What are we supposed to do in gay bars/clubs!?

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  Oct 10, 2010 3:20 AM GMT

  I went to a gay bar tonight and it was miserably uneventful.
  
  Believe it or not I am normally a confident person (at least I appear to be) but going to a gay bar made me realize how hopeless I am at this. Even my straight girl friend managed to get with a straight guy!
  
  I have this major problem in suddenly going into defence mode: if any guy looks at me I will instinctively give him a 'why the fuck are you looking at me?' look - I know it's very bad but it's my natural instinct of protecting myself. I'm not looking for one night stands or hook ups so a bar/club probably isn't the best place - plus none of the guys were my type. So firstly what advice would you give and what other places could I go to meet friends?
  
  

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• masculumpedes
  
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  Oct 10, 2010 3:32 AM GMT

  Try being a little more friendly.

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  Oct 10, 2010 3:35 AM GMT

  Talk to people. Lots of them. Jump around and dance. Many will try and hook up and some of them will just want to be friends. Keep the friends.

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  Oct 10, 2010 3:52 AM GMT

  You can meet a friend or a Boyfriend anywhere. As long as you believe the problem is a location you'll limit your options because you won't let it happen .Believe it or not Nice guys go to bars
  . What ever hobbies or activities you enjoy, look online and see if there is a local gay group in search for new members.
  You need to change your mindset because the confident guy in the rm has no need to give a why the fuck are you lkn at me stare dwn to a potential friend or boyfriend. Instead w/ the allure of confidence the rm will gravitate towards him and he'll be happily receptive

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  Oct 10, 2010 3:55 AM GMT

  You are insecure....for no reason, I might add.
  
  If you dont find any of the guys attractive, leave.
  
  But dont be a bitch to guys who have never done anything to you.

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  Oct 10, 2010 3:57 AM GMT

  TDollahz saidTalk to people. Lots of them. Jump around and dance.* Many will try and hook up and some of them will just want to be friends. Keep the friends.

  
  *The jumping around is done just to keep warm in Winnipeg. The dancing...well, it's hard to distinguish from the jumping around, so who knows. ...and therefore this advice may not be applicable to where you live. ...

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  Oct 10, 2010 4:41 AM GMT

  

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  Oct 10, 2010 4:53 AM GMT

  hahahah i hate to tell you this bro but that "why the fuck are you looking at me" look is only going to get more guys to try and get at you.
  
  
  
  I don't go to gay clubs/bars that often because its just not my scene. I am sort of like you described.

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  Oct 10, 2010 6:44 AM GMT

  Gbob saidI went to a gay bar tonight and it was miserably uneventful.
  
  Believe it or not I am normally a confident person (at least I appear to be) but going to a gay bar made me realize how hopeless I am at this. Even my straight girl friend managed to get with a straight guy!
  
  I have this major problem in suddenly going into defence mode: if any guy looks at me I will instinctively give him a 'why the fuck are you looking at me?' look - I know it's very bad but it's my natural instinct of protecting myself. I'm not looking for one night stands or hook ups so a bar/club probably isn't the best place - plus none of the guys were my type. So firstly what advice would you give and what other places could I go to meet friends?
  
  

  
  
  A therapy meeting.

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• Bunjamon
  
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  Oct 10, 2010 10:46 AM GMT

  Gbob said... plus none of the guys were my type.
  
  

  
  
  I find that hard to believe.

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  Oct 10, 2010 11:28 AM GMT

  A lot of young gay men, (me included) think that first going to a gay bar they are going to have some kind of "reception"... Great that you are here.. you are one of us... blah blah... aint gonna happen.
  
  
  
  So after you realize no one cares if you are there or not (except the bartender who needs the tips) you realize that you have to either make friends or turn bitter. Gee, which one will work?
  
  Go ahead and make some mistakes. No one will hurt you. Go up to someone and tell them you like their shirt, muscles, etc. You can get rejected or not. It is the same deal with straight men...EXCEPT they have had a longer time doing it between the sock hops, homecoming dances, etc. We're adults in pre teen mode sometimes...get over it.
  
  

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  Oct 10, 2010 12:19 PM GMT

  LOL, I brought my straight female roommate out once and had a similar experience to which I responded to her that "you straight people are VERY PROMISCUOUS." She laughed.
  
  Take the defense mode off. Seriously, you can make friends with anyone, you never know who they know. Just be up front about it. I once struck up a conversation with someone that I had no interest in and found that he was coupled, but he said that I looked like an ex of his friend's. Well he introduced me to this friend and he was hot and I was totally interested. So...you never know.
  
  So, you have to reach out to people, as you are responsible for making things happen. You will get nowhere in defense mode, I promise you that.
  
  If you didn't like the atmosphere of a bar, then try other networking groups that are probably just as prevalent in London as they are here in NYC. Or target interests of like minded people/ events. Make friends with people that you can be friends with and those friends introduce you to other friends and occasionally you meet someone that you might have a romantic interest. Networking is just a slower process, so you have to be patient.
  
  Anyway, good luck to you.

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  Oct 10, 2010 12:29 PM GMT

  xuaerb saidLOL, I brought my straight female roommate out once and had a similar experience to which I responded to her that "you straight people are VERY PROMISCUOUS." She laughed.
  
  Take the defense mode off. Seriously, you can make friends with anyone, you never know who they know. Just be up front about it.
  
  So, my input is that you have to reach out to people, as you are responsible for making things happen. If you didn't like the atmosphere of a bar, then try other networking groups that are probably just as prevalent in London as they are here in NYC. Or target interests of like minded people/ events. Make friends with people that you can be friends with and those friends introduce you to other friends and occasionally you meet someone that you might have a romantic interest. Networking is just a slower process, so you have to be patient.
  
  Anyway, good luck to you.

  
  
  Yeah my uni has an LGBT society that I can join. I would think it's better that way to make friends as my perception of gay clubs/bars is that quite a few just want to hook-up. And it did seem that way when I went last night.
  
  About me being all defensive and somewhat aggressive, of course it's something I don't intend to do - I know this is one of my defence mechanisms so I will try and work on letting my guard down. When I'm talking to people in daily life I'm actually quite nice
  
  I guess part of it (and for most people) it's fear of rejection but normally when I put my head down to it I can conquer my fears. Suck it up bitch!

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  Oct 10, 2010 12:38 PM GMT

  Bunjamon said

  Gbob said... plus none of the guys were my type.
  
  

  
  
  I find that hard to believe.

  
  
  Ok well most.
  
  There was one guy I was attracted to, but he was straight. And another guy who was Latin, but he was taken.

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• LJay
  
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  Oct 10, 2010 12:51 PM GMT

  Chill. Have a drink or two. Dance if you like. Try to relax and look things over.
  
  You did see two guys you liked. Remember this was a new (or newish)thing for you, so why wouldn't you be apprehensive?
  
  Besides, bars can be boring sometimes. Maybe go with a friend sometime and check out a couple of places. One might have a better vibe than another. When I had just turned 21 and could go to bars, a friend and I would have one beer each in several bars, just to get over being awkward about ordering. It was sorta stupid, but we had an excuse to hang out and do something.

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  Oct 10, 2010 1:15 PM GMT

  One of my degrees is in Speech, and a key skill taught to public speakers is to know your audience beforehand, and to tailor your presentation accordingly. A corollary to that in the OP's case would also be to CHOOSE the best audience, that most suits him.
  
  Not knowing him I can't say what audience that would be, but there are many other social opportunities besides gay bars, from gay churches, choruses, political groups, charities, gay student groups, just dozens. And even today I still rely on other gays for entrees to gatherings & events, benefiting from the "chain reaction" effect I get (one invite leads to another, and to another, and so on).
  
  Getting back to the bar "audience" I'll repeat what I've written here before about my own first experiences in the gay world. The first few months I merely observed & studied very intently, my goal not being to hook-up, but to learn. I watched the guys who succeeded, and those who failed, and selected & adopted those things I felt would work best for me.
  
  I noticed the "loser" effect, the guy who might start the night on a high note, but if he wasn't successful in the first hour he'd become more & more glum & morose as the night wore on. He looked like he'd just lost his last friend in the world. Is it any surprise nobody wanted to bother with him?
  
  So I forced myself to look cheerful & happy all night long, even if I wasn't. I'd learn the bartender's name, so I'd always have somebody to talk with (if not too busy), let my voice be overheard having a good time, not a silent recluse. And I began to always get hit on, guys feeling I was approachable, and I'd almost always go home with someone if I chose.
  
  I used other tactics involving attire (tailored to the kind of place it was), many different gimmicks, but most important was looking confident, happy, outgoing, right at home, somebody that other guys wanted to know, to help THEM fit it.
  
  Funny, my most recent ex-BF was reminiscing on the phone with me a few months back (we remain friends), and we were talking about how we initially met in a gay bar, what our first impressions of the other were. And he said what attracted me to him was my absolute confidence, like I owned the place, how I knew everyone, and everyone wanted to chat with me. I was THE guy to know there, and being new himself he wanted to latch onto a winner.
  
  And I wanted to score with him (and did later that night) because I thought he was hot, and with his own brand of confidence. But I had to confess on the phone that mine was mostly an act, as I explained above, very deliberately planned, meant to create just the effect it had on him.
  
  Our OP is still young (younger than Americans can get into our own US bars), it may take a while to hone these skills. I wouldn't get too concerned yet if they're not quite perfected at this point.

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  Oct 10, 2010 1:38 PM GMT

  Just to answer your question of " What are we supposed to do in gay bars/clubs!?"
  
  SOCIALIZE
  

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• slimnmuscly
  
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  Oct 10, 2010 1:45 PM GMT

  London has so many different kinds of gay bars, and my memory of most of them -- especially the pubs -- is that they lent themselves really well to friendly conversation. You might have to be insistent about telling some guys no about hooking up, but that's manageable with practice. And if you're not looking to hook up that should make you open to talking to guys who aren't your type.
  
  Try organizing a pub crawl one night with your friends -- hit up several places you've never tried before and get pissed. As you move from one bar to the next each new place will seem like less of a big deal. And maybe you'll even ask the next guy who looks at you to tell you three things about himself.

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  Oct 10, 2010 1:47 PM GMT

  Art_Deco saidOur OP is still young (younger than Americans can get into our own US bars), it may take a while to hone these skills. I wouldn't get too concerned yet if they're not quite perfected at this point.

  
  
  Yes I am, so people should cut me some slack lol. Actually when I was 16 I dragged my friend (who was bi-curious) to our first gay bar - but that was in the Gay Capital of England and also the time when I had the confidence/arrogance to just walk into a bar and feel like I owned the place. Long gone are those days (of hormones) but nonetheless I remembered it to be really nice and chilled out there.
  
  But coming to London gay bars it's all very different. I felt very out of place: for one I didn't really like the music. However I understand that just cos I've been to a couple of gay bars in London doesn't mean I've been to all!
  
  I'm going to do my own research on bars and try a few out, all is not lost!
  
  Now I really need to get off and do my assignment now! WHICH is NOT on gay bars I must say...
  
  

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  Oct 10, 2010 1:51 PM GMT

  slimnmuscly said
  
  Try organizing a pub crawl one night with your friends -- hit up several places you've never tried before and get pissed. As you move from one bar to the next each new place will seem like less of a big deal. And maybe you'll even ask the next guy who looks at you to tell you three things about himself.

  
  
  LOL! Actually conversation is my forte, I'm very confident when I'm within a social situation (although I hate it), but I am completely lost when I have to try and approach other people. Once someone says 'hi' to me, I'm good to go.
  
  It's that fear of rejection thing about me again...

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• HndsmKansan
  
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  Oct 10, 2010 2:00 PM GMT

  I would go out with a group of friends and go into a place like a bar without any preconceptions on "what will happen". You are enjoying yourself. Be friendly, engaging and certainly not defensive.
  
  When you go out "something doesn't have to happen" for a positive social event.
  to occur. I'd focus on meeting new people in your group and just having fun.

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  Oct 10, 2010 2:02 PM GMT

  HndsmKansan saidI would go out with a group of friends and go into a place like a bar without any preconceptions on "what will happen". You are enjoying yourself. Be friendly, engaging and certainly not defensive.
  
  When you go out "something doesn't have to happen" for a positive social event to occur. I'd focus on meeting new people in your group and just having fun.

  
  
  Best advice so far....

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• slimnmuscly
  
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  Oct 10, 2010 2:06 PM GMT

  Gbob said

  slimnmuscly said
  
  Try organizing a pub crawl one night with your friends -- hit up several places you've never tried before and get pissed. As you move from one bar to the next each new place will seem like less of a big deal. And maybe you'll even ask the next guy who looks at you to tell you three things about himself.

  
  
  LOL! Actually conversation is my forte, I'm very confident when I'm within a social situation (although I hate it), but I am completely lost when I have to try and approach other people. Once someone says 'hi' to me, I'm good to go.
  
  It's that fear of rejection thing about me again...

  
  
  Then set yourself a goal of getting rejected 10 times that night. You'll see it's not so scary. What does rejection really mean, anyway? It means you're not going to be with someone you're already not with. Rejection doesn't bring something awful and scary into your life that wasn't already there.

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  Oct 10, 2010 2:12 PM GMT

  Gbob said

  Bunjamon said

  Gbob said... plus none of the guys were my type.
  
  

  
  
  I find that hard to believe.

  
  
  Ok well most.
  
  There was one guy I was attracted to, but he was straight. And another guy who was Latin, but he was taken.

  
  
  Then you were in the wrong bar. Find one that attracts more of the types of guys that you happen to be into. For instance...I can't stand guys most guys my age, so I don't go to bars packed full of them. Simple as that.

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  Oct 10, 2010 4:41 PM GMT

  collegekid2004 said

  Gbob said

  Bunjamon said

  Gbob said... plus none of the guys were my type.
  
  

  
  
  I find that hard to believe.

  
  
  Ok well most.
  
  There was one guy I was attracted to, but he was straight. And another guy who was Latin, but he was taken.

  
  
  Then you were in the wrong bar. Find one that attracts more of the types of guys that you happen to be into. For instance...I can't stand guys most guys my age, so I don't go to bars packed full of them. Simple as that.

  
  
  Yeah the first one we went to was like over 50's lol. No one near my age. But we had to pay a lot of money to get in so we couldn't leave until we got 'our money's worth'...which we didn't cos it was so horrendously shit, cramped, and hot.
  
  The second bar was much better, we managed to blag our way in for free.

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