
    Just don't rush into marriage, my friend. There are several guys on RJ who can tell you some pretty sordid tales (myself included) about getting married despite being gay. If you really are gay -- or even bi -- you might last in a hetero relationship for years, but at some point, the desire for a male soul mate becomes overwhelming. Like others have said, let the relationship play itself out; just don't rush anything. Besides, we're all somewhere on a continuum between gay and straight. You may well fall somewhere in the middle of that spectrum.
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    Mar 03, 2008 5:22 AM GMT
    outdoorathlete saidSexuality is a spectrum, not an either/or. Don't worry about that.

    Dang, outdoor beat me to the punchline. icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 03, 2008 5:23 AM GMT
    I would say I generally agree with what other people are saying. You really need to focus on being comfortable with yourself, gay, bi, straight or whatever. There isn't anything wrong with being celibate but don't be afraid to be who you truly want to be. If you think that you really are interested in this girl, and you aren't just jumping at the chance to maybe be straight, then go for it. But do be upfront with her. If you are too uncomfortable to be upfront with her, that is probably a sign that you are just having problems fully accepting yourself as being gay/bi. In that case, now would probably not be the time to start a serious relationship, but take some time to focus on yourself. Good luck with everything!
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    Mar 03, 2008 5:33 AM GMT
    I'd agree with what everyone else says. I don't think that 'Gay' is any realer than I make it, for me. I choose to identify as gay, but that's all that means.

    Something else to consider is that maybe you're asexual. My interpretation of this concept is that you don't like having sex with other people. You still masturbate, but possibly get aroused by concepts or scenarios, not people per se.

    I had a really difficult time coming to terms with my own sexuality, and something that really confused me was the fact that I find erotic stories involving domination arousing, be they male-male, male-female or female-female. When I get turned on by these stories, I don't picture myself in them. And watching them on video doesn't tend to turn me on. When I was older, I realized that I also find men's bodies extremely attractive. It was at that point that I made the choice to identify as gay. But at the end of the day, that's all that means. That doesn't mean that I can't find women attractive or that I enjoy anal sex. It just means that I choose to label myself as gay.

    So I say, if you've got the courage, explore a relationship with this women. Be upfront with her, so that if it doesn't work out for any reason, she's not confused. She might still be angry or upset, but at least she won't feel lied to in anyways.

    Oh, and definitely seek professional help. There's only so much good posts from people here can do icon_smile.gif

    Good luck! Hopefully it makes you happier.
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    Mar 03, 2008 5:41 AM GMT
    I don't know what to tell you other than to follow your heart and not your dick. I think people put too much into labels. You love who you love and that's it. Who cares what they have.. or don't have, between their legs.
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    Mar 03, 2008 5:58 AM GMT
    For what it's worth I'm going through the exact same thing right now! It's confusing and scary and I wonder if I'll ever be happy with the sex of the person I end up. But at the end of the day - when the connection to someone else's soul is there - all the other desires are just noise and the choice becomes clearer... I think we get hung up a lot on labels and stereotypes and they don't apply to everyone. As the other guys have said - just follow your heart and be true to yourself!
  • ep83

    Posts: 144

    Mar 03, 2008 6:01 AM GMT
    I've had a similar experience. I always thought I was gay (still do) until I met this awesome girl. We hung out a lot, had great conversations, there was a definite connection. There were also some serious mixed signals being sent on my part. We even had awkward moments where a kiss would have been entirely appropriate but nothing happened, though I think she expected it to. I did a lot of thinking about it, at the time and since, and determined that there wasn't any physical attraction and that it was more of a deep friendship. There are certain people you click with emotionally, others physically, and ideally someone where it all comes together. This can happen unexpectedly, inconveniently, and even without regard to gender, sex, or orientation. Interpersonal relationships are complicated and the most important thing is to be honest, both with the other person and yourself.
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    Mar 03, 2008 6:06 AM GMT
    I'm all for following your heart too. But remember, when your heart tells you that it's not going to work with this girl, then it's time to follow your heart somewhere else.

    I agree very much with Caslon, your story oozes internalised homophobia, and I'd be knocking on a psychologist's door before they opened in the morning.

    You're 27, you'll live to 100 if you bloody lucky, there's just no point wasting any more of your life worrying when there's help available. Good luck dude.
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    Mar 03, 2008 6:17 AM GMT
    First off, none of us are therapists and even if some of us were, we couldn't give competent advice without sitting down and talking with you. You have some stuff that you need to work out with a professional so you can finally get a little action icon_surprised.gif) There are resources available if you are unable to afford a therapist. Contact your local GLBT Resource Center or your insurance provider if you are insured.

    BTW, I have to say that I'm offended FOR you by Caslon's extremely offensive and retarded remark about your body. You weren't asking for anyone's opinion about your physical appearance, and in reality, he has no room to talk.
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    Mar 03, 2008 6:26 AM GMT
    pdxpally said

    BTW, I have to say that I'm offended FOR you by Caslon's extremely offensive and retarded remark about your body. You weren't asking for anyone's opinion about your physical appearance, and in reality, he has no room to talk.

    wow yea.. pretty harsh.. just read it.
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    Mar 03, 2008 7:34 AM GMT
    Yeah, Caslon, wtf. If there's one thing living in San Francisco taught me it's that all shapes and sizes are beautiful in their own way. I run into guys who think my build is attractive, and I run into guys who think I'd look a hell of a lot hotter with more hair and about 80lbs on my frame. And guys who think I'd be hotter if I were 8 inches shorter, hairless, blonde, and much thinner.

    It's not about how you look, fer chrissake. And I would put money down that even if original could pick a body out of a catalog and have it moments later, it would not resolve these issues.

    I've had a lot of luck with psychotherapy (individual and group) and meditation (kind of Vipassana, but really any meditation technique is getting at the root of seeing the mind clearly, just pick what works for you.) Even then, it's a long-ass journey.

    This site has certainly been a useful resource for me, you just have to let the random superficial stuff like attacks on your physical appearance roll off your back. icon_smile.gif
  • irishkcguy

    Posts: 780

    Mar 03, 2008 7:43 AM GMT
    Kinsey said very few people were 100% gay or 100% straight, that most people were varying degrees of bisexual (he came up with a scale that rated people from 0 to 6 and found there aren't that many 0s or 6s). I consider myself gay but have dated girls before and occasionally will still run across one the piques my interest. It's really weird when it happens.
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    Mar 03, 2008 7:44 AM GMT
    Sex isn't that simple and it doesn't strike me as unusual that you might be celibate.

    I suppose from what you say that you have never acted on your SM inclinations. Most people who have those inclinations end up thinking they are completely alone and having big problems with sex that eventually spill over into life. I speak from experience because it is exactly those issues that precipitated me into therapy at 20.

    There is a whole world of sexual experiences out there and a whole world of people that go with them (some are nice, some are incredible, and some are total shits - just like the rest of the world).

    Neither is there anything odd about being attracted to women and certainly not to a woman whom you find attractive.

    I don't want to be simplistic but you sound to me like a healthy normal BDSM fag with bisexual tendency (which is kind of like winning the lottery in terms of interesting experiences that are available to you).

    It is correct that no one here is a therapist (or even if they are couldn't really properly help in this kind of a forum). That said, select your therapist with extreme care. It might not be so easy to find a therapist in Pittsburgh PA is qualified to handle your issues in anything other than a totally conventional way. That can be extremely damaging.

    As for the comments about your body, that is just so off the charts inappropriate that it seems hard to believe. You might take that as an opportunity to practice ignoring total nonsense.

    I hope that you can relax about this stuff and start to have the good time that you deserve.

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    Mar 03, 2008 10:29 AM GMT

    Hey Original...

    Most of the guys got it right - try to speak to a professional therapist that can help you sort out the jumbled feelings you're experiencing nowadays.

    And, you know, it may not be as simple as gay or straight - and that's ok -- there are many shades of the sexual identity spectrum - you'll find yours and it will feel just fine.

    In the meantime, enjoy what is happening to you and explore as you believe right for you without worrying about labels, etc.

    Oh, and one more thing...your physical body is sexy and don't let anyone else tell you differently. And, good luck with the Ironman competition!!!

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    Mar 03, 2008 11:06 AM GMT
    I knew or at least had a feeling that i was gay long before i knew what the term "gay" was and about 8 years before i lost my virginity to a guy when i was 16. I don't know you as well as you probably know yourself...nobody does or even can. Even after losing my virginity i still wanted to try girls to see what it was all about and hoping i was some sort of "bi" so that i would be able to understand the world of "straight" men a little better and even had two very short lived hetero relationships when i was 17 after i had already come out at age 14. I have also pondered the "ideas" of the ex-gay people and have found evry bit of there theory to be disgusting myself and am glad that the goddess as i like to refer to my chosen higher power as created me as i am to love differently and to hate none. SEX is just that sex. I would never bring myself to call it making love unless i were deeply, emotionally, involved with the person i was performing the actr with. I have chosen to label myself as GAY because I am a man who is both sexually and emotionally conected to people of the same gender exclusively. With women i have the emotional part to a point and perhaps sexual to a point as well but I could never really truly enjoy being with a woman myself. Neither can i become erect "while sober" with a female person. I wish you luck with this woman you speak of and i am definitely not going to be one to condemn you for it either. Congradulations btw if she turns out to be your one true love btw because those mutual feelings seem to be quite rare amongst most couples weather gay or straight. I myself have fallen in love with the man i am dating but he doesn't love me back or is not ready to say it to me anyway but considering that my relationship is new i could be wrong about my own feelings although i thoroughly doubt it. Because like i said to you earlier on in this, what turned out to be a very long response, you only know yourself best. Nobody else can know you better.

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    Mar 03, 2008 11:21 AM GMT
    I'll fix my grammar and spelling on that later. haha.icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Mar 03, 2008 1:43 PM GMT
    Maybe your dilemna and mine are the same. I've never been with a woman, other than cohersed into a drunken french kiss at club. I too have gone long periods of time without engaging in sexual activity, other than those involving porn, but out of choice.

    And since I've never touch a woman I've got some curiosity towards. In fact, it was part of my dream, from what I can recall. Think of it the same way you would the percentage that a straight man may concider himself possibly gay, if he were forced to make decision. Like 85 to 95% gayness to 5 to 15% possible straight/hetero-curious. Though, like those gay-curious guys, it'll take a very attractive and compatible female for me to even concider attempting intercourse. Ughh! Those things scare me!! Like a venus fly trap...

    Anyways, I agree with most of what Caslon and dancerjack have said. Seek counsel, from a prof. &/or friends; but screw labelling yourself. In the long run you could change your mind again, and any 'missleading' labels could drive you to depression and self loathing. Not a good thing. Last bit of advice. Go to a gay club. Dress your best, the whole nine yards, and tell any guys you can strike a conversation with your 'problem'. That'll help get you laid, and help you understand your own sexuality in the process.

    Best of luck, and don't hurt yourself.
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    Mar 03, 2008 2:21 PM GMT
    I agree with many of the guys who posted. You should absolutely seek out professional help to assist you in sorting out where you really are on the sexual spectrum. Don't be concerned about having feelings for both or about needing to identify with a specific label. I would add though, that in my opinion, you really should try sampling some of life's variety before making a final decision.

    I had been with women before men and I am still occasionally turned on by them. I could absolutely have sex with a women, I just don't want to be in relationship with one. I prefer men.

    In fact there was a point in time when I was 25 that I fell head over heels for this girl I worked with, despite being a practicing homosexual since 18. We had so much fun together, we could even finish each other sentences because we were so in tune. She was an absolutely gorgeous, blond blue eyed woman and all the guys wanted to be with her. I could not stop thinking about her and I knew the feeling was mutual. She really made me question my sexuality. Of course in the back of my mind, fueling some of my desires for a relationship with her, was that desire to have children and have a "normal" life. I quickly realized that for me, "normal" will always be with a guy no matter what society was trying to force feed me.

    After the company Christmas party, I walked her to her car, we both had a little too much to drink and ended up in a very hot make out session that I will never forget. I knew I couldn't lead her on but I was too much of a coward to let her know I liked men, so I did the next best thing and bolted out of there. She called me all night wanting to talk about us. She was engaged and made a decision to break up with him to be with me. So I of course needed to be honest with her before she did that. She broke up with him anyway but I knew I would not be able to be faithful to her so we decided to just stay friends.

    The lesson here is really to recognize there are no absolutes when it comes to sexuality, just be honest with yourself and those around you.

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do.